WOW! Where on earth do I begin?! Our little guy is FINALLY here after what felt like the LONGEST week of my life! On May 22, 2013 at 5:19pm Nathaniel Josiah made his way into this big world quickly, wonderfully, and beautifully in the water at our midwife's cottage. I can not even put into words the beauty and challenge of the whole experience, but I will try. :-)
On May 17 sometime in the wee hours of the morning I started having contractions. I noticed it felt differently than the contractions I had been having for weeks and decided I would time them to see what they were doing. To my disappointment they were only about 15 minutes apart and still mild so I went back to bed. At about 2:30am (not quite an hour from when I finished timing contractions) I was woken up by one that was particularly strong. I turned to David and asked him what I should do. He suggested I time them again and move around for a bit to see if things changed at all. After pacing the hall for a while and having to focus through some of the contractions he and I decided to try and rest a while longer. I couldn't get comfortable though, no matter what way I tried to lay it seemed to be uncomfortable, but I decided to let David rest since I figured we would likely be in for a long day. By about 4:00am I woke David up, hearing me focusing through contractions he came to rub my back. I just KNEW at that point that something was happening! We decided to call my mom and dad to come and get Alexandra, as we were SURE that if today wasn't the day, tomorrow surely would be.
Mom and Dad came and got Alexandra while David ran his mom over to work. My contractions were still fairly mild, but were picking up in intensity. David made it back to the house in time to tell Alexandra goodbye and to load our car up. We were so excited to be starting our journey but had little idea exactly HOW long it would take to get to the final result. We decided at that point to text our midwife and let her know that things seemed to be getting into motion and that we would be in contact with her throughout the day as things progressed. We went to the gym where I could swim in the pool for a while to help things move along. Being in the water had been a true blessing my entire pregnancy and this was no exception. During that period of being in the water my contractions picked up in frequency, but not in intensity. I was thankful for this since I was ready for them to be every four minutes apart.
After the pool our midwife suggested that I get some rest for a while, since they didn't want me to be exhausted once "active" labor started. I was considered in labor by this point any how, since my contractions did have a regular pattern to them but we knew that more intense work was to come. I rested for a while and we decided to go to the mall for a while where I could walk around indoors (it had been raining off and on all day long). While there I lost my plug and started spotting some. I knew at this point there was no turning back, this baby's arrival would be soon, yet still I had no idea how much longer I would have to wait. We continued to labor through the night, David by my side supporting me when I needed it and being attentive to my needs, all the while juggling the phone calls, texts and Facebook messages I had been receiving. People started to assume something was up, as I am typically appear online most of the time, but my computer was down for this period of time so that I would not be distracted away from what I needed to focus on.
The next morning came with the same pattern and no baby. By this point I was getting frustrated that there seemed to be nothing happening. One of the midwives checked me to see how I was progressing and things were indeed moving in the right direction, although very slowly. We laughed and joked some about how most women only dream of having a labor this "easy" and David and I kept things light hearted during the day. Honestly, being checked for progress was the only thing that kept me sane during our long wait. I continued to labor on and on and on until Monday when we made the choice to go home and get some rest in our own beds, with the hopes that MAYBE I would be able to settle enough to relax and things would progress more quickly. I had one more check before baby came and I was very close to active labor. Our midwife was so encouraging and helped to convince me that my body was doing what it needed to do to have our baby naturally. Labor that is like this is called Prodromal (not sure if I spelled that correctly) and is quite normal.
On Tuesday we decided to do a few things to get labor headed more quickly in the direction of active labor. They didn't work that day, but on Wednesday it seemed to be the day. At about 8:30am I woke up for the day, showered, got dressed and went about pumping to try and stimulate harder contractions. Within a few hours it worked! David diligently sat and timed contractions. When one was 2.5 minutes long he texted the midwife from my phone saying "Two and a half minute long contraction. This is David." This text when I later read it struck me as hilarious, though honestly I am not sure why. While in the car on the way to the midwife's my contractions were every three to four minutes apart and were quite painful. I remember thinking to myself "Holy Crap! I'm going to have a baby today!!!" David said during this time I remained extremely calm, only saying occasionally "Ouch! This hurts!"
We got to the cottage and my contractions were not getting any easier to get through. David was offering me drinks, holding my hand when I needed him and generally just taking care of me when I needed him. I was content to labor on my own for a while and he would read unless I asked him to do something. At that point he would immediately put his book down and do whatever I needed of him. I am so proud of him! The birth team sat up the birthing pool for me and as soon as it was ready I slipped into the water. Almost instantly I found myself relaxing into the contractions and handling things much more easily than before. Truly the water was a God-sent for me! At some point I started to get hot and wanted out of the water for a time.
One of the midwives suggested I try a new position to help move things along and I remember being very angry with her over this. I know I said a few curse words during this time (oops! Sorry Kim!!) and even told her that I hated her. (Again sorry Kim!!) Disclaimer** I don't hate her, in fact I love all of the ladies there were there, sometimes your mouth just gets away from you when you're in labor!** All I wanted to do was lay down because it hurt so badly. I labored in the shower for a few minutes, squatting into each contraction but resisting it because it hurt. David kept telling me I couldn't lean or sit and at one point I snapped at him and said "I know David, but it hurts!" I then sat on the birth stool for a while. I leaned into David between contractions and would do my best to be forward keeping things pushing against my cervix during a contraction. At some point I got to lay down again so that they could check baby and I was given some herbs (I know arnica was one of them and something that started with a "G") to help with swelling. I had developed a cervical lip and I will be honest, that was the most challenging part of my labor.
At some point I begged to get back into the water because I was so cold. Time frame really does become relative when you are in labor. I can remember specific events, but for the life of me I did not pay attention to the clock. I know at some point David told me it was three o'clock and me telling him that I didn't care what time it was. (Sorry honey!) During my time in the water I was given Black and Blue Cohosh tincture to help strengthen my contractions. I was feeling the need to push, but because of that cervical lip I needed to work through it some more. Its true what women say about the need to push! You feel like you have to take the world's biggest poop and can't stop yourself from doing it!
Kim checked me again and this was the point where we found I needed a little help with the cervical lip. With the encouragement of David, Doran, Misty, Tiffany and Kimberly I began pushing. Tiffany and Doran helped me to hold my legs back while Kimberly helped me to push past my cervical lip. I'm not going to mince words about this, it HURT! I was able to get it mostly pushed over his head and Misty helped me the rest of the way. It was probably more painful that transition contractions, BUT lasted a whole lot shorter of a time. I remember saying "Ow! Ow! Ow! That HURTS!!" but the relief was almost instantaneous once I pushed past it.
Everyone kept encouraging me and David stayed by my head holding my hand until Doran asked him if he wanted to see his son crowning. I remember looking up between pushes to see him looking at me, camera in hand and the look of awe on his face was unforgettable. I still get misty eyed thinking about it. I, being curious, reached between my legs to feel what was going on and I could feel his head. What an incredible feeling!!! At that point I mustered everything I had in me and gave a few more pushes and he was out. He crowned so quickly he shot out of me and landed on the bottom of the pool! My original hope was to catch him as he was coming out, but since he came so quickly that just didn't happen. David witnessed it all unfold before him. He was never planning on watching the actual birth part (he was afraid he would pass out or get queasy) but somehow it happened so quickly he did.
The feeling of victory I had when I pushed him out was incredible. I have never had so much pride in something in my entire life. I remember saying "I did it! I really did it!!" and making comments about those who doubted that I could. While Alexandra's birth story is totally different from her brother's it also helped to shape Nathaniel's story and because of that I am proud of her birth too. That isn't something I could have said even a year ago.
Nathaniel did have to have a little suctioning after birth since my bag of waters broke sometime during the pushing stage and there was meconium in the water. We aren't exactly sure WHEN it happened, just that it did. He was fine though and pinked up really quickly after birth. My placenta came quickly too, so I am also thankful about that! I did have a tear (one that did not require stitches) but my recovery has been very easy so far compared to Alexandra's birth. (I will take a tear over a surgical cut any day!!) His newborn exam said everything was normal and Nathaniel is a healthy baby boy. He weighed 7pounds 10 ounces, and was 22.5 inches long.
For those of you wondering how life has been so far with two under two, I have to say it hasn't been as difficult as I had anticipated it would be, granted I'm only a week in at this point. Alexandra is my little helper and LOVES her baby brother! She is always touching him, checking on him and says "me baby" when you ask her who he is. She seems to be doing fairly well with sharing mommy, although we have had a few jealous moments. Daddy and I try to sneak in as much one on one time with her as we can so that she doesn't feel left out, especially after we have had a particularly difficult moment or two with her. We want her to make sure she knows she is still loved by both of us. I find it funny how in spite of all of my worries that Alex would feel loved, she has handled things like a seasoned pro. Both of my babies are such blessings and I look forward to watching them grow up together and seeing the differences in their personalities as time marches on. Alexandra is such a unique person and I pray and look forward to seeing the unique person Nathaniel will be.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Mother's day
Happy May everyone! I know its been a while since I have updated, but I sure hope to have some good news to share within the next few days. Baby boy Heselton is due at any moment to make his entrance into the world, though I'm not "due" until Friday my big hopes are that he will be here soon. I'll be honest, at this point in the game I'm just ready to meet our son and NOT be pregnant anymore. Yeah, I said it. I'm over it.
That being said, since it IS May I have had a few other extras to focus on. One of them being my mom's birthday (Happy Birthday Mommy!!!) and the other being Mother's Day. Its the bane of all husbands and the joy of most mother's to celebrate. Sunday happens to be that day. Part of me thinks it would be wickedly cool to have a Mother's Day baby. Wouldn't that be the ultimate gift?! I was honestly hoping for today though, since its my moms' birthday. I thought it would be an awesome way to celebrate the circle of life, but I guess he had other plans. (I still have about an hour, but unless I have an insanely fast labor, that won't be happening!!)
Back to the original intent of the post, and that was to talk about Mother's Day. I wanted to talk about the fact that there are groups of women that are so often overlooked on Mother's Day. This post is dedicated to them. I know several of them myself and I think about them often.
First lets address the moms that are not mothers in they physical sense, but in the spiritual sense. I know one of them myself and have acted in this capacity on many occasions for girls at camp, church and just in life. These women deserve to be recognized too. They may not be your biological mothers, but they help to mold and guide young people into who they become as adults. Often times they help to shape the ideals of our youth into something spectacular that only someone who isn't a biological mother can do.
Now let's address those moms who are struggling to become moms. You know the one's I'm talking about. Moms who are navigating the adoption system just so they can make their family whole in some regard. You ladies ALSO need some serious recognition. Often times these moms are foster parents right down in the trenches with the rest of us, focusing on the lives of children who are extremely broken when they come to them. If they aren't acting in the capacity of mom as a foster parent, they are waiting for their hearts to not be so broken by their child who may be far away. Sometimes as far away as half a world. I also know moms like this, and to you I also say I am thankful!
There are the moms that are struggling to become a mom through fertility treatments too. These moms shouldn't be ignored either. You do so much to make your family complete and ignoring the fact that you are a mother too is not fair. Especially when often times it is a struggle that only the couple themselves can see. You're still a mom in my book, even if your child isn't here yet.
Finally there are those moms who suffer from loss. Be it the loss of a child at birth, while pregnant, or from some other tragic circumstance I think of you too. I have been on both sides of that fence. Its an ugly and dark place, but you deserve to be acknowledged in some way too. Your pain shouldn't be ignored on the account of those of us who have our "Happy" endings. You are still a mother.
My point of this post is to just make you aware. I read a post this week from another blogger and it really hit home about how often Mother's Day overlooks select groups of mothers. I'm not here to diminish the pride that women who are out fighting the battles daily with their own child should feel, but to put a bug in your ear to get you to think. I always make note to acknowledge loss moms on Mother's Day, but I too am guilty of forgetting the other groups of women. I have been on both sides of the fence on several of these regards (minus the foster/adoptive parent) and have often felt overlooked for what I was facing. Women are all special, especially those who take the time to love other children that are not there "own." Why shouldn't we celebrate all of them in some regard??
That being said, since it IS May I have had a few other extras to focus on. One of them being my mom's birthday (Happy Birthday Mommy!!!) and the other being Mother's Day. Its the bane of all husbands and the joy of most mother's to celebrate. Sunday happens to be that day. Part of me thinks it would be wickedly cool to have a Mother's Day baby. Wouldn't that be the ultimate gift?! I was honestly hoping for today though, since its my moms' birthday. I thought it would be an awesome way to celebrate the circle of life, but I guess he had other plans. (I still have about an hour, but unless I have an insanely fast labor, that won't be happening!!)
Back to the original intent of the post, and that was to talk about Mother's Day. I wanted to talk about the fact that there are groups of women that are so often overlooked on Mother's Day. This post is dedicated to them. I know several of them myself and I think about them often.
First lets address the moms that are not mothers in they physical sense, but in the spiritual sense. I know one of them myself and have acted in this capacity on many occasions for girls at camp, church and just in life. These women deserve to be recognized too. They may not be your biological mothers, but they help to mold and guide young people into who they become as adults. Often times they help to shape the ideals of our youth into something spectacular that only someone who isn't a biological mother can do.
Now let's address those moms who are struggling to become moms. You know the one's I'm talking about. Moms who are navigating the adoption system just so they can make their family whole in some regard. You ladies ALSO need some serious recognition. Often times these moms are foster parents right down in the trenches with the rest of us, focusing on the lives of children who are extremely broken when they come to them. If they aren't acting in the capacity of mom as a foster parent, they are waiting for their hearts to not be so broken by their child who may be far away. Sometimes as far away as half a world. I also know moms like this, and to you I also say I am thankful!
There are the moms that are struggling to become a mom through fertility treatments too. These moms shouldn't be ignored either. You do so much to make your family complete and ignoring the fact that you are a mother too is not fair. Especially when often times it is a struggle that only the couple themselves can see. You're still a mom in my book, even if your child isn't here yet.
Finally there are those moms who suffer from loss. Be it the loss of a child at birth, while pregnant, or from some other tragic circumstance I think of you too. I have been on both sides of that fence. Its an ugly and dark place, but you deserve to be acknowledged in some way too. Your pain shouldn't be ignored on the account of those of us who have our "Happy" endings. You are still a mother.
My point of this post is to just make you aware. I read a post this week from another blogger and it really hit home about how often Mother's Day overlooks select groups of mothers. I'm not here to diminish the pride that women who are out fighting the battles daily with their own child should feel, but to put a bug in your ear to get you to think. I always make note to acknowledge loss moms on Mother's Day, but I too am guilty of forgetting the other groups of women. I have been on both sides of the fence on several of these regards (minus the foster/adoptive parent) and have often felt overlooked for what I was facing. Women are all special, especially those who take the time to love other children that are not there "own." Why shouldn't we celebrate all of them in some regard??
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Pregnancy after Loss
One year. Seems like a lifetime ago, when in fact it was just a drop in the hat of my life. Okay maybe not a drop in the hat, but certainly a small fraction of it. One year ago I found out I was pregnant again, imagine my surprise, since I was on the mini-pill AND nursing Alexandra. Imagine how scared silly I was since not only do I have a history (a rather long one at that) of miscarriage, but because in this wonderful world called parenting, I was still walking on sea legs! Words can not even describe how scared I was and frustrated too. David and I had been doing everything in our power to avoid another pregnancy, we didn't want another baby right away and especially not given the fact that we were struggling just to make things work on one income.
We decided, for once in our reproductive history, to not share that I was pregnant. We wanted to make sure everything was okay and we also wanted to wait for our upcoming trip back to Virginia and Pennsylvania to share our exciting and shocking news. I think in the very back of my mind I knew something wasn't right, but I prayed over my pregnancy like I had countless times before with the others. I prayed that this time I wouldn't need medication to keep my hormones in check, and I prayed that somehow we could handle parenting two children so close in age. Seemed like the only thing I could control was to share my fears with God anyway. I went two weeks, carrying a secret that frankly for me was darn near impossible to keep.
What can I say, I'm the eternal optimist when it comes to my pregnancies.I always hope for the best, all the while entertaining the worst in the back of my mind. I even went so far as to seek out a VBAC friendly provider. I figured if this was going to happen, I wanted to have a second chance at the birth I had envisioned for Alexandra. Why not? I was already making the move to the more "crunchy" end of the spectrum of living, it just seemed logical for me to do it with my children starting from birth.
Then the worst happened. Two weeks later, on March 12, I started to have some spotting. I just figured it was the normal "implantation bleeding" I had with Alex, but yet something still felt off. I was crampy, bloated, and all around didn't feel like myself. It was late at night, like 2am or something crazy. I had gone to the bathroom after nursing Alexandra. I wrote it off to it being pregnancy symptoms, after all this was my first pregnancy after my C-section and I had heard a lot of stories from moms who said that they felt this way more after having a C-section than with their first or second (some moms I talked to have a vaginal birth with the first and section with the second). I just figured it was normal. Until it wasn't. I passed a small clot. "Nope, this isn't normal." I told myself. Call Doctor Jones and Eaton right away my brain told me. My husband reminds me to relax, it could be nothing after all, but my heart just knew.
That night I dreamt of my Grandpa. Still to this day, nearly a year later I can remember the details vividly. I honestly believe it was him, coming to tell me what I already knew, yet to gently remind me that I AM a good mom and that this isn't my fault. It was raw and so real. He was wearing a yellow and white banded polo with black horizontal pin stripes and those classic Docks Khakis he always wore with a floppy tan fishing hat and his brown leather loafers. We were sitting on a pier on what appeared to be a lake, fishing. It was bright out, so sunny in fact that I couldn't see much but a fuzz of shapes that looked like trees around me. I was wearing my favorite black peasant skirt and my Chaco sandals with a white tank top. Alexandra was no where to be found, but I could hear her in the background cooing. I sat silently while he talked and when I reached over, crying to give him a hug, David came in to wake Alex and I up for church. I remember because it was so real.
That afternoon we had our small group praying for us. I asked that my mind be eased and that it was nothing. The following morning I called my doctor and they were able to fit me in. Doctor Jones didn't feel to confident in what was happening and sent me back for an ultrasound. There was nothing to be seen except and empty sac. No baby, no heartbeat. I had what is called a blighted ovum and that since I was miscarrying naturally (again) I shouldn't need any medication or surgery. I had to have my levels checked every three days until the they went down to make certain I didn't have an ectopic pregnancy. I still thank God that I didn't have THAT going on! It was hard enough coping with a loss while caring for an infant, let alone having to have surgery. I don't think I could have done it.
Our small group was great. They prayed for us and over us. It was just what I needed at the time, until I went on my trip. A few weeks later, while I was still miscarrying, I went on a trip to visit my family. Saying I was emotional is an understatement. This was supposed to be a happy and exciting trip, not one marred with sadness, after all my cousin was getting married and I was going to see family I had not seen in a very long time. I hid it until after her wedding and managed to muster up a few genuine smiles and feelings of happiness. If only for a short time, it was the distraction I needed and I was all to happy to welcome her new husband into the family with open arms. Honestly, secretly praying that their marriage didn't have to face the trials ours had in just two years time. I still pray that for any married couple. Miscarriage and loss is no walk in the park for either party, let alone the stress it can place on a marriage. I am fortunate to have married someone just as stubborn as myself though who refuses to give up, even when we voice that we want to.
Fast forward to late August. I had been on the depo shot after this miscarriage. I wasn't taking any chances and as soon as I was given the all clear by Doctor Jones, I jumped on birth control. I didn't want an IUD, no thanks, I had read and heard of too many complications with those things and it would be just my luck that I would be one of those women whom had complications. So I elected for the shot. I figured a birth control that was effective for three months sounded like a good idea, and IF we managed to get back on our feet again we could stop and start trying for baby number two. It seems God had different plans that us. I let my birth control lapse, but as soon as I realized this, made and appointment to see a doctor to get said birth control. It was with planned parenthood, not my favorite place, but they would give it to me based on my income and that was all I needed, so I did it, knowing we would have to be SUPER careful for at least three weeks (two for the appointment and another for the birth control to take affect).
Fast forward a week. I started feeling "funny" and not quite like myself. Oh geesh, I'm getting sick, but I realize I haven't had a period yet this month. "Oh please do not let this be it" I think to myself. "The last thing we need is to have another baby!" all the while secretly thinking, okay no big deal IF you are pregnant again. I take a test, negative. YES! I'm not pregnant, or so I thought. We get a two pack "just in case," since I am prone to thinking I'm pregnant and freaking out only to find out I'm not. I wait another five days, still no period. This time I insist I take one and lo-and behold I AM pregnant. Oh geesh, I think, what am I going to do?! but I tell myself it will be okay. Its funny how a woman's brain works. She just KNOWS.
So I go into freak-out mode, calling local midwives, knowing that at this time I don't have insurance and having a homebirth is the cheapest way to go. I'm okay with that, since its what I wanted anyway and something I had researched to death. I became almost obsessive about researching my options. I know it is because I lost a baby after having a baby and that fear just NEVER leaves the back of my mind. It never will. I still, at 30ish weeks pregnant fear that I will loose him. Its part of how I love. I love my children, ALL OF THEM, with a deepness that only a mother can understand and that starts at conception for me. (Or rather the moment I find out I'm pregnant.) When I loose a pregnancy, not matter how far along I am, it rocks me to my core. It's hard to explain to someone unless they themselves have been through it. Sorry folks, but unless you have EXPERIENCED a pregnancy loss, miscarriage, still birth or loss of a child, you JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND. I'm not saying this to be mean, I'm just stating a simple fact. You will never understand, and I thank GOD that you DON'T.
I wouldn't want anyone to experience this fear, but the only thing that works for me is staying connected with other rainbow parents, parents of loss, and prayer. Prayer probably being the biggest one for me. I have prayed through the Psalms a lot in my lifetime, but when my heart hurts the worst, its what I turn to. Pregnancy after loss is a whole other bear I have had to face. This time around it has seemed more fraught with anxiety than with Alexandra. Probably BECAUSE I have carried a pregnancy to full term now and know the love of a mother as it came full circle. Some days are harder than others and it reveals itself through laziness, anxiety, eating more than normal (not so much binge eating, like with Alex, but more consumption than normal for sure), crying, even anger. Sometimes I don't recognize it, but its there. Pregnancy after loss is hard, hardest for those with multiple losses. Its raw, like a wound that is healing and hasn't yet had time to scar over fully. Its difficult, but it is also wonderful too.
I find myself enjoying pregnancy more than I did with Alexandra. I find myself being thankful for every little ache, pain, cramp, and crazy symptom that comes along with it. I also find myself not complaining like I did with Alex. I actually LOVE being pregnant this time around (maybe in part due to the fact that I'm not miserably sick like I was with Alexandra!) and I am finding a deeper connection to my daughter too. I'm finding that through this pregnancy I look at her and am thankful for every moment she grew within me and every moment we have had together. My love for her grows deeper daily, its just part of being a loss mom I guess.
So for those of you wondering WHY I post so much about pregnancy, there is just a small amount of insight for you. For those of you that ever wondered what it would be like to have a baby after a loss, this is for you too.. And for those of you that ever wonder what its like to lose a pregnancy, this is just a SMALL glimpse into that world. Its raw, but its the truth. Its how I have coped, but certainly not ALL of how I have coped. That, has been shared and revealed in bits and pieces over time. The process is continual, and with each passing moment, each passing day it DOES get easier. And with each anniversary of my losses, each due date that passes, I remember, but it gets easier over time. I find myself often just glancing over those days, feeling sad for just a moment, but thankful for what I have been blessed with in this life. Its those small things that make the difficult moments smaller and smaller every year.
We decided, for once in our reproductive history, to not share that I was pregnant. We wanted to make sure everything was okay and we also wanted to wait for our upcoming trip back to Virginia and Pennsylvania to share our exciting and shocking news. I think in the very back of my mind I knew something wasn't right, but I prayed over my pregnancy like I had countless times before with the others. I prayed that this time I wouldn't need medication to keep my hormones in check, and I prayed that somehow we could handle parenting two children so close in age. Seemed like the only thing I could control was to share my fears with God anyway. I went two weeks, carrying a secret that frankly for me was darn near impossible to keep.
What can I say, I'm the eternal optimist when it comes to my pregnancies.I always hope for the best, all the while entertaining the worst in the back of my mind. I even went so far as to seek out a VBAC friendly provider. I figured if this was going to happen, I wanted to have a second chance at the birth I had envisioned for Alexandra. Why not? I was already making the move to the more "crunchy" end of the spectrum of living, it just seemed logical for me to do it with my children starting from birth.
Then the worst happened. Two weeks later, on March 12, I started to have some spotting. I just figured it was the normal "implantation bleeding" I had with Alex, but yet something still felt off. I was crampy, bloated, and all around didn't feel like myself. It was late at night, like 2am or something crazy. I had gone to the bathroom after nursing Alexandra. I wrote it off to it being pregnancy symptoms, after all this was my first pregnancy after my C-section and I had heard a lot of stories from moms who said that they felt this way more after having a C-section than with their first or second (some moms I talked to have a vaginal birth with the first and section with the second). I just figured it was normal. Until it wasn't. I passed a small clot. "Nope, this isn't normal." I told myself. Call Doctor Jones and Eaton right away my brain told me. My husband reminds me to relax, it could be nothing after all, but my heart just knew.
That night I dreamt of my Grandpa. Still to this day, nearly a year later I can remember the details vividly. I honestly believe it was him, coming to tell me what I already knew, yet to gently remind me that I AM a good mom and that this isn't my fault. It was raw and so real. He was wearing a yellow and white banded polo with black horizontal pin stripes and those classic Docks Khakis he always wore with a floppy tan fishing hat and his brown leather loafers. We were sitting on a pier on what appeared to be a lake, fishing. It was bright out, so sunny in fact that I couldn't see much but a fuzz of shapes that looked like trees around me. I was wearing my favorite black peasant skirt and my Chaco sandals with a white tank top. Alexandra was no where to be found, but I could hear her in the background cooing. I sat silently while he talked and when I reached over, crying to give him a hug, David came in to wake Alex and I up for church. I remember because it was so real.
That afternoon we had our small group praying for us. I asked that my mind be eased and that it was nothing. The following morning I called my doctor and they were able to fit me in. Doctor Jones didn't feel to confident in what was happening and sent me back for an ultrasound. There was nothing to be seen except and empty sac. No baby, no heartbeat. I had what is called a blighted ovum and that since I was miscarrying naturally (again) I shouldn't need any medication or surgery. I had to have my levels checked every three days until the they went down to make certain I didn't have an ectopic pregnancy. I still thank God that I didn't have THAT going on! It was hard enough coping with a loss while caring for an infant, let alone having to have surgery. I don't think I could have done it.
Our small group was great. They prayed for us and over us. It was just what I needed at the time, until I went on my trip. A few weeks later, while I was still miscarrying, I went on a trip to visit my family. Saying I was emotional is an understatement. This was supposed to be a happy and exciting trip, not one marred with sadness, after all my cousin was getting married and I was going to see family I had not seen in a very long time. I hid it until after her wedding and managed to muster up a few genuine smiles and feelings of happiness. If only for a short time, it was the distraction I needed and I was all to happy to welcome her new husband into the family with open arms. Honestly, secretly praying that their marriage didn't have to face the trials ours had in just two years time. I still pray that for any married couple. Miscarriage and loss is no walk in the park for either party, let alone the stress it can place on a marriage. I am fortunate to have married someone just as stubborn as myself though who refuses to give up, even when we voice that we want to.
Fast forward to late August. I had been on the depo shot after this miscarriage. I wasn't taking any chances and as soon as I was given the all clear by Doctor Jones, I jumped on birth control. I didn't want an IUD, no thanks, I had read and heard of too many complications with those things and it would be just my luck that I would be one of those women whom had complications. So I elected for the shot. I figured a birth control that was effective for three months sounded like a good idea, and IF we managed to get back on our feet again we could stop and start trying for baby number two. It seems God had different plans that us. I let my birth control lapse, but as soon as I realized this, made and appointment to see a doctor to get said birth control. It was with planned parenthood, not my favorite place, but they would give it to me based on my income and that was all I needed, so I did it, knowing we would have to be SUPER careful for at least three weeks (two for the appointment and another for the birth control to take affect).
Fast forward a week. I started feeling "funny" and not quite like myself. Oh geesh, I'm getting sick, but I realize I haven't had a period yet this month. "Oh please do not let this be it" I think to myself. "The last thing we need is to have another baby!" all the while secretly thinking, okay no big deal IF you are pregnant again. I take a test, negative. YES! I'm not pregnant, or so I thought. We get a two pack "just in case," since I am prone to thinking I'm pregnant and freaking out only to find out I'm not. I wait another five days, still no period. This time I insist I take one and lo-and behold I AM pregnant. Oh geesh, I think, what am I going to do?! but I tell myself it will be okay. Its funny how a woman's brain works. She just KNOWS.
So I go into freak-out mode, calling local midwives, knowing that at this time I don't have insurance and having a homebirth is the cheapest way to go. I'm okay with that, since its what I wanted anyway and something I had researched to death. I became almost obsessive about researching my options. I know it is because I lost a baby after having a baby and that fear just NEVER leaves the back of my mind. It never will. I still, at 30ish weeks pregnant fear that I will loose him. Its part of how I love. I love my children, ALL OF THEM, with a deepness that only a mother can understand and that starts at conception for me. (Or rather the moment I find out I'm pregnant.) When I loose a pregnancy, not matter how far along I am, it rocks me to my core. It's hard to explain to someone unless they themselves have been through it. Sorry folks, but unless you have EXPERIENCED a pregnancy loss, miscarriage, still birth or loss of a child, you JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND. I'm not saying this to be mean, I'm just stating a simple fact. You will never understand, and I thank GOD that you DON'T.
I wouldn't want anyone to experience this fear, but the only thing that works for me is staying connected with other rainbow parents, parents of loss, and prayer. Prayer probably being the biggest one for me. I have prayed through the Psalms a lot in my lifetime, but when my heart hurts the worst, its what I turn to. Pregnancy after loss is a whole other bear I have had to face. This time around it has seemed more fraught with anxiety than with Alexandra. Probably BECAUSE I have carried a pregnancy to full term now and know the love of a mother as it came full circle. Some days are harder than others and it reveals itself through laziness, anxiety, eating more than normal (not so much binge eating, like with Alex, but more consumption than normal for sure), crying, even anger. Sometimes I don't recognize it, but its there. Pregnancy after loss is hard, hardest for those with multiple losses. Its raw, like a wound that is healing and hasn't yet had time to scar over fully. Its difficult, but it is also wonderful too.
I find myself enjoying pregnancy more than I did with Alexandra. I find myself being thankful for every little ache, pain, cramp, and crazy symptom that comes along with it. I also find myself not complaining like I did with Alex. I actually LOVE being pregnant this time around (maybe in part due to the fact that I'm not miserably sick like I was with Alexandra!) and I am finding a deeper connection to my daughter too. I'm finding that through this pregnancy I look at her and am thankful for every moment she grew within me and every moment we have had together. My love for her grows deeper daily, its just part of being a loss mom I guess.
So for those of you wondering WHY I post so much about pregnancy, there is just a small amount of insight for you. For those of you that ever wondered what it would be like to have a baby after a loss, this is for you too.. And for those of you that ever wonder what its like to lose a pregnancy, this is just a SMALL glimpse into that world. Its raw, but its the truth. Its how I have coped, but certainly not ALL of how I have coped. That, has been shared and revealed in bits and pieces over time. The process is continual, and with each passing moment, each passing day it DOES get easier. And with each anniversary of my losses, each due date that passes, I remember, but it gets easier over time. I find myself often just glancing over those days, feeling sad for just a moment, but thankful for what I have been blessed with in this life. Its those small things that make the difficult moments smaller and smaller every year.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Info for you to chew on
Lately, as the birth of our son draws closer, I have been facing some discouraging comments. For me this is hard since I am typically one to follow the pack on many stances and rarely do something that isn't in the "norm." Even when I feel strongly about something, in the presence of strangers I tend to hide that opinion in the name of keeping the peace, but as you may well know (just check out my Facebook feed!) I'm very well educated when it comes to birth and breastfeeding related topics. I'm not always eloquent in the way I convey this information, but I know it and I know it well. I am constantly eager to read new studies, absorb information, read debates, and all around educate myself in every aspect of this subject matter. I'm hungry for it and I can't seem to get enough. It is because of this information and knowledge I felt confident enough to step out to the world and share that I was planning on birthing my child at home/in a home setting.
Here is were things got sticky and in walked the nay-sayers. The ones who don't believe I can do it. The ones who think I'm bat-crap crazy and the ones who think I am just doing it because it is the "trendy" thing to do. Here is where I say you are wrong, and NOTHING gets my goat worse than hearing these comments. Especially the comments to the effect of "You can't do it," or "You're only doing this because your friends are doing it." I'm not going to lie, those sting the worst. Not because of the words, but because it seems you have zero confidence in the fact that I have a brain and have used it for myself. Even those I love the most sometimes make these comments, and I would be lying if I said they didn't make me cry. Maybe not in front of them, but often times when I'm alone, that's when it happens.
This is what I say to you, please don't look at me like I'm crazy, especially as the birth nears. This isn't about what you would choose, and if you were in my position you have the right to choose differently. This is about what I KNOW through reading literally THOUSANDS of pages of research, books, and articles to be the right choice for me and for my family. Not many are as well researched on this subject as I am, but I encourage you to make a well informed choice before jumping to conclusions about those of us who choose homebirth and natural birth. As someone I look up to says, "Consider the BAR- Benefits, Alternatives, and Risks." Consider it before jumping to conclusions about those of us that have chosen this, its hard enough to make unconventional choices without the negative comments and reactions.
Here is were things got sticky and in walked the nay-sayers. The ones who don't believe I can do it. The ones who think I'm bat-crap crazy and the ones who think I am just doing it because it is the "trendy" thing to do. Here is where I say you are wrong, and NOTHING gets my goat worse than hearing these comments. Especially the comments to the effect of "You can't do it," or "You're only doing this because your friends are doing it." I'm not going to lie, those sting the worst. Not because of the words, but because it seems you have zero confidence in the fact that I have a brain and have used it for myself. Even those I love the most sometimes make these comments, and I would be lying if I said they didn't make me cry. Maybe not in front of them, but often times when I'm alone, that's when it happens.
This is what I say to you, please don't look at me like I'm crazy, especially as the birth nears. This isn't about what you would choose, and if you were in my position you have the right to choose differently. This is about what I KNOW through reading literally THOUSANDS of pages of research, books, and articles to be the right choice for me and for my family. Not many are as well researched on this subject as I am, but I encourage you to make a well informed choice before jumping to conclusions about those of us who choose homebirth and natural birth. As someone I look up to says, "Consider the BAR- Benefits, Alternatives, and Risks." Consider it before jumping to conclusions about those of us that have chosen this, its hard enough to make unconventional choices without the negative comments and reactions.
Friday, November 2, 2012
Baby Bean
As you all know I am a big supporter of home birth, natural birth and going into labor on your own. As I enter into my second trimester I am thinking a lot about what my ideal birthing experience would look like. I think and re-think every possibly outcome and pray that the most positive outcome occurs. For me I chose to have a home birth with this baby for a lot of reasons. The biggest being that I felt so unfulfilled after Alexandra's birth. I didn't hold a sense of accomplishment in her birth and felt a major let down after her birth did not turn out the way I had planned it.
Alexandra's birth ended in a c-section. Something I later found out from a midwife and an OB that was not needed. I "failed to progress," code for my labor was not moving as quickly as doctors thought it should. The doctor who delivered Alexandra is well known in town for being a c-section lover, and after talking to three other mothers who had them as their OB, I questioned the importance of my c-section. I wanted to know why and I wanted to know HOW I could avoid this situation again. I wanted a normal birth, but I quickly found that my birth WAS considered normal. With that thought, I backed up and questioned WHY it was the norm and not the exception.
Why on earth were c-sections becoming the rule rather than the exception? I was highly disappointed in what I found through research, questioning my doctors and myself. I knew in my heart that the reason I was failing to progress was not because of anything physically wrong with me, but simply put my body was NOT ready to bring this child into the world yet. I tried so hard to be brave and labor without an epidural, something that I had as a goal from the beginning of my pregnancy, but Pitocin intensified my contractions. At one point I remember trying to focus, all the while my mom and husband at my side being as supportive as possible, but I could NOT see past the pain. The intensity was indescribable. By that point, I asked for an epidural in order to better focus on bringing my daughter forth into the world. BIG MISTAKE! My cervix clamped down as tightly as it possibly could.
All of these mistakes with my birth of Alexandra brought me to questions I needed answers to. I KNEW at some point I would want to birth a child at home. I just always knew that was something I wanted to do, not because it was abnormal, but because it was something I wanted to experience. I wanted to experience bringing my child into the world in the privacy of my home. I wanted to to feel safe, secure and comfortable in a setting that no matter what I did or said, I could relax. In all of these thoughts I was led to a group called ICAN- International Cesarean Awareness Network. I can NOT say enough positive things about this group!!!
Shortly before joining an ICAN support group, I found myself pregnant. Sadly we lost that baby, but it was the catalyst I needed to take control of my birthing experience. I'm not saying c-sections don't have their place. Sometimes they are MUCH needed to save a mother's life, but I also found that much of the research I found through ICAN and through independent resources was pointing to a problem with c-sections. Especially repeat c-sections. I did NOT want to be one of those women. I knew maybe there was a chance that I could still be one of these women who could birth their child in their own home.
I found that less than 1% of VBAC (Vaginal Birth after Cesarean) end in a poor outcome. And only 3% finally end in a c-section. This meant that 96% of VBAC's had positive outcomes ending in a birth the way I wanted it. I will take those odds! With a well trained professional, I found that I could have a baby at home. There are certain warning signs that mom's scar isn't doing so well and after meeting with two midwives for baby Bean I settled on one who was extremely knowledgeable in the warning signs, and had a policy that ensured safety for both myself and our child. I love the idea of having a birth at home or in a home like setting.
So to introduce to the world, baby Bean will be "due" on May 10, 2013. That being said, we are not placing much stock in the date he/she will be born. We know baby will come when they are good and ready. We look forward to sharing stories about this child as much as we do Alexandra and loving them as much as we love her. :-)
Alexandra's birth ended in a c-section. Something I later found out from a midwife and an OB that was not needed. I "failed to progress," code for my labor was not moving as quickly as doctors thought it should. The doctor who delivered Alexandra is well known in town for being a c-section lover, and after talking to three other mothers who had them as their OB, I questioned the importance of my c-section. I wanted to know why and I wanted to know HOW I could avoid this situation again. I wanted a normal birth, but I quickly found that my birth WAS considered normal. With that thought, I backed up and questioned WHY it was the norm and not the exception.
Why on earth were c-sections becoming the rule rather than the exception? I was highly disappointed in what I found through research, questioning my doctors and myself. I knew in my heart that the reason I was failing to progress was not because of anything physically wrong with me, but simply put my body was NOT ready to bring this child into the world yet. I tried so hard to be brave and labor without an epidural, something that I had as a goal from the beginning of my pregnancy, but Pitocin intensified my contractions. At one point I remember trying to focus, all the while my mom and husband at my side being as supportive as possible, but I could NOT see past the pain. The intensity was indescribable. By that point, I asked for an epidural in order to better focus on bringing my daughter forth into the world. BIG MISTAKE! My cervix clamped down as tightly as it possibly could.
All of these mistakes with my birth of Alexandra brought me to questions I needed answers to. I KNEW at some point I would want to birth a child at home. I just always knew that was something I wanted to do, not because it was abnormal, but because it was something I wanted to experience. I wanted to experience bringing my child into the world in the privacy of my home. I wanted to to feel safe, secure and comfortable in a setting that no matter what I did or said, I could relax. In all of these thoughts I was led to a group called ICAN- International Cesarean Awareness Network. I can NOT say enough positive things about this group!!!
Shortly before joining an ICAN support group, I found myself pregnant. Sadly we lost that baby, but it was the catalyst I needed to take control of my birthing experience. I'm not saying c-sections don't have their place. Sometimes they are MUCH needed to save a mother's life, but I also found that much of the research I found through ICAN and through independent resources was pointing to a problem with c-sections. Especially repeat c-sections. I did NOT want to be one of those women. I knew maybe there was a chance that I could still be one of these women who could birth their child in their own home.
I found that less than 1% of VBAC (Vaginal Birth after Cesarean) end in a poor outcome. And only 3% finally end in a c-section. This meant that 96% of VBAC's had positive outcomes ending in a birth the way I wanted it. I will take those odds! With a well trained professional, I found that I could have a baby at home. There are certain warning signs that mom's scar isn't doing so well and after meeting with two midwives for baby Bean I settled on one who was extremely knowledgeable in the warning signs, and had a policy that ensured safety for both myself and our child. I love the idea of having a birth at home or in a home like setting.
So to introduce to the world, baby Bean will be "due" on May 10, 2013. That being said, we are not placing much stock in the date he/she will be born. We know baby will come when they are good and ready. We look forward to sharing stories about this child as much as we do Alexandra and loving them as much as we love her. :-)
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Christians and Voting
To say I am disappointed in my fellow Christians is an understatement. When did voting become an issue of salvation? Last time I checked the Bible is pretty mute on this subject. Yes, I DO believe as Christians it is our duty to vote, but also believe this of ALL Americans, not JUST the Christian population. I believe that it is our job to choose who will do the best job serving ALL of the people in this country. I make no pledges to one particular political party. Both parties in my opinion have pros and cons, and this post will NOT be about who I feel fits the bill for president.
What I am going to say is that I do not always agree with my fellow believers who vote straight ticket Republican/Democratic. That is just silly in my opinion. We are given choices in the country for a reason. Our duty is to choose whom we think will do the best job at protecting our rights, affording rights to its citizens, and working to keep (and in some cases restore) our country as wonderful as it has been. Our country was established to give the rights to its people, and as such I have the right to think differently than someone else might think. It doesn't make me a bad person, and it does not make me a bad Christian.
Now there are some issues in this election that I simply can not look past. I am pro-life, I always have been and always will be. I believe life starts at conception, but the abortion issue is not going to vanish in this country. Lets face it, not all people in this country believe in abstinence and it breaks my heart to say this, but if we want to solve one of our biggest abortion issues, for those who are sexually active we NEED to provide them with accurate information. This means teaching young ladies how to use contraception appropriately and allowing access to affordable birth control for the low income individuals who need it. Boys should be taught the proper way to use a condom to prevent the spread of many of the diseases and girls should be taught how to stop for a moment to make sure their partners are USING protection in addition to birth control. Many unwanted pregnancies would be prevented this way.
Many of my fellow Christians would not agree with my stance on this issue. Instead of looking at the facts, they choose to blindly ignore sex in favor of teaching nothing but abstinence. Now don't get me wrong, I intend to teach my child abstinence, but ALSO intend to inform her so that she knows ALL of her options. I believe that turning a blind eye to the issue and lack of education only perpetuates the situation, leading to more children who grow up in poverty and often times in situations that can be delicate at best. After all Jesus hung out with prostitutes, so he knew how to love those who had sex outside of marriage too.
Now I'm not saying I'm perfect, heck at this time I am considered to be in the poverty level and have one child and another on the way. That being said, I work hard to accept the responsibility I have been given and know the consequences of my actions. We both are working to better ourselves (in fact in just shy of two weeks I take my first of many classes with the end goal of being a Certified Practicing Midwife--- More on that later!!) and it shows. We are living on a tight budget, I stay at home with Alexandra to save money on child care (because it is DANG expensive) and we are saving like there is no tomorrow while paying off debt we have acquired over the last seven years. We live with David's parents to save money on housing, so that the money we WOULD be spending on rent is going to savings as well as debt. We have a tough road, but we got ourselves into this mess and intend to get ourselves out.
Now onto another issue with this election that, frankly, is going to piss some people off. I'm talking about the elephant in the room, gay marriage. Now we all know what I believe. My faith teaches that it is a sin to be gay, but I have gay "friends" and people I love who are gay, and to me it is no more sinful than looking at porn or adultry. Sin is sin in God's eyes, regardless, but I am not the one to make the judgement on their eternal well being. I am not qualified, nor do I want the job. I have my own crap that I judge myself on, and I'm frankly too busy to judge someone else on their stuff.
Now, religious beliefs out of the way, I have to say it is my opinion that they should be allowed to marry just as much as I am allowed to have married David. Frankly I think the government has no business in that either, its a PERSONAL and RELIGIOUS choice. Marriage in and of itself is a contract I believe to be made between a couple and their God. That being said, the government has gotten involved with straight couples and afforded us the rights to combine our finances, lives and property into one. Shouldn't gays be allowed that too? This is a question of basic human rights, not if it is right or wrong.
Finally the socialized medicine is an issue for me. Boy is THIS another hot button issue among Christians, probably just as much, if not more, than the the gay marriage issue. Again, I'm not saying agree with it. I don't want my taxes raised, especially on my loved ones who would REALLY be the ones paying for this, but I DO think that there needs to be something done about the state of our health care system. For example, insurance needs to be made affordable to all people. Perhaps a sliding scale? Another example, and one you most certainly will know I am passionate about, is unnecessary medical interventions, especially in the cases of birth. Women are not being given the rights to choose with whom and WHERE we want to birth our children and in many cases are stuck paying for a normal thing out of pocket. Tests are being preformed on healthy individuals because they are on medicare/medicaid and doctors know they can get more money that way. Even for people who have private insurance this is happening. Legislation needs to be made for these things to stop happening, and they only way I see that happening is if the people of American DEMAND change in the system.
I am not saying to vote for one particular candidate or the other. Honestly they both have pro's and con's in my opinion, but if I choose to vote differently from you, don't bash me or my belief system for it. Don't be hostile if I disagree with you and don't question my salvation. If there is one thing I have NEVER been more sure of, it is my eternal fate. For you simply to pronounce damnation on me because I see things DIFFERENTLY than you is wrong also. I love my God and I do my best to follow his teachings, but I also try to look at life practically, especially since having a child. Some of you are going to stand firm in what you say/feel and that is fine. YOU are given that RIGHT by the very Constitution that you hold so dear, but don't show hostility toward me because of what I believe to be right for my COUNTRY and ultimately my loved ones. And to those I have shown hostility toward in past elections, I say now that I am very sorry, it was a very unChrist-like attitude.
What I am going to say is that I do not always agree with my fellow believers who vote straight ticket Republican/Democratic. That is just silly in my opinion. We are given choices in the country for a reason. Our duty is to choose whom we think will do the best job at protecting our rights, affording rights to its citizens, and working to keep (and in some cases restore) our country as wonderful as it has been. Our country was established to give the rights to its people, and as such I have the right to think differently than someone else might think. It doesn't make me a bad person, and it does not make me a bad Christian.
Now there are some issues in this election that I simply can not look past. I am pro-life, I always have been and always will be. I believe life starts at conception, but the abortion issue is not going to vanish in this country. Lets face it, not all people in this country believe in abstinence and it breaks my heart to say this, but if we want to solve one of our biggest abortion issues, for those who are sexually active we NEED to provide them with accurate information. This means teaching young ladies how to use contraception appropriately and allowing access to affordable birth control for the low income individuals who need it. Boys should be taught the proper way to use a condom to prevent the spread of many of the diseases and girls should be taught how to stop for a moment to make sure their partners are USING protection in addition to birth control. Many unwanted pregnancies would be prevented this way.
Many of my fellow Christians would not agree with my stance on this issue. Instead of looking at the facts, they choose to blindly ignore sex in favor of teaching nothing but abstinence. Now don't get me wrong, I intend to teach my child abstinence, but ALSO intend to inform her so that she knows ALL of her options. I believe that turning a blind eye to the issue and lack of education only perpetuates the situation, leading to more children who grow up in poverty and often times in situations that can be delicate at best. After all Jesus hung out with prostitutes, so he knew how to love those who had sex outside of marriage too.
Now I'm not saying I'm perfect, heck at this time I am considered to be in the poverty level and have one child and another on the way. That being said, I work hard to accept the responsibility I have been given and know the consequences of my actions. We both are working to better ourselves (in fact in just shy of two weeks I take my first of many classes with the end goal of being a Certified Practicing Midwife--- More on that later!!) and it shows. We are living on a tight budget, I stay at home with Alexandra to save money on child care (because it is DANG expensive) and we are saving like there is no tomorrow while paying off debt we have acquired over the last seven years. We live with David's parents to save money on housing, so that the money we WOULD be spending on rent is going to savings as well as debt. We have a tough road, but we got ourselves into this mess and intend to get ourselves out.
Now onto another issue with this election that, frankly, is going to piss some people off. I'm talking about the elephant in the room, gay marriage. Now we all know what I believe. My faith teaches that it is a sin to be gay, but I have gay "friends" and people I love who are gay, and to me it is no more sinful than looking at porn or adultry. Sin is sin in God's eyes, regardless, but I am not the one to make the judgement on their eternal well being. I am not qualified, nor do I want the job. I have my own crap that I judge myself on, and I'm frankly too busy to judge someone else on their stuff.
Now, religious beliefs out of the way, I have to say it is my opinion that they should be allowed to marry just as much as I am allowed to have married David. Frankly I think the government has no business in that either, its a PERSONAL and RELIGIOUS choice. Marriage in and of itself is a contract I believe to be made between a couple and their God. That being said, the government has gotten involved with straight couples and afforded us the rights to combine our finances, lives and property into one. Shouldn't gays be allowed that too? This is a question of basic human rights, not if it is right or wrong.
Finally the socialized medicine is an issue for me. Boy is THIS another hot button issue among Christians, probably just as much, if not more, than the the gay marriage issue. Again, I'm not saying agree with it. I don't want my taxes raised, especially on my loved ones who would REALLY be the ones paying for this, but I DO think that there needs to be something done about the state of our health care system. For example, insurance needs to be made affordable to all people. Perhaps a sliding scale? Another example, and one you most certainly will know I am passionate about, is unnecessary medical interventions, especially in the cases of birth. Women are not being given the rights to choose with whom and WHERE we want to birth our children and in many cases are stuck paying for a normal thing out of pocket. Tests are being preformed on healthy individuals because they are on medicare/medicaid and doctors know they can get more money that way. Even for people who have private insurance this is happening. Legislation needs to be made for these things to stop happening, and they only way I see that happening is if the people of American DEMAND change in the system.
I am not saying to vote for one particular candidate or the other. Honestly they both have pro's and con's in my opinion, but if I choose to vote differently from you, don't bash me or my belief system for it. Don't be hostile if I disagree with you and don't question my salvation. If there is one thing I have NEVER been more sure of, it is my eternal fate. For you simply to pronounce damnation on me because I see things DIFFERENTLY than you is wrong also. I love my God and I do my best to follow his teachings, but I also try to look at life practically, especially since having a child. Some of you are going to stand firm in what you say/feel and that is fine. YOU are given that RIGHT by the very Constitution that you hold so dear, but don't show hostility toward me because of what I believe to be right for my COUNTRY and ultimately my loved ones. And to those I have shown hostility toward in past elections, I say now that I am very sorry, it was a very unChrist-like attitude.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Infant Loss, SIDS, Miscarriage and Still Birth
Wow! Its been a while. I guess I only write when I have something I need to talk about or want to share. So here goes my two cents for the time being. I'm sure there will be other updates to follow.
October is Infant Loss, Still Birth, Miscarriage and SIDS awareness month. Yes I know it is also breast cancer awareness month, but what better time to be thinking about our children than when thinking about ways we can be caring for ourselves too? I have been thinking on this subject much more than normal. Namely because we are expecting again. Most of you don't know this, but David and I suffered another miscarriage in March. My heart was shattered to say the least. I couldn't function for about a week. Laying there on the couch after receiving the news that we were really going to be loosing another child I sobbed. I held my daughter close and I sobbed. My heart was broken in to a million pieces.
I love being a mom. It is my greatest joy in life. Having Alexandra has been the best blessing I could have ever asked for, but I was shattered when I found out I was loosing yet another baby. We shared with my parents after the fact. It was hard to say the least. Yes I knew I would be met with challenges having children so close in age, but there is a little part of your soul that dies when you loose a pregnancy. I can't explain it to anyone unless they themselves have been through it, but it feels as though you will never be whole again. It takes time, sometimes a long time, to feel like you are a normal human being and even longer to feel like your heart is starting to heal. I still feel a small whole seven months later. I have fretted worse over this pregnancy that I did with Alexandra. Every little pull, stretch, cramp, or odd sensation has made me wonder "Is everything still healthy?"
This brings me to why I am posting this blog post. Its about sharing with you the ups and downs of grief. Grief, especially over a child (no matter the length they were on this earth), is somewhat circular. It is all over the place. You may have a day or two where you feel like you did before your heart was broken, only to be blindsided with something that sets you down the path of tears, fear, or any number of emotions. You are never the same person again. Be it if your child died while you were pregnant, or in some accident you are NEVER the same person again.
Here is what you can do for a family (especially a woman) who has lost a baby. First, validate her feelings. Let her know it is okay to feel angry, sad, scared, depressed or even guilty. Women have an extra special connection to their children. We grow them inside of us, knowing them from essentially the moment of conception. Being a mother is a very intimate bond. This isn't to say that men can not have this feeling about their children, but it is a different kind of bond. Especially in my case, acknowledge that the pregnancy was real and that her feelings of loss are real. Don't ignore it, instead love the parents when they need it the most.
Second is something I briefly mentioned above. Acknowledged the loss. People want to know you are thinking about them and their children. We want to know that we are being prayed for, thought of, and taken care of. This applies to all aspects of loss, but especially in early pregnancy loss. I can honestly say that I had some horrible comments made to me after loosing a baby. Yes I didn't not get to feel my baby move or even hold them yet, but I still LOVED my child. I had dreams for them. When you loose a child, all of those dreams are dashed in an instant. You dream about their careers, their personalities, their hobbies, what you will teach them or what they will teach their children. You dream about every aspect of their life. When a child dies, it is very hard with the next one to have these dreams for them. You fear that they will be gone again, and sometimes when you let your guard down (as in my case) your dreams are once again shattered.
Finally, talk about it with the family. Offer to make them a meal or to do a load of laundry. Offer to walk their pets or to just sit with them for a while. Giving the family time to grieve in whatever way works for them helps them to accept what has happened and to get back to normal. I tried to get back to normal relatively quickly with my loss in March, but it also made things much more difficult. I was traveling within a few days of finding out. I had moments of forgetting while visiting with family, celebrating a wedding, and traveling, but I never stopped hurting. My daughter was my greatest comfort. She was my ray of sunshine in my darkest moments. My husband was my rock, hugging me when I needed it, calling to check in on me and just generally loving me the way I needed it.
I urge you if you have ever experienced a loss, no matter how old your child or family member was to find a project you can do to help you heal. Right now I am doing a project called capture your grief. You take photos of various things that are important to you. To say it has been healing would be an understatement. It has given me hope for this child. It has helped me to stay relaxed and it has helped me during a month I knew would be difficult. (Our due date was November 3) We love our babies, ALL of them and it has given me a chance to show that love for them.
October is Infant Loss, Still Birth, Miscarriage and SIDS awareness month. Yes I know it is also breast cancer awareness month, but what better time to be thinking about our children than when thinking about ways we can be caring for ourselves too? I have been thinking on this subject much more than normal. Namely because we are expecting again. Most of you don't know this, but David and I suffered another miscarriage in March. My heart was shattered to say the least. I couldn't function for about a week. Laying there on the couch after receiving the news that we were really going to be loosing another child I sobbed. I held my daughter close and I sobbed. My heart was broken in to a million pieces.
I love being a mom. It is my greatest joy in life. Having Alexandra has been the best blessing I could have ever asked for, but I was shattered when I found out I was loosing yet another baby. We shared with my parents after the fact. It was hard to say the least. Yes I knew I would be met with challenges having children so close in age, but there is a little part of your soul that dies when you loose a pregnancy. I can't explain it to anyone unless they themselves have been through it, but it feels as though you will never be whole again. It takes time, sometimes a long time, to feel like you are a normal human being and even longer to feel like your heart is starting to heal. I still feel a small whole seven months later. I have fretted worse over this pregnancy that I did with Alexandra. Every little pull, stretch, cramp, or odd sensation has made me wonder "Is everything still healthy?"
This brings me to why I am posting this blog post. Its about sharing with you the ups and downs of grief. Grief, especially over a child (no matter the length they were on this earth), is somewhat circular. It is all over the place. You may have a day or two where you feel like you did before your heart was broken, only to be blindsided with something that sets you down the path of tears, fear, or any number of emotions. You are never the same person again. Be it if your child died while you were pregnant, or in some accident you are NEVER the same person again.
Here is what you can do for a family (especially a woman) who has lost a baby. First, validate her feelings. Let her know it is okay to feel angry, sad, scared, depressed or even guilty. Women have an extra special connection to their children. We grow them inside of us, knowing them from essentially the moment of conception. Being a mother is a very intimate bond. This isn't to say that men can not have this feeling about their children, but it is a different kind of bond. Especially in my case, acknowledge that the pregnancy was real and that her feelings of loss are real. Don't ignore it, instead love the parents when they need it the most.
Second is something I briefly mentioned above. Acknowledged the loss. People want to know you are thinking about them and their children. We want to know that we are being prayed for, thought of, and taken care of. This applies to all aspects of loss, but especially in early pregnancy loss. I can honestly say that I had some horrible comments made to me after loosing a baby. Yes I didn't not get to feel my baby move or even hold them yet, but I still LOVED my child. I had dreams for them. When you loose a child, all of those dreams are dashed in an instant. You dream about their careers, their personalities, their hobbies, what you will teach them or what they will teach their children. You dream about every aspect of their life. When a child dies, it is very hard with the next one to have these dreams for them. You fear that they will be gone again, and sometimes when you let your guard down (as in my case) your dreams are once again shattered.
Finally, talk about it with the family. Offer to make them a meal or to do a load of laundry. Offer to walk their pets or to just sit with them for a while. Giving the family time to grieve in whatever way works for them helps them to accept what has happened and to get back to normal. I tried to get back to normal relatively quickly with my loss in March, but it also made things much more difficult. I was traveling within a few days of finding out. I had moments of forgetting while visiting with family, celebrating a wedding, and traveling, but I never stopped hurting. My daughter was my greatest comfort. She was my ray of sunshine in my darkest moments. My husband was my rock, hugging me when I needed it, calling to check in on me and just generally loving me the way I needed it.
I urge you if you have ever experienced a loss, no matter how old your child or family member was to find a project you can do to help you heal. Right now I am doing a project called capture your grief. You take photos of various things that are important to you. To say it has been healing would be an understatement. It has given me hope for this child. It has helped me to stay relaxed and it has helped me during a month I knew would be difficult. (Our due date was November 3) We love our babies, ALL of them and it has given me a chance to show that love for them.
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