Dare I approach this subject. I don't know, but I'm going to.
Last night it was announced to the world that Robin Williams took his life in an apparent suicide. Needless to say I was shocked. I always pictured him in my minds eye as a happy-go-lucky man with little worry. But what is seen by the public is far from accurate, as it has been revealed.
I have read many articles, blog posts and comments today about this man's death. His personal struggles, that I in my naïve way knew little of, were the demons that ultimately lead to him taking his own life.
But what do we say to someone struggling with depression? Why is it such a taboo subject to discuss? And why, in this day and age, do we refuse to acknowledge it's existence?
Robin Williams' death got me really thinking. Thinking about my own personal darkness. I have been there. I have been so deep in a pit that had it not been for a few things I would have chosen the path he chose. I have felt hopeless and I have felt the despair that can not be resolved.
Here is something many don't know about me. I have contemplated suicide. At nineteen I sat in my bathroom in college with a razor blade pointed at my wrists, ready to slice my arm up. I felt hopeless. I felt alone. I felt dark. And I felt like no one cared. I dealt with a lot of demons, and the therapist I saw at the time will never know just how much I am thankful for her. My roommate will never know just how close I was to laying waste to my life. They just won't be able to understand how hopeless I felt. It's real. It's an ugly place to be.
But that wasn't the last time I felt this way. Bless David. Truly, he was the reason I didn't go through with suicide the second time I considered it. He and Lucy gave me something to live for. I had lost a baby. I didn't feel like I could go on. My life was shattered. Again, I sat on the bathroom floor. Again I held a razor to my body. Again it was a choice I couldn't go through with.
It took great strength for me to find something to be hopeful for, but I did. I found hope when I thought all hope was lost. It was by the grace of God that I found this hope. He alone was who saved me. But I have been there, and it's ugly.
Let me just say that suicide is selfish. It doesn't just affect your life, it affects everyone around you. I knew this, but in spite of this I wanted to end my life. Life didn't seem worth living. But then I was blessed. I found balance in my life and fought down my demons. I faced the music and I took ownership over my choices.
This doesn't mean that I don't feel like a screw up sometimes, but I have hope. I have found my way out of the pit. I have found love through Christ and I have found hope in knowing he loves me, no matter how I feel about myself.
I don't care what you believe, but find something to live for. Maybe a pet, a friend, a child, anything really. Seek help. Do not find shame in seeking that help. And do not let anyone tell you that your depression is made up. It's not. It's a real disease and deserves to be treated as such.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Sunday, June 29, 2014
A Glimpse at What Depression Really Looks Like
So this post has been a long while coming. I know I write off an on, but lately I have taken up journaling again. In a way it is therapeutic but also it just helps. I don't know why, but getting all of my thoughts out there, even the less than savory ones, helps me to be a better person. I find I am a bit more patient and a bit more even tempered. Though that is saying quite a bit for me (more on this in a few) to say the words patient and even tempered. These two words just generally are not in my vocabulary.
Upon reflecting about some of this stuff I had an idea that might help those around me gain some understanding about why I am the way I am. For me, I tend to more eloquently put down what needs to be said/what I'm thinking down in written word. I tend to be less confrontational this way and actually get out there what I am thinking without sounding hateful. (Or at least this is my hope.)
Soooo......drumroll please!! A day in the life of someone who suffers from depression. (Better known as a day in the life of Sarah Heselton.)
Generally speaking I am NOT a morning person. I HATE mornings with a passion. If I could stay up all night and sleep all day life would be perfect in my eyes. (Hence one of the many reasons why I love my job so much! Zero sense of time; YES PLEASE!) But life as a mostly full time stay at home mother does not allow for this. SO I struggle getting out of bed. I mean really struggle. Like wrestle with God about why life necessitates living outside of the confines of a bed struggle. Even when I'm medicated I still feel this way. I just hate morning that much. My husband can't seem to quite understand this concept, as he is an "Up to greet the sun" kind of guy. (Polar opposites anyone?!)
Once I am awoken by a child (usually my son, since he shares a bed with us), I muster up the strength to climb the stairs to start the day. It's a battle to put one foot in front of the other when I'm not medicated. I mean this. I probably can't say it enough. IT. IS. A. BATTLE!! Generally as I am climbing the stairs I am putting on my "game face" for the day. This can range from a look of anger to bright eyed and welcoming. Kind of depends on the day. Truly, it is a conscious choice every morning to attempt to be as pleasant as I can. It just isn't in my nature to be a jolly person first thing in the morning. (Save for a few circumstances.)
About this point in the day I have said some kind of prayer. One thing you may (or may not) know about me is that I have a quite active prayer life. I am constantly praying for strength to get through the day. Yes, it is a bit selfish those prayers, but truly it is what gets me through some points in my day. Morning being one of them.
After I get up the stairs usually lugging my 24lb toddler and my 35lb one on my heals, I proceed with the mundane tasks of the morning. Feeding children, putting our oldest on the toilet, getting kids dressed followed by getting myself dressed. This usually happens within a span of an hour. By this point I am less resentful about the fact that I am out of bed and generally feeling a little more cheery.
That said, on REALLY bad days I find myself getting slammed with an overwhelming sense of anxiety. Things like "Am I doing a good job with my kids?" and "Oh gracious, I have xyz chore to accomplish today." send me reeling faster than anything. Keep in mind it isn't ALWAYS like this, just on the particularly bad days. That's when my most commonly prayed prayer comes in for the day. Usually it goes something like this "Jesus, please calm my mind and help me to focus. Help me to be patient with my kids while I handle what needs done." USUALLY it works. I say usually because again, sometimes my body is just so completely out of balance that no amount of prayer is going to help me out.
I will be wickedly honest here. I am a TERRIBLE housekeeper. I mean, awful. It's getting better than it used to. (Trust me, you don't want to know how bad it really was in times past.) But part of the reason I am a terrible house keeper is I get overwhelmed by the thought of having to do this chore or that chore. And before you get all judgey (because I know some of you will) I have tried just about every method of organization for house keeping I can think of. But nothing has worked thus far, aside from staying medicated. My brain just doesn't work that way. Honestly I actually THINK and DO better when there is a bit of clutter around me. I feel closed in by rooms that are too orderly and that is a sure fire way to set in panic faster than anything else. I'm not talking filth here, just clutter. A few dirty clothes on the floor, dust on the shelves that sort of thing makes me feel at home and relaxed. It is what it is.
While we're on the topic of being medicated, I should say a few things about this. Medicated for me means a couple of things, depending on finances. Medicated for me can mean either Lexapro, a serotonin reuptake inhibitor, or some natural methods. If you know me you know I prefer natural methods FIRST over anything else BUT sometimes my brain is so out of whack even those don't fix the problem. And frankly they tend to be more exspensive than the $4 prescription.
Let me also just say that prayer doesn't always work. I am a believer in Jesus. Read my blogs of past and you can see this much, but there is a common problem in the church that drives me absolutely batty about depression. Praying the depression away doesn't work. I'm not saying God isn't the great healer, no that is not what I am saying at all, but we as believers need to step back and realize that SOMETIMES our people need medical help, therapy and many other things to help them through. It actually makes me angry when people say "I am praying for you." but offer to do little else. Thanks, I appreciate the prayers but sometimes I am silently screaming "HOW ABOUT A LITTLE HELP HERE!!" Even something as simple as offering to take my kids for an hour so I can regroup on the bad days would be nice. And trust me I have days where I think to myself "What the hell was I thinking?!"
Back on track with how the rest of my day goes. Usually after tackling chores (typically work related in nature) I spend some time with my kids. By this time I found the lunch hour has snuck up on me and I need to feed them something. So it is a quick game of "Ehh... nothing sounds good but I know I need to eat." in my brain followed by over indulging. Yeah, food and I are always at odds with each other. It's something I have been working on and battling for years.
Once lunch is wrapped up I play for a few more minutes with the kids followed by putting them down for naps. This is a battle with my son currently. Nathaniel HATES naps, but I'm a mean mommy and I make them take at least quiet time. It's my time to do what I want in the afternoons, dream and do a few more chores. Usually this is when dishes get washed, laundry gets thrown in the washer (I'm not so great at the folding and putting away part, but trying to make an effort to be better at it.) and I start gearing myself up for dinner time.
After naps it is dinner prep, where once again I have a bit of a dip in the day. By this point I am getting tired. My depression manifests itself in the form of being tired. I am one of those depressed people that could sleep my life away during the day, but at night can't sleep a wink unless I force myself to.
We go to the gym where I will try to force myself to do some kind of physical activity after dinner. Usually this involves swimming, as I am most relaxed when I am in the water, but some days it is walking on the treadmill or using the elliptical. We come home and we get the kids in bed. I nurse the youngest and read the oldest her bed time stories. Once they are in bed I get my "me time." where I go hide in my office for a while. Usually a half hour or so. I write, read and surf the web for a bit. Then I spend a little time with David before he is off to bed. Wherein I wrap up my day watching a bit of television and then head to bed myself. I wrestle with sleep for an hour or so and finally pass out around 11:30.
So you see, my life is mild compared to some I know. Here is the thing though. I can tell you all of this and to some of you, all you will see is someone who is lazy, unmotivated or directionless. I'm really not. My life is constant battle with my brain. My brain doesn't function properly. It is what it is. I don't know why God made me this way, but he did.
I also know that the dysfunctional brain also is a blessing. Some will not see it that way, but to me it allows me to look at things through a different lens. It makes me compassionate to others. It drives much of what I do concerning my job and it gives me passion. My brain has its glitches, but in it all I am not sure I would change that. It makes me who I am and honestly it helps me to understand better so that I can do my job of supporting women.
My brain is also highly intelligent. I may not come off that way to some, but my brain is full of information. Especially surrounding birth. I know many statistics, thought processes of nurses, midwives and OBs and I am a damn good doula because of that. (and I sure hope that one day I will be a damn good midwife because of it!) I research, I learn and I am constantly absorbing information about my craft. I am who I am and I accept that sometimes I am a bit glitch. And when I am, I have medication to help me be the best person I can be.
Upon reflecting about some of this stuff I had an idea that might help those around me gain some understanding about why I am the way I am. For me, I tend to more eloquently put down what needs to be said/what I'm thinking down in written word. I tend to be less confrontational this way and actually get out there what I am thinking without sounding hateful. (Or at least this is my hope.)
Soooo......drumroll please!! A day in the life of someone who suffers from depression. (Better known as a day in the life of Sarah Heselton.)
Generally speaking I am NOT a morning person. I HATE mornings with a passion. If I could stay up all night and sleep all day life would be perfect in my eyes. (Hence one of the many reasons why I love my job so much! Zero sense of time; YES PLEASE!) But life as a mostly full time stay at home mother does not allow for this. SO I struggle getting out of bed. I mean really struggle. Like wrestle with God about why life necessitates living outside of the confines of a bed struggle. Even when I'm medicated I still feel this way. I just hate morning that much. My husband can't seem to quite understand this concept, as he is an "Up to greet the sun" kind of guy. (Polar opposites anyone?!)
Once I am awoken by a child (usually my son, since he shares a bed with us), I muster up the strength to climb the stairs to start the day. It's a battle to put one foot in front of the other when I'm not medicated. I mean this. I probably can't say it enough. IT. IS. A. BATTLE!! Generally as I am climbing the stairs I am putting on my "game face" for the day. This can range from a look of anger to bright eyed and welcoming. Kind of depends on the day. Truly, it is a conscious choice every morning to attempt to be as pleasant as I can. It just isn't in my nature to be a jolly person first thing in the morning. (Save for a few circumstances.)
About this point in the day I have said some kind of prayer. One thing you may (or may not) know about me is that I have a quite active prayer life. I am constantly praying for strength to get through the day. Yes, it is a bit selfish those prayers, but truly it is what gets me through some points in my day. Morning being one of them.
After I get up the stairs usually lugging my 24lb toddler and my 35lb one on my heals, I proceed with the mundane tasks of the morning. Feeding children, putting our oldest on the toilet, getting kids dressed followed by getting myself dressed. This usually happens within a span of an hour. By this point I am less resentful about the fact that I am out of bed and generally feeling a little more cheery.
That said, on REALLY bad days I find myself getting slammed with an overwhelming sense of anxiety. Things like "Am I doing a good job with my kids?" and "Oh gracious, I have xyz chore to accomplish today." send me reeling faster than anything. Keep in mind it isn't ALWAYS like this, just on the particularly bad days. That's when my most commonly prayed prayer comes in for the day. Usually it goes something like this "Jesus, please calm my mind and help me to focus. Help me to be patient with my kids while I handle what needs done." USUALLY it works. I say usually because again, sometimes my body is just so completely out of balance that no amount of prayer is going to help me out.
I will be wickedly honest here. I am a TERRIBLE housekeeper. I mean, awful. It's getting better than it used to. (Trust me, you don't want to know how bad it really was in times past.) But part of the reason I am a terrible house keeper is I get overwhelmed by the thought of having to do this chore or that chore. And before you get all judgey (because I know some of you will) I have tried just about every method of organization for house keeping I can think of. But nothing has worked thus far, aside from staying medicated. My brain just doesn't work that way. Honestly I actually THINK and DO better when there is a bit of clutter around me. I feel closed in by rooms that are too orderly and that is a sure fire way to set in panic faster than anything else. I'm not talking filth here, just clutter. A few dirty clothes on the floor, dust on the shelves that sort of thing makes me feel at home and relaxed. It is what it is.
While we're on the topic of being medicated, I should say a few things about this. Medicated for me means a couple of things, depending on finances. Medicated for me can mean either Lexapro, a serotonin reuptake inhibitor, or some natural methods. If you know me you know I prefer natural methods FIRST over anything else BUT sometimes my brain is so out of whack even those don't fix the problem. And frankly they tend to be more exspensive than the $4 prescription.
Let me also just say that prayer doesn't always work. I am a believer in Jesus. Read my blogs of past and you can see this much, but there is a common problem in the church that drives me absolutely batty about depression. Praying the depression away doesn't work. I'm not saying God isn't the great healer, no that is not what I am saying at all, but we as believers need to step back and realize that SOMETIMES our people need medical help, therapy and many other things to help them through. It actually makes me angry when people say "I am praying for you." but offer to do little else. Thanks, I appreciate the prayers but sometimes I am silently screaming "HOW ABOUT A LITTLE HELP HERE!!" Even something as simple as offering to take my kids for an hour so I can regroup on the bad days would be nice. And trust me I have days where I think to myself "What the hell was I thinking?!"
Back on track with how the rest of my day goes. Usually after tackling chores (typically work related in nature) I spend some time with my kids. By this time I found the lunch hour has snuck up on me and I need to feed them something. So it is a quick game of "Ehh... nothing sounds good but I know I need to eat." in my brain followed by over indulging. Yeah, food and I are always at odds with each other. It's something I have been working on and battling for years.
Once lunch is wrapped up I play for a few more minutes with the kids followed by putting them down for naps. This is a battle with my son currently. Nathaniel HATES naps, but I'm a mean mommy and I make them take at least quiet time. It's my time to do what I want in the afternoons, dream and do a few more chores. Usually this is when dishes get washed, laundry gets thrown in the washer (I'm not so great at the folding and putting away part, but trying to make an effort to be better at it.) and I start gearing myself up for dinner time.
After naps it is dinner prep, where once again I have a bit of a dip in the day. By this point I am getting tired. My depression manifests itself in the form of being tired. I am one of those depressed people that could sleep my life away during the day, but at night can't sleep a wink unless I force myself to.
We go to the gym where I will try to force myself to do some kind of physical activity after dinner. Usually this involves swimming, as I am most relaxed when I am in the water, but some days it is walking on the treadmill or using the elliptical. We come home and we get the kids in bed. I nurse the youngest and read the oldest her bed time stories. Once they are in bed I get my "me time." where I go hide in my office for a while. Usually a half hour or so. I write, read and surf the web for a bit. Then I spend a little time with David before he is off to bed. Wherein I wrap up my day watching a bit of television and then head to bed myself. I wrestle with sleep for an hour or so and finally pass out around 11:30.
So you see, my life is mild compared to some I know. Here is the thing though. I can tell you all of this and to some of you, all you will see is someone who is lazy, unmotivated or directionless. I'm really not. My life is constant battle with my brain. My brain doesn't function properly. It is what it is. I don't know why God made me this way, but he did.
I also know that the dysfunctional brain also is a blessing. Some will not see it that way, but to me it allows me to look at things through a different lens. It makes me compassionate to others. It drives much of what I do concerning my job and it gives me passion. My brain has its glitches, but in it all I am not sure I would change that. It makes me who I am and honestly it helps me to understand better so that I can do my job of supporting women.
My brain is also highly intelligent. I may not come off that way to some, but my brain is full of information. Especially surrounding birth. I know many statistics, thought processes of nurses, midwives and OBs and I am a damn good doula because of that. (and I sure hope that one day I will be a damn good midwife because of it!) I research, I learn and I am constantly absorbing information about my craft. I am who I am and I accept that sometimes I am a bit glitch. And when I am, I have medication to help me be the best person I can be.
Friday, April 11, 2014
It's about time
It's no big secret I struggle with weight. For years I have battled with my waist line. By some standards I could be considered to have an eating disorder. Though I'm not sure I'm willing to go to that extreme in labeling my love and obsession with food, I am a freely admitting I have a problem.
Here's the thing, I LOVE to eat. I love foods of all kinds. In fact, I can safely assume that I have ALWAYS liked to eat. I come from a family of excellent cooks, well meaning grandparents that overfeed, and family members that love to eat equally as much as I do. Heck, most of our family gatherings growing up involved food in some capacity or other. Simply put, I can't escape food, and frankly who would want to?!
So what's a girl like me to do when they want to find a healthy balance between food and life? Limiting calories didn't work, I always walked away hungry and I was cranky at the end of the day. Gluten free didn't work. It was far too difficult for me and my family HATED it. Vegetarianism? Forget it! I love me some meat! Atkins? Nope! Not gonna work, I enjoy eating fruit too much. Weight Watchers? Too time consuming, not cost effective and I never felt satisfied. See my dilemma?
New on the scene in many churches, women's study groups and dieters circles is a program called Trim Healthy Mama. Dare I try it? Could this be the answer I have been looking for to shed the unwanted weight, feel healthy again and still satisfy my family? So I got the book starting on Sunday evening and have been giving it a good read through. I have to say, so far I am enjoying the read, have found myself to agree with **most** of the information and have seen plenty of success stories to feel like it is worth an honest try.
The kicker, NO FOOD GROUP IS OFF LIMITS! I am praying that through working through the book, learning this style of eating and LOTS of focus I am able to shed the weight. What's more is that I am deeply praying that I can lift the bondage food has held over me for years. I'm not sure why, but food has always been a coping mechanism for me. It's the way I deal with emotional situations and it's my way of avoiding what is truly bothering me.
Now for me to be this transparent with you, there is something one should understand. As a general rule, when it comes to my eating habits I am not very honest with myself. It is painful to be this transparent but it's something I am learning I NEED to be more honest about. I will never overcome this sinful mentality about food (often bordering on gluttonous) if I don't share with others what i'm really struggling with.
I'm a control freak too. Being unable to control 100% of my life, my children's behavior or other people's behavior drive me crazy. Food IS the one thing I CAN control. I have had an unhealthy relationship with food for years and that HAS to stop or I am going to eat myself into an early grave. For the sake of my children and husband I just can't do that. There are certain people and situations in my life that make it worse. Frankly, the fact that I march to the beat of my own drum creates some of those situations.
My husband doesn't quite understand either. Oh, he TRIES to understand, but unless you have had a power struggle with food or emotional eating, it's difficult for people to understand. But I'm prayerfully letting it go. Did you read that? I'M LETTING IT GO! Food will no longer have the power of me.
Does that mean I am going to stop eating or enjoying food? No way! God made me to enjoy food and he made food enjoyable for his people. That's why we can't survive on just water, sunshine or the air! We HAVE to have food. So why not enjoy it? Why not find joy in it again? With some hard work, lots of prayer and a little encouragement I can and WILL do this! It's about time after all.
Here's the thing, I LOVE to eat. I love foods of all kinds. In fact, I can safely assume that I have ALWAYS liked to eat. I come from a family of excellent cooks, well meaning grandparents that overfeed, and family members that love to eat equally as much as I do. Heck, most of our family gatherings growing up involved food in some capacity or other. Simply put, I can't escape food, and frankly who would want to?!
So what's a girl like me to do when they want to find a healthy balance between food and life? Limiting calories didn't work, I always walked away hungry and I was cranky at the end of the day. Gluten free didn't work. It was far too difficult for me and my family HATED it. Vegetarianism? Forget it! I love me some meat! Atkins? Nope! Not gonna work, I enjoy eating fruit too much. Weight Watchers? Too time consuming, not cost effective and I never felt satisfied. See my dilemma?
New on the scene in many churches, women's study groups and dieters circles is a program called Trim Healthy Mama. Dare I try it? Could this be the answer I have been looking for to shed the unwanted weight, feel healthy again and still satisfy my family? So I got the book starting on Sunday evening and have been giving it a good read through. I have to say, so far I am enjoying the read, have found myself to agree with **most** of the information and have seen plenty of success stories to feel like it is worth an honest try.
The kicker, NO FOOD GROUP IS OFF LIMITS! I am praying that through working through the book, learning this style of eating and LOTS of focus I am able to shed the weight. What's more is that I am deeply praying that I can lift the bondage food has held over me for years. I'm not sure why, but food has always been a coping mechanism for me. It's the way I deal with emotional situations and it's my way of avoiding what is truly bothering me.
Now for me to be this transparent with you, there is something one should understand. As a general rule, when it comes to my eating habits I am not very honest with myself. It is painful to be this transparent but it's something I am learning I NEED to be more honest about. I will never overcome this sinful mentality about food (often bordering on gluttonous) if I don't share with others what i'm really struggling with.
I'm a control freak too. Being unable to control 100% of my life, my children's behavior or other people's behavior drive me crazy. Food IS the one thing I CAN control. I have had an unhealthy relationship with food for years and that HAS to stop or I am going to eat myself into an early grave. For the sake of my children and husband I just can't do that. There are certain people and situations in my life that make it worse. Frankly, the fact that I march to the beat of my own drum creates some of those situations.
My husband doesn't quite understand either. Oh, he TRIES to understand, but unless you have had a power struggle with food or emotional eating, it's difficult for people to understand. But I'm prayerfully letting it go. Did you read that? I'M LETTING IT GO! Food will no longer have the power of me.
Does that mean I am going to stop eating or enjoying food? No way! God made me to enjoy food and he made food enjoyable for his people. That's why we can't survive on just water, sunshine or the air! We HAVE to have food. So why not enjoy it? Why not find joy in it again? With some hard work, lots of prayer and a little encouragement I can and WILL do this! It's about time after all.
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Musings of a late night rambler
I know, I haven't updated or written a post in FOREVER. Shocker! Alas, it seems life has taken over and things like my joy of writing, even if it is about myself/family, has been placed on the back burner in favor of the everyday task of caring for my growing family.
SOOOO....here is a mini-update for my non-facebook readers as well as a few of my ramblings to follow.
Update #1
Alexandra is now talking in full sentences. I know, a bit delayed, but still a victory nevertheless. Her favorite one right now is "I did it!" She is also potty training, a task that is proving to be herculean, but that she eems to be making progress in. She LOVES Sophia the First. It is usually her choice of television shows for TV time. We **try** to limit television time to one hour a day, but some days it is just a task not worth fighting over, so she ends up getting more. (Admittedly, today she was feeling under the weather with what appears to be the cold everyone else has had, so I let it slide. Tomorrow we will do better.) We balance life out with lots of play time and she has recently discovered finger painting. She also enjoys her bath time and looks forward to it to finger "paint" the tub walls.
Update #2
Nathaniel is CRAWLING! **Insert nostalgic glance at baby** Oh how this tired mama longs for the days when he was just content to cuddle all day. Don't get me wrong, its fun having a curious baby who is eager to explore his world, but it sure makes things a bit more challenging. He is also jabbering up a storm. He loves books, just like his sister, and he LOVES food! Bath time is becoming more of a challenge too, as he has figured out how to pull up on furniture and the bath tub is the perfect height for little hands to grasp.
Update #3
David and I are doing well and seem to be adjusting to a new routine with his work schedule. It's tough, but manageable. It makes bedtime routines sometimes a challenge, as we have started working on getting Nathaniel to sleep by about 7pm, but it is doable on my own. Alexandra is going through a phase right now where she doesn't want to sleep without mommy snuggles before bed, so I will admit putting the baby to bed can be tough when it is just me.
Update #4
My job is starting to pick up again somewhat. :-) I am learning whole new side to birth and LOVING it! I mean really, who gets this excited about a job, unless they love it. No joke, my favorite part of the day is studying the placenta. LOL! Most people are grossed about by this thought, but I find that organ fascinating. It's great fun to me. I am also going to be starting my journey this summer into birth assisting. I'm not sure quite yet how that is going to fit in with my family, but I am excited to see. I know it is going to be a blessing for us both financially, but also as it will press me further in the direction I want to go as a midwife. Without a doubt I can say it is my dream, and while it is a long way off, it is attainable with some hard work, LOTS of births and a great preceptor. I'm a little intimidated by how long it may take, but I'm up for the challenge. Truth be told, I've NEVER been this passionate about ANYTHING in my entire life. Just finding the funds to achieve it all will be difficult, as student loans do not pay for the majority of it. At some point in the very near future I will be making a major "wish list" of midwifery related books and tools I will be needing at some point. We plan to prioritize and purchase as we can.
Now that I've got the obligatory update out of the way, I will share some more about what I have been mulling over in my head this evening.
I recently read a blog post by one of my fellow mamas that really smacked me in the face. She spoke about our personalities and how God created her just the way she is. It really hit home for me on a lot of levels.
Recently I have been struggling some as a mom. My own fear of failure sometimes creeps into my relationship with my kids. Frankly it has been tougher than I thought adjusting to having two children. The first initial weeks were easy, but as time has gone on I had a harder time adjusting than I thought I would.
So how does this relate to the blog post you ask? It occurred to me that, as I was reading this post, I realized my struggles with my kids came down to personalities. See, here it the thing, when I feel overly criticized, I shut down. Parents can't escape the critics, doesn't matter where you go, everyone has an opinion about how you should raise your children. So, as is my nature, I have been shutting down some to criticism.
Well, I have one child that is very much like me, and one child that seems to be very much like her father, with a few things smattered in there that belong to me. Everyone has a comment to make about one child or the other and I find that incredibly unfair to them and to me. Let me just start off by saying, I do the best I can. Yes, I fall short in A LOT of areas, but I honestly do my best. Some days are just better than others.
Recently I noticed I was becoming distant from my daughter and couldn't figure out why I felt like there was a void there. I just couldn't put my finger on it until my husband pointed out that she is at an age where she likes to DO things with me. So I have started to make an effort to put down the phone, the computer, the TV, or whatever and spend quality time with her. It's hard. I'll admit it. Technology is a HUGE part of my job, especially social media, and becoming unplugged is a challenge that is often difficult to overcome.
So as I unplug for those times I am playing with her I have noticed something. Her personality is growing and changing before my eyes. I am seeing unfold before me a beautiful soul I never realized existed. She is so LOVING. She is so compassionate and she is incredibly sensitive. I found myself reading that blog post tonight and silently crying knowing I had missed on too much of my toddler's life. I'm too busy doing and accomplishing that I had forgotten to soak in this beautiful life I had a part in creating. And I found myself suddenly sad for the parts I have missed over the last six or so months. I have been so busy creating this image of a "put together" mom that I forgot to love on my daughter.
So I challenge you all to unplug. Even if for just five minutes. Observe. Observe the lives before you, especially if you have children and soak in the little moments. It goes by far to quickly and you are likely to miss something important, especially something you may find insightful about their personalities. Instead, put it to the side and wait until the children are in bed, when you spouse is in bed or when all is quite to be with technology. It can wait. I can wait. And trust me I am going to TRY my hardest to do better and make things wait until my kids are asleep, my daughter doesn't need me or my son doesn't need me so that I can be the best mama to my two beautiful children. Who knows what you might learn, but I can guarantee you won't have a regret about it.
SOOOO....here is a mini-update for my non-facebook readers as well as a few of my ramblings to follow.
Update #1
Alexandra is now talking in full sentences. I know, a bit delayed, but still a victory nevertheless. Her favorite one right now is "I did it!" She is also potty training, a task that is proving to be herculean, but that she eems to be making progress in. She LOVES Sophia the First. It is usually her choice of television shows for TV time. We **try** to limit television time to one hour a day, but some days it is just a task not worth fighting over, so she ends up getting more. (Admittedly, today she was feeling under the weather with what appears to be the cold everyone else has had, so I let it slide. Tomorrow we will do better.) We balance life out with lots of play time and she has recently discovered finger painting. She also enjoys her bath time and looks forward to it to finger "paint" the tub walls.
Update #2
Nathaniel is CRAWLING! **Insert nostalgic glance at baby** Oh how this tired mama longs for the days when he was just content to cuddle all day. Don't get me wrong, its fun having a curious baby who is eager to explore his world, but it sure makes things a bit more challenging. He is also jabbering up a storm. He loves books, just like his sister, and he LOVES food! Bath time is becoming more of a challenge too, as he has figured out how to pull up on furniture and the bath tub is the perfect height for little hands to grasp.
Update #3
David and I are doing well and seem to be adjusting to a new routine with his work schedule. It's tough, but manageable. It makes bedtime routines sometimes a challenge, as we have started working on getting Nathaniel to sleep by about 7pm, but it is doable on my own. Alexandra is going through a phase right now where she doesn't want to sleep without mommy snuggles before bed, so I will admit putting the baby to bed can be tough when it is just me.
Update #4
My job is starting to pick up again somewhat. :-) I am learning whole new side to birth and LOVING it! I mean really, who gets this excited about a job, unless they love it. No joke, my favorite part of the day is studying the placenta. LOL! Most people are grossed about by this thought, but I find that organ fascinating. It's great fun to me. I am also going to be starting my journey this summer into birth assisting. I'm not sure quite yet how that is going to fit in with my family, but I am excited to see. I know it is going to be a blessing for us both financially, but also as it will press me further in the direction I want to go as a midwife. Without a doubt I can say it is my dream, and while it is a long way off, it is attainable with some hard work, LOTS of births and a great preceptor. I'm a little intimidated by how long it may take, but I'm up for the challenge. Truth be told, I've NEVER been this passionate about ANYTHING in my entire life. Just finding the funds to achieve it all will be difficult, as student loans do not pay for the majority of it. At some point in the very near future I will be making a major "wish list" of midwifery related books and tools I will be needing at some point. We plan to prioritize and purchase as we can.
Now that I've got the obligatory update out of the way, I will share some more about what I have been mulling over in my head this evening.
I recently read a blog post by one of my fellow mamas that really smacked me in the face. She spoke about our personalities and how God created her just the way she is. It really hit home for me on a lot of levels.
Recently I have been struggling some as a mom. My own fear of failure sometimes creeps into my relationship with my kids. Frankly it has been tougher than I thought adjusting to having two children. The first initial weeks were easy, but as time has gone on I had a harder time adjusting than I thought I would.
So how does this relate to the blog post you ask? It occurred to me that, as I was reading this post, I realized my struggles with my kids came down to personalities. See, here it the thing, when I feel overly criticized, I shut down. Parents can't escape the critics, doesn't matter where you go, everyone has an opinion about how you should raise your children. So, as is my nature, I have been shutting down some to criticism.
Well, I have one child that is very much like me, and one child that seems to be very much like her father, with a few things smattered in there that belong to me. Everyone has a comment to make about one child or the other and I find that incredibly unfair to them and to me. Let me just start off by saying, I do the best I can. Yes, I fall short in A LOT of areas, but I honestly do my best. Some days are just better than others.
Recently I noticed I was becoming distant from my daughter and couldn't figure out why I felt like there was a void there. I just couldn't put my finger on it until my husband pointed out that she is at an age where she likes to DO things with me. So I have started to make an effort to put down the phone, the computer, the TV, or whatever and spend quality time with her. It's hard. I'll admit it. Technology is a HUGE part of my job, especially social media, and becoming unplugged is a challenge that is often difficult to overcome.
So as I unplug for those times I am playing with her I have noticed something. Her personality is growing and changing before my eyes. I am seeing unfold before me a beautiful soul I never realized existed. She is so LOVING. She is so compassionate and she is incredibly sensitive. I found myself reading that blog post tonight and silently crying knowing I had missed on too much of my toddler's life. I'm too busy doing and accomplishing that I had forgotten to soak in this beautiful life I had a part in creating. And I found myself suddenly sad for the parts I have missed over the last six or so months. I have been so busy creating this image of a "put together" mom that I forgot to love on my daughter.
So I challenge you all to unplug. Even if for just five minutes. Observe. Observe the lives before you, especially if you have children and soak in the little moments. It goes by far to quickly and you are likely to miss something important, especially something you may find insightful about their personalities. Instead, put it to the side and wait until the children are in bed, when you spouse is in bed or when all is quite to be with technology. It can wait. I can wait. And trust me I am going to TRY my hardest to do better and make things wait until my kids are asleep, my daughter doesn't need me or my son doesn't need me so that I can be the best mama to my two beautiful children. Who knows what you might learn, but I can guarantee you won't have a regret about it.
Friday, September 6, 2013
Parenting
I'll admit it, I am less than "conventional" in my parenting choices. This much is evident just by looking at my photos on Facebook or having a five minute conversation with me. We co-sleep so I can get the maximum amount of sleep that feeding a newborn/infant demands, I babywear, I believe in natural child birth, my son is uncircumcised, I believe in using natural medicine the majority of the time (but acknowledge that Western Medicine DOES have it's place), and I believe in gentle disciple. While home this weekend visiting family I was given many "are you crazy?!" looks when some of these facts came to light. It's true, in some people's eyes I am a bit crazy, but it is okay.
Here is the thing. I don't feel that as a mom I should have to constantly defend my choices to parent the way I feel is most effective. I don't question you when you make a choice that I am not on board with. I do what is best for my family in my personal opinion. Sometimes those choices are not even the same amongst myself and my spouse, but we do the best that we can because that's what we know we should do. We aren't perfect, but we love our two children.
I don't usually broadcast to the world about my feelings concerning circumcision, so I had one person that was highly surprised to find out that we did not have Nathaniel circumcised. The biggest reason for me was that I did not want to put my child under the knife for a cosmetic surgery when it was not needed. If he chooses to have it done later in life, it was his choice and I will support that. Truthfully, having my daughter's ears pierced without her having a say about it was one of my biggest parenting regrets. I believe that circumcision is a HIGHLY personal choice, just as personal as who you vote for or your religious faith and not one that should EVER be questioned. You don't know my reasons and I don't feel I have to explain them to you.
Yet another example is my choice to breastfeed. Please people, if a mom is breastfeeding, PLEASE, PLEASE ,PLEASE, PLEASE, do not suggest to her that "maybe they are still hungry" or "maybe a little formula wouldn't hurt them." There are some people that are so "old school" on this thought that they have a closed mind and are not willing to be educated on breastfeeding a baby. Yes, I know my babies eat frequently and sometimes for super long periods of time, but that is NORMAL for them. I don't mind (most days) and know that this is but a short season in their lives, before long he will be too busy and too independent for me to enjoy this special time. All this does is to accomplish is discourage a breastfeeding mom and make her feel as though she is inadequate.
And finally, please be respectful of our choices. No matter if you are a friend or family, if a mom or dad says something concerning their child, respect their wishes. If a mom says "I do not want my child to have too much television time." then the logical thing would be to honor her wish and limit television time. If a dad says "We don't let them have sweets." honor that wish, regardless of how you feel about the parents choices, if they are not directly harming their children, who cares what they choose? Shut your mouth, sit down and honor their requests, it isn't your place to interject your thoughts or feelings unless they ASK you.
Yes I know in recent years I have become more outspoken about my feelings, but the fact of the matter is when it comes to my children I really don't give a darn what you think, they are my children and I will parent them how I feel is best. I know that this whole post is a bit of a rant, but there so many more things I could cover that I didn't even get into.
Here is the thing. I don't feel that as a mom I should have to constantly defend my choices to parent the way I feel is most effective. I don't question you when you make a choice that I am not on board with. I do what is best for my family in my personal opinion. Sometimes those choices are not even the same amongst myself and my spouse, but we do the best that we can because that's what we know we should do. We aren't perfect, but we love our two children.
I don't usually broadcast to the world about my feelings concerning circumcision, so I had one person that was highly surprised to find out that we did not have Nathaniel circumcised. The biggest reason for me was that I did not want to put my child under the knife for a cosmetic surgery when it was not needed. If he chooses to have it done later in life, it was his choice and I will support that. Truthfully, having my daughter's ears pierced without her having a say about it was one of my biggest parenting regrets. I believe that circumcision is a HIGHLY personal choice, just as personal as who you vote for or your religious faith and not one that should EVER be questioned. You don't know my reasons and I don't feel I have to explain them to you.
Yet another example is my choice to breastfeed. Please people, if a mom is breastfeeding, PLEASE, PLEASE ,PLEASE, PLEASE, do not suggest to her that "maybe they are still hungry" or "maybe a little formula wouldn't hurt them." There are some people that are so "old school" on this thought that they have a closed mind and are not willing to be educated on breastfeeding a baby. Yes, I know my babies eat frequently and sometimes for super long periods of time, but that is NORMAL for them. I don't mind (most days) and know that this is but a short season in their lives, before long he will be too busy and too independent for me to enjoy this special time. All this does is to accomplish is discourage a breastfeeding mom and make her feel as though she is inadequate.
And finally, please be respectful of our choices. No matter if you are a friend or family, if a mom or dad says something concerning their child, respect their wishes. If a mom says "I do not want my child to have too much television time." then the logical thing would be to honor her wish and limit television time. If a dad says "We don't let them have sweets." honor that wish, regardless of how you feel about the parents choices, if they are not directly harming their children, who cares what they choose? Shut your mouth, sit down and honor their requests, it isn't your place to interject your thoughts or feelings unless they ASK you.
Yes I know in recent years I have become more outspoken about my feelings, but the fact of the matter is when it comes to my children I really don't give a darn what you think, they are my children and I will parent them how I feel is best. I know that this whole post is a bit of a rant, but there so many more things I could cover that I didn't even get into.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
VMA Debacle
Well, as you can guess my title, I am writing about the VMA's. Without hesitation I will proudly admit that I did not watch it. In recent years I have decided to consciously quite watching much MTV, though admittedly I DO still watch re-runs of Teen Mom and 16 and Pregnant when my kid's aren't around, I have made a conscious effort in recent history to try and set an example of positive television for my children.
Okay, now that I have admitted that I did not watch them, I will write what I have to. I am a mom, and as such I look at the world through a whole new set of eyes. I see things in both positive and negative lights. I read enough on the VMA debacle to feel confident is saying that it was just exactly that, a debacle of the greatest proportions.
First let's address the Miley situation. I'm sorry, this was not appropriate in the least bit. I do NOT want my daughter watching her and thinking it is okay to behave in such an awful manner. Sexuality is fine. I have no problem with it. In fact, I feel it is healthy... in the right context. For me, that is in a loving committed relationship (yes, I'm talking marriage here) and in the privacy of your own home. There is no way I would be caught dead prancing around groping a man's crotch (who is MARRIED and a FATHER!) or behaving so lewdly! And heaven help either of my children if they were caught behaving this way. No joke, they would not see the light of day for a month. Yeah, I'm that mom.
When did it become okay for a woman to behave this way. Look, I'm all for women's rights. I fancy myself somewhat of a feminist, but being a feminist does not equate to being a slut. Being a feminist equates to respect for yourself, loving your body no matter what it looks like and loving other women just the way they are. It also means giving women a voice. I'm not talking about a voice that gives them an excuse to behave in such a manner as to disrespect themselves, but a voice to speak up for what is right. And what is right here is for her to have enough self respect to say "I'm beautiful, just the way I am. I don't need a man's attention to prove that and I don't need the world's attention to prove that."
We have fallen so far away from what it means to have self respect that girls are now finding it attractive to thrust themselves upon men like they are some consolation prize. Girls, I have news for you. You deserve so much more respect than this! You are not a conquest. You deserve to find a man that treats you as a special gift, perfect and beautiful just the way you are. You deserve to find a man who will work with you, being your partner and helpmate, building you up along the way. You do not deserve to feel that being immodest is going to get you the attention you so desire. In fact all it does is end up in a broken heart and a lonely home. Having the courage to stand up in the face of what the world tells us is sexy is what it means to have self respect. Having faith that you are beautiful just the way you are is enough and the sexiest thing in the world.
Now that I have said all of that on the girls, let me address the boys. Robin Thick, you are disgusting. Taking advantage of a young girl in a vulnerable state is no way to be a man! You are a father for goodness sake, stand up and act like one! Would you want your children to behave in this manor. I certainly hope not, because if you think it is okay for a man to treat a young lady in such a manner you, my sir, need to have your head examined. Yeah, I know I just said it bluntly and (to some) hatefully but let me tell you folks, if a scum bag like this were to come around my daughter there would be hell to pay. Then again, I hope I am raising my child to know she is beautiful no matter what and that this attention is not what she should be getting.
On that note, if I EVER caught my son behaving this way I would definitely be kicking his butt from here to kingdom come. Again, this is about self respect. My son better not think it is okay to be giving ladies this kind of attention. You bet your bottom dollar if he did, I did not do my job as a parent correctly. There is no reason at all for a man to behave in such a manner as to give positive reinforcement to this kind of behavior.
While I'm at it, here is another fact that ticks me off. Where in his right mind did he think it is okay to start talking/singing about blurred lines? Hello!! No woman (okay so maybe there are a few out there, but see above rant) wants to feel so objectified! Why would you think it is fun to sing about sex in such a manner? How disrespectful can you be?
What happened to honoring and cherishing your wedding vows? For someone who is married, don't you think it wise to take some stock in those vows you quoted before your partner? I'm sorry, but if my spouse were to sing a song about that, I may have to stop and take stock in his faithfulness to me. Luckily I don't have to worry about that though, since my in-laws raised their boys to be respectful of women. By the way, where is this man's self respect?
Why on earth is he encouraging this young girl to behave in such a manor. I have to wonder how a father could look at this once clean cut young lady and encourage such a behavior. I would certainly hope that a decent father would be ashamed of her behavior, especially when so many young girls STILL look up to her.
With all of this being said, I want you all to know I have nothing against feeling sexy. In fact I am all for it, but there is a line that needs to be drawn and it has been crossed over on many regards. You can still be sexy while leaving yourself covered. In fact, often times men find the mystery more sexy than the "nothing left to the imagination" look.
Okay, now that I have admitted that I did not watch them, I will write what I have to. I am a mom, and as such I look at the world through a whole new set of eyes. I see things in both positive and negative lights. I read enough on the VMA debacle to feel confident is saying that it was just exactly that, a debacle of the greatest proportions.
First let's address the Miley situation. I'm sorry, this was not appropriate in the least bit. I do NOT want my daughter watching her and thinking it is okay to behave in such an awful manner. Sexuality is fine. I have no problem with it. In fact, I feel it is healthy... in the right context. For me, that is in a loving committed relationship (yes, I'm talking marriage here) and in the privacy of your own home. There is no way I would be caught dead prancing around groping a man's crotch (who is MARRIED and a FATHER!) or behaving so lewdly! And heaven help either of my children if they were caught behaving this way. No joke, they would not see the light of day for a month. Yeah, I'm that mom.
When did it become okay for a woman to behave this way. Look, I'm all for women's rights. I fancy myself somewhat of a feminist, but being a feminist does not equate to being a slut. Being a feminist equates to respect for yourself, loving your body no matter what it looks like and loving other women just the way they are. It also means giving women a voice. I'm not talking about a voice that gives them an excuse to behave in such a manner as to disrespect themselves, but a voice to speak up for what is right. And what is right here is for her to have enough self respect to say "I'm beautiful, just the way I am. I don't need a man's attention to prove that and I don't need the world's attention to prove that."
We have fallen so far away from what it means to have self respect that girls are now finding it attractive to thrust themselves upon men like they are some consolation prize. Girls, I have news for you. You deserve so much more respect than this! You are not a conquest. You deserve to find a man that treats you as a special gift, perfect and beautiful just the way you are. You deserve to find a man who will work with you, being your partner and helpmate, building you up along the way. You do not deserve to feel that being immodest is going to get you the attention you so desire. In fact all it does is end up in a broken heart and a lonely home. Having the courage to stand up in the face of what the world tells us is sexy is what it means to have self respect. Having faith that you are beautiful just the way you are is enough and the sexiest thing in the world.
Now that I have said all of that on the girls, let me address the boys. Robin Thick, you are disgusting. Taking advantage of a young girl in a vulnerable state is no way to be a man! You are a father for goodness sake, stand up and act like one! Would you want your children to behave in this manor. I certainly hope not, because if you think it is okay for a man to treat a young lady in such a manner you, my sir, need to have your head examined. Yeah, I know I just said it bluntly and (to some) hatefully but let me tell you folks, if a scum bag like this were to come around my daughter there would be hell to pay. Then again, I hope I am raising my child to know she is beautiful no matter what and that this attention is not what she should be getting.
On that note, if I EVER caught my son behaving this way I would definitely be kicking his butt from here to kingdom come. Again, this is about self respect. My son better not think it is okay to be giving ladies this kind of attention. You bet your bottom dollar if he did, I did not do my job as a parent correctly. There is no reason at all for a man to behave in such a manner as to give positive reinforcement to this kind of behavior.
While I'm at it, here is another fact that ticks me off. Where in his right mind did he think it is okay to start talking/singing about blurred lines? Hello!! No woman (okay so maybe there are a few out there, but see above rant) wants to feel so objectified! Why would you think it is fun to sing about sex in such a manner? How disrespectful can you be?
What happened to honoring and cherishing your wedding vows? For someone who is married, don't you think it wise to take some stock in those vows you quoted before your partner? I'm sorry, but if my spouse were to sing a song about that, I may have to stop and take stock in his faithfulness to me. Luckily I don't have to worry about that though, since my in-laws raised their boys to be respectful of women. By the way, where is this man's self respect?
Why on earth is he encouraging this young girl to behave in such a manor. I have to wonder how a father could look at this once clean cut young lady and encourage such a behavior. I would certainly hope that a decent father would be ashamed of her behavior, especially when so many young girls STILL look up to her.
With all of this being said, I want you all to know I have nothing against feeling sexy. In fact I am all for it, but there is a line that needs to be drawn and it has been crossed over on many regards. You can still be sexy while leaving yourself covered. In fact, often times men find the mystery more sexy than the "nothing left to the imagination" look.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
The birth of Nathaniel Josiah
WOW! Where on earth do I begin?! Our little guy is FINALLY here after what felt like the LONGEST week of my life! On May 22, 2013 at 5:19pm Nathaniel Josiah made his way into this big world quickly, wonderfully, and beautifully in the water at our midwife's cottage. I can not even put into words the beauty and challenge of the whole experience, but I will try. :-)
On May 17 sometime in the wee hours of the morning I started having contractions. I noticed it felt differently than the contractions I had been having for weeks and decided I would time them to see what they were doing. To my disappointment they were only about 15 minutes apart and still mild so I went back to bed. At about 2:30am (not quite an hour from when I finished timing contractions) I was woken up by one that was particularly strong. I turned to David and asked him what I should do. He suggested I time them again and move around for a bit to see if things changed at all. After pacing the hall for a while and having to focus through some of the contractions he and I decided to try and rest a while longer. I couldn't get comfortable though, no matter what way I tried to lay it seemed to be uncomfortable, but I decided to let David rest since I figured we would likely be in for a long day. By about 4:00am I woke David up, hearing me focusing through contractions he came to rub my back. I just KNEW at that point that something was happening! We decided to call my mom and dad to come and get Alexandra, as we were SURE that if today wasn't the day, tomorrow surely would be.
Mom and Dad came and got Alexandra while David ran his mom over to work. My contractions were still fairly mild, but were picking up in intensity. David made it back to the house in time to tell Alexandra goodbye and to load our car up. We were so excited to be starting our journey but had little idea exactly HOW long it would take to get to the final result. We decided at that point to text our midwife and let her know that things seemed to be getting into motion and that we would be in contact with her throughout the day as things progressed. We went to the gym where I could swim in the pool for a while to help things move along. Being in the water had been a true blessing my entire pregnancy and this was no exception. During that period of being in the water my contractions picked up in frequency, but not in intensity. I was thankful for this since I was ready for them to be every four minutes apart.
After the pool our midwife suggested that I get some rest for a while, since they didn't want me to be exhausted once "active" labor started. I was considered in labor by this point any how, since my contractions did have a regular pattern to them but we knew that more intense work was to come. I rested for a while and we decided to go to the mall for a while where I could walk around indoors (it had been raining off and on all day long). While there I lost my plug and started spotting some. I knew at this point there was no turning back, this baby's arrival would be soon, yet still I had no idea how much longer I would have to wait. We continued to labor through the night, David by my side supporting me when I needed it and being attentive to my needs, all the while juggling the phone calls, texts and Facebook messages I had been receiving. People started to assume something was up, as I am typically appear online most of the time, but my computer was down for this period of time so that I would not be distracted away from what I needed to focus on.
The next morning came with the same pattern and no baby. By this point I was getting frustrated that there seemed to be nothing happening. One of the midwives checked me to see how I was progressing and things were indeed moving in the right direction, although very slowly. We laughed and joked some about how most women only dream of having a labor this "easy" and David and I kept things light hearted during the day. Honestly, being checked for progress was the only thing that kept me sane during our long wait. I continued to labor on and on and on until Monday when we made the choice to go home and get some rest in our own beds, with the hopes that MAYBE I would be able to settle enough to relax and things would progress more quickly. I had one more check before baby came and I was very close to active labor. Our midwife was so encouraging and helped to convince me that my body was doing what it needed to do to have our baby naturally. Labor that is like this is called Prodromal (not sure if I spelled that correctly) and is quite normal.
On Tuesday we decided to do a few things to get labor headed more quickly in the direction of active labor. They didn't work that day, but on Wednesday it seemed to be the day. At about 8:30am I woke up for the day, showered, got dressed and went about pumping to try and stimulate harder contractions. Within a few hours it worked! David diligently sat and timed contractions. When one was 2.5 minutes long he texted the midwife from my phone saying "Two and a half minute long contraction. This is David." This text when I later read it struck me as hilarious, though honestly I am not sure why. While in the car on the way to the midwife's my contractions were every three to four minutes apart and were quite painful. I remember thinking to myself "Holy Crap! I'm going to have a baby today!!!" David said during this time I remained extremely calm, only saying occasionally "Ouch! This hurts!"
We got to the cottage and my contractions were not getting any easier to get through. David was offering me drinks, holding my hand when I needed him and generally just taking care of me when I needed him. I was content to labor on my own for a while and he would read unless I asked him to do something. At that point he would immediately put his book down and do whatever I needed of him. I am so proud of him! The birth team sat up the birthing pool for me and as soon as it was ready I slipped into the water. Almost instantly I found myself relaxing into the contractions and handling things much more easily than before. Truly the water was a God-sent for me! At some point I started to get hot and wanted out of the water for a time.
One of the midwives suggested I try a new position to help move things along and I remember being very angry with her over this. I know I said a few curse words during this time (oops! Sorry Kim!!) and even told her that I hated her. (Again sorry Kim!!) Disclaimer** I don't hate her, in fact I love all of the ladies there were there, sometimes your mouth just gets away from you when you're in labor!** All I wanted to do was lay down because it hurt so badly. I labored in the shower for a few minutes, squatting into each contraction but resisting it because it hurt. David kept telling me I couldn't lean or sit and at one point I snapped at him and said "I know David, but it hurts!" I then sat on the birth stool for a while. I leaned into David between contractions and would do my best to be forward keeping things pushing against my cervix during a contraction. At some point I got to lay down again so that they could check baby and I was given some herbs (I know arnica was one of them and something that started with a "G") to help with swelling. I had developed a cervical lip and I will be honest, that was the most challenging part of my labor.
At some point I begged to get back into the water because I was so cold. Time frame really does become relative when you are in labor. I can remember specific events, but for the life of me I did not pay attention to the clock. I know at some point David told me it was three o'clock and me telling him that I didn't care what time it was. (Sorry honey!) During my time in the water I was given Black and Blue Cohosh tincture to help strengthen my contractions. I was feeling the need to push, but because of that cervical lip I needed to work through it some more. Its true what women say about the need to push! You feel like you have to take the world's biggest poop and can't stop yourself from doing it!
Kim checked me again and this was the point where we found I needed a little help with the cervical lip. With the encouragement of David, Doran, Misty, Tiffany and Kimberly I began pushing. Tiffany and Doran helped me to hold my legs back while Kimberly helped me to push past my cervical lip. I'm not going to mince words about this, it HURT! I was able to get it mostly pushed over his head and Misty helped me the rest of the way. It was probably more painful that transition contractions, BUT lasted a whole lot shorter of a time. I remember saying "Ow! Ow! Ow! That HURTS!!" but the relief was almost instantaneous once I pushed past it.
Everyone kept encouraging me and David stayed by my head holding my hand until Doran asked him if he wanted to see his son crowning. I remember looking up between pushes to see him looking at me, camera in hand and the look of awe on his face was unforgettable. I still get misty eyed thinking about it. I, being curious, reached between my legs to feel what was going on and I could feel his head. What an incredible feeling!!! At that point I mustered everything I had in me and gave a few more pushes and he was out. He crowned so quickly he shot out of me and landed on the bottom of the pool! My original hope was to catch him as he was coming out, but since he came so quickly that just didn't happen. David witnessed it all unfold before him. He was never planning on watching the actual birth part (he was afraid he would pass out or get queasy) but somehow it happened so quickly he did.
The feeling of victory I had when I pushed him out was incredible. I have never had so much pride in something in my entire life. I remember saying "I did it! I really did it!!" and making comments about those who doubted that I could. While Alexandra's birth story is totally different from her brother's it also helped to shape Nathaniel's story and because of that I am proud of her birth too. That isn't something I could have said even a year ago.
Nathaniel did have to have a little suctioning after birth since my bag of waters broke sometime during the pushing stage and there was meconium in the water. We aren't exactly sure WHEN it happened, just that it did. He was fine though and pinked up really quickly after birth. My placenta came quickly too, so I am also thankful about that! I did have a tear (one that did not require stitches) but my recovery has been very easy so far compared to Alexandra's birth. (I will take a tear over a surgical cut any day!!) His newborn exam said everything was normal and Nathaniel is a healthy baby boy. He weighed 7pounds 10 ounces, and was 22.5 inches long.
For those of you wondering how life has been so far with two under two, I have to say it hasn't been as difficult as I had anticipated it would be, granted I'm only a week in at this point. Alexandra is my little helper and LOVES her baby brother! She is always touching him, checking on him and says "me baby" when you ask her who he is. She seems to be doing fairly well with sharing mommy, although we have had a few jealous moments. Daddy and I try to sneak in as much one on one time with her as we can so that she doesn't feel left out, especially after we have had a particularly difficult moment or two with her. We want her to make sure she knows she is still loved by both of us. I find it funny how in spite of all of my worries that Alex would feel loved, she has handled things like a seasoned pro. Both of my babies are such blessings and I look forward to watching them grow up together and seeing the differences in their personalities as time marches on. Alexandra is such a unique person and I pray and look forward to seeing the unique person Nathaniel will be.
On May 17 sometime in the wee hours of the morning I started having contractions. I noticed it felt differently than the contractions I had been having for weeks and decided I would time them to see what they were doing. To my disappointment they were only about 15 minutes apart and still mild so I went back to bed. At about 2:30am (not quite an hour from when I finished timing contractions) I was woken up by one that was particularly strong. I turned to David and asked him what I should do. He suggested I time them again and move around for a bit to see if things changed at all. After pacing the hall for a while and having to focus through some of the contractions he and I decided to try and rest a while longer. I couldn't get comfortable though, no matter what way I tried to lay it seemed to be uncomfortable, but I decided to let David rest since I figured we would likely be in for a long day. By about 4:00am I woke David up, hearing me focusing through contractions he came to rub my back. I just KNEW at that point that something was happening! We decided to call my mom and dad to come and get Alexandra, as we were SURE that if today wasn't the day, tomorrow surely would be.
Mom and Dad came and got Alexandra while David ran his mom over to work. My contractions were still fairly mild, but were picking up in intensity. David made it back to the house in time to tell Alexandra goodbye and to load our car up. We were so excited to be starting our journey but had little idea exactly HOW long it would take to get to the final result. We decided at that point to text our midwife and let her know that things seemed to be getting into motion and that we would be in contact with her throughout the day as things progressed. We went to the gym where I could swim in the pool for a while to help things move along. Being in the water had been a true blessing my entire pregnancy and this was no exception. During that period of being in the water my contractions picked up in frequency, but not in intensity. I was thankful for this since I was ready for them to be every four minutes apart.
After the pool our midwife suggested that I get some rest for a while, since they didn't want me to be exhausted once "active" labor started. I was considered in labor by this point any how, since my contractions did have a regular pattern to them but we knew that more intense work was to come. I rested for a while and we decided to go to the mall for a while where I could walk around indoors (it had been raining off and on all day long). While there I lost my plug and started spotting some. I knew at this point there was no turning back, this baby's arrival would be soon, yet still I had no idea how much longer I would have to wait. We continued to labor through the night, David by my side supporting me when I needed it and being attentive to my needs, all the while juggling the phone calls, texts and Facebook messages I had been receiving. People started to assume something was up, as I am typically appear online most of the time, but my computer was down for this period of time so that I would not be distracted away from what I needed to focus on.
The next morning came with the same pattern and no baby. By this point I was getting frustrated that there seemed to be nothing happening. One of the midwives checked me to see how I was progressing and things were indeed moving in the right direction, although very slowly. We laughed and joked some about how most women only dream of having a labor this "easy" and David and I kept things light hearted during the day. Honestly, being checked for progress was the only thing that kept me sane during our long wait. I continued to labor on and on and on until Monday when we made the choice to go home and get some rest in our own beds, with the hopes that MAYBE I would be able to settle enough to relax and things would progress more quickly. I had one more check before baby came and I was very close to active labor. Our midwife was so encouraging and helped to convince me that my body was doing what it needed to do to have our baby naturally. Labor that is like this is called Prodromal (not sure if I spelled that correctly) and is quite normal.
On Tuesday we decided to do a few things to get labor headed more quickly in the direction of active labor. They didn't work that day, but on Wednesday it seemed to be the day. At about 8:30am I woke up for the day, showered, got dressed and went about pumping to try and stimulate harder contractions. Within a few hours it worked! David diligently sat and timed contractions. When one was 2.5 minutes long he texted the midwife from my phone saying "Two and a half minute long contraction. This is David." This text when I later read it struck me as hilarious, though honestly I am not sure why. While in the car on the way to the midwife's my contractions were every three to four minutes apart and were quite painful. I remember thinking to myself "Holy Crap! I'm going to have a baby today!!!" David said during this time I remained extremely calm, only saying occasionally "Ouch! This hurts!"
We got to the cottage and my contractions were not getting any easier to get through. David was offering me drinks, holding my hand when I needed him and generally just taking care of me when I needed him. I was content to labor on my own for a while and he would read unless I asked him to do something. At that point he would immediately put his book down and do whatever I needed of him. I am so proud of him! The birth team sat up the birthing pool for me and as soon as it was ready I slipped into the water. Almost instantly I found myself relaxing into the contractions and handling things much more easily than before. Truly the water was a God-sent for me! At some point I started to get hot and wanted out of the water for a time.
One of the midwives suggested I try a new position to help move things along and I remember being very angry with her over this. I know I said a few curse words during this time (oops! Sorry Kim!!) and even told her that I hated her. (Again sorry Kim!!) Disclaimer** I don't hate her, in fact I love all of the ladies there were there, sometimes your mouth just gets away from you when you're in labor!** All I wanted to do was lay down because it hurt so badly. I labored in the shower for a few minutes, squatting into each contraction but resisting it because it hurt. David kept telling me I couldn't lean or sit and at one point I snapped at him and said "I know David, but it hurts!" I then sat on the birth stool for a while. I leaned into David between contractions and would do my best to be forward keeping things pushing against my cervix during a contraction. At some point I got to lay down again so that they could check baby and I was given some herbs (I know arnica was one of them and something that started with a "G") to help with swelling. I had developed a cervical lip and I will be honest, that was the most challenging part of my labor.
At some point I begged to get back into the water because I was so cold. Time frame really does become relative when you are in labor. I can remember specific events, but for the life of me I did not pay attention to the clock. I know at some point David told me it was three o'clock and me telling him that I didn't care what time it was. (Sorry honey!) During my time in the water I was given Black and Blue Cohosh tincture to help strengthen my contractions. I was feeling the need to push, but because of that cervical lip I needed to work through it some more. Its true what women say about the need to push! You feel like you have to take the world's biggest poop and can't stop yourself from doing it!
Kim checked me again and this was the point where we found I needed a little help with the cervical lip. With the encouragement of David, Doran, Misty, Tiffany and Kimberly I began pushing. Tiffany and Doran helped me to hold my legs back while Kimberly helped me to push past my cervical lip. I'm not going to mince words about this, it HURT! I was able to get it mostly pushed over his head and Misty helped me the rest of the way. It was probably more painful that transition contractions, BUT lasted a whole lot shorter of a time. I remember saying "Ow! Ow! Ow! That HURTS!!" but the relief was almost instantaneous once I pushed past it.
Everyone kept encouraging me and David stayed by my head holding my hand until Doran asked him if he wanted to see his son crowning. I remember looking up between pushes to see him looking at me, camera in hand and the look of awe on his face was unforgettable. I still get misty eyed thinking about it. I, being curious, reached between my legs to feel what was going on and I could feel his head. What an incredible feeling!!! At that point I mustered everything I had in me and gave a few more pushes and he was out. He crowned so quickly he shot out of me and landed on the bottom of the pool! My original hope was to catch him as he was coming out, but since he came so quickly that just didn't happen. David witnessed it all unfold before him. He was never planning on watching the actual birth part (he was afraid he would pass out or get queasy) but somehow it happened so quickly he did.
The feeling of victory I had when I pushed him out was incredible. I have never had so much pride in something in my entire life. I remember saying "I did it! I really did it!!" and making comments about those who doubted that I could. While Alexandra's birth story is totally different from her brother's it also helped to shape Nathaniel's story and because of that I am proud of her birth too. That isn't something I could have said even a year ago.
Nathaniel did have to have a little suctioning after birth since my bag of waters broke sometime during the pushing stage and there was meconium in the water. We aren't exactly sure WHEN it happened, just that it did. He was fine though and pinked up really quickly after birth. My placenta came quickly too, so I am also thankful about that! I did have a tear (one that did not require stitches) but my recovery has been very easy so far compared to Alexandra's birth. (I will take a tear over a surgical cut any day!!) His newborn exam said everything was normal and Nathaniel is a healthy baby boy. He weighed 7pounds 10 ounces, and was 22.5 inches long.
For those of you wondering how life has been so far with two under two, I have to say it hasn't been as difficult as I had anticipated it would be, granted I'm only a week in at this point. Alexandra is my little helper and LOVES her baby brother! She is always touching him, checking on him and says "me baby" when you ask her who he is. She seems to be doing fairly well with sharing mommy, although we have had a few jealous moments. Daddy and I try to sneak in as much one on one time with her as we can so that she doesn't feel left out, especially after we have had a particularly difficult moment or two with her. We want her to make sure she knows she is still loved by both of us. I find it funny how in spite of all of my worries that Alex would feel loved, she has handled things like a seasoned pro. Both of my babies are such blessings and I look forward to watching them grow up together and seeing the differences in their personalities as time marches on. Alexandra is such a unique person and I pray and look forward to seeing the unique person Nathaniel will be.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Mother's day
Happy May everyone! I know its been a while since I have updated, but I sure hope to have some good news to share within the next few days. Baby boy Heselton is due at any moment to make his entrance into the world, though I'm not "due" until Friday my big hopes are that he will be here soon. I'll be honest, at this point in the game I'm just ready to meet our son and NOT be pregnant anymore. Yeah, I said it. I'm over it.
That being said, since it IS May I have had a few other extras to focus on. One of them being my mom's birthday (Happy Birthday Mommy!!!) and the other being Mother's Day. Its the bane of all husbands and the joy of most mother's to celebrate. Sunday happens to be that day. Part of me thinks it would be wickedly cool to have a Mother's Day baby. Wouldn't that be the ultimate gift?! I was honestly hoping for today though, since its my moms' birthday. I thought it would be an awesome way to celebrate the circle of life, but I guess he had other plans. (I still have about an hour, but unless I have an insanely fast labor, that won't be happening!!)
Back to the original intent of the post, and that was to talk about Mother's Day. I wanted to talk about the fact that there are groups of women that are so often overlooked on Mother's Day. This post is dedicated to them. I know several of them myself and I think about them often.
First lets address the moms that are not mothers in they physical sense, but in the spiritual sense. I know one of them myself and have acted in this capacity on many occasions for girls at camp, church and just in life. These women deserve to be recognized too. They may not be your biological mothers, but they help to mold and guide young people into who they become as adults. Often times they help to shape the ideals of our youth into something spectacular that only someone who isn't a biological mother can do.
Now let's address those moms who are struggling to become moms. You know the one's I'm talking about. Moms who are navigating the adoption system just so they can make their family whole in some regard. You ladies ALSO need some serious recognition. Often times these moms are foster parents right down in the trenches with the rest of us, focusing on the lives of children who are extremely broken when they come to them. If they aren't acting in the capacity of mom as a foster parent, they are waiting for their hearts to not be so broken by their child who may be far away. Sometimes as far away as half a world. I also know moms like this, and to you I also say I am thankful!
There are the moms that are struggling to become a mom through fertility treatments too. These moms shouldn't be ignored either. You do so much to make your family complete and ignoring the fact that you are a mother too is not fair. Especially when often times it is a struggle that only the couple themselves can see. You're still a mom in my book, even if your child isn't here yet.
Finally there are those moms who suffer from loss. Be it the loss of a child at birth, while pregnant, or from some other tragic circumstance I think of you too. I have been on both sides of that fence. Its an ugly and dark place, but you deserve to be acknowledged in some way too. Your pain shouldn't be ignored on the account of those of us who have our "Happy" endings. You are still a mother.
My point of this post is to just make you aware. I read a post this week from another blogger and it really hit home about how often Mother's Day overlooks select groups of mothers. I'm not here to diminish the pride that women who are out fighting the battles daily with their own child should feel, but to put a bug in your ear to get you to think. I always make note to acknowledge loss moms on Mother's Day, but I too am guilty of forgetting the other groups of women. I have been on both sides of the fence on several of these regards (minus the foster/adoptive parent) and have often felt overlooked for what I was facing. Women are all special, especially those who take the time to love other children that are not there "own." Why shouldn't we celebrate all of them in some regard??
That being said, since it IS May I have had a few other extras to focus on. One of them being my mom's birthday (Happy Birthday Mommy!!!) and the other being Mother's Day. Its the bane of all husbands and the joy of most mother's to celebrate. Sunday happens to be that day. Part of me thinks it would be wickedly cool to have a Mother's Day baby. Wouldn't that be the ultimate gift?! I was honestly hoping for today though, since its my moms' birthday. I thought it would be an awesome way to celebrate the circle of life, but I guess he had other plans. (I still have about an hour, but unless I have an insanely fast labor, that won't be happening!!)
Back to the original intent of the post, and that was to talk about Mother's Day. I wanted to talk about the fact that there are groups of women that are so often overlooked on Mother's Day. This post is dedicated to them. I know several of them myself and I think about them often.
First lets address the moms that are not mothers in they physical sense, but in the spiritual sense. I know one of them myself and have acted in this capacity on many occasions for girls at camp, church and just in life. These women deserve to be recognized too. They may not be your biological mothers, but they help to mold and guide young people into who they become as adults. Often times they help to shape the ideals of our youth into something spectacular that only someone who isn't a biological mother can do.
Now let's address those moms who are struggling to become moms. You know the one's I'm talking about. Moms who are navigating the adoption system just so they can make their family whole in some regard. You ladies ALSO need some serious recognition. Often times these moms are foster parents right down in the trenches with the rest of us, focusing on the lives of children who are extremely broken when they come to them. If they aren't acting in the capacity of mom as a foster parent, they are waiting for their hearts to not be so broken by their child who may be far away. Sometimes as far away as half a world. I also know moms like this, and to you I also say I am thankful!
There are the moms that are struggling to become a mom through fertility treatments too. These moms shouldn't be ignored either. You do so much to make your family complete and ignoring the fact that you are a mother too is not fair. Especially when often times it is a struggle that only the couple themselves can see. You're still a mom in my book, even if your child isn't here yet.
Finally there are those moms who suffer from loss. Be it the loss of a child at birth, while pregnant, or from some other tragic circumstance I think of you too. I have been on both sides of that fence. Its an ugly and dark place, but you deserve to be acknowledged in some way too. Your pain shouldn't be ignored on the account of those of us who have our "Happy" endings. You are still a mother.
My point of this post is to just make you aware. I read a post this week from another blogger and it really hit home about how often Mother's Day overlooks select groups of mothers. I'm not here to diminish the pride that women who are out fighting the battles daily with their own child should feel, but to put a bug in your ear to get you to think. I always make note to acknowledge loss moms on Mother's Day, but I too am guilty of forgetting the other groups of women. I have been on both sides of the fence on several of these regards (minus the foster/adoptive parent) and have often felt overlooked for what I was facing. Women are all special, especially those who take the time to love other children that are not there "own." Why shouldn't we celebrate all of them in some regard??
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Pregnancy after Loss
One year. Seems like a lifetime ago, when in fact it was just a drop in the hat of my life. Okay maybe not a drop in the hat, but certainly a small fraction of it. One year ago I found out I was pregnant again, imagine my surprise, since I was on the mini-pill AND nursing Alexandra. Imagine how scared silly I was since not only do I have a history (a rather long one at that) of miscarriage, but because in this wonderful world called parenting, I was still walking on sea legs! Words can not even describe how scared I was and frustrated too. David and I had been doing everything in our power to avoid another pregnancy, we didn't want another baby right away and especially not given the fact that we were struggling just to make things work on one income.
We decided, for once in our reproductive history, to not share that I was pregnant. We wanted to make sure everything was okay and we also wanted to wait for our upcoming trip back to Virginia and Pennsylvania to share our exciting and shocking news. I think in the very back of my mind I knew something wasn't right, but I prayed over my pregnancy like I had countless times before with the others. I prayed that this time I wouldn't need medication to keep my hormones in check, and I prayed that somehow we could handle parenting two children so close in age. Seemed like the only thing I could control was to share my fears with God anyway. I went two weeks, carrying a secret that frankly for me was darn near impossible to keep.
What can I say, I'm the eternal optimist when it comes to my pregnancies.I always hope for the best, all the while entertaining the worst in the back of my mind. I even went so far as to seek out a VBAC friendly provider. I figured if this was going to happen, I wanted to have a second chance at the birth I had envisioned for Alexandra. Why not? I was already making the move to the more "crunchy" end of the spectrum of living, it just seemed logical for me to do it with my children starting from birth.
Then the worst happened. Two weeks later, on March 12, I started to have some spotting. I just figured it was the normal "implantation bleeding" I had with Alex, but yet something still felt off. I was crampy, bloated, and all around didn't feel like myself. It was late at night, like 2am or something crazy. I had gone to the bathroom after nursing Alexandra. I wrote it off to it being pregnancy symptoms, after all this was my first pregnancy after my C-section and I had heard a lot of stories from moms who said that they felt this way more after having a C-section than with their first or second (some moms I talked to have a vaginal birth with the first and section with the second). I just figured it was normal. Until it wasn't. I passed a small clot. "Nope, this isn't normal." I told myself. Call Doctor Jones and Eaton right away my brain told me. My husband reminds me to relax, it could be nothing after all, but my heart just knew.
That night I dreamt of my Grandpa. Still to this day, nearly a year later I can remember the details vividly. I honestly believe it was him, coming to tell me what I already knew, yet to gently remind me that I AM a good mom and that this isn't my fault. It was raw and so real. He was wearing a yellow and white banded polo with black horizontal pin stripes and those classic Docks Khakis he always wore with a floppy tan fishing hat and his brown leather loafers. We were sitting on a pier on what appeared to be a lake, fishing. It was bright out, so sunny in fact that I couldn't see much but a fuzz of shapes that looked like trees around me. I was wearing my favorite black peasant skirt and my Chaco sandals with a white tank top. Alexandra was no where to be found, but I could hear her in the background cooing. I sat silently while he talked and when I reached over, crying to give him a hug, David came in to wake Alex and I up for church. I remember because it was so real.
That afternoon we had our small group praying for us. I asked that my mind be eased and that it was nothing. The following morning I called my doctor and they were able to fit me in. Doctor Jones didn't feel to confident in what was happening and sent me back for an ultrasound. There was nothing to be seen except and empty sac. No baby, no heartbeat. I had what is called a blighted ovum and that since I was miscarrying naturally (again) I shouldn't need any medication or surgery. I had to have my levels checked every three days until the they went down to make certain I didn't have an ectopic pregnancy. I still thank God that I didn't have THAT going on! It was hard enough coping with a loss while caring for an infant, let alone having to have surgery. I don't think I could have done it.
Our small group was great. They prayed for us and over us. It was just what I needed at the time, until I went on my trip. A few weeks later, while I was still miscarrying, I went on a trip to visit my family. Saying I was emotional is an understatement. This was supposed to be a happy and exciting trip, not one marred with sadness, after all my cousin was getting married and I was going to see family I had not seen in a very long time. I hid it until after her wedding and managed to muster up a few genuine smiles and feelings of happiness. If only for a short time, it was the distraction I needed and I was all to happy to welcome her new husband into the family with open arms. Honestly, secretly praying that their marriage didn't have to face the trials ours had in just two years time. I still pray that for any married couple. Miscarriage and loss is no walk in the park for either party, let alone the stress it can place on a marriage. I am fortunate to have married someone just as stubborn as myself though who refuses to give up, even when we voice that we want to.
Fast forward to late August. I had been on the depo shot after this miscarriage. I wasn't taking any chances and as soon as I was given the all clear by Doctor Jones, I jumped on birth control. I didn't want an IUD, no thanks, I had read and heard of too many complications with those things and it would be just my luck that I would be one of those women whom had complications. So I elected for the shot. I figured a birth control that was effective for three months sounded like a good idea, and IF we managed to get back on our feet again we could stop and start trying for baby number two. It seems God had different plans that us. I let my birth control lapse, but as soon as I realized this, made and appointment to see a doctor to get said birth control. It was with planned parenthood, not my favorite place, but they would give it to me based on my income and that was all I needed, so I did it, knowing we would have to be SUPER careful for at least three weeks (two for the appointment and another for the birth control to take affect).
Fast forward a week. I started feeling "funny" and not quite like myself. Oh geesh, I'm getting sick, but I realize I haven't had a period yet this month. "Oh please do not let this be it" I think to myself. "The last thing we need is to have another baby!" all the while secretly thinking, okay no big deal IF you are pregnant again. I take a test, negative. YES! I'm not pregnant, or so I thought. We get a two pack "just in case," since I am prone to thinking I'm pregnant and freaking out only to find out I'm not. I wait another five days, still no period. This time I insist I take one and lo-and behold I AM pregnant. Oh geesh, I think, what am I going to do?! but I tell myself it will be okay. Its funny how a woman's brain works. She just KNOWS.
So I go into freak-out mode, calling local midwives, knowing that at this time I don't have insurance and having a homebirth is the cheapest way to go. I'm okay with that, since its what I wanted anyway and something I had researched to death. I became almost obsessive about researching my options. I know it is because I lost a baby after having a baby and that fear just NEVER leaves the back of my mind. It never will. I still, at 30ish weeks pregnant fear that I will loose him. Its part of how I love. I love my children, ALL OF THEM, with a deepness that only a mother can understand and that starts at conception for me. (Or rather the moment I find out I'm pregnant.) When I loose a pregnancy, not matter how far along I am, it rocks me to my core. It's hard to explain to someone unless they themselves have been through it. Sorry folks, but unless you have EXPERIENCED a pregnancy loss, miscarriage, still birth or loss of a child, you JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND. I'm not saying this to be mean, I'm just stating a simple fact. You will never understand, and I thank GOD that you DON'T.
I wouldn't want anyone to experience this fear, but the only thing that works for me is staying connected with other rainbow parents, parents of loss, and prayer. Prayer probably being the biggest one for me. I have prayed through the Psalms a lot in my lifetime, but when my heart hurts the worst, its what I turn to. Pregnancy after loss is a whole other bear I have had to face. This time around it has seemed more fraught with anxiety than with Alexandra. Probably BECAUSE I have carried a pregnancy to full term now and know the love of a mother as it came full circle. Some days are harder than others and it reveals itself through laziness, anxiety, eating more than normal (not so much binge eating, like with Alex, but more consumption than normal for sure), crying, even anger. Sometimes I don't recognize it, but its there. Pregnancy after loss is hard, hardest for those with multiple losses. Its raw, like a wound that is healing and hasn't yet had time to scar over fully. Its difficult, but it is also wonderful too.
I find myself enjoying pregnancy more than I did with Alexandra. I find myself being thankful for every little ache, pain, cramp, and crazy symptom that comes along with it. I also find myself not complaining like I did with Alex. I actually LOVE being pregnant this time around (maybe in part due to the fact that I'm not miserably sick like I was with Alexandra!) and I am finding a deeper connection to my daughter too. I'm finding that through this pregnancy I look at her and am thankful for every moment she grew within me and every moment we have had together. My love for her grows deeper daily, its just part of being a loss mom I guess.
So for those of you wondering WHY I post so much about pregnancy, there is just a small amount of insight for you. For those of you that ever wondered what it would be like to have a baby after a loss, this is for you too.. And for those of you that ever wonder what its like to lose a pregnancy, this is just a SMALL glimpse into that world. Its raw, but its the truth. Its how I have coped, but certainly not ALL of how I have coped. That, has been shared and revealed in bits and pieces over time. The process is continual, and with each passing moment, each passing day it DOES get easier. And with each anniversary of my losses, each due date that passes, I remember, but it gets easier over time. I find myself often just glancing over those days, feeling sad for just a moment, but thankful for what I have been blessed with in this life. Its those small things that make the difficult moments smaller and smaller every year.
We decided, for once in our reproductive history, to not share that I was pregnant. We wanted to make sure everything was okay and we also wanted to wait for our upcoming trip back to Virginia and Pennsylvania to share our exciting and shocking news. I think in the very back of my mind I knew something wasn't right, but I prayed over my pregnancy like I had countless times before with the others. I prayed that this time I wouldn't need medication to keep my hormones in check, and I prayed that somehow we could handle parenting two children so close in age. Seemed like the only thing I could control was to share my fears with God anyway. I went two weeks, carrying a secret that frankly for me was darn near impossible to keep.
What can I say, I'm the eternal optimist when it comes to my pregnancies.I always hope for the best, all the while entertaining the worst in the back of my mind. I even went so far as to seek out a VBAC friendly provider. I figured if this was going to happen, I wanted to have a second chance at the birth I had envisioned for Alexandra. Why not? I was already making the move to the more "crunchy" end of the spectrum of living, it just seemed logical for me to do it with my children starting from birth.
Then the worst happened. Two weeks later, on March 12, I started to have some spotting. I just figured it was the normal "implantation bleeding" I had with Alex, but yet something still felt off. I was crampy, bloated, and all around didn't feel like myself. It was late at night, like 2am or something crazy. I had gone to the bathroom after nursing Alexandra. I wrote it off to it being pregnancy symptoms, after all this was my first pregnancy after my C-section and I had heard a lot of stories from moms who said that they felt this way more after having a C-section than with their first or second (some moms I talked to have a vaginal birth with the first and section with the second). I just figured it was normal. Until it wasn't. I passed a small clot. "Nope, this isn't normal." I told myself. Call Doctor Jones and Eaton right away my brain told me. My husband reminds me to relax, it could be nothing after all, but my heart just knew.
That night I dreamt of my Grandpa. Still to this day, nearly a year later I can remember the details vividly. I honestly believe it was him, coming to tell me what I already knew, yet to gently remind me that I AM a good mom and that this isn't my fault. It was raw and so real. He was wearing a yellow and white banded polo with black horizontal pin stripes and those classic Docks Khakis he always wore with a floppy tan fishing hat and his brown leather loafers. We were sitting on a pier on what appeared to be a lake, fishing. It was bright out, so sunny in fact that I couldn't see much but a fuzz of shapes that looked like trees around me. I was wearing my favorite black peasant skirt and my Chaco sandals with a white tank top. Alexandra was no where to be found, but I could hear her in the background cooing. I sat silently while he talked and when I reached over, crying to give him a hug, David came in to wake Alex and I up for church. I remember because it was so real.
That afternoon we had our small group praying for us. I asked that my mind be eased and that it was nothing. The following morning I called my doctor and they were able to fit me in. Doctor Jones didn't feel to confident in what was happening and sent me back for an ultrasound. There was nothing to be seen except and empty sac. No baby, no heartbeat. I had what is called a blighted ovum and that since I was miscarrying naturally (again) I shouldn't need any medication or surgery. I had to have my levels checked every three days until the they went down to make certain I didn't have an ectopic pregnancy. I still thank God that I didn't have THAT going on! It was hard enough coping with a loss while caring for an infant, let alone having to have surgery. I don't think I could have done it.
Our small group was great. They prayed for us and over us. It was just what I needed at the time, until I went on my trip. A few weeks later, while I was still miscarrying, I went on a trip to visit my family. Saying I was emotional is an understatement. This was supposed to be a happy and exciting trip, not one marred with sadness, after all my cousin was getting married and I was going to see family I had not seen in a very long time. I hid it until after her wedding and managed to muster up a few genuine smiles and feelings of happiness. If only for a short time, it was the distraction I needed and I was all to happy to welcome her new husband into the family with open arms. Honestly, secretly praying that their marriage didn't have to face the trials ours had in just two years time. I still pray that for any married couple. Miscarriage and loss is no walk in the park for either party, let alone the stress it can place on a marriage. I am fortunate to have married someone just as stubborn as myself though who refuses to give up, even when we voice that we want to.
Fast forward to late August. I had been on the depo shot after this miscarriage. I wasn't taking any chances and as soon as I was given the all clear by Doctor Jones, I jumped on birth control. I didn't want an IUD, no thanks, I had read and heard of too many complications with those things and it would be just my luck that I would be one of those women whom had complications. So I elected for the shot. I figured a birth control that was effective for three months sounded like a good idea, and IF we managed to get back on our feet again we could stop and start trying for baby number two. It seems God had different plans that us. I let my birth control lapse, but as soon as I realized this, made and appointment to see a doctor to get said birth control. It was with planned parenthood, not my favorite place, but they would give it to me based on my income and that was all I needed, so I did it, knowing we would have to be SUPER careful for at least three weeks (two for the appointment and another for the birth control to take affect).
Fast forward a week. I started feeling "funny" and not quite like myself. Oh geesh, I'm getting sick, but I realize I haven't had a period yet this month. "Oh please do not let this be it" I think to myself. "The last thing we need is to have another baby!" all the while secretly thinking, okay no big deal IF you are pregnant again. I take a test, negative. YES! I'm not pregnant, or so I thought. We get a two pack "just in case," since I am prone to thinking I'm pregnant and freaking out only to find out I'm not. I wait another five days, still no period. This time I insist I take one and lo-and behold I AM pregnant. Oh geesh, I think, what am I going to do?! but I tell myself it will be okay. Its funny how a woman's brain works. She just KNOWS.
So I go into freak-out mode, calling local midwives, knowing that at this time I don't have insurance and having a homebirth is the cheapest way to go. I'm okay with that, since its what I wanted anyway and something I had researched to death. I became almost obsessive about researching my options. I know it is because I lost a baby after having a baby and that fear just NEVER leaves the back of my mind. It never will. I still, at 30ish weeks pregnant fear that I will loose him. Its part of how I love. I love my children, ALL OF THEM, with a deepness that only a mother can understand and that starts at conception for me. (Or rather the moment I find out I'm pregnant.) When I loose a pregnancy, not matter how far along I am, it rocks me to my core. It's hard to explain to someone unless they themselves have been through it. Sorry folks, but unless you have EXPERIENCED a pregnancy loss, miscarriage, still birth or loss of a child, you JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND. I'm not saying this to be mean, I'm just stating a simple fact. You will never understand, and I thank GOD that you DON'T.
I wouldn't want anyone to experience this fear, but the only thing that works for me is staying connected with other rainbow parents, parents of loss, and prayer. Prayer probably being the biggest one for me. I have prayed through the Psalms a lot in my lifetime, but when my heart hurts the worst, its what I turn to. Pregnancy after loss is a whole other bear I have had to face. This time around it has seemed more fraught with anxiety than with Alexandra. Probably BECAUSE I have carried a pregnancy to full term now and know the love of a mother as it came full circle. Some days are harder than others and it reveals itself through laziness, anxiety, eating more than normal (not so much binge eating, like with Alex, but more consumption than normal for sure), crying, even anger. Sometimes I don't recognize it, but its there. Pregnancy after loss is hard, hardest for those with multiple losses. Its raw, like a wound that is healing and hasn't yet had time to scar over fully. Its difficult, but it is also wonderful too.
I find myself enjoying pregnancy more than I did with Alexandra. I find myself being thankful for every little ache, pain, cramp, and crazy symptom that comes along with it. I also find myself not complaining like I did with Alex. I actually LOVE being pregnant this time around (maybe in part due to the fact that I'm not miserably sick like I was with Alexandra!) and I am finding a deeper connection to my daughter too. I'm finding that through this pregnancy I look at her and am thankful for every moment she grew within me and every moment we have had together. My love for her grows deeper daily, its just part of being a loss mom I guess.
So for those of you wondering WHY I post so much about pregnancy, there is just a small amount of insight for you. For those of you that ever wondered what it would be like to have a baby after a loss, this is for you too.. And for those of you that ever wonder what its like to lose a pregnancy, this is just a SMALL glimpse into that world. Its raw, but its the truth. Its how I have coped, but certainly not ALL of how I have coped. That, has been shared and revealed in bits and pieces over time. The process is continual, and with each passing moment, each passing day it DOES get easier. And with each anniversary of my losses, each due date that passes, I remember, but it gets easier over time. I find myself often just glancing over those days, feeling sad for just a moment, but thankful for what I have been blessed with in this life. Its those small things that make the difficult moments smaller and smaller every year.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Info for you to chew on
Lately, as the birth of our son draws closer, I have been facing some discouraging comments. For me this is hard since I am typically one to follow the pack on many stances and rarely do something that isn't in the "norm." Even when I feel strongly about something, in the presence of strangers I tend to hide that opinion in the name of keeping the peace, but as you may well know (just check out my Facebook feed!) I'm very well educated when it comes to birth and breastfeeding related topics. I'm not always eloquent in the way I convey this information, but I know it and I know it well. I am constantly eager to read new studies, absorb information, read debates, and all around educate myself in every aspect of this subject matter. I'm hungry for it and I can't seem to get enough. It is because of this information and knowledge I felt confident enough to step out to the world and share that I was planning on birthing my child at home/in a home setting.
Here is were things got sticky and in walked the nay-sayers. The ones who don't believe I can do it. The ones who think I'm bat-crap crazy and the ones who think I am just doing it because it is the "trendy" thing to do. Here is where I say you are wrong, and NOTHING gets my goat worse than hearing these comments. Especially the comments to the effect of "You can't do it," or "You're only doing this because your friends are doing it." I'm not going to lie, those sting the worst. Not because of the words, but because it seems you have zero confidence in the fact that I have a brain and have used it for myself. Even those I love the most sometimes make these comments, and I would be lying if I said they didn't make me cry. Maybe not in front of them, but often times when I'm alone, that's when it happens.
This is what I say to you, please don't look at me like I'm crazy, especially as the birth nears. This isn't about what you would choose, and if you were in my position you have the right to choose differently. This is about what I KNOW through reading literally THOUSANDS of pages of research, books, and articles to be the right choice for me and for my family. Not many are as well researched on this subject as I am, but I encourage you to make a well informed choice before jumping to conclusions about those of us who choose homebirth and natural birth. As someone I look up to says, "Consider the BAR- Benefits, Alternatives, and Risks." Consider it before jumping to conclusions about those of us that have chosen this, its hard enough to make unconventional choices without the negative comments and reactions.
Here is were things got sticky and in walked the nay-sayers. The ones who don't believe I can do it. The ones who think I'm bat-crap crazy and the ones who think I am just doing it because it is the "trendy" thing to do. Here is where I say you are wrong, and NOTHING gets my goat worse than hearing these comments. Especially the comments to the effect of "You can't do it," or "You're only doing this because your friends are doing it." I'm not going to lie, those sting the worst. Not because of the words, but because it seems you have zero confidence in the fact that I have a brain and have used it for myself. Even those I love the most sometimes make these comments, and I would be lying if I said they didn't make me cry. Maybe not in front of them, but often times when I'm alone, that's when it happens.
This is what I say to you, please don't look at me like I'm crazy, especially as the birth nears. This isn't about what you would choose, and if you were in my position you have the right to choose differently. This is about what I KNOW through reading literally THOUSANDS of pages of research, books, and articles to be the right choice for me and for my family. Not many are as well researched on this subject as I am, but I encourage you to make a well informed choice before jumping to conclusions about those of us who choose homebirth and natural birth. As someone I look up to says, "Consider the BAR- Benefits, Alternatives, and Risks." Consider it before jumping to conclusions about those of us that have chosen this, its hard enough to make unconventional choices without the negative comments and reactions.
Friday, November 2, 2012
Baby Bean
As you all know I am a big supporter of home birth, natural birth and going into labor on your own. As I enter into my second trimester I am thinking a lot about what my ideal birthing experience would look like. I think and re-think every possibly outcome and pray that the most positive outcome occurs. For me I chose to have a home birth with this baby for a lot of reasons. The biggest being that I felt so unfulfilled after Alexandra's birth. I didn't hold a sense of accomplishment in her birth and felt a major let down after her birth did not turn out the way I had planned it.
Alexandra's birth ended in a c-section. Something I later found out from a midwife and an OB that was not needed. I "failed to progress," code for my labor was not moving as quickly as doctors thought it should. The doctor who delivered Alexandra is well known in town for being a c-section lover, and after talking to three other mothers who had them as their OB, I questioned the importance of my c-section. I wanted to know why and I wanted to know HOW I could avoid this situation again. I wanted a normal birth, but I quickly found that my birth WAS considered normal. With that thought, I backed up and questioned WHY it was the norm and not the exception.
Why on earth were c-sections becoming the rule rather than the exception? I was highly disappointed in what I found through research, questioning my doctors and myself. I knew in my heart that the reason I was failing to progress was not because of anything physically wrong with me, but simply put my body was NOT ready to bring this child into the world yet. I tried so hard to be brave and labor without an epidural, something that I had as a goal from the beginning of my pregnancy, but Pitocin intensified my contractions. At one point I remember trying to focus, all the while my mom and husband at my side being as supportive as possible, but I could NOT see past the pain. The intensity was indescribable. By that point, I asked for an epidural in order to better focus on bringing my daughter forth into the world. BIG MISTAKE! My cervix clamped down as tightly as it possibly could.
All of these mistakes with my birth of Alexandra brought me to questions I needed answers to. I KNEW at some point I would want to birth a child at home. I just always knew that was something I wanted to do, not because it was abnormal, but because it was something I wanted to experience. I wanted to experience bringing my child into the world in the privacy of my home. I wanted to to feel safe, secure and comfortable in a setting that no matter what I did or said, I could relax. In all of these thoughts I was led to a group called ICAN- International Cesarean Awareness Network. I can NOT say enough positive things about this group!!!
Shortly before joining an ICAN support group, I found myself pregnant. Sadly we lost that baby, but it was the catalyst I needed to take control of my birthing experience. I'm not saying c-sections don't have their place. Sometimes they are MUCH needed to save a mother's life, but I also found that much of the research I found through ICAN and through independent resources was pointing to a problem with c-sections. Especially repeat c-sections. I did NOT want to be one of those women. I knew maybe there was a chance that I could still be one of these women who could birth their child in their own home.
I found that less than 1% of VBAC (Vaginal Birth after Cesarean) end in a poor outcome. And only 3% finally end in a c-section. This meant that 96% of VBAC's had positive outcomes ending in a birth the way I wanted it. I will take those odds! With a well trained professional, I found that I could have a baby at home. There are certain warning signs that mom's scar isn't doing so well and after meeting with two midwives for baby Bean I settled on one who was extremely knowledgeable in the warning signs, and had a policy that ensured safety for both myself and our child. I love the idea of having a birth at home or in a home like setting.
So to introduce to the world, baby Bean will be "due" on May 10, 2013. That being said, we are not placing much stock in the date he/she will be born. We know baby will come when they are good and ready. We look forward to sharing stories about this child as much as we do Alexandra and loving them as much as we love her. :-)
Alexandra's birth ended in a c-section. Something I later found out from a midwife and an OB that was not needed. I "failed to progress," code for my labor was not moving as quickly as doctors thought it should. The doctor who delivered Alexandra is well known in town for being a c-section lover, and after talking to three other mothers who had them as their OB, I questioned the importance of my c-section. I wanted to know why and I wanted to know HOW I could avoid this situation again. I wanted a normal birth, but I quickly found that my birth WAS considered normal. With that thought, I backed up and questioned WHY it was the norm and not the exception.
Why on earth were c-sections becoming the rule rather than the exception? I was highly disappointed in what I found through research, questioning my doctors and myself. I knew in my heart that the reason I was failing to progress was not because of anything physically wrong with me, but simply put my body was NOT ready to bring this child into the world yet. I tried so hard to be brave and labor without an epidural, something that I had as a goal from the beginning of my pregnancy, but Pitocin intensified my contractions. At one point I remember trying to focus, all the while my mom and husband at my side being as supportive as possible, but I could NOT see past the pain. The intensity was indescribable. By that point, I asked for an epidural in order to better focus on bringing my daughter forth into the world. BIG MISTAKE! My cervix clamped down as tightly as it possibly could.
All of these mistakes with my birth of Alexandra brought me to questions I needed answers to. I KNEW at some point I would want to birth a child at home. I just always knew that was something I wanted to do, not because it was abnormal, but because it was something I wanted to experience. I wanted to experience bringing my child into the world in the privacy of my home. I wanted to to feel safe, secure and comfortable in a setting that no matter what I did or said, I could relax. In all of these thoughts I was led to a group called ICAN- International Cesarean Awareness Network. I can NOT say enough positive things about this group!!!
Shortly before joining an ICAN support group, I found myself pregnant. Sadly we lost that baby, but it was the catalyst I needed to take control of my birthing experience. I'm not saying c-sections don't have their place. Sometimes they are MUCH needed to save a mother's life, but I also found that much of the research I found through ICAN and through independent resources was pointing to a problem with c-sections. Especially repeat c-sections. I did NOT want to be one of those women. I knew maybe there was a chance that I could still be one of these women who could birth their child in their own home.
I found that less than 1% of VBAC (Vaginal Birth after Cesarean) end in a poor outcome. And only 3% finally end in a c-section. This meant that 96% of VBAC's had positive outcomes ending in a birth the way I wanted it. I will take those odds! With a well trained professional, I found that I could have a baby at home. There are certain warning signs that mom's scar isn't doing so well and after meeting with two midwives for baby Bean I settled on one who was extremely knowledgeable in the warning signs, and had a policy that ensured safety for both myself and our child. I love the idea of having a birth at home or in a home like setting.
So to introduce to the world, baby Bean will be "due" on May 10, 2013. That being said, we are not placing much stock in the date he/she will be born. We know baby will come when they are good and ready. We look forward to sharing stories about this child as much as we do Alexandra and loving them as much as we love her. :-)
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Christians and Voting
To say I am disappointed in my fellow Christians is an understatement. When did voting become an issue of salvation? Last time I checked the Bible is pretty mute on this subject. Yes, I DO believe as Christians it is our duty to vote, but also believe this of ALL Americans, not JUST the Christian population. I believe that it is our job to choose who will do the best job serving ALL of the people in this country. I make no pledges to one particular political party. Both parties in my opinion have pros and cons, and this post will NOT be about who I feel fits the bill for president.
What I am going to say is that I do not always agree with my fellow believers who vote straight ticket Republican/Democratic. That is just silly in my opinion. We are given choices in the country for a reason. Our duty is to choose whom we think will do the best job at protecting our rights, affording rights to its citizens, and working to keep (and in some cases restore) our country as wonderful as it has been. Our country was established to give the rights to its people, and as such I have the right to think differently than someone else might think. It doesn't make me a bad person, and it does not make me a bad Christian.
Now there are some issues in this election that I simply can not look past. I am pro-life, I always have been and always will be. I believe life starts at conception, but the abortion issue is not going to vanish in this country. Lets face it, not all people in this country believe in abstinence and it breaks my heart to say this, but if we want to solve one of our biggest abortion issues, for those who are sexually active we NEED to provide them with accurate information. This means teaching young ladies how to use contraception appropriately and allowing access to affordable birth control for the low income individuals who need it. Boys should be taught the proper way to use a condom to prevent the spread of many of the diseases and girls should be taught how to stop for a moment to make sure their partners are USING protection in addition to birth control. Many unwanted pregnancies would be prevented this way.
Many of my fellow Christians would not agree with my stance on this issue. Instead of looking at the facts, they choose to blindly ignore sex in favor of teaching nothing but abstinence. Now don't get me wrong, I intend to teach my child abstinence, but ALSO intend to inform her so that she knows ALL of her options. I believe that turning a blind eye to the issue and lack of education only perpetuates the situation, leading to more children who grow up in poverty and often times in situations that can be delicate at best. After all Jesus hung out with prostitutes, so he knew how to love those who had sex outside of marriage too.
Now I'm not saying I'm perfect, heck at this time I am considered to be in the poverty level and have one child and another on the way. That being said, I work hard to accept the responsibility I have been given and know the consequences of my actions. We both are working to better ourselves (in fact in just shy of two weeks I take my first of many classes with the end goal of being a Certified Practicing Midwife--- More on that later!!) and it shows. We are living on a tight budget, I stay at home with Alexandra to save money on child care (because it is DANG expensive) and we are saving like there is no tomorrow while paying off debt we have acquired over the last seven years. We live with David's parents to save money on housing, so that the money we WOULD be spending on rent is going to savings as well as debt. We have a tough road, but we got ourselves into this mess and intend to get ourselves out.
Now onto another issue with this election that, frankly, is going to piss some people off. I'm talking about the elephant in the room, gay marriage. Now we all know what I believe. My faith teaches that it is a sin to be gay, but I have gay "friends" and people I love who are gay, and to me it is no more sinful than looking at porn or adultry. Sin is sin in God's eyes, regardless, but I am not the one to make the judgement on their eternal well being. I am not qualified, nor do I want the job. I have my own crap that I judge myself on, and I'm frankly too busy to judge someone else on their stuff.
Now, religious beliefs out of the way, I have to say it is my opinion that they should be allowed to marry just as much as I am allowed to have married David. Frankly I think the government has no business in that either, its a PERSONAL and RELIGIOUS choice. Marriage in and of itself is a contract I believe to be made between a couple and their God. That being said, the government has gotten involved with straight couples and afforded us the rights to combine our finances, lives and property into one. Shouldn't gays be allowed that too? This is a question of basic human rights, not if it is right or wrong.
Finally the socialized medicine is an issue for me. Boy is THIS another hot button issue among Christians, probably just as much, if not more, than the the gay marriage issue. Again, I'm not saying agree with it. I don't want my taxes raised, especially on my loved ones who would REALLY be the ones paying for this, but I DO think that there needs to be something done about the state of our health care system. For example, insurance needs to be made affordable to all people. Perhaps a sliding scale? Another example, and one you most certainly will know I am passionate about, is unnecessary medical interventions, especially in the cases of birth. Women are not being given the rights to choose with whom and WHERE we want to birth our children and in many cases are stuck paying for a normal thing out of pocket. Tests are being preformed on healthy individuals because they are on medicare/medicaid and doctors know they can get more money that way. Even for people who have private insurance this is happening. Legislation needs to be made for these things to stop happening, and they only way I see that happening is if the people of American DEMAND change in the system.
I am not saying to vote for one particular candidate or the other. Honestly they both have pro's and con's in my opinion, but if I choose to vote differently from you, don't bash me or my belief system for it. Don't be hostile if I disagree with you and don't question my salvation. If there is one thing I have NEVER been more sure of, it is my eternal fate. For you simply to pronounce damnation on me because I see things DIFFERENTLY than you is wrong also. I love my God and I do my best to follow his teachings, but I also try to look at life practically, especially since having a child. Some of you are going to stand firm in what you say/feel and that is fine. YOU are given that RIGHT by the very Constitution that you hold so dear, but don't show hostility toward me because of what I believe to be right for my COUNTRY and ultimately my loved ones. And to those I have shown hostility toward in past elections, I say now that I am very sorry, it was a very unChrist-like attitude.
What I am going to say is that I do not always agree with my fellow believers who vote straight ticket Republican/Democratic. That is just silly in my opinion. We are given choices in the country for a reason. Our duty is to choose whom we think will do the best job at protecting our rights, affording rights to its citizens, and working to keep (and in some cases restore) our country as wonderful as it has been. Our country was established to give the rights to its people, and as such I have the right to think differently than someone else might think. It doesn't make me a bad person, and it does not make me a bad Christian.
Now there are some issues in this election that I simply can not look past. I am pro-life, I always have been and always will be. I believe life starts at conception, but the abortion issue is not going to vanish in this country. Lets face it, not all people in this country believe in abstinence and it breaks my heart to say this, but if we want to solve one of our biggest abortion issues, for those who are sexually active we NEED to provide them with accurate information. This means teaching young ladies how to use contraception appropriately and allowing access to affordable birth control for the low income individuals who need it. Boys should be taught the proper way to use a condom to prevent the spread of many of the diseases and girls should be taught how to stop for a moment to make sure their partners are USING protection in addition to birth control. Many unwanted pregnancies would be prevented this way.
Many of my fellow Christians would not agree with my stance on this issue. Instead of looking at the facts, they choose to blindly ignore sex in favor of teaching nothing but abstinence. Now don't get me wrong, I intend to teach my child abstinence, but ALSO intend to inform her so that she knows ALL of her options. I believe that turning a blind eye to the issue and lack of education only perpetuates the situation, leading to more children who grow up in poverty and often times in situations that can be delicate at best. After all Jesus hung out with prostitutes, so he knew how to love those who had sex outside of marriage too.
Now I'm not saying I'm perfect, heck at this time I am considered to be in the poverty level and have one child and another on the way. That being said, I work hard to accept the responsibility I have been given and know the consequences of my actions. We both are working to better ourselves (in fact in just shy of two weeks I take my first of many classes with the end goal of being a Certified Practicing Midwife--- More on that later!!) and it shows. We are living on a tight budget, I stay at home with Alexandra to save money on child care (because it is DANG expensive) and we are saving like there is no tomorrow while paying off debt we have acquired over the last seven years. We live with David's parents to save money on housing, so that the money we WOULD be spending on rent is going to savings as well as debt. We have a tough road, but we got ourselves into this mess and intend to get ourselves out.
Now onto another issue with this election that, frankly, is going to piss some people off. I'm talking about the elephant in the room, gay marriage. Now we all know what I believe. My faith teaches that it is a sin to be gay, but I have gay "friends" and people I love who are gay, and to me it is no more sinful than looking at porn or adultry. Sin is sin in God's eyes, regardless, but I am not the one to make the judgement on their eternal well being. I am not qualified, nor do I want the job. I have my own crap that I judge myself on, and I'm frankly too busy to judge someone else on their stuff.
Now, religious beliefs out of the way, I have to say it is my opinion that they should be allowed to marry just as much as I am allowed to have married David. Frankly I think the government has no business in that either, its a PERSONAL and RELIGIOUS choice. Marriage in and of itself is a contract I believe to be made between a couple and their God. That being said, the government has gotten involved with straight couples and afforded us the rights to combine our finances, lives and property into one. Shouldn't gays be allowed that too? This is a question of basic human rights, not if it is right or wrong.
Finally the socialized medicine is an issue for me. Boy is THIS another hot button issue among Christians, probably just as much, if not more, than the the gay marriage issue. Again, I'm not saying agree with it. I don't want my taxes raised, especially on my loved ones who would REALLY be the ones paying for this, but I DO think that there needs to be something done about the state of our health care system. For example, insurance needs to be made affordable to all people. Perhaps a sliding scale? Another example, and one you most certainly will know I am passionate about, is unnecessary medical interventions, especially in the cases of birth. Women are not being given the rights to choose with whom and WHERE we want to birth our children and in many cases are stuck paying for a normal thing out of pocket. Tests are being preformed on healthy individuals because they are on medicare/medicaid and doctors know they can get more money that way. Even for people who have private insurance this is happening. Legislation needs to be made for these things to stop happening, and they only way I see that happening is if the people of American DEMAND change in the system.
I am not saying to vote for one particular candidate or the other. Honestly they both have pro's and con's in my opinion, but if I choose to vote differently from you, don't bash me or my belief system for it. Don't be hostile if I disagree with you and don't question my salvation. If there is one thing I have NEVER been more sure of, it is my eternal fate. For you simply to pronounce damnation on me because I see things DIFFERENTLY than you is wrong also. I love my God and I do my best to follow his teachings, but I also try to look at life practically, especially since having a child. Some of you are going to stand firm in what you say/feel and that is fine. YOU are given that RIGHT by the very Constitution that you hold so dear, but don't show hostility toward me because of what I believe to be right for my COUNTRY and ultimately my loved ones. And to those I have shown hostility toward in past elections, I say now that I am very sorry, it was a very unChrist-like attitude.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Infant Loss, SIDS, Miscarriage and Still Birth
Wow! Its been a while. I guess I only write when I have something I need to talk about or want to share. So here goes my two cents for the time being. I'm sure there will be other updates to follow.
October is Infant Loss, Still Birth, Miscarriage and SIDS awareness month. Yes I know it is also breast cancer awareness month, but what better time to be thinking about our children than when thinking about ways we can be caring for ourselves too? I have been thinking on this subject much more than normal. Namely because we are expecting again. Most of you don't know this, but David and I suffered another miscarriage in March. My heart was shattered to say the least. I couldn't function for about a week. Laying there on the couch after receiving the news that we were really going to be loosing another child I sobbed. I held my daughter close and I sobbed. My heart was broken in to a million pieces.
I love being a mom. It is my greatest joy in life. Having Alexandra has been the best blessing I could have ever asked for, but I was shattered when I found out I was loosing yet another baby. We shared with my parents after the fact. It was hard to say the least. Yes I knew I would be met with challenges having children so close in age, but there is a little part of your soul that dies when you loose a pregnancy. I can't explain it to anyone unless they themselves have been through it, but it feels as though you will never be whole again. It takes time, sometimes a long time, to feel like you are a normal human being and even longer to feel like your heart is starting to heal. I still feel a small whole seven months later. I have fretted worse over this pregnancy that I did with Alexandra. Every little pull, stretch, cramp, or odd sensation has made me wonder "Is everything still healthy?"
This brings me to why I am posting this blog post. Its about sharing with you the ups and downs of grief. Grief, especially over a child (no matter the length they were on this earth), is somewhat circular. It is all over the place. You may have a day or two where you feel like you did before your heart was broken, only to be blindsided with something that sets you down the path of tears, fear, or any number of emotions. You are never the same person again. Be it if your child died while you were pregnant, or in some accident you are NEVER the same person again.
Here is what you can do for a family (especially a woman) who has lost a baby. First, validate her feelings. Let her know it is okay to feel angry, sad, scared, depressed or even guilty. Women have an extra special connection to their children. We grow them inside of us, knowing them from essentially the moment of conception. Being a mother is a very intimate bond. This isn't to say that men can not have this feeling about their children, but it is a different kind of bond. Especially in my case, acknowledge that the pregnancy was real and that her feelings of loss are real. Don't ignore it, instead love the parents when they need it the most.
Second is something I briefly mentioned above. Acknowledged the loss. People want to know you are thinking about them and their children. We want to know that we are being prayed for, thought of, and taken care of. This applies to all aspects of loss, but especially in early pregnancy loss. I can honestly say that I had some horrible comments made to me after loosing a baby. Yes I didn't not get to feel my baby move or even hold them yet, but I still LOVED my child. I had dreams for them. When you loose a child, all of those dreams are dashed in an instant. You dream about their careers, their personalities, their hobbies, what you will teach them or what they will teach their children. You dream about every aspect of their life. When a child dies, it is very hard with the next one to have these dreams for them. You fear that they will be gone again, and sometimes when you let your guard down (as in my case) your dreams are once again shattered.
Finally, talk about it with the family. Offer to make them a meal or to do a load of laundry. Offer to walk their pets or to just sit with them for a while. Giving the family time to grieve in whatever way works for them helps them to accept what has happened and to get back to normal. I tried to get back to normal relatively quickly with my loss in March, but it also made things much more difficult. I was traveling within a few days of finding out. I had moments of forgetting while visiting with family, celebrating a wedding, and traveling, but I never stopped hurting. My daughter was my greatest comfort. She was my ray of sunshine in my darkest moments. My husband was my rock, hugging me when I needed it, calling to check in on me and just generally loving me the way I needed it.
I urge you if you have ever experienced a loss, no matter how old your child or family member was to find a project you can do to help you heal. Right now I am doing a project called capture your grief. You take photos of various things that are important to you. To say it has been healing would be an understatement. It has given me hope for this child. It has helped me to stay relaxed and it has helped me during a month I knew would be difficult. (Our due date was November 3) We love our babies, ALL of them and it has given me a chance to show that love for them.
October is Infant Loss, Still Birth, Miscarriage and SIDS awareness month. Yes I know it is also breast cancer awareness month, but what better time to be thinking about our children than when thinking about ways we can be caring for ourselves too? I have been thinking on this subject much more than normal. Namely because we are expecting again. Most of you don't know this, but David and I suffered another miscarriage in March. My heart was shattered to say the least. I couldn't function for about a week. Laying there on the couch after receiving the news that we were really going to be loosing another child I sobbed. I held my daughter close and I sobbed. My heart was broken in to a million pieces.
I love being a mom. It is my greatest joy in life. Having Alexandra has been the best blessing I could have ever asked for, but I was shattered when I found out I was loosing yet another baby. We shared with my parents after the fact. It was hard to say the least. Yes I knew I would be met with challenges having children so close in age, but there is a little part of your soul that dies when you loose a pregnancy. I can't explain it to anyone unless they themselves have been through it, but it feels as though you will never be whole again. It takes time, sometimes a long time, to feel like you are a normal human being and even longer to feel like your heart is starting to heal. I still feel a small whole seven months later. I have fretted worse over this pregnancy that I did with Alexandra. Every little pull, stretch, cramp, or odd sensation has made me wonder "Is everything still healthy?"
This brings me to why I am posting this blog post. Its about sharing with you the ups and downs of grief. Grief, especially over a child (no matter the length they were on this earth), is somewhat circular. It is all over the place. You may have a day or two where you feel like you did before your heart was broken, only to be blindsided with something that sets you down the path of tears, fear, or any number of emotions. You are never the same person again. Be it if your child died while you were pregnant, or in some accident you are NEVER the same person again.
Here is what you can do for a family (especially a woman) who has lost a baby. First, validate her feelings. Let her know it is okay to feel angry, sad, scared, depressed or even guilty. Women have an extra special connection to their children. We grow them inside of us, knowing them from essentially the moment of conception. Being a mother is a very intimate bond. This isn't to say that men can not have this feeling about their children, but it is a different kind of bond. Especially in my case, acknowledge that the pregnancy was real and that her feelings of loss are real. Don't ignore it, instead love the parents when they need it the most.
Second is something I briefly mentioned above. Acknowledged the loss. People want to know you are thinking about them and their children. We want to know that we are being prayed for, thought of, and taken care of. This applies to all aspects of loss, but especially in early pregnancy loss. I can honestly say that I had some horrible comments made to me after loosing a baby. Yes I didn't not get to feel my baby move or even hold them yet, but I still LOVED my child. I had dreams for them. When you loose a child, all of those dreams are dashed in an instant. You dream about their careers, their personalities, their hobbies, what you will teach them or what they will teach their children. You dream about every aspect of their life. When a child dies, it is very hard with the next one to have these dreams for them. You fear that they will be gone again, and sometimes when you let your guard down (as in my case) your dreams are once again shattered.
Finally, talk about it with the family. Offer to make them a meal or to do a load of laundry. Offer to walk their pets or to just sit with them for a while. Giving the family time to grieve in whatever way works for them helps them to accept what has happened and to get back to normal. I tried to get back to normal relatively quickly with my loss in March, but it also made things much more difficult. I was traveling within a few days of finding out. I had moments of forgetting while visiting with family, celebrating a wedding, and traveling, but I never stopped hurting. My daughter was my greatest comfort. She was my ray of sunshine in my darkest moments. My husband was my rock, hugging me when I needed it, calling to check in on me and just generally loving me the way I needed it.
I urge you if you have ever experienced a loss, no matter how old your child or family member was to find a project you can do to help you heal. Right now I am doing a project called capture your grief. You take photos of various things that are important to you. To say it has been healing would be an understatement. It has given me hope for this child. It has helped me to stay relaxed and it has helped me during a month I knew would be difficult. (Our due date was November 3) We love our babies, ALL of them and it has given me a chance to show that love for them.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Postpartum Depression
I have had a very heavy heart lately concerning this topic. Its one that is very difficult to talk about, but should be more often. As you can guess from the title of this post I'm talking about Postpartum Depression.
Depression of any kind is dark, ugly, and difficult to overcome. I have struggled with the issue for years and have been medicated for it for quite some time. Its not because I'm in a dark place spiritually, and its not because I want special attention. I just have learned that its something I have to deal with, and for the most part I do a good job of coping.
With all of that being said I was unfortunate enough to have suffered from Postpartum Depression. There is NOTHING more difficult that having a new child and trying to cope with depression. I was fortunate enough to have a spouse that was educated on what to look for and I had the foresight to know I needed to be aware of it as well. I spoke with my doctor before having my daughter and asked the tough questions. I asked her if there was anything I could do after her birth to try and head it off as much as possible. I also asked her what kinds of medications I could take while nursing to help me be as high functioning as I possibly could. I'm so glad I did, because when the wave finally caught up with me; I was prepared to fight back.
With all of that being said I have faced a few challenges that many new mothers don't have to face. On top of not having the birth outcome I had envisioned, I was struggling to hold myself, my daughter and my marriage together. I felt like running from it all. In fact on more than one occasion I told my spouse I wanted to give up on everything and start over. That's when he knew I was in real trouble. We talked about it together and I (reluctantly) called my doctor to schedule a visit to see what I could do to help myself. I was already on medication (as a preventative) but they were failing me.
I'm so thankful that Doctor Eaton heard my husband's concern and talked to me about how I was feeling. She changed my medication around a little bit and suggested I take a few vitamin supplements to ease the anxiety, the stress and the feelings of inadequacy. Within a few days I was feeling back to the way I felt before our daughter was born and I was able to cope with all of the information, suggestions, and new experiences being thrown my way.
I tell you all of these things not to toot my own horn, but to share with my friends and family that are new mothers or are going to be new mothers. Its a scary feeling, but there IS help out there. I know how alone I felt when the ugly words Postpartum Depression were slung my way and I don't want other moms feeling that they are dragging themselves though the difficult journey alone. I also want other moms to feel like they have some control, especially in the world of parenting where in the early days we have so very little control over ourselves. Finally I want people to know that they can talk to me about it. I didn't have anyone that I felt I could talk to about what I was going through. Its lonely to say the least, but it can make things a little less lonely if you have someone to talk to.
Depression of any kind is dark, ugly, and difficult to overcome. I have struggled with the issue for years and have been medicated for it for quite some time. Its not because I'm in a dark place spiritually, and its not because I want special attention. I just have learned that its something I have to deal with, and for the most part I do a good job of coping.
With all of that being said I was unfortunate enough to have suffered from Postpartum Depression. There is NOTHING more difficult that having a new child and trying to cope with depression. I was fortunate enough to have a spouse that was educated on what to look for and I had the foresight to know I needed to be aware of it as well. I spoke with my doctor before having my daughter and asked the tough questions. I asked her if there was anything I could do after her birth to try and head it off as much as possible. I also asked her what kinds of medications I could take while nursing to help me be as high functioning as I possibly could. I'm so glad I did, because when the wave finally caught up with me; I was prepared to fight back.
With all of that being said I have faced a few challenges that many new mothers don't have to face. On top of not having the birth outcome I had envisioned, I was struggling to hold myself, my daughter and my marriage together. I felt like running from it all. In fact on more than one occasion I told my spouse I wanted to give up on everything and start over. That's when he knew I was in real trouble. We talked about it together and I (reluctantly) called my doctor to schedule a visit to see what I could do to help myself. I was already on medication (as a preventative) but they were failing me.
I'm so thankful that Doctor Eaton heard my husband's concern and talked to me about how I was feeling. She changed my medication around a little bit and suggested I take a few vitamin supplements to ease the anxiety, the stress and the feelings of inadequacy. Within a few days I was feeling back to the way I felt before our daughter was born and I was able to cope with all of the information, suggestions, and new experiences being thrown my way.
I tell you all of these things not to toot my own horn, but to share with my friends and family that are new mothers or are going to be new mothers. Its a scary feeling, but there IS help out there. I know how alone I felt when the ugly words Postpartum Depression were slung my way and I don't want other moms feeling that they are dragging themselves though the difficult journey alone. I also want other moms to feel like they have some control, especially in the world of parenting where in the early days we have so very little control over ourselves. Finally I want people to know that they can talk to me about it. I didn't have anyone that I felt I could talk to about what I was going through. Its lonely to say the least, but it can make things a little less lonely if you have someone to talk to.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Alexandra's Surgery
I have no idea where to start this post, so I guess I should just start at the very beginning. About two weeks ago (On Christmas day to be exact) Alexandra developed a terrible case of constipation. It was so painful for her and she couldn't go not matter how hard she tried. My normally quiet as a church mouse baby was squealing for everything she was worth. I found myself talking to David about the problem and what we could do at home. Nothing we normally did was working for her. We finally decided to make the trek to the hospital to see if there was anything they could do for her.
When we arrived at East Tennessee Children's Hospital we were immediately whisked into a room where everything seemed to happen at record pace. We knew it would happen pretty quickly given her medical history and the fact that if her bowels weren't emptied soon it could hit the point of critical very quickly. Her doctor (who truly was an ANGEL) came in and did a quick exam. She found that Alex didn't even have an opening large enough to put a suppository in to aid in passing stool. For the life of me I wish I knew this woman's name! She was so sweet to our very upset and sick baby!
After her exam Allie started to pass some stool on her own, but it was tough going. She showed me some tricks her pediatrician did not show me and ways to help the rock hard stool pass. Alexandra cried for quite a while, but she was able to empty herself out enough to be semi-comfortable until the emergency room doctor could get an x-ray to see how far she was backed up and if we needed to do anything else. After the x-ray she still was backed up into her small intestine, so the doctor proceeded with an enema. It was excruciating to watch my little girl be in so much pain, but it had to be done. The last thing we wanted was a ruptured intestine, something that is deadly in both adults and children. I knew a little bit of pain temporarily would do wonders for her in the near future, so we agreed despite knowing how uncomfortable it would be for her.
Alex started moving again and the doctor felt confident enough that she was moving plenty of stool to send us home. She called the surgeon on call with the practice we went to and asked what our next steps should be. Dr. Fowler (the doctor who also did the surgery) suggested we follow up as soon as possible with the surgeon to find out what needed to be done. We made an appointment with Dr. Jensen, her original surgeon, and he felt that it was time to do the surgery, in spite of telling us just weeks before that everything looked good for the time being. David and I were very unsure about letting Dr. Jensen operate on our child, so we did some asking around about his reputation. We found out that he was fairly new out of medical school and not very experienced at doing the imperforate anus repairs. This left me feeling ill-at-ease and I felt that we needed to get a second opinion. We called and scheduled with Dr. Fowler, who I had heard WONDERFUL things about and who was VERY competent in the repair she would be doing. She agreed with Dr. Jensen's assesment, but also felt that we needed to be further informed about the process from admitting to surgery and beyond. In doing so we found out that Dr. Jensen, who felt it should be an outpatient procedure, was wrong. The surgery was going to be a lot more involved that I initially thought, but Dr. Fowler assured me that it was important that we do it soon since Alexandra had developed a prolapsed colon.
The week leading up to her surgery was terrible. I was full of anxiety and fear. I did not want to put my child through a painful procedure, even if it meant a better quality of life for her. I was torn and I didn't sleep much. The night before her surgery, when we were admitted for bowel prep I laid in a ball praying fervently that God would protect my child and guide the hand of the surgeon and her assistants. The fear was terrible, but in spite of the fear I also had a peace about the decision that we had made. I can't tell you how many times I cried and asked what I could have done while I was pregnant to keep Allie from having been born with the problem she had. I know logically that it wasn't my fault, but there is still a part of you as a mom that blames yourself. Its hard to explain, but I kept feeling like I did something wrong.
The next morning our dear friend Kara came to sit with David and I while we waited for Alexandra to be wheeled down to surgery. My heart was full of anxiety, fear, relief, love for her, and prayers. I mostly prayed that nothing terrible would happen to her while on the operating table. I know this is me having knowledge of what CAN happen on the operating table and of course watching too many medical dramas play out on TV. I honestly think that if Kara and David hadn't been there I don't think I would have made it through surgery day with my sanity intact. I cried a little bit, but I also spent a lot of time in prayer that day. It seemed to be the only thing that could calm my anxiety.
The two hours that she was under the knife were the worst two hours of my life. A few times I literally SHOOK with fear. I was terrified for my daughter, but the doctors were amazing. With each phase of surgery, I received phone calls with updates of her progress. I was told how long each part would take and when to expect another phone call. That helped with my anxiety too. I was able to walk around the hospital a bit to clear my head and David took a shift waiting on updates. It helped me to think and to not worry as much.
Shortly after surgery was over and the doctors began to wake her up, we were allowed to head back to her room. Within about a half an hour she was with us and I was able to hold her. Allie was in a little bit of pain, but nothing that wasn't manageable with pain medication and some snuggling. I was able to do skin to skin contact with her and that seemed to do wonders for her pain management. I wanted to nurse her so badly, and I can't even begin to say how hard it was not to have my baby close to me in that manner for an entire week!
Pain medications continued at regular intervals for three days after her surgery in order to keep her from having any bowel movements. This didn't work, but it did delay her first stool a whole day, giving the fresh wound time to seal a little bit. She was given IV antibiotics every six hours until she was discharged in order to stave off any infection that could have happened. With LOTS of prayers and the hard work of Dr. Fowler and her team, this never happened. I will be ever thankful this did NOT happen, as it would have required an other surgery right away to give her a colostomy. (Something NO ONE wanted to learn to care for!)
After five days of not being allowed to nurse Alexandra was allowed to eat. There is simply no way to describe how relieved I felt to be giving my daughter the milk she needed. Having her body close to my breast was like nothing I can ever describe. Allie seemed just as eager to be nursing as I was to have her nursing. She knew right away what those cues meant and she took to it like one takes to a bicycle after years of not riding. She was a little clumsy at first, but she soon remembered the basics.
After 24 hours of nursing and one good bowel movement later, Dr. Fowler checked her wound, gave her the thumbs up and scheduled an appointment for a week later to check that everything was healing well. We were allowed to go home, and I was praising God the whole way home, knowing that he was faithful to our family the entire time. An added bonus was we made it home in time to celebrate Christmas together as a family in our own home!
I can not say enough positive things about Doctor Fowler and her team. I also can not say anything negative about East Tennessee Children's Hospital. All were very positive experiences given the circumstances and EVERYONE took excellent care of our little girl. A huge thank you must be made to everyone who helped our family and prayed for Alexandra and has continued to pray for her. She is doing amazingly well now and is growing and thriving. She continues to be under the care of Doctor Fowler, however if all goes according to her treatment plan, she should be through with regularly scheduled visits as of next week. Our journey through this has, at times been challenging, but certainly worth all of the pain and work.
When we arrived at East Tennessee Children's Hospital we were immediately whisked into a room where everything seemed to happen at record pace. We knew it would happen pretty quickly given her medical history and the fact that if her bowels weren't emptied soon it could hit the point of critical very quickly. Her doctor (who truly was an ANGEL) came in and did a quick exam. She found that Alex didn't even have an opening large enough to put a suppository in to aid in passing stool. For the life of me I wish I knew this woman's name! She was so sweet to our very upset and sick baby!
After her exam Allie started to pass some stool on her own, but it was tough going. She showed me some tricks her pediatrician did not show me and ways to help the rock hard stool pass. Alexandra cried for quite a while, but she was able to empty herself out enough to be semi-comfortable until the emergency room doctor could get an x-ray to see how far she was backed up and if we needed to do anything else. After the x-ray she still was backed up into her small intestine, so the doctor proceeded with an enema. It was excruciating to watch my little girl be in so much pain, but it had to be done. The last thing we wanted was a ruptured intestine, something that is deadly in both adults and children. I knew a little bit of pain temporarily would do wonders for her in the near future, so we agreed despite knowing how uncomfortable it would be for her.
Alex started moving again and the doctor felt confident enough that she was moving plenty of stool to send us home. She called the surgeon on call with the practice we went to and asked what our next steps should be. Dr. Fowler (the doctor who also did the surgery) suggested we follow up as soon as possible with the surgeon to find out what needed to be done. We made an appointment with Dr. Jensen, her original surgeon, and he felt that it was time to do the surgery, in spite of telling us just weeks before that everything looked good for the time being. David and I were very unsure about letting Dr. Jensen operate on our child, so we did some asking around about his reputation. We found out that he was fairly new out of medical school and not very experienced at doing the imperforate anus repairs. This left me feeling ill-at-ease and I felt that we needed to get a second opinion. We called and scheduled with Dr. Fowler, who I had heard WONDERFUL things about and who was VERY competent in the repair she would be doing. She agreed with Dr. Jensen's assesment, but also felt that we needed to be further informed about the process from admitting to surgery and beyond. In doing so we found out that Dr. Jensen, who felt it should be an outpatient procedure, was wrong. The surgery was going to be a lot more involved that I initially thought, but Dr. Fowler assured me that it was important that we do it soon since Alexandra had developed a prolapsed colon.
The week leading up to her surgery was terrible. I was full of anxiety and fear. I did not want to put my child through a painful procedure, even if it meant a better quality of life for her. I was torn and I didn't sleep much. The night before her surgery, when we were admitted for bowel prep I laid in a ball praying fervently that God would protect my child and guide the hand of the surgeon and her assistants. The fear was terrible, but in spite of the fear I also had a peace about the decision that we had made. I can't tell you how many times I cried and asked what I could have done while I was pregnant to keep Allie from having been born with the problem she had. I know logically that it wasn't my fault, but there is still a part of you as a mom that blames yourself. Its hard to explain, but I kept feeling like I did something wrong.
The next morning our dear friend Kara came to sit with David and I while we waited for Alexandra to be wheeled down to surgery. My heart was full of anxiety, fear, relief, love for her, and prayers. I mostly prayed that nothing terrible would happen to her while on the operating table. I know this is me having knowledge of what CAN happen on the operating table and of course watching too many medical dramas play out on TV. I honestly think that if Kara and David hadn't been there I don't think I would have made it through surgery day with my sanity intact. I cried a little bit, but I also spent a lot of time in prayer that day. It seemed to be the only thing that could calm my anxiety.
The two hours that she was under the knife were the worst two hours of my life. A few times I literally SHOOK with fear. I was terrified for my daughter, but the doctors were amazing. With each phase of surgery, I received phone calls with updates of her progress. I was told how long each part would take and when to expect another phone call. That helped with my anxiety too. I was able to walk around the hospital a bit to clear my head and David took a shift waiting on updates. It helped me to think and to not worry as much.
Shortly after surgery was over and the doctors began to wake her up, we were allowed to head back to her room. Within about a half an hour she was with us and I was able to hold her. Allie was in a little bit of pain, but nothing that wasn't manageable with pain medication and some snuggling. I was able to do skin to skin contact with her and that seemed to do wonders for her pain management. I wanted to nurse her so badly, and I can't even begin to say how hard it was not to have my baby close to me in that manner for an entire week!
Pain medications continued at regular intervals for three days after her surgery in order to keep her from having any bowel movements. This didn't work, but it did delay her first stool a whole day, giving the fresh wound time to seal a little bit. She was given IV antibiotics every six hours until she was discharged in order to stave off any infection that could have happened. With LOTS of prayers and the hard work of Dr. Fowler and her team, this never happened. I will be ever thankful this did NOT happen, as it would have required an other surgery right away to give her a colostomy. (Something NO ONE wanted to learn to care for!)
After five days of not being allowed to nurse Alexandra was allowed to eat. There is simply no way to describe how relieved I felt to be giving my daughter the milk she needed. Having her body close to my breast was like nothing I can ever describe. Allie seemed just as eager to be nursing as I was to have her nursing. She knew right away what those cues meant and she took to it like one takes to a bicycle after years of not riding. She was a little clumsy at first, but she soon remembered the basics.
After 24 hours of nursing and one good bowel movement later, Dr. Fowler checked her wound, gave her the thumbs up and scheduled an appointment for a week later to check that everything was healing well. We were allowed to go home, and I was praising God the whole way home, knowing that he was faithful to our family the entire time. An added bonus was we made it home in time to celebrate Christmas together as a family in our own home!
I can not say enough positive things about Doctor Fowler and her team. I also can not say anything negative about East Tennessee Children's Hospital. All were very positive experiences given the circumstances and EVERYONE took excellent care of our little girl. A huge thank you must be made to everyone who helped our family and prayed for Alexandra and has continued to pray for her. She is doing amazingly well now and is growing and thriving. She continues to be under the care of Doctor Fowler, however if all goes according to her treatment plan, she should be through with regularly scheduled visits as of next week. Our journey through this has, at times been challenging, but certainly worth all of the pain and work.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!
Just in case you live under a rock, Thursday is Thanksgiving. ;-) I have begun to make my preparations for the holiday dinner and it has been more fun this year than last. Namely because we are not getting ready to make a move across town (or anywhere for that matter) and because I'm not curled over the toilet with "morning" sickness. I'm also happy because this year that little inconvenience has resulted in our beautiful daughter.
I made today my pies, cornbread, and cranberry sauce. I have cooked a little differently this year than in years past in an effort to make the meal a little healthier for our family. I have also included on the menu a few things that are not traditional for a two person gathering, but that are important for my husband to have for the holiday. (The specialty cheese/relish tray) The relish tray is NOT a healthy thing, but I figure "Heck, thanksgiving only comes once a year. Why not indulge a little bit?!"
I have also started to drag out the Christmas decorations. I'm late this year getting up my Christmas tree, but thats okay. I will just leave it up for a little while longer than normal. :-) When I put up my Christmas decor I deep clean my house, so needless to say it has been a VERY busy couple of days here!
Also some very exciting things have been happening in our home in the way of Alexandra's development. Last week we started feeding her solid foods. We started with bananas for three days and she LOVED them! Then we moved on to sweet potatoes. She was somewhat indifferent about them, but she DID eat them. Today we tried apples and I have to say my kid LOVES her fruit! :-)
Allie has also started to sit up on her own for short periods of time. I'm so proud of her as this was somewhat of a surprise to us. We didn't think she would be doing that for several more months. She has also started to lift her hips off of the ground by pushing up with her feet. I fear by Christmas we will be chasing around our little crawler! Who knows, she may surprise us and take much longer to do so, and I'm okay with that. :-)
She is also reaching and grabbing for EVERYTHING! We have to make sure that little things are off of the floor and out of her arms reach when we are holding her. She has figured out that if she wants something she can roll straight away to it and grab it. That includes the dogs. Odin thinks its funny to lay in her path and let her catch him. Its like their own strange version of tag. Lucy on the other hand gets a bit grumpy with the baby and give her the "evil eye" while stalking off to our bedroom to hide from her. I think Alexandra thinks its funny since it always seems to illicit a giggle from her lips when she grabs a (rather large) hand full of Lucy's fur.
Allie has also taken to putting her hands all over our faces. For some strange reason she has a thing for noses and mouths. We think its kind of gross and we have to gently tell her no and redirect her hands away from our noses. A few times she has tried to put her fingers IN our nostrils and of course that gets a gross reaction in which she grins widely and sometimes giggles. For the most part we don't mind though, as long as she doesn't poke us in the eye. :-)
I made today my pies, cornbread, and cranberry sauce. I have cooked a little differently this year than in years past in an effort to make the meal a little healthier for our family. I have also included on the menu a few things that are not traditional for a two person gathering, but that are important for my husband to have for the holiday. (The specialty cheese/relish tray) The relish tray is NOT a healthy thing, but I figure "Heck, thanksgiving only comes once a year. Why not indulge a little bit?!"
I have also started to drag out the Christmas decorations. I'm late this year getting up my Christmas tree, but thats okay. I will just leave it up for a little while longer than normal. :-) When I put up my Christmas decor I deep clean my house, so needless to say it has been a VERY busy couple of days here!
Also some very exciting things have been happening in our home in the way of Alexandra's development. Last week we started feeding her solid foods. We started with bananas for three days and she LOVED them! Then we moved on to sweet potatoes. She was somewhat indifferent about them, but she DID eat them. Today we tried apples and I have to say my kid LOVES her fruit! :-)
Allie has also started to sit up on her own for short periods of time. I'm so proud of her as this was somewhat of a surprise to us. We didn't think she would be doing that for several more months. She has also started to lift her hips off of the ground by pushing up with her feet. I fear by Christmas we will be chasing around our little crawler! Who knows, she may surprise us and take much longer to do so, and I'm okay with that. :-)
She is also reaching and grabbing for EVERYTHING! We have to make sure that little things are off of the floor and out of her arms reach when we are holding her. She has figured out that if she wants something she can roll straight away to it and grab it. That includes the dogs. Odin thinks its funny to lay in her path and let her catch him. Its like their own strange version of tag. Lucy on the other hand gets a bit grumpy with the baby and give her the "evil eye" while stalking off to our bedroom to hide from her. I think Alexandra thinks its funny since it always seems to illicit a giggle from her lips when she grabs a (rather large) hand full of Lucy's fur.
Allie has also taken to putting her hands all over our faces. For some strange reason she has a thing for noses and mouths. We think its kind of gross and we have to gently tell her no and redirect her hands away from our noses. A few times she has tried to put her fingers IN our nostrils and of course that gets a gross reaction in which she grins widely and sometimes giggles. For the most part we don't mind though, as long as she doesn't poke us in the eye. :-)
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Alexandra's Health
The for the past week I have been really having trouble sleeping. For those few days I have been rolling around in my mind a lot of things concerning Alexandra and trying to put myself at ease concerning her health. I know its not easy to do this and I can't seem to stop thinking about the "What ifs" and the "Whens."
When Alexandra was born she was diagnosed with a Anterior Displaced Anus. What this means is that our little girl's anus is too far "north" and though its a fairly minor birth defect it still comes with its risks. The first being that since its so far north it is placed too close to her genitals and if she gets a really bad case of constipation it could rupture through causing all sorts of unwanted issues. That also leaves us with another problem that she is VERY prone to getting constipation. Its a scary cycle.
I have been living with the fear for four months that eventually my beautiful little girl will have to have surgery. NOT an easy pill for a mom, and a new mom at that, to have to swallow. My husband, being the more relaxed parent, helps to keep me calm on those rare days I fall apart thinking about the prospect of what is to eventually come. I thank God for him so much on these days! With out his calm disposition I would probably have gone mad thinking about everything.
That being said there are some very real risks to a small child having surgery. Its something I'm scared to death to think about. There is something about hearing the words "Your child needs surgery" that sends an immediate shock of fear running through your veins. I honestly believe that its the hardest thing I have ever heard come out of a doctors mouth, even if it was followed by "not at the moment, but soon." Yes I know there are far more terrible things that Alexandra could have been born with, but its so unfair to see my daughter being subjected to test after test as well as poke after poke from doctors. So far at this point she has passed all of the major important tests, some necessary others not so much. It just sends me reeling when I see another appointment on the books.
I have told David many times that I would give anything to trade Allie places so that she doesn't have to go through this. I have found myself asking if I had any part in what happened. I ask myself a lot if there was something I could have done to be certain that she was in perfect health when she was born. Upon reflection the answer is no. I took all of my prenatal vitamins (heck I still take them even though I have no immediate plans of having a baby!!). I was very careful to stay away from chemicals that were harmful during pregnancy. I was obsessive about exercising every caution known to man while pregnant. Yet still I find myself playing the blame game and second guessing myself.
With that being said I am VERY cautious to keep Alexandra from getting into trouble. I have taken great pains to keep her breastfeeding as well as keeping a strict "No Solids" policy. I have also kept track of her bowl movements more obsessively than any parent should. (Yeah I know its kind of gross) I have also been faithful in keeping every appointment her doctors make for her screenings, check ups, and consults even when I have felt it wasn't a necessary appointment. I track her developmental process compared to where she should be and I'm proud to say that she is at or above what the doctors expect of a four month old child. :-)
So overall despite my wishes to take Alexandra's place with this minor annoyance she has received, she is doing well and thriving. Now if this mommy could just relax and let go all would be perfect.
When Alexandra was born she was diagnosed with a Anterior Displaced Anus. What this means is that our little girl's anus is too far "north" and though its a fairly minor birth defect it still comes with its risks. The first being that since its so far north it is placed too close to her genitals and if she gets a really bad case of constipation it could rupture through causing all sorts of unwanted issues. That also leaves us with another problem that she is VERY prone to getting constipation. Its a scary cycle.
I have been living with the fear for four months that eventually my beautiful little girl will have to have surgery. NOT an easy pill for a mom, and a new mom at that, to have to swallow. My husband, being the more relaxed parent, helps to keep me calm on those rare days I fall apart thinking about the prospect of what is to eventually come. I thank God for him so much on these days! With out his calm disposition I would probably have gone mad thinking about everything.
That being said there are some very real risks to a small child having surgery. Its something I'm scared to death to think about. There is something about hearing the words "Your child needs surgery" that sends an immediate shock of fear running through your veins. I honestly believe that its the hardest thing I have ever heard come out of a doctors mouth, even if it was followed by "not at the moment, but soon." Yes I know there are far more terrible things that Alexandra could have been born with, but its so unfair to see my daughter being subjected to test after test as well as poke after poke from doctors. So far at this point she has passed all of the major important tests, some necessary others not so much. It just sends me reeling when I see another appointment on the books.
I have told David many times that I would give anything to trade Allie places so that she doesn't have to go through this. I have found myself asking if I had any part in what happened. I ask myself a lot if there was something I could have done to be certain that she was in perfect health when she was born. Upon reflection the answer is no. I took all of my prenatal vitamins (heck I still take them even though I have no immediate plans of having a baby!!). I was very careful to stay away from chemicals that were harmful during pregnancy. I was obsessive about exercising every caution known to man while pregnant. Yet still I find myself playing the blame game and second guessing myself.
With that being said I am VERY cautious to keep Alexandra from getting into trouble. I have taken great pains to keep her breastfeeding as well as keeping a strict "No Solids" policy. I have also kept track of her bowl movements more obsessively than any parent should. (Yeah I know its kind of gross) I have also been faithful in keeping every appointment her doctors make for her screenings, check ups, and consults even when I have felt it wasn't a necessary appointment. I track her developmental process compared to where she should be and I'm proud to say that she is at or above what the doctors expect of a four month old child. :-)
So overall despite my wishes to take Alexandra's place with this minor annoyance she has received, she is doing well and thriving. Now if this mommy could just relax and let go all would be perfect.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)