I'll admit it, I am less than "conventional" in my parenting choices. This much is evident just by looking at my photos on Facebook or having a five minute conversation with me. We co-sleep so I can get the maximum amount of sleep that feeding a newborn/infant demands, I babywear, I believe in natural child birth, my son is uncircumcised, I believe in using natural medicine the majority of the time (but acknowledge that Western Medicine DOES have it's place), and I believe in gentle disciple. While home this weekend visiting family I was given many "are you crazy?!" looks when some of these facts came to light. It's true, in some people's eyes I am a bit crazy, but it is okay.
Here is the thing. I don't feel that as a mom I should have to constantly defend my choices to parent the way I feel is most effective. I don't question you when you make a choice that I am not on board with. I do what is best for my family in my personal opinion. Sometimes those choices are not even the same amongst myself and my spouse, but we do the best that we can because that's what we know we should do. We aren't perfect, but we love our two children.
I don't usually broadcast to the world about my feelings concerning circumcision, so I had one person that was highly surprised to find out that we did not have Nathaniel circumcised. The biggest reason for me was that I did not want to put my child under the knife for a cosmetic surgery when it was not needed. If he chooses to have it done later in life, it was his choice and I will support that. Truthfully, having my daughter's ears pierced without her having a say about it was one of my biggest parenting regrets. I believe that circumcision is a HIGHLY personal choice, just as personal as who you vote for or your religious faith and not one that should EVER be questioned. You don't know my reasons and I don't feel I have to explain them to you.
Yet another example is my choice to breastfeed. Please people, if a mom is breastfeeding, PLEASE, PLEASE ,PLEASE, PLEASE, do not suggest to her that "maybe they are still hungry" or "maybe a little formula wouldn't hurt them." There are some people that are so "old school" on this thought that they have a closed mind and are not willing to be educated on breastfeeding a baby. Yes, I know my babies eat frequently and sometimes for super long periods of time, but that is NORMAL for them. I don't mind (most days) and know that this is but a short season in their lives, before long he will be too busy and too independent for me to enjoy this special time. All this does is to accomplish is discourage a breastfeeding mom and make her feel as though she is inadequate.
And finally, please be respectful of our choices. No matter if you are a friend or family, if a mom or dad says something concerning their child, respect their wishes. If a mom says "I do not want my child to have too much television time." then the logical thing would be to honor her wish and limit television time. If a dad says "We don't let them have sweets." honor that wish, regardless of how you feel about the parents choices, if they are not directly harming their children, who cares what they choose? Shut your mouth, sit down and honor their requests, it isn't your place to interject your thoughts or feelings unless they ASK you.
Yes I know in recent years I have become more outspoken about my feelings, but the fact of the matter is when it comes to my children I really don't give a darn what you think, they are my children and I will parent them how I feel is best. I know that this whole post is a bit of a rant, but there so many more things I could cover that I didn't even get into.
Friday, September 6, 2013
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
VMA Debacle
Well, as you can guess my title, I am writing about the VMA's. Without hesitation I will proudly admit that I did not watch it. In recent years I have decided to consciously quite watching much MTV, though admittedly I DO still watch re-runs of Teen Mom and 16 and Pregnant when my kid's aren't around, I have made a conscious effort in recent history to try and set an example of positive television for my children.
Okay, now that I have admitted that I did not watch them, I will write what I have to. I am a mom, and as such I look at the world through a whole new set of eyes. I see things in both positive and negative lights. I read enough on the VMA debacle to feel confident is saying that it was just exactly that, a debacle of the greatest proportions.
First let's address the Miley situation. I'm sorry, this was not appropriate in the least bit. I do NOT want my daughter watching her and thinking it is okay to behave in such an awful manner. Sexuality is fine. I have no problem with it. In fact, I feel it is healthy... in the right context. For me, that is in a loving committed relationship (yes, I'm talking marriage here) and in the privacy of your own home. There is no way I would be caught dead prancing around groping a man's crotch (who is MARRIED and a FATHER!) or behaving so lewdly! And heaven help either of my children if they were caught behaving this way. No joke, they would not see the light of day for a month. Yeah, I'm that mom.
When did it become okay for a woman to behave this way. Look, I'm all for women's rights. I fancy myself somewhat of a feminist, but being a feminist does not equate to being a slut. Being a feminist equates to respect for yourself, loving your body no matter what it looks like and loving other women just the way they are. It also means giving women a voice. I'm not talking about a voice that gives them an excuse to behave in such a manner as to disrespect themselves, but a voice to speak up for what is right. And what is right here is for her to have enough self respect to say "I'm beautiful, just the way I am. I don't need a man's attention to prove that and I don't need the world's attention to prove that."
We have fallen so far away from what it means to have self respect that girls are now finding it attractive to thrust themselves upon men like they are some consolation prize. Girls, I have news for you. You deserve so much more respect than this! You are not a conquest. You deserve to find a man that treats you as a special gift, perfect and beautiful just the way you are. You deserve to find a man who will work with you, being your partner and helpmate, building you up along the way. You do not deserve to feel that being immodest is going to get you the attention you so desire. In fact all it does is end up in a broken heart and a lonely home. Having the courage to stand up in the face of what the world tells us is sexy is what it means to have self respect. Having faith that you are beautiful just the way you are is enough and the sexiest thing in the world.
Now that I have said all of that on the girls, let me address the boys. Robin Thick, you are disgusting. Taking advantage of a young girl in a vulnerable state is no way to be a man! You are a father for goodness sake, stand up and act like one! Would you want your children to behave in this manor. I certainly hope not, because if you think it is okay for a man to treat a young lady in such a manner you, my sir, need to have your head examined. Yeah, I know I just said it bluntly and (to some) hatefully but let me tell you folks, if a scum bag like this were to come around my daughter there would be hell to pay. Then again, I hope I am raising my child to know she is beautiful no matter what and that this attention is not what she should be getting.
On that note, if I EVER caught my son behaving this way I would definitely be kicking his butt from here to kingdom come. Again, this is about self respect. My son better not think it is okay to be giving ladies this kind of attention. You bet your bottom dollar if he did, I did not do my job as a parent correctly. There is no reason at all for a man to behave in such a manner as to give positive reinforcement to this kind of behavior.
While I'm at it, here is another fact that ticks me off. Where in his right mind did he think it is okay to start talking/singing about blurred lines? Hello!! No woman (okay so maybe there are a few out there, but see above rant) wants to feel so objectified! Why would you think it is fun to sing about sex in such a manner? How disrespectful can you be?
What happened to honoring and cherishing your wedding vows? For someone who is married, don't you think it wise to take some stock in those vows you quoted before your partner? I'm sorry, but if my spouse were to sing a song about that, I may have to stop and take stock in his faithfulness to me. Luckily I don't have to worry about that though, since my in-laws raised their boys to be respectful of women. By the way, where is this man's self respect?
Why on earth is he encouraging this young girl to behave in such a manor. I have to wonder how a father could look at this once clean cut young lady and encourage such a behavior. I would certainly hope that a decent father would be ashamed of her behavior, especially when so many young girls STILL look up to her.
With all of this being said, I want you all to know I have nothing against feeling sexy. In fact I am all for it, but there is a line that needs to be drawn and it has been crossed over on many regards. You can still be sexy while leaving yourself covered. In fact, often times men find the mystery more sexy than the "nothing left to the imagination" look.
Okay, now that I have admitted that I did not watch them, I will write what I have to. I am a mom, and as such I look at the world through a whole new set of eyes. I see things in both positive and negative lights. I read enough on the VMA debacle to feel confident is saying that it was just exactly that, a debacle of the greatest proportions.
First let's address the Miley situation. I'm sorry, this was not appropriate in the least bit. I do NOT want my daughter watching her and thinking it is okay to behave in such an awful manner. Sexuality is fine. I have no problem with it. In fact, I feel it is healthy... in the right context. For me, that is in a loving committed relationship (yes, I'm talking marriage here) and in the privacy of your own home. There is no way I would be caught dead prancing around groping a man's crotch (who is MARRIED and a FATHER!) or behaving so lewdly! And heaven help either of my children if they were caught behaving this way. No joke, they would not see the light of day for a month. Yeah, I'm that mom.
When did it become okay for a woman to behave this way. Look, I'm all for women's rights. I fancy myself somewhat of a feminist, but being a feminist does not equate to being a slut. Being a feminist equates to respect for yourself, loving your body no matter what it looks like and loving other women just the way they are. It also means giving women a voice. I'm not talking about a voice that gives them an excuse to behave in such a manner as to disrespect themselves, but a voice to speak up for what is right. And what is right here is for her to have enough self respect to say "I'm beautiful, just the way I am. I don't need a man's attention to prove that and I don't need the world's attention to prove that."
We have fallen so far away from what it means to have self respect that girls are now finding it attractive to thrust themselves upon men like they are some consolation prize. Girls, I have news for you. You deserve so much more respect than this! You are not a conquest. You deserve to find a man that treats you as a special gift, perfect and beautiful just the way you are. You deserve to find a man who will work with you, being your partner and helpmate, building you up along the way. You do not deserve to feel that being immodest is going to get you the attention you so desire. In fact all it does is end up in a broken heart and a lonely home. Having the courage to stand up in the face of what the world tells us is sexy is what it means to have self respect. Having faith that you are beautiful just the way you are is enough and the sexiest thing in the world.
Now that I have said all of that on the girls, let me address the boys. Robin Thick, you are disgusting. Taking advantage of a young girl in a vulnerable state is no way to be a man! You are a father for goodness sake, stand up and act like one! Would you want your children to behave in this manor. I certainly hope not, because if you think it is okay for a man to treat a young lady in such a manner you, my sir, need to have your head examined. Yeah, I know I just said it bluntly and (to some) hatefully but let me tell you folks, if a scum bag like this were to come around my daughter there would be hell to pay. Then again, I hope I am raising my child to know she is beautiful no matter what and that this attention is not what she should be getting.
On that note, if I EVER caught my son behaving this way I would definitely be kicking his butt from here to kingdom come. Again, this is about self respect. My son better not think it is okay to be giving ladies this kind of attention. You bet your bottom dollar if he did, I did not do my job as a parent correctly. There is no reason at all for a man to behave in such a manner as to give positive reinforcement to this kind of behavior.
While I'm at it, here is another fact that ticks me off. Where in his right mind did he think it is okay to start talking/singing about blurred lines? Hello!! No woman (okay so maybe there are a few out there, but see above rant) wants to feel so objectified! Why would you think it is fun to sing about sex in such a manner? How disrespectful can you be?
What happened to honoring and cherishing your wedding vows? For someone who is married, don't you think it wise to take some stock in those vows you quoted before your partner? I'm sorry, but if my spouse were to sing a song about that, I may have to stop and take stock in his faithfulness to me. Luckily I don't have to worry about that though, since my in-laws raised their boys to be respectful of women. By the way, where is this man's self respect?
Why on earth is he encouraging this young girl to behave in such a manor. I have to wonder how a father could look at this once clean cut young lady and encourage such a behavior. I would certainly hope that a decent father would be ashamed of her behavior, especially when so many young girls STILL look up to her.
With all of this being said, I want you all to know I have nothing against feeling sexy. In fact I am all for it, but there is a line that needs to be drawn and it has been crossed over on many regards. You can still be sexy while leaving yourself covered. In fact, often times men find the mystery more sexy than the "nothing left to the imagination" look.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
The birth of Nathaniel Josiah
WOW! Where on earth do I begin?! Our little guy is FINALLY here after what felt like the LONGEST week of my life! On May 22, 2013 at 5:19pm Nathaniel Josiah made his way into this big world quickly, wonderfully, and beautifully in the water at our midwife's cottage. I can not even put into words the beauty and challenge of the whole experience, but I will try. :-)
On May 17 sometime in the wee hours of the morning I started having contractions. I noticed it felt differently than the contractions I had been having for weeks and decided I would time them to see what they were doing. To my disappointment they were only about 15 minutes apart and still mild so I went back to bed. At about 2:30am (not quite an hour from when I finished timing contractions) I was woken up by one that was particularly strong. I turned to David and asked him what I should do. He suggested I time them again and move around for a bit to see if things changed at all. After pacing the hall for a while and having to focus through some of the contractions he and I decided to try and rest a while longer. I couldn't get comfortable though, no matter what way I tried to lay it seemed to be uncomfortable, but I decided to let David rest since I figured we would likely be in for a long day. By about 4:00am I woke David up, hearing me focusing through contractions he came to rub my back. I just KNEW at that point that something was happening! We decided to call my mom and dad to come and get Alexandra, as we were SURE that if today wasn't the day, tomorrow surely would be.
Mom and Dad came and got Alexandra while David ran his mom over to work. My contractions were still fairly mild, but were picking up in intensity. David made it back to the house in time to tell Alexandra goodbye and to load our car up. We were so excited to be starting our journey but had little idea exactly HOW long it would take to get to the final result. We decided at that point to text our midwife and let her know that things seemed to be getting into motion and that we would be in contact with her throughout the day as things progressed. We went to the gym where I could swim in the pool for a while to help things move along. Being in the water had been a true blessing my entire pregnancy and this was no exception. During that period of being in the water my contractions picked up in frequency, but not in intensity. I was thankful for this since I was ready for them to be every four minutes apart.
After the pool our midwife suggested that I get some rest for a while, since they didn't want me to be exhausted once "active" labor started. I was considered in labor by this point any how, since my contractions did have a regular pattern to them but we knew that more intense work was to come. I rested for a while and we decided to go to the mall for a while where I could walk around indoors (it had been raining off and on all day long). While there I lost my plug and started spotting some. I knew at this point there was no turning back, this baby's arrival would be soon, yet still I had no idea how much longer I would have to wait. We continued to labor through the night, David by my side supporting me when I needed it and being attentive to my needs, all the while juggling the phone calls, texts and Facebook messages I had been receiving. People started to assume something was up, as I am typically appear online most of the time, but my computer was down for this period of time so that I would not be distracted away from what I needed to focus on.
The next morning came with the same pattern and no baby. By this point I was getting frustrated that there seemed to be nothing happening. One of the midwives checked me to see how I was progressing and things were indeed moving in the right direction, although very slowly. We laughed and joked some about how most women only dream of having a labor this "easy" and David and I kept things light hearted during the day. Honestly, being checked for progress was the only thing that kept me sane during our long wait. I continued to labor on and on and on until Monday when we made the choice to go home and get some rest in our own beds, with the hopes that MAYBE I would be able to settle enough to relax and things would progress more quickly. I had one more check before baby came and I was very close to active labor. Our midwife was so encouraging and helped to convince me that my body was doing what it needed to do to have our baby naturally. Labor that is like this is called Prodromal (not sure if I spelled that correctly) and is quite normal.
On Tuesday we decided to do a few things to get labor headed more quickly in the direction of active labor. They didn't work that day, but on Wednesday it seemed to be the day. At about 8:30am I woke up for the day, showered, got dressed and went about pumping to try and stimulate harder contractions. Within a few hours it worked! David diligently sat and timed contractions. When one was 2.5 minutes long he texted the midwife from my phone saying "Two and a half minute long contraction. This is David." This text when I later read it struck me as hilarious, though honestly I am not sure why. While in the car on the way to the midwife's my contractions were every three to four minutes apart and were quite painful. I remember thinking to myself "Holy Crap! I'm going to have a baby today!!!" David said during this time I remained extremely calm, only saying occasionally "Ouch! This hurts!"
We got to the cottage and my contractions were not getting any easier to get through. David was offering me drinks, holding my hand when I needed him and generally just taking care of me when I needed him. I was content to labor on my own for a while and he would read unless I asked him to do something. At that point he would immediately put his book down and do whatever I needed of him. I am so proud of him! The birth team sat up the birthing pool for me and as soon as it was ready I slipped into the water. Almost instantly I found myself relaxing into the contractions and handling things much more easily than before. Truly the water was a God-sent for me! At some point I started to get hot and wanted out of the water for a time.
One of the midwives suggested I try a new position to help move things along and I remember being very angry with her over this. I know I said a few curse words during this time (oops! Sorry Kim!!) and even told her that I hated her. (Again sorry Kim!!) Disclaimer** I don't hate her, in fact I love all of the ladies there were there, sometimes your mouth just gets away from you when you're in labor!** All I wanted to do was lay down because it hurt so badly. I labored in the shower for a few minutes, squatting into each contraction but resisting it because it hurt. David kept telling me I couldn't lean or sit and at one point I snapped at him and said "I know David, but it hurts!" I then sat on the birth stool for a while. I leaned into David between contractions and would do my best to be forward keeping things pushing against my cervix during a contraction. At some point I got to lay down again so that they could check baby and I was given some herbs (I know arnica was one of them and something that started with a "G") to help with swelling. I had developed a cervical lip and I will be honest, that was the most challenging part of my labor.
At some point I begged to get back into the water because I was so cold. Time frame really does become relative when you are in labor. I can remember specific events, but for the life of me I did not pay attention to the clock. I know at some point David told me it was three o'clock and me telling him that I didn't care what time it was. (Sorry honey!) During my time in the water I was given Black and Blue Cohosh tincture to help strengthen my contractions. I was feeling the need to push, but because of that cervical lip I needed to work through it some more. Its true what women say about the need to push! You feel like you have to take the world's biggest poop and can't stop yourself from doing it!
Kim checked me again and this was the point where we found I needed a little help with the cervical lip. With the encouragement of David, Doran, Misty, Tiffany and Kimberly I began pushing. Tiffany and Doran helped me to hold my legs back while Kimberly helped me to push past my cervical lip. I'm not going to mince words about this, it HURT! I was able to get it mostly pushed over his head and Misty helped me the rest of the way. It was probably more painful that transition contractions, BUT lasted a whole lot shorter of a time. I remember saying "Ow! Ow! Ow! That HURTS!!" but the relief was almost instantaneous once I pushed past it.
Everyone kept encouraging me and David stayed by my head holding my hand until Doran asked him if he wanted to see his son crowning. I remember looking up between pushes to see him looking at me, camera in hand and the look of awe on his face was unforgettable. I still get misty eyed thinking about it. I, being curious, reached between my legs to feel what was going on and I could feel his head. What an incredible feeling!!! At that point I mustered everything I had in me and gave a few more pushes and he was out. He crowned so quickly he shot out of me and landed on the bottom of the pool! My original hope was to catch him as he was coming out, but since he came so quickly that just didn't happen. David witnessed it all unfold before him. He was never planning on watching the actual birth part (he was afraid he would pass out or get queasy) but somehow it happened so quickly he did.
The feeling of victory I had when I pushed him out was incredible. I have never had so much pride in something in my entire life. I remember saying "I did it! I really did it!!" and making comments about those who doubted that I could. While Alexandra's birth story is totally different from her brother's it also helped to shape Nathaniel's story and because of that I am proud of her birth too. That isn't something I could have said even a year ago.
Nathaniel did have to have a little suctioning after birth since my bag of waters broke sometime during the pushing stage and there was meconium in the water. We aren't exactly sure WHEN it happened, just that it did. He was fine though and pinked up really quickly after birth. My placenta came quickly too, so I am also thankful about that! I did have a tear (one that did not require stitches) but my recovery has been very easy so far compared to Alexandra's birth. (I will take a tear over a surgical cut any day!!) His newborn exam said everything was normal and Nathaniel is a healthy baby boy. He weighed 7pounds 10 ounces, and was 22.5 inches long.
For those of you wondering how life has been so far with two under two, I have to say it hasn't been as difficult as I had anticipated it would be, granted I'm only a week in at this point. Alexandra is my little helper and LOVES her baby brother! She is always touching him, checking on him and says "me baby" when you ask her who he is. She seems to be doing fairly well with sharing mommy, although we have had a few jealous moments. Daddy and I try to sneak in as much one on one time with her as we can so that she doesn't feel left out, especially after we have had a particularly difficult moment or two with her. We want her to make sure she knows she is still loved by both of us. I find it funny how in spite of all of my worries that Alex would feel loved, she has handled things like a seasoned pro. Both of my babies are such blessings and I look forward to watching them grow up together and seeing the differences in their personalities as time marches on. Alexandra is such a unique person and I pray and look forward to seeing the unique person Nathaniel will be.
On May 17 sometime in the wee hours of the morning I started having contractions. I noticed it felt differently than the contractions I had been having for weeks and decided I would time them to see what they were doing. To my disappointment they were only about 15 minutes apart and still mild so I went back to bed. At about 2:30am (not quite an hour from when I finished timing contractions) I was woken up by one that was particularly strong. I turned to David and asked him what I should do. He suggested I time them again and move around for a bit to see if things changed at all. After pacing the hall for a while and having to focus through some of the contractions he and I decided to try and rest a while longer. I couldn't get comfortable though, no matter what way I tried to lay it seemed to be uncomfortable, but I decided to let David rest since I figured we would likely be in for a long day. By about 4:00am I woke David up, hearing me focusing through contractions he came to rub my back. I just KNEW at that point that something was happening! We decided to call my mom and dad to come and get Alexandra, as we were SURE that if today wasn't the day, tomorrow surely would be.
Mom and Dad came and got Alexandra while David ran his mom over to work. My contractions were still fairly mild, but were picking up in intensity. David made it back to the house in time to tell Alexandra goodbye and to load our car up. We were so excited to be starting our journey but had little idea exactly HOW long it would take to get to the final result. We decided at that point to text our midwife and let her know that things seemed to be getting into motion and that we would be in contact with her throughout the day as things progressed. We went to the gym where I could swim in the pool for a while to help things move along. Being in the water had been a true blessing my entire pregnancy and this was no exception. During that period of being in the water my contractions picked up in frequency, but not in intensity. I was thankful for this since I was ready for them to be every four minutes apart.
After the pool our midwife suggested that I get some rest for a while, since they didn't want me to be exhausted once "active" labor started. I was considered in labor by this point any how, since my contractions did have a regular pattern to them but we knew that more intense work was to come. I rested for a while and we decided to go to the mall for a while where I could walk around indoors (it had been raining off and on all day long). While there I lost my plug and started spotting some. I knew at this point there was no turning back, this baby's arrival would be soon, yet still I had no idea how much longer I would have to wait. We continued to labor through the night, David by my side supporting me when I needed it and being attentive to my needs, all the while juggling the phone calls, texts and Facebook messages I had been receiving. People started to assume something was up, as I am typically appear online most of the time, but my computer was down for this period of time so that I would not be distracted away from what I needed to focus on.
The next morning came with the same pattern and no baby. By this point I was getting frustrated that there seemed to be nothing happening. One of the midwives checked me to see how I was progressing and things were indeed moving in the right direction, although very slowly. We laughed and joked some about how most women only dream of having a labor this "easy" and David and I kept things light hearted during the day. Honestly, being checked for progress was the only thing that kept me sane during our long wait. I continued to labor on and on and on until Monday when we made the choice to go home and get some rest in our own beds, with the hopes that MAYBE I would be able to settle enough to relax and things would progress more quickly. I had one more check before baby came and I was very close to active labor. Our midwife was so encouraging and helped to convince me that my body was doing what it needed to do to have our baby naturally. Labor that is like this is called Prodromal (not sure if I spelled that correctly) and is quite normal.
On Tuesday we decided to do a few things to get labor headed more quickly in the direction of active labor. They didn't work that day, but on Wednesday it seemed to be the day. At about 8:30am I woke up for the day, showered, got dressed and went about pumping to try and stimulate harder contractions. Within a few hours it worked! David diligently sat and timed contractions. When one was 2.5 minutes long he texted the midwife from my phone saying "Two and a half minute long contraction. This is David." This text when I later read it struck me as hilarious, though honestly I am not sure why. While in the car on the way to the midwife's my contractions were every three to four minutes apart and were quite painful. I remember thinking to myself "Holy Crap! I'm going to have a baby today!!!" David said during this time I remained extremely calm, only saying occasionally "Ouch! This hurts!"
We got to the cottage and my contractions were not getting any easier to get through. David was offering me drinks, holding my hand when I needed him and generally just taking care of me when I needed him. I was content to labor on my own for a while and he would read unless I asked him to do something. At that point he would immediately put his book down and do whatever I needed of him. I am so proud of him! The birth team sat up the birthing pool for me and as soon as it was ready I slipped into the water. Almost instantly I found myself relaxing into the contractions and handling things much more easily than before. Truly the water was a God-sent for me! At some point I started to get hot and wanted out of the water for a time.
One of the midwives suggested I try a new position to help move things along and I remember being very angry with her over this. I know I said a few curse words during this time (oops! Sorry Kim!!) and even told her that I hated her. (Again sorry Kim!!) Disclaimer** I don't hate her, in fact I love all of the ladies there were there, sometimes your mouth just gets away from you when you're in labor!** All I wanted to do was lay down because it hurt so badly. I labored in the shower for a few minutes, squatting into each contraction but resisting it because it hurt. David kept telling me I couldn't lean or sit and at one point I snapped at him and said "I know David, but it hurts!" I then sat on the birth stool for a while. I leaned into David between contractions and would do my best to be forward keeping things pushing against my cervix during a contraction. At some point I got to lay down again so that they could check baby and I was given some herbs (I know arnica was one of them and something that started with a "G") to help with swelling. I had developed a cervical lip and I will be honest, that was the most challenging part of my labor.
At some point I begged to get back into the water because I was so cold. Time frame really does become relative when you are in labor. I can remember specific events, but for the life of me I did not pay attention to the clock. I know at some point David told me it was three o'clock and me telling him that I didn't care what time it was. (Sorry honey!) During my time in the water I was given Black and Blue Cohosh tincture to help strengthen my contractions. I was feeling the need to push, but because of that cervical lip I needed to work through it some more. Its true what women say about the need to push! You feel like you have to take the world's biggest poop and can't stop yourself from doing it!
Kim checked me again and this was the point where we found I needed a little help with the cervical lip. With the encouragement of David, Doran, Misty, Tiffany and Kimberly I began pushing. Tiffany and Doran helped me to hold my legs back while Kimberly helped me to push past my cervical lip. I'm not going to mince words about this, it HURT! I was able to get it mostly pushed over his head and Misty helped me the rest of the way. It was probably more painful that transition contractions, BUT lasted a whole lot shorter of a time. I remember saying "Ow! Ow! Ow! That HURTS!!" but the relief was almost instantaneous once I pushed past it.
Everyone kept encouraging me and David stayed by my head holding my hand until Doran asked him if he wanted to see his son crowning. I remember looking up between pushes to see him looking at me, camera in hand and the look of awe on his face was unforgettable. I still get misty eyed thinking about it. I, being curious, reached between my legs to feel what was going on and I could feel his head. What an incredible feeling!!! At that point I mustered everything I had in me and gave a few more pushes and he was out. He crowned so quickly he shot out of me and landed on the bottom of the pool! My original hope was to catch him as he was coming out, but since he came so quickly that just didn't happen. David witnessed it all unfold before him. He was never planning on watching the actual birth part (he was afraid he would pass out or get queasy) but somehow it happened so quickly he did.
The feeling of victory I had when I pushed him out was incredible. I have never had so much pride in something in my entire life. I remember saying "I did it! I really did it!!" and making comments about those who doubted that I could. While Alexandra's birth story is totally different from her brother's it also helped to shape Nathaniel's story and because of that I am proud of her birth too. That isn't something I could have said even a year ago.
Nathaniel did have to have a little suctioning after birth since my bag of waters broke sometime during the pushing stage and there was meconium in the water. We aren't exactly sure WHEN it happened, just that it did. He was fine though and pinked up really quickly after birth. My placenta came quickly too, so I am also thankful about that! I did have a tear (one that did not require stitches) but my recovery has been very easy so far compared to Alexandra's birth. (I will take a tear over a surgical cut any day!!) His newborn exam said everything was normal and Nathaniel is a healthy baby boy. He weighed 7pounds 10 ounces, and was 22.5 inches long.
For those of you wondering how life has been so far with two under two, I have to say it hasn't been as difficult as I had anticipated it would be, granted I'm only a week in at this point. Alexandra is my little helper and LOVES her baby brother! She is always touching him, checking on him and says "me baby" when you ask her who he is. She seems to be doing fairly well with sharing mommy, although we have had a few jealous moments. Daddy and I try to sneak in as much one on one time with her as we can so that she doesn't feel left out, especially after we have had a particularly difficult moment or two with her. We want her to make sure she knows she is still loved by both of us. I find it funny how in spite of all of my worries that Alex would feel loved, she has handled things like a seasoned pro. Both of my babies are such blessings and I look forward to watching them grow up together and seeing the differences in their personalities as time marches on. Alexandra is such a unique person and I pray and look forward to seeing the unique person Nathaniel will be.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Mother's day
Happy May everyone! I know its been a while since I have updated, but I sure hope to have some good news to share within the next few days. Baby boy Heselton is due at any moment to make his entrance into the world, though I'm not "due" until Friday my big hopes are that he will be here soon. I'll be honest, at this point in the game I'm just ready to meet our son and NOT be pregnant anymore. Yeah, I said it. I'm over it.
That being said, since it IS May I have had a few other extras to focus on. One of them being my mom's birthday (Happy Birthday Mommy!!!) and the other being Mother's Day. Its the bane of all husbands and the joy of most mother's to celebrate. Sunday happens to be that day. Part of me thinks it would be wickedly cool to have a Mother's Day baby. Wouldn't that be the ultimate gift?! I was honestly hoping for today though, since its my moms' birthday. I thought it would be an awesome way to celebrate the circle of life, but I guess he had other plans. (I still have about an hour, but unless I have an insanely fast labor, that won't be happening!!)
Back to the original intent of the post, and that was to talk about Mother's Day. I wanted to talk about the fact that there are groups of women that are so often overlooked on Mother's Day. This post is dedicated to them. I know several of them myself and I think about them often.
First lets address the moms that are not mothers in they physical sense, but in the spiritual sense. I know one of them myself and have acted in this capacity on many occasions for girls at camp, church and just in life. These women deserve to be recognized too. They may not be your biological mothers, but they help to mold and guide young people into who they become as adults. Often times they help to shape the ideals of our youth into something spectacular that only someone who isn't a biological mother can do.
Now let's address those moms who are struggling to become moms. You know the one's I'm talking about. Moms who are navigating the adoption system just so they can make their family whole in some regard. You ladies ALSO need some serious recognition. Often times these moms are foster parents right down in the trenches with the rest of us, focusing on the lives of children who are extremely broken when they come to them. If they aren't acting in the capacity of mom as a foster parent, they are waiting for their hearts to not be so broken by their child who may be far away. Sometimes as far away as half a world. I also know moms like this, and to you I also say I am thankful!
There are the moms that are struggling to become a mom through fertility treatments too. These moms shouldn't be ignored either. You do so much to make your family complete and ignoring the fact that you are a mother too is not fair. Especially when often times it is a struggle that only the couple themselves can see. You're still a mom in my book, even if your child isn't here yet.
Finally there are those moms who suffer from loss. Be it the loss of a child at birth, while pregnant, or from some other tragic circumstance I think of you too. I have been on both sides of that fence. Its an ugly and dark place, but you deserve to be acknowledged in some way too. Your pain shouldn't be ignored on the account of those of us who have our "Happy" endings. You are still a mother.
My point of this post is to just make you aware. I read a post this week from another blogger and it really hit home about how often Mother's Day overlooks select groups of mothers. I'm not here to diminish the pride that women who are out fighting the battles daily with their own child should feel, but to put a bug in your ear to get you to think. I always make note to acknowledge loss moms on Mother's Day, but I too am guilty of forgetting the other groups of women. I have been on both sides of the fence on several of these regards (minus the foster/adoptive parent) and have often felt overlooked for what I was facing. Women are all special, especially those who take the time to love other children that are not there "own." Why shouldn't we celebrate all of them in some regard??
That being said, since it IS May I have had a few other extras to focus on. One of them being my mom's birthday (Happy Birthday Mommy!!!) and the other being Mother's Day. Its the bane of all husbands and the joy of most mother's to celebrate. Sunday happens to be that day. Part of me thinks it would be wickedly cool to have a Mother's Day baby. Wouldn't that be the ultimate gift?! I was honestly hoping for today though, since its my moms' birthday. I thought it would be an awesome way to celebrate the circle of life, but I guess he had other plans. (I still have about an hour, but unless I have an insanely fast labor, that won't be happening!!)
Back to the original intent of the post, and that was to talk about Mother's Day. I wanted to talk about the fact that there are groups of women that are so often overlooked on Mother's Day. This post is dedicated to them. I know several of them myself and I think about them often.
First lets address the moms that are not mothers in they physical sense, but in the spiritual sense. I know one of them myself and have acted in this capacity on many occasions for girls at camp, church and just in life. These women deserve to be recognized too. They may not be your biological mothers, but they help to mold and guide young people into who they become as adults. Often times they help to shape the ideals of our youth into something spectacular that only someone who isn't a biological mother can do.
Now let's address those moms who are struggling to become moms. You know the one's I'm talking about. Moms who are navigating the adoption system just so they can make their family whole in some regard. You ladies ALSO need some serious recognition. Often times these moms are foster parents right down in the trenches with the rest of us, focusing on the lives of children who are extremely broken when they come to them. If they aren't acting in the capacity of mom as a foster parent, they are waiting for their hearts to not be so broken by their child who may be far away. Sometimes as far away as half a world. I also know moms like this, and to you I also say I am thankful!
There are the moms that are struggling to become a mom through fertility treatments too. These moms shouldn't be ignored either. You do so much to make your family complete and ignoring the fact that you are a mother too is not fair. Especially when often times it is a struggle that only the couple themselves can see. You're still a mom in my book, even if your child isn't here yet.
Finally there are those moms who suffer from loss. Be it the loss of a child at birth, while pregnant, or from some other tragic circumstance I think of you too. I have been on both sides of that fence. Its an ugly and dark place, but you deserve to be acknowledged in some way too. Your pain shouldn't be ignored on the account of those of us who have our "Happy" endings. You are still a mother.
My point of this post is to just make you aware. I read a post this week from another blogger and it really hit home about how often Mother's Day overlooks select groups of mothers. I'm not here to diminish the pride that women who are out fighting the battles daily with their own child should feel, but to put a bug in your ear to get you to think. I always make note to acknowledge loss moms on Mother's Day, but I too am guilty of forgetting the other groups of women. I have been on both sides of the fence on several of these regards (minus the foster/adoptive parent) and have often felt overlooked for what I was facing. Women are all special, especially those who take the time to love other children that are not there "own." Why shouldn't we celebrate all of them in some regard??
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Pregnancy after Loss
One year. Seems like a lifetime ago, when in fact it was just a drop in the hat of my life. Okay maybe not a drop in the hat, but certainly a small fraction of it. One year ago I found out I was pregnant again, imagine my surprise, since I was on the mini-pill AND nursing Alexandra. Imagine how scared silly I was since not only do I have a history (a rather long one at that) of miscarriage, but because in this wonderful world called parenting, I was still walking on sea legs! Words can not even describe how scared I was and frustrated too. David and I had been doing everything in our power to avoid another pregnancy, we didn't want another baby right away and especially not given the fact that we were struggling just to make things work on one income.
We decided, for once in our reproductive history, to not share that I was pregnant. We wanted to make sure everything was okay and we also wanted to wait for our upcoming trip back to Virginia and Pennsylvania to share our exciting and shocking news. I think in the very back of my mind I knew something wasn't right, but I prayed over my pregnancy like I had countless times before with the others. I prayed that this time I wouldn't need medication to keep my hormones in check, and I prayed that somehow we could handle parenting two children so close in age. Seemed like the only thing I could control was to share my fears with God anyway. I went two weeks, carrying a secret that frankly for me was darn near impossible to keep.
What can I say, I'm the eternal optimist when it comes to my pregnancies.I always hope for the best, all the while entertaining the worst in the back of my mind. I even went so far as to seek out a VBAC friendly provider. I figured if this was going to happen, I wanted to have a second chance at the birth I had envisioned for Alexandra. Why not? I was already making the move to the more "crunchy" end of the spectrum of living, it just seemed logical for me to do it with my children starting from birth.
Then the worst happened. Two weeks later, on March 12, I started to have some spotting. I just figured it was the normal "implantation bleeding" I had with Alex, but yet something still felt off. I was crampy, bloated, and all around didn't feel like myself. It was late at night, like 2am or something crazy. I had gone to the bathroom after nursing Alexandra. I wrote it off to it being pregnancy symptoms, after all this was my first pregnancy after my C-section and I had heard a lot of stories from moms who said that they felt this way more after having a C-section than with their first or second (some moms I talked to have a vaginal birth with the first and section with the second). I just figured it was normal. Until it wasn't. I passed a small clot. "Nope, this isn't normal." I told myself. Call Doctor Jones and Eaton right away my brain told me. My husband reminds me to relax, it could be nothing after all, but my heart just knew.
That night I dreamt of my Grandpa. Still to this day, nearly a year later I can remember the details vividly. I honestly believe it was him, coming to tell me what I already knew, yet to gently remind me that I AM a good mom and that this isn't my fault. It was raw and so real. He was wearing a yellow and white banded polo with black horizontal pin stripes and those classic Docks Khakis he always wore with a floppy tan fishing hat and his brown leather loafers. We were sitting on a pier on what appeared to be a lake, fishing. It was bright out, so sunny in fact that I couldn't see much but a fuzz of shapes that looked like trees around me. I was wearing my favorite black peasant skirt and my Chaco sandals with a white tank top. Alexandra was no where to be found, but I could hear her in the background cooing. I sat silently while he talked and when I reached over, crying to give him a hug, David came in to wake Alex and I up for church. I remember because it was so real.
That afternoon we had our small group praying for us. I asked that my mind be eased and that it was nothing. The following morning I called my doctor and they were able to fit me in. Doctor Jones didn't feel to confident in what was happening and sent me back for an ultrasound. There was nothing to be seen except and empty sac. No baby, no heartbeat. I had what is called a blighted ovum and that since I was miscarrying naturally (again) I shouldn't need any medication or surgery. I had to have my levels checked every three days until the they went down to make certain I didn't have an ectopic pregnancy. I still thank God that I didn't have THAT going on! It was hard enough coping with a loss while caring for an infant, let alone having to have surgery. I don't think I could have done it.
Our small group was great. They prayed for us and over us. It was just what I needed at the time, until I went on my trip. A few weeks later, while I was still miscarrying, I went on a trip to visit my family. Saying I was emotional is an understatement. This was supposed to be a happy and exciting trip, not one marred with sadness, after all my cousin was getting married and I was going to see family I had not seen in a very long time. I hid it until after her wedding and managed to muster up a few genuine smiles and feelings of happiness. If only for a short time, it was the distraction I needed and I was all to happy to welcome her new husband into the family with open arms. Honestly, secretly praying that their marriage didn't have to face the trials ours had in just two years time. I still pray that for any married couple. Miscarriage and loss is no walk in the park for either party, let alone the stress it can place on a marriage. I am fortunate to have married someone just as stubborn as myself though who refuses to give up, even when we voice that we want to.
Fast forward to late August. I had been on the depo shot after this miscarriage. I wasn't taking any chances and as soon as I was given the all clear by Doctor Jones, I jumped on birth control. I didn't want an IUD, no thanks, I had read and heard of too many complications with those things and it would be just my luck that I would be one of those women whom had complications. So I elected for the shot. I figured a birth control that was effective for three months sounded like a good idea, and IF we managed to get back on our feet again we could stop and start trying for baby number two. It seems God had different plans that us. I let my birth control lapse, but as soon as I realized this, made and appointment to see a doctor to get said birth control. It was with planned parenthood, not my favorite place, but they would give it to me based on my income and that was all I needed, so I did it, knowing we would have to be SUPER careful for at least three weeks (two for the appointment and another for the birth control to take affect).
Fast forward a week. I started feeling "funny" and not quite like myself. Oh geesh, I'm getting sick, but I realize I haven't had a period yet this month. "Oh please do not let this be it" I think to myself. "The last thing we need is to have another baby!" all the while secretly thinking, okay no big deal IF you are pregnant again. I take a test, negative. YES! I'm not pregnant, or so I thought. We get a two pack "just in case," since I am prone to thinking I'm pregnant and freaking out only to find out I'm not. I wait another five days, still no period. This time I insist I take one and lo-and behold I AM pregnant. Oh geesh, I think, what am I going to do?! but I tell myself it will be okay. Its funny how a woman's brain works. She just KNOWS.
So I go into freak-out mode, calling local midwives, knowing that at this time I don't have insurance and having a homebirth is the cheapest way to go. I'm okay with that, since its what I wanted anyway and something I had researched to death. I became almost obsessive about researching my options. I know it is because I lost a baby after having a baby and that fear just NEVER leaves the back of my mind. It never will. I still, at 30ish weeks pregnant fear that I will loose him. Its part of how I love. I love my children, ALL OF THEM, with a deepness that only a mother can understand and that starts at conception for me. (Or rather the moment I find out I'm pregnant.) When I loose a pregnancy, not matter how far along I am, it rocks me to my core. It's hard to explain to someone unless they themselves have been through it. Sorry folks, but unless you have EXPERIENCED a pregnancy loss, miscarriage, still birth or loss of a child, you JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND. I'm not saying this to be mean, I'm just stating a simple fact. You will never understand, and I thank GOD that you DON'T.
I wouldn't want anyone to experience this fear, but the only thing that works for me is staying connected with other rainbow parents, parents of loss, and prayer. Prayer probably being the biggest one for me. I have prayed through the Psalms a lot in my lifetime, but when my heart hurts the worst, its what I turn to. Pregnancy after loss is a whole other bear I have had to face. This time around it has seemed more fraught with anxiety than with Alexandra. Probably BECAUSE I have carried a pregnancy to full term now and know the love of a mother as it came full circle. Some days are harder than others and it reveals itself through laziness, anxiety, eating more than normal (not so much binge eating, like with Alex, but more consumption than normal for sure), crying, even anger. Sometimes I don't recognize it, but its there. Pregnancy after loss is hard, hardest for those with multiple losses. Its raw, like a wound that is healing and hasn't yet had time to scar over fully. Its difficult, but it is also wonderful too.
I find myself enjoying pregnancy more than I did with Alexandra. I find myself being thankful for every little ache, pain, cramp, and crazy symptom that comes along with it. I also find myself not complaining like I did with Alex. I actually LOVE being pregnant this time around (maybe in part due to the fact that I'm not miserably sick like I was with Alexandra!) and I am finding a deeper connection to my daughter too. I'm finding that through this pregnancy I look at her and am thankful for every moment she grew within me and every moment we have had together. My love for her grows deeper daily, its just part of being a loss mom I guess.
So for those of you wondering WHY I post so much about pregnancy, there is just a small amount of insight for you. For those of you that ever wondered what it would be like to have a baby after a loss, this is for you too.. And for those of you that ever wonder what its like to lose a pregnancy, this is just a SMALL glimpse into that world. Its raw, but its the truth. Its how I have coped, but certainly not ALL of how I have coped. That, has been shared and revealed in bits and pieces over time. The process is continual, and with each passing moment, each passing day it DOES get easier. And with each anniversary of my losses, each due date that passes, I remember, but it gets easier over time. I find myself often just glancing over those days, feeling sad for just a moment, but thankful for what I have been blessed with in this life. Its those small things that make the difficult moments smaller and smaller every year.
We decided, for once in our reproductive history, to not share that I was pregnant. We wanted to make sure everything was okay and we also wanted to wait for our upcoming trip back to Virginia and Pennsylvania to share our exciting and shocking news. I think in the very back of my mind I knew something wasn't right, but I prayed over my pregnancy like I had countless times before with the others. I prayed that this time I wouldn't need medication to keep my hormones in check, and I prayed that somehow we could handle parenting two children so close in age. Seemed like the only thing I could control was to share my fears with God anyway. I went two weeks, carrying a secret that frankly for me was darn near impossible to keep.
What can I say, I'm the eternal optimist when it comes to my pregnancies.I always hope for the best, all the while entertaining the worst in the back of my mind. I even went so far as to seek out a VBAC friendly provider. I figured if this was going to happen, I wanted to have a second chance at the birth I had envisioned for Alexandra. Why not? I was already making the move to the more "crunchy" end of the spectrum of living, it just seemed logical for me to do it with my children starting from birth.
Then the worst happened. Two weeks later, on March 12, I started to have some spotting. I just figured it was the normal "implantation bleeding" I had with Alex, but yet something still felt off. I was crampy, bloated, and all around didn't feel like myself. It was late at night, like 2am or something crazy. I had gone to the bathroom after nursing Alexandra. I wrote it off to it being pregnancy symptoms, after all this was my first pregnancy after my C-section and I had heard a lot of stories from moms who said that they felt this way more after having a C-section than with their first or second (some moms I talked to have a vaginal birth with the first and section with the second). I just figured it was normal. Until it wasn't. I passed a small clot. "Nope, this isn't normal." I told myself. Call Doctor Jones and Eaton right away my brain told me. My husband reminds me to relax, it could be nothing after all, but my heart just knew.
That night I dreamt of my Grandpa. Still to this day, nearly a year later I can remember the details vividly. I honestly believe it was him, coming to tell me what I already knew, yet to gently remind me that I AM a good mom and that this isn't my fault. It was raw and so real. He was wearing a yellow and white banded polo with black horizontal pin stripes and those classic Docks Khakis he always wore with a floppy tan fishing hat and his brown leather loafers. We were sitting on a pier on what appeared to be a lake, fishing. It was bright out, so sunny in fact that I couldn't see much but a fuzz of shapes that looked like trees around me. I was wearing my favorite black peasant skirt and my Chaco sandals with a white tank top. Alexandra was no where to be found, but I could hear her in the background cooing. I sat silently while he talked and when I reached over, crying to give him a hug, David came in to wake Alex and I up for church. I remember because it was so real.
That afternoon we had our small group praying for us. I asked that my mind be eased and that it was nothing. The following morning I called my doctor and they were able to fit me in. Doctor Jones didn't feel to confident in what was happening and sent me back for an ultrasound. There was nothing to be seen except and empty sac. No baby, no heartbeat. I had what is called a blighted ovum and that since I was miscarrying naturally (again) I shouldn't need any medication or surgery. I had to have my levels checked every three days until the they went down to make certain I didn't have an ectopic pregnancy. I still thank God that I didn't have THAT going on! It was hard enough coping with a loss while caring for an infant, let alone having to have surgery. I don't think I could have done it.
Our small group was great. They prayed for us and over us. It was just what I needed at the time, until I went on my trip. A few weeks later, while I was still miscarrying, I went on a trip to visit my family. Saying I was emotional is an understatement. This was supposed to be a happy and exciting trip, not one marred with sadness, after all my cousin was getting married and I was going to see family I had not seen in a very long time. I hid it until after her wedding and managed to muster up a few genuine smiles and feelings of happiness. If only for a short time, it was the distraction I needed and I was all to happy to welcome her new husband into the family with open arms. Honestly, secretly praying that their marriage didn't have to face the trials ours had in just two years time. I still pray that for any married couple. Miscarriage and loss is no walk in the park for either party, let alone the stress it can place on a marriage. I am fortunate to have married someone just as stubborn as myself though who refuses to give up, even when we voice that we want to.
Fast forward to late August. I had been on the depo shot after this miscarriage. I wasn't taking any chances and as soon as I was given the all clear by Doctor Jones, I jumped on birth control. I didn't want an IUD, no thanks, I had read and heard of too many complications with those things and it would be just my luck that I would be one of those women whom had complications. So I elected for the shot. I figured a birth control that was effective for three months sounded like a good idea, and IF we managed to get back on our feet again we could stop and start trying for baby number two. It seems God had different plans that us. I let my birth control lapse, but as soon as I realized this, made and appointment to see a doctor to get said birth control. It was with planned parenthood, not my favorite place, but they would give it to me based on my income and that was all I needed, so I did it, knowing we would have to be SUPER careful for at least three weeks (two for the appointment and another for the birth control to take affect).
Fast forward a week. I started feeling "funny" and not quite like myself. Oh geesh, I'm getting sick, but I realize I haven't had a period yet this month. "Oh please do not let this be it" I think to myself. "The last thing we need is to have another baby!" all the while secretly thinking, okay no big deal IF you are pregnant again. I take a test, negative. YES! I'm not pregnant, or so I thought. We get a two pack "just in case," since I am prone to thinking I'm pregnant and freaking out only to find out I'm not. I wait another five days, still no period. This time I insist I take one and lo-and behold I AM pregnant. Oh geesh, I think, what am I going to do?! but I tell myself it will be okay. Its funny how a woman's brain works. She just KNOWS.
So I go into freak-out mode, calling local midwives, knowing that at this time I don't have insurance and having a homebirth is the cheapest way to go. I'm okay with that, since its what I wanted anyway and something I had researched to death. I became almost obsessive about researching my options. I know it is because I lost a baby after having a baby and that fear just NEVER leaves the back of my mind. It never will. I still, at 30ish weeks pregnant fear that I will loose him. Its part of how I love. I love my children, ALL OF THEM, with a deepness that only a mother can understand and that starts at conception for me. (Or rather the moment I find out I'm pregnant.) When I loose a pregnancy, not matter how far along I am, it rocks me to my core. It's hard to explain to someone unless they themselves have been through it. Sorry folks, but unless you have EXPERIENCED a pregnancy loss, miscarriage, still birth or loss of a child, you JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND. I'm not saying this to be mean, I'm just stating a simple fact. You will never understand, and I thank GOD that you DON'T.
I wouldn't want anyone to experience this fear, but the only thing that works for me is staying connected with other rainbow parents, parents of loss, and prayer. Prayer probably being the biggest one for me. I have prayed through the Psalms a lot in my lifetime, but when my heart hurts the worst, its what I turn to. Pregnancy after loss is a whole other bear I have had to face. This time around it has seemed more fraught with anxiety than with Alexandra. Probably BECAUSE I have carried a pregnancy to full term now and know the love of a mother as it came full circle. Some days are harder than others and it reveals itself through laziness, anxiety, eating more than normal (not so much binge eating, like with Alex, but more consumption than normal for sure), crying, even anger. Sometimes I don't recognize it, but its there. Pregnancy after loss is hard, hardest for those with multiple losses. Its raw, like a wound that is healing and hasn't yet had time to scar over fully. Its difficult, but it is also wonderful too.
I find myself enjoying pregnancy more than I did with Alexandra. I find myself being thankful for every little ache, pain, cramp, and crazy symptom that comes along with it. I also find myself not complaining like I did with Alex. I actually LOVE being pregnant this time around (maybe in part due to the fact that I'm not miserably sick like I was with Alexandra!) and I am finding a deeper connection to my daughter too. I'm finding that through this pregnancy I look at her and am thankful for every moment she grew within me and every moment we have had together. My love for her grows deeper daily, its just part of being a loss mom I guess.
So for those of you wondering WHY I post so much about pregnancy, there is just a small amount of insight for you. For those of you that ever wondered what it would be like to have a baby after a loss, this is for you too.. And for those of you that ever wonder what its like to lose a pregnancy, this is just a SMALL glimpse into that world. Its raw, but its the truth. Its how I have coped, but certainly not ALL of how I have coped. That, has been shared and revealed in bits and pieces over time. The process is continual, and with each passing moment, each passing day it DOES get easier. And with each anniversary of my losses, each due date that passes, I remember, but it gets easier over time. I find myself often just glancing over those days, feeling sad for just a moment, but thankful for what I have been blessed with in this life. Its those small things that make the difficult moments smaller and smaller every year.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Info for you to chew on
Lately, as the birth of our son draws closer, I have been facing some discouraging comments. For me this is hard since I am typically one to follow the pack on many stances and rarely do something that isn't in the "norm." Even when I feel strongly about something, in the presence of strangers I tend to hide that opinion in the name of keeping the peace, but as you may well know (just check out my Facebook feed!) I'm very well educated when it comes to birth and breastfeeding related topics. I'm not always eloquent in the way I convey this information, but I know it and I know it well. I am constantly eager to read new studies, absorb information, read debates, and all around educate myself in every aspect of this subject matter. I'm hungry for it and I can't seem to get enough. It is because of this information and knowledge I felt confident enough to step out to the world and share that I was planning on birthing my child at home/in a home setting.
Here is were things got sticky and in walked the nay-sayers. The ones who don't believe I can do it. The ones who think I'm bat-crap crazy and the ones who think I am just doing it because it is the "trendy" thing to do. Here is where I say you are wrong, and NOTHING gets my goat worse than hearing these comments. Especially the comments to the effect of "You can't do it," or "You're only doing this because your friends are doing it." I'm not going to lie, those sting the worst. Not because of the words, but because it seems you have zero confidence in the fact that I have a brain and have used it for myself. Even those I love the most sometimes make these comments, and I would be lying if I said they didn't make me cry. Maybe not in front of them, but often times when I'm alone, that's when it happens.
This is what I say to you, please don't look at me like I'm crazy, especially as the birth nears. This isn't about what you would choose, and if you were in my position you have the right to choose differently. This is about what I KNOW through reading literally THOUSANDS of pages of research, books, and articles to be the right choice for me and for my family. Not many are as well researched on this subject as I am, but I encourage you to make a well informed choice before jumping to conclusions about those of us who choose homebirth and natural birth. As someone I look up to says, "Consider the BAR- Benefits, Alternatives, and Risks." Consider it before jumping to conclusions about those of us that have chosen this, its hard enough to make unconventional choices without the negative comments and reactions.
Here is were things got sticky and in walked the nay-sayers. The ones who don't believe I can do it. The ones who think I'm bat-crap crazy and the ones who think I am just doing it because it is the "trendy" thing to do. Here is where I say you are wrong, and NOTHING gets my goat worse than hearing these comments. Especially the comments to the effect of "You can't do it," or "You're only doing this because your friends are doing it." I'm not going to lie, those sting the worst. Not because of the words, but because it seems you have zero confidence in the fact that I have a brain and have used it for myself. Even those I love the most sometimes make these comments, and I would be lying if I said they didn't make me cry. Maybe not in front of them, but often times when I'm alone, that's when it happens.
This is what I say to you, please don't look at me like I'm crazy, especially as the birth nears. This isn't about what you would choose, and if you were in my position you have the right to choose differently. This is about what I KNOW through reading literally THOUSANDS of pages of research, books, and articles to be the right choice for me and for my family. Not many are as well researched on this subject as I am, but I encourage you to make a well informed choice before jumping to conclusions about those of us who choose homebirth and natural birth. As someone I look up to says, "Consider the BAR- Benefits, Alternatives, and Risks." Consider it before jumping to conclusions about those of us that have chosen this, its hard enough to make unconventional choices without the negative comments and reactions.
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