Wow! Its been a while. I guess I only write when I have something I need to talk about or want to share. So here goes my two cents for the time being. I'm sure there will be other updates to follow.
October is Infant Loss, Still Birth, Miscarriage and SIDS awareness month. Yes I know it is also breast cancer awareness month, but what better time to be thinking about our children than when thinking about ways we can be caring for ourselves too? I have been thinking on this subject much more than normal. Namely because we are expecting again. Most of you don't know this, but David and I suffered another miscarriage in March. My heart was shattered to say the least. I couldn't function for about a week. Laying there on the couch after receiving the news that we were really going to be loosing another child I sobbed. I held my daughter close and I sobbed. My heart was broken in to a million pieces.
I love being a mom. It is my greatest joy in life. Having Alexandra has been the best blessing I could have ever asked for, but I was shattered when I found out I was loosing yet another baby. We shared with my parents after the fact. It was hard to say the least. Yes I knew I would be met with challenges having children so close in age, but there is a little part of your soul that dies when you loose a pregnancy. I can't explain it to anyone unless they themselves have been through it, but it feels as though you will never be whole again. It takes time, sometimes a long time, to feel like you are a normal human being and even longer to feel like your heart is starting to heal. I still feel a small whole seven months later. I have fretted worse over this pregnancy that I did with Alexandra. Every little pull, stretch, cramp, or odd sensation has made me wonder "Is everything still healthy?"
This brings me to why I am posting this blog post. Its about sharing with you the ups and downs of grief. Grief, especially over a child (no matter the length they were on this earth), is somewhat circular. It is all over the place. You may have a day or two where you feel like you did before your heart was broken, only to be blindsided with something that sets you down the path of tears, fear, or any number of emotions. You are never the same person again. Be it if your child died while you were pregnant, or in some accident you are NEVER the same person again.
Here is what you can do for a family (especially a woman) who has lost a baby. First, validate her feelings. Let her know it is okay to feel angry, sad, scared, depressed or even guilty. Women have an extra special connection to their children. We grow them inside of us, knowing them from essentially the moment of conception. Being a mother is a very intimate bond. This isn't to say that men can not have this feeling about their children, but it is a different kind of bond. Especially in my case, acknowledge that the pregnancy was real and that her feelings of loss are real. Don't ignore it, instead love the parents when they need it the most.
Second is something I briefly mentioned above. Acknowledged the loss. People want to know you are thinking about them and their children. We want to know that we are being prayed for, thought of, and taken care of. This applies to all aspects of loss, but especially in early pregnancy loss. I can honestly say that I had some horrible comments made to me after loosing a baby. Yes I didn't not get to feel my baby move or even hold them yet, but I still LOVED my child. I had dreams for them. When you loose a child, all of those dreams are dashed in an instant. You dream about their careers, their personalities, their hobbies, what you will teach them or what they will teach their children. You dream about every aspect of their life. When a child dies, it is very hard with the next one to have these dreams for them. You fear that they will be gone again, and sometimes when you let your guard down (as in my case) your dreams are once again shattered.
Finally, talk about it with the family. Offer to make them a meal or to do a load of laundry. Offer to walk their pets or to just sit with them for a while. Giving the family time to grieve in whatever way works for them helps them to accept what has happened and to get back to normal. I tried to get back to normal relatively quickly with my loss in March, but it also made things much more difficult. I was traveling within a few days of finding out. I had moments of forgetting while visiting with family, celebrating a wedding, and traveling, but I never stopped hurting. My daughter was my greatest comfort. She was my ray of sunshine in my darkest moments. My husband was my rock, hugging me when I needed it, calling to check in on me and just generally loving me the way I needed it.
I urge you if you have ever experienced a loss, no matter how old your child or family member was to find a project you can do to help you heal. Right now I am doing a project called capture your grief. You take photos of various things that are important to you. To say it has been healing would be an understatement. It has given me hope for this child. It has helped me to stay relaxed and it has helped me during a month I knew would be difficult. (Our due date was November 3) We love our babies, ALL of them and it has given me a chance to show that love for them.
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