Bondage

Tonight was yet another sleepless night and I was trying to make myself sleepy by going through some of my old favorite videos on Youtube. I happened to run across a video of the lyrics to the song "Everything" by Lifehouse so I watched. That of course lead me to a link to a skit that some students did with the song. It was extremely powerful and it got my wheels turning. I began to think about bondage and its impact on our lives.

There is always that one small thing that people struggle with to over come. For some it may be a bad habit, others it may be something much stronger like addiction. This got me thinking about my own shortcoming and I got to thinking about all of the areas that I fail in life. I struggle with a lot of things. I often times buy into what the Wester world thinks as beautiful, I buy into my own personal inadiquacies, and I buy into what other think of me in general.

My whole life I have struggled with an addiction to food. As crazy as it may sound, yes food can become an addiction and for me it is often times an overpowering addiction. I use food to soothe me when I'm feeling upset, lonely, or just plain bored. Its an obession and I often times find myself thinking about my next snack. As a result of this I'm terribly overweight and no matter how hard I try to fight it, I just can't seem to stop obsessing. It is my bondage. I struggle daily with asking Christ to take the sin of gluttony from my plate, and I often fail. Some days are good, but like an alcholic or druggie I find myself looking for my next food fix.

When I'm not eating, I find myself obessing over what I have (or have not) had to eat in a certain time period. I try diets and "ways" of living to no avail. Its as though this addiction has such a hold over me that I am uncertain what to do with myself when I'm not consumed by it. I have even gone so far as to seek out Over Eaters Anonomous to seek help and support in this addiction, yet nothing seems to work. I know I have to eat to live, but this type of eating disorder is going to kill me one day if I can't put a stop to it. Not only that, but it can and has affected my ability to carry a child to full term. Its not only endangering my life, but the life of those around me.

This bondage is something that I have hidden so well, that up until about two years into my relationship with David, he had not a clue that this was going on. It took me confessing to him about this struggle for him to find out. There were even times that I practiced buliemic tendancies, though those cycles have always been short lived, as I loath vomiting.

I continue to pray daily that Christ can help me to shake these chains away. That he will help me to over come my sinful ways and that he will hold me up on those difficult moments when I need his loving hand to guide me. I am asking God once and for all to fully deliver me from this bondage I am under and lift me from this blackhole.