I write this post with a heavy heart, but also with a peace surrounding me that only one who believes in the great healer can understand. David and I have had a very difficult month an a half, more so on my end, and it is because of the heaviness I feel the need to get things off of my chest.
Let me first off start by saying I love my husband dearly. He is my biggest support and sometimes my only support, holding me up in ways that only one who knows you intimately can do. I am extremely proud of him, and anyone who has seen us together would know that I hold a strong pride in my spouse. He continues to provide for us both in meeting our physical needs but as well as our emotional and spiritual needs. My husband is my best friend and one of a handful of people I can honestly be myself around.
That being said, we have had some heartbreak that we did not feel the need to share until just a couple of days ago. We felt for both of our sakes it was best to talk about this heartbreak to others so that we could find some closure and healing. God has been incredibly loving and has held me up and brought me to friends that understand the heartache we have been facing. This this is difficult for me to write about, we have decided that it is time to share with the world what exactly has happened. So please bare with me as I am about to become very raw with my emotions.
David and I found out in early March that we were expecting and we were both terrified and thrilled at the same time. We believed that we had conceived sometime in January/ Early February as we had taken a couple of home pregnancy tests that were negative, but I hadn't started my monthly cycle yet. Initially we thought it was due to my PCOS and didn't think anything of it, as its fairly normal for me to be off every few months (and I was long overdue for an irregular month) but something just didn't feel right to me. We found out a week or so later that indeed I was pregnant and of course for any new parent the emotions came flooding through.
I of course did not take into account the fact that I have developed PCOS and with that comes its own set of issues during pregnancy. The long end of the story resulted in a miscarriage for us and I was devastated. Not only did it hurt in the physical sense, but my heart felt so incredibly wounded. I still mourn for my child, and though I know they are in a better place and with a loving God who can offer them a life far better than I could ever offer them, I still ask myself what life would have been like with a little Heselton running around.
Though I know we are no where near ready to have a child (seeing as we just got married under a year ago!) I still long for the day when I can call myself a mother. My biggest ambition in life is to be a mother, and dismal as that may sound to some of you, the majority of you know that I have a mothering and nurturing spirit. God has planted a desire in my heart to be a mother, and though I know some day that will come true, it still pains me not to have it now.
I also know that God can use this in a way that I have not yet figured out. He will bring beauty from these ashes and he is giving me the strength to heal. He allows me to have happy days and he also has given me the ability to feel on those sad days. The happy days are coming closer together and the sad days further apart, and in time I will have less and less sad days. I just pray that my loving Father will continue to lift me up when I call to him. He has given me the peace that I have and will continue to love me unconditionally.
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