UGH! As I sit here this evening typing this update I am feeling not only restless, but impatient! I am feeling impatient with the timing of life and annoyed with God. Not so much to say that I am annoyed with where God is taking me, but more so in the simple fact that I can't seem to gain a foothold on my pursuit of an education. Due to some unwise choices I made when I first struck out on my own, I am living less comfortably than I would like to, thus making it more difficult to follow through on my need of an education. Simply put, its irritating.
I am feeling restless and I facing a lack of direction that I once held. Now it seems as though the only thoughts on my mind are bills, marriage, and what my future holds. Though we are not ready for parenthood, I find myself asking God when things will happen, if I'm able to carry a child, and what life will be like should we have a child at this present time. I'm not saying I want a baby right now, I know we are no where capable of sustaining the finances required to raise a child, but I find that daily I face the aching and longing for my child. I am in my truest form a nurturer and as a result of this I am constantly concerned with the needs of those around me.
It is the need for nurturing others that drives me question my career path. Should I be a nurse, a teacher, or something else? Many unanswered questions are circling around in my brain, and it seems as though I am being told to wait. I am not a waiter, I LOATH being told to wait! But unfortunately God seems to have bigger plans for me, and is yet again teaching me a lesson in understanding his timing! YUCK! I guess what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger! :-) God isn't killing me, and he IS teaching me about the importance of his timing. I long to please YHWH and I often feels as though I am failing him.
I am reminded in spite of the fact that I am frustrated that God is my creator, and that he has made me in his image. He made me to long for greater things, and he made me to desire to serve others. I am made perfectly in his image and there is no one greater that loves me, not even my husband. It is this understanding that allows me to press on and do my best to please him, even when I feel as though I am failing.
I leave you with these words of encouragement, meant not only to remind you, but also myself of God's holiness and the value of waiting on his timing.
Psalm 27:14
14 Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.
Psalm 37:7
7 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Friday, April 16, 2010
Bondage
Tonight was yet another sleepless night and I was trying to make myself sleepy by going through some of my old favorite videos on Youtube. I happened to run across a video of the lyrics to the song "Everything" by Lifehouse so I watched. That of course lead me to a link to a skit that some students did with the song. It was extremely powerful and it got my wheels turning. I began to think about bondage and its impact on our lives.
There is always that one small thing that people struggle with to over come. For some it may be a bad habit, others it may be something much stronger like addiction. This got me thinking about my own shortcoming and I got to thinking about all of the areas that I fail in life. I struggle with a lot of things. I often times buy into what the Wester world thinks as beautiful, I buy into my own personal inadiquacies, and I buy into what other think of me in general.
My whole life I have struggled with an addiction to food. As crazy as it may sound, yes food can become an addiction and for me it is often times an overpowering addiction. I use food to soothe me when I'm feeling upset, lonely, or just plain bored. Its an obession and I often times find myself thinking about my next snack. As a result of this I'm terribly overweight and no matter how hard I try to fight it, I just can't seem to stop obsessing. It is my bondage. I struggle daily with asking Christ to take the sin of gluttony from my plate, and I often fail. Some days are good, but like an alcholic or druggie I find myself looking for my next food fix.
When I'm not eating, I find myself obessing over what I have (or have not) had to eat in a certain time period. I try diets and "ways" of living to no avail. Its as though this addiction has such a hold over me that I am uncertain what to do with myself when I'm not consumed by it. I have even gone so far as to seek out Over Eaters Anonomous to seek help and support in this addiction, yet nothing seems to work. I know I have to eat to live, but this type of eating disorder is going to kill me one day if I can't put a stop to it. Not only that, but it can and has affected my ability to carry a child to full term. Its not only endangering my life, but the life of those around me.
This bondage is something that I have hidden so well, that up until about two years into my relationship with David, he had not a clue that this was going on. It took me confessing to him about this struggle for him to find out. There were even times that I practiced buliemic tendancies, though those cycles have always been short lived, as I loath vomiting.
I continue to pray daily that Christ can help me to shake these chains away. That he will help me to over come my sinful ways and that he will hold me up on those difficult moments when I need his loving hand to guide me. I am asking God once and for all to fully deliver me from this bondage I am under and lift me from this blackhole.
There is always that one small thing that people struggle with to over come. For some it may be a bad habit, others it may be something much stronger like addiction. This got me thinking about my own shortcoming and I got to thinking about all of the areas that I fail in life. I struggle with a lot of things. I often times buy into what the Wester world thinks as beautiful, I buy into my own personal inadiquacies, and I buy into what other think of me in general.
My whole life I have struggled with an addiction to food. As crazy as it may sound, yes food can become an addiction and for me it is often times an overpowering addiction. I use food to soothe me when I'm feeling upset, lonely, or just plain bored. Its an obession and I often times find myself thinking about my next snack. As a result of this I'm terribly overweight and no matter how hard I try to fight it, I just can't seem to stop obsessing. It is my bondage. I struggle daily with asking Christ to take the sin of gluttony from my plate, and I often fail. Some days are good, but like an alcholic or druggie I find myself looking for my next food fix.
When I'm not eating, I find myself obessing over what I have (or have not) had to eat in a certain time period. I try diets and "ways" of living to no avail. Its as though this addiction has such a hold over me that I am uncertain what to do with myself when I'm not consumed by it. I have even gone so far as to seek out Over Eaters Anonomous to seek help and support in this addiction, yet nothing seems to work. I know I have to eat to live, but this type of eating disorder is going to kill me one day if I can't put a stop to it. Not only that, but it can and has affected my ability to carry a child to full term. Its not only endangering my life, but the life of those around me.
This bondage is something that I have hidden so well, that up until about two years into my relationship with David, he had not a clue that this was going on. It took me confessing to him about this struggle for him to find out. There were even times that I practiced buliemic tendancies, though those cycles have always been short lived, as I loath vomiting.
I continue to pray daily that Christ can help me to shake these chains away. That he will help me to over come my sinful ways and that he will hold me up on those difficult moments when I need his loving hand to guide me. I am asking God once and for all to fully deliver me from this bondage I am under and lift me from this blackhole.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Beauty from Ashes
I write this post with a heavy heart, but also with a peace surrounding me that only one who believes in the great healer can understand. David and I have had a very difficult month an a half, more so on my end, and it is because of the heaviness I feel the need to get things off of my chest.
Let me first off start by saying I love my husband dearly. He is my biggest support and sometimes my only support, holding me up in ways that only one who knows you intimately can do. I am extremely proud of him, and anyone who has seen us together would know that I hold a strong pride in my spouse. He continues to provide for us both in meeting our physical needs but as well as our emotional and spiritual needs. My husband is my best friend and one of a handful of people I can honestly be myself around.
That being said, we have had some heartbreak that we did not feel the need to share until just a couple of days ago. We felt for both of our sakes it was best to talk about this heartbreak to others so that we could find some closure and healing. God has been incredibly loving and has held me up and brought me to friends that understand the heartache we have been facing. This this is difficult for me to write about, we have decided that it is time to share with the world what exactly has happened. So please bare with me as I am about to become very raw with my emotions.
David and I found out in early March that we were expecting and we were both terrified and thrilled at the same time. We believed that we had conceived sometime in January/ Early February as we had taken a couple of home pregnancy tests that were negative, but I hadn't started my monthly cycle yet. Initially we thought it was due to my PCOS and didn't think anything of it, as its fairly normal for me to be off every few months (and I was long overdue for an irregular month) but something just didn't feel right to me. We found out a week or so later that indeed I was pregnant and of course for any new parent the emotions came flooding through.
I of course did not take into account the fact that I have developed PCOS and with that comes its own set of issues during pregnancy. The long end of the story resulted in a miscarriage for us and I was devastated. Not only did it hurt in the physical sense, but my heart felt so incredibly wounded. I still mourn for my child, and though I know they are in a better place and with a loving God who can offer them a life far better than I could ever offer them, I still ask myself what life would have been like with a little Heselton running around.
Though I know we are no where near ready to have a child (seeing as we just got married under a year ago!) I still long for the day when I can call myself a mother. My biggest ambition in life is to be a mother, and dismal as that may sound to some of you, the majority of you know that I have a mothering and nurturing spirit. God has planted a desire in my heart to be a mother, and though I know some day that will come true, it still pains me not to have it now.
I also know that God can use this in a way that I have not yet figured out. He will bring beauty from these ashes and he is giving me the strength to heal. He allows me to have happy days and he also has given me the ability to feel on those sad days. The happy days are coming closer together and the sad days further apart, and in time I will have less and less sad days. I just pray that my loving Father will continue to lift me up when I call to him. He has given me the peace that I have and will continue to love me unconditionally.
Let me first off start by saying I love my husband dearly. He is my biggest support and sometimes my only support, holding me up in ways that only one who knows you intimately can do. I am extremely proud of him, and anyone who has seen us together would know that I hold a strong pride in my spouse. He continues to provide for us both in meeting our physical needs but as well as our emotional and spiritual needs. My husband is my best friend and one of a handful of people I can honestly be myself around.
That being said, we have had some heartbreak that we did not feel the need to share until just a couple of days ago. We felt for both of our sakes it was best to talk about this heartbreak to others so that we could find some closure and healing. God has been incredibly loving and has held me up and brought me to friends that understand the heartache we have been facing. This this is difficult for me to write about, we have decided that it is time to share with the world what exactly has happened. So please bare with me as I am about to become very raw with my emotions.
David and I found out in early March that we were expecting and we were both terrified and thrilled at the same time. We believed that we had conceived sometime in January/ Early February as we had taken a couple of home pregnancy tests that were negative, but I hadn't started my monthly cycle yet. Initially we thought it was due to my PCOS and didn't think anything of it, as its fairly normal for me to be off every few months (and I was long overdue for an irregular month) but something just didn't feel right to me. We found out a week or so later that indeed I was pregnant and of course for any new parent the emotions came flooding through.
I of course did not take into account the fact that I have developed PCOS and with that comes its own set of issues during pregnancy. The long end of the story resulted in a miscarriage for us and I was devastated. Not only did it hurt in the physical sense, but my heart felt so incredibly wounded. I still mourn for my child, and though I know they are in a better place and with a loving God who can offer them a life far better than I could ever offer them, I still ask myself what life would have been like with a little Heselton running around.
Though I know we are no where near ready to have a child (seeing as we just got married under a year ago!) I still long for the day when I can call myself a mother. My biggest ambition in life is to be a mother, and dismal as that may sound to some of you, the majority of you know that I have a mothering and nurturing spirit. God has planted a desire in my heart to be a mother, and though I know some day that will come true, it still pains me not to have it now.
I also know that God can use this in a way that I have not yet figured out. He will bring beauty from these ashes and he is giving me the strength to heal. He allows me to have happy days and he also has given me the ability to feel on those sad days. The happy days are coming closer together and the sad days further apart, and in time I will have less and less sad days. I just pray that my loving Father will continue to lift me up when I call to him. He has given me the peace that I have and will continue to love me unconditionally.
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