Where has the time gone?

Saturday our little girl will be two months old. She is growing quickly and learning new things everyday. In a way this makes me smile because I know I'm doing a great job raising her and teaching her. In some ways it makes me sad. I have been thinking a lot the last couple days about how my family and friends have warned me that I will miss this season of Alexandra's life. Oh how I only wish it were not true! Gone are the days where I feel overwhelmed caring for this little life. Gone are the moments of peace and quiet. Most sadly, gone are the moments of blissfulness while holding my new child. All has been replaced by a routine, moments of loud coos, smiles, and little wiggles.

There is nothing more I love than saying "This is my daughter." I love looking at my husband and thanking God for the union that he created leading to this precious life. She is beautiful and she is OURS to teach and direct. I love seeing her smile at her Daddy and look at the world full of wonder. Its beautiful.

In the last month I have come to appreciate the role of my heavenly father far more than I ever thought possible. I look at my child full of love and am reminded how my God looks at ME with that same kind of love. I think about how in a few months we will be asked as parents to take on the roles of disciplinarian and how God is my teacher. I see how he loves me in such a way that only a parent could understand.

I look forward to her third month and seeing all of the exciting things she will learn in this next month. I find myself asking "What will I learn?" and "How can I teach her?" I want to be the best mommy I can possibly be. I want to teach her and let her grow to be a strong young woman. I'm sure that in the end of this coming month I will also look back with the same love and sadness that I have upon the last two months.

The Joys of Motherhood

Wednesday is a milestone for our little family! Alexandra will be a month old! How excited am I?! A lot, but there is also a large part of me that is sad to have seen this first month go by so quickly. I LOVE motherhood. Its everything I thought it would be and more. I have taken to it like a fish to water. Its something I have ALWAYS wanted and now that she is here with us, making our family that much more complete, I can't imagine it in any other way. I look at her, and though we have had a few minor setbacks in the beginning, she is beautiful and perfect to me. I love her more than I ever thought possible. I understand a parents love a lot more thoroughly now that I have become a mother.

That being said I have also seen a side to my husband that warms my heart. I have seen him grow up a lot and at the same time revisit his childhood. Its an aspect of him that I have not experienced before and it makes me smile. He is so gentle with our daughter and instead of tuning her out (like some new fathers do) he finds the joy in spending time with her. He has even creatively found a way to spend time with her while doing the things he loves. (Here you see him playing a video game with Alex on his lap. I know the photo is dark, but I HAD to share it)


I have learned that with a baby in the house, its not unusual to be spit up on or pooped on at some point during the day. I have also learned that sleep is a valuable commodity and when you can grab some, DO IT! I have also learned that my formally quiet home is no longer quiet! Never in my life did I think for once I would value a little quiet, but boy am I missing it now! (I say this as I just finished soothing a very fussy hungry baby who was screaming....) I also have learned that MY world is no longer MY world. It now revolves around diaper changes, bath time, feedings, sleep time, and laundry. My word the amount of laundry a little baby can make amazes me! I don't mind though, its all for her.

I have also learned in this past month that sneaking in quiet time with my husband is going to be tricky! Just about the time we sit on the couch to watch a movie or I snuggle in beside him to have one of our formally long talks.... she starts crying. I usually laugh, look at David and say "Our daughter has impeccable timing!" Something as simple as sitting down to eat a meal together has become more tricky. Now life involves balancing a baby on my lap, a fork in my hand and trying to eat without spilling on her! I laughed to myself this evening when attempting to cook dinner the baby started crying. "My fault"I thought, "I should have looked at the clock!" She was due for a feeding and I didn't realize it when I put dinner in the oven. Thankfully David was home and he was able to assist me in getting it out of the oven with out it burning! I have also learned through all of this that we work really well as a team. When I get discouraged, he is there to encourage me to keep at it. When he feels frustrated, I am there to help him out. We work together, even when we have our differences in how things should be done.

I have also started to realize that I can't always have things my way. Sometimes I am DEAD wrong and I have been forced to eat a few pieces of humble pie in the last four weeks. Its okay. I am only human after all. In realizing this I have been forced to laugh at myself. I'm finding out really quickly that if you don't have a sense of humor about kids, life is going to be PRETTY miserable. Its okay though, being a mom is what I want and what I feel I will be good at. I'm not good at school, I'm not that great at any one particular skill, but what I AM good at is nurturing. I always have been. And with that being said I have found the Joys of Motherhood. Its very special. Its a gift we waited a long time for and one we had a lot of heart ache to get to. We love our little girl and we are proud to call ourselves her parents. She is our joy and I know one day she will do great things. I don't care what those things are, only that they will be great. God has blessed us with her and we pray deeply that she will know the love we have for her is only a fraction of what God feels for her. Its unconditional and its forever. :-)

Baby Alexandra Danielle

A week and a half ago today our world was totally changed! Allie was born June 27, 2011 at 9:57pm via c-section. What a crazy ride it was!! What started out as a routine induction turned to a c-section pretty fast. My labor failed to progress beyond 4cm and the doctor felt that I had stalled enough that I would not progress on my own with out harming myself or baby Allie. Words can not describe how frustrated, upset, and disappointed I was to have to have a quick surgery that I was not planning on. Looking back, if I knew what I know now, I would have NEVER done the induction, but given the information that my doctor told me, I thought I was doing what was best for our baby and for myself. (Perhaps I should back up and explain a little bit)

A week before the baby was scheduled to come my doctor and I met for a routine appointment. She felt that my placenta was failing and that baby was much larger than she actually was (the doctors were estimating her to be about 8lbs). In her opinion (and in mine) it was time to get the baby out. I could buy about a weeks worth of time, but that was about it without running the risk of the placenta detaching and causing a whole number of problems. We scheduled the induction and the date was set. Mom came down to help us prepare the house in the days following her birth and to offer support to myself and David during the delivery. At 12 am on June 27 I went in for the induction (stupid hour of the day!) and began pitocin as well as antibiotics for group b strep (a common bacteria in moms). After about 16hrs of labor, 12 of them after my water broke, the doctor on call brought the choice to us to have a c-section or wait a little longer, as I was not in danger, nor was Allie. We decided to give it one more go, but my body just wouldn't cooperate.

I was so disappointed and I cried knowing that my birthplan just didn't get to happen. I was taken back to the operating room where they prepped me for surgery. I kept asking for David, as I was so scared about what was happening and all I wanted was my husband to comfort me while I waited for Ale to get here. I kept shaking from the medicine and they brought David in (the anesthesiologist kept me calm in the mean time by talking to me and reassuring me we were both okay). David sat beside my head and talked to me to keep me calm until Ale was out. From there its all a blur and I don't remember much until the next day. I was so exhausted that once they put the medications in to help with the pain I pretty much slept. I'm grateful now that Ale is safe and here with us, but I wish it had gone a little differently. Nothing changes the outcome though and I am happy to have my beautiful daughter here.

Its HERE!

I must first apologize to the ones I love who read this blog and have been checking to see if I have updated recently, I must say I have been quite lazy about getting into town to put updates online. That being said, our happy little home is doing well! :-)

David and I found out in February that we are expecting a little girl and I couldn't be more thrilled (he is too)! We have chosen the name Alexandra Danielle. When we chose her name we wanted it to have a special meaning that held significance for us as parents and also for what we believe in. Alexandra means "defender of man kind" and Danielle means "God is my Judge." Danielle also holds an extra special place in my heart as it is the feminine form of my late grandfather's name.

We have set up the nursery and started all of the major prep work for baby to get here. When we went to the doctor last Wednesday Alex was head down and had dropped a bit. (Scary!!!) The alarm bells of the mother of all instincts have been triggered (nesting) and panic mode has started to set in about the prospect of being a parent very soon! Though I can't say this isn't something I have wanted for a long time (heck if we're honest I wanted to be a mother within a few short months of getting married) I can also honestly say that I am scared silly about being responsible for something so small and helpless. I sometimes find myself looking at my growing belly and thinking "Are you nuts?! You might ruin this precious little girl!"

Admittedly I have always been made to be a mother, I've known this fact for years, but nothing can ever prepare you for the harsh reality of becoming a parent. I'm scared in so many ways that I can hardly express them all. I never knew what I was ACTUALLY getting myself into, but I do know that I love our little girl more than anything I ever thought possible. She is the most precious gift and as I grow and prepare to become a mother my love for her and for my husband grows daily.

Prayer

Today is the day my grandmother goes to Indy to find out what is going to happen concerning a potential treatment she is seeking for her cancer. I find myself praying a lot more lately, and maybe its a change in me, or maybe its a change in circumstances, it my conversations with God seem to me more frequent. I find myself laying in bed at night asking God to bless our family, to heal my grandmother, to mend broken hearts and to ease my anxieties about becoming a mother. I find myself getting frustrated and praying, asking God about what is going to happen next.

I wouldn't be honest with you if I didn't say that I am also very frightened by facing the challenges that I am about to. I am facing becoming a mother, and that is no small task. I am constantly fearful that the baby isn't okay and that something will be wrong with him/her. I am finding myself praying to God for peace of mind daily and asking him to grant me peace during this transition. I am also fearful about hte fate that my grandmother may be facing. I think about the fact that I feel she has gotten a raw deal and that I am often angry about it.

In all of these fears and anxieties I am finding peace and comfort in knowing that God has ultimate control over everything and that he has granted me the peace I so desire when I ask him for it. I don't understand it, and I probably never will, but he is there for me when I need him the absolute most. I thank him for the peace and I thank him for his love that carries me through even in the most difficult of times.

UGH!

This week seems to have dragged on forever! I feel as though I have been living in fast foward and slow motion at the same time. Thats the best way I can describe it. Monday is the big day that we find out what my grandma is going to do about her cancer. (for those of you that don't know it has returned) and we are praying that she makes the right choice and doesn't choose something that will lead to much pain and suffering for us all. We know the reality of what she is facing is bad, really bad, and that the truth is there probably isn't much hope. It makes me sad and it makes me angry all at the same time.

On the heels of this worry we also found out that a dear friend of ours suddenly lost his father on Tuesday evening. Our hearts are broken for him and his family. I know personally the heartache of a sudden loss of someone that you love very much and how hard it can be to cope with the emotions that come along with that heartache. We have been praying for his family that God will comfort them and give them peace in this most difficult time. We know that tears will be abundant and that thier hearts will hurt for many years to come.

On the opposite side of the coin we have experienced continued joy over our child. It is growing and moving about like crazy. We love feeling the joy that comes along with starting a family of our own. Its an experiencs that I am happy to enjoy for th time being. I, unlike many women, enjoy being pregnant and find the changes that my body is going through to be fun. I find that with each day my love for my child grows greatly and I find myself dreaming about the future of our family. I find that my husband is changing and finding the joy in our growing family as well. I'm so proud of him and how excited he is to be a father. I am truly blessed to have a partner that has found the joy and excitment in becoming a father.

Why I chose to cloth Diaper

So I have been getting many questions from people about why I have chosen to cloth diaper since I put up a status on Facebook asking people some questions concerning cloth diapering. I know some of you are looking at me thinking I'm totally crazy, and that's okay. Before you ask though, and jump to conclusions about cloth diapering, hear me out about why I chose this alternative.

1. COST
Yes, I'm aware that the upfront cost of cloth diapers are expensive, but in the long run cloth diapers are far less expensive. Lets break down the cost of a box of diapers per day including diapers, disposal, and cleanup. 14.97 for the box of diapers that roughly will last you 5 days plus 1.35 for a .09 tax rate (according to Tennessee) lets assume that you need to buy another box so add 3.26/ day onto that total. That brings the total for diapers alone for one week to 22.85. Wipes are an additional 6.50/week (assuming you use a lot of wipes, this is one box) and tax on those wipes are 0.59, bring your total for wipes per week to 7.09. Disposal is another issue, so lets tack on about 2.00 (this is conservative and based on a guess/ day cost). The total cost to diaper a child for a week is 31.94.

As you can see from the above caluclations (using generic brand diapers from Wal-Mart and assuming you child has no allergies) that the cost to diaper a child is expensive. Now lets look at the cost of cloth diapers. The start up cost for cloth diapers (the fancy, adjustable kind) is 237 for 18 diapers. Tax is 21.33 on 18 diapers, bringing the total up to 258.33. Now lets divide this by 30 and we get 8.61 for an average month to diaper your child. Remember, that as time goes on, the cost per day does decreases, as you are using the diapers over and over again. For a 96 oz container of All Free and Clear it costs 12.00 plus 1.08 for tax making it cost 0.14 per oz. A small load of laundry takes 1 oz of this liquid, so this brings the total up to 4.09/ month to wash one load a day. For 28.36/ month for wipes (using above calculations). So for a total of 41.06 a month you can diaper a child. that sure is a heck of a lot of savings!

2. Safety
Research has shown that the stuff inside disposable diapers that make them extremely toxic to children and pets. I have two dogs. Odin has a nasty habit of getting into the trash if something smells intersting or he has never smelled before. The last thing I want to do is be running my dog to the vet in the middle of the night because he has swallowed the stuff from inside of a diaper by chewing it up. Not to mention the tabs have been known to cause choking in children and pets. Call me paranoid, but you can never be too careful.

3. Enviromental impact
Some would say this is silly, but my diapers and child's waste will not be sitting in a landfill. Instead it can be sent to a waste water treatment plant and keep those nasty chemicals from leaching into the land.

4. They are healthier
Reusuable diapers have a lower instance of diaper rash as well as allergic reactions. Knowing what I know about my husband and myself, skin allergies will potentially be a big problem. Both of us have allergies and this seemed like a good way to avoid this problem.

So as you can see it was a pretty simple choice for me. Yes there are cons too, and as I have said on multiple times, I am not going to be a diaper snob. If someone gives me dispoable diapers I will use them. I'll be very greatful for the gift and be happy to use them. I am also practicle about diapers and know that there will be sometimes that I will have to use disposable diapers (traveling, church, when I run out of cloth) and know that flexiblity is important in parenting an infant. I have to do whats best for my child and this is what I felt was best for mine. Again I know there are people out there that don't always agree with it, and think its silly, but the pros far outweighed the cons. Its something I have thought through and have researched a lot.

I also know there will be some people out there that will feel the need to try and convince me that what we have decided is silly, and maybe even stupid to them, but I ask you to consider it from my standpoint. At the very least if you have questions, just research it a little bit more and learn about cloth diapering, you might be surprised about what you can learn. And you might be surprised to learn that its not as difficult as it once was. :-)