The for the past week I have been really having trouble sleeping. For those few days I have been rolling around in my mind a lot of things concerning Alexandra and trying to put myself at ease concerning her health. I know its not easy to do this and I can't seem to stop thinking about the "What ifs" and the "Whens."
When Alexandra was born she was diagnosed with a Anterior Displaced Anus. What this means is that our little girl's anus is too far "north" and though its a fairly minor birth defect it still comes with its risks. The first being that since its so far north it is placed too close to her genitals and if she gets a really bad case of constipation it could rupture through causing all sorts of unwanted issues. That also leaves us with another problem that she is VERY prone to getting constipation. Its a scary cycle.
I have been living with the fear for four months that eventually my beautiful little girl will have to have surgery. NOT an easy pill for a mom, and a new mom at that, to have to swallow. My husband, being the more relaxed parent, helps to keep me calm on those rare days I fall apart thinking about the prospect of what is to eventually come. I thank God for him so much on these days! With out his calm disposition I would probably have gone mad thinking about everything.
That being said there are some very real risks to a small child having surgery. Its something I'm scared to death to think about. There is something about hearing the words "Your child needs surgery" that sends an immediate shock of fear running through your veins. I honestly believe that its the hardest thing I have ever heard come out of a doctors mouth, even if it was followed by "not at the moment, but soon." Yes I know there are far more terrible things that Alexandra could have been born with, but its so unfair to see my daughter being subjected to test after test as well as poke after poke from doctors. So far at this point she has passed all of the major important tests, some necessary others not so much. It just sends me reeling when I see another appointment on the books.
I have told David many times that I would give anything to trade Allie places so that she doesn't have to go through this. I have found myself asking if I had any part in what happened. I ask myself a lot if there was something I could have done to be certain that she was in perfect health when she was born. Upon reflection the answer is no. I took all of my prenatal vitamins (heck I still take them even though I have no immediate plans of having a baby!!). I was very careful to stay away from chemicals that were harmful during pregnancy. I was obsessive about exercising every caution known to man while pregnant. Yet still I find myself playing the blame game and second guessing myself.
With that being said I am VERY cautious to keep Alexandra from getting into trouble. I have taken great pains to keep her breastfeeding as well as keeping a strict "No Solids" policy. I have also kept track of her bowl movements more obsessively than any parent should. (Yeah I know its kind of gross) I have also been faithful in keeping every appointment her doctors make for her screenings, check ups, and consults even when I have felt it wasn't a necessary appointment. I track her developmental process compared to where she should be and I'm proud to say that she is at or above what the doctors expect of a four month old child. :-)
So overall despite my wishes to take Alexandra's place with this minor annoyance she has received, she is doing well and thriving. Now if this mommy could just relax and let go all would be perfect.
