Dare I approach this subject. I don't know, but I'm going to.
Last night it was announced to the world that Robin Williams took his life in an apparent suicide. Needless to say I was shocked. I always pictured him in my minds eye as a happy-go-lucky man with little worry. But what is seen by the public is far from accurate, as it has been revealed.
I have read many articles, blog posts and comments today about this man's death. His personal struggles, that I in my naïve way knew little of, were the demons that ultimately lead to him taking his own life.
But what do we say to someone struggling with depression? Why is it such a taboo subject to discuss? And why, in this day and age, do we refuse to acknowledge it's existence?
Robin Williams' death got me really thinking. Thinking about my own personal darkness. I have been there. I have been so deep in a pit that had it not been for a few things I would have chosen the path he chose. I have felt hopeless and I have felt the despair that can not be resolved.
Here is something many don't know about me. I have contemplated suicide. At nineteen I sat in my bathroom in college with a razor blade pointed at my wrists, ready to slice my arm up. I felt hopeless. I felt alone. I felt dark. And I felt like no one cared. I dealt with a lot of demons, and the therapist I saw at the time will never know just how much I am thankful for her. My roommate will never know just how close I was to laying waste to my life. They just won't be able to understand how hopeless I felt. It's real. It's an ugly place to be.
But that wasn't the last time I felt this way. Bless David. Truly, he was the reason I didn't go through with suicide the second time I considered it. He and Lucy gave me something to live for. I had lost a baby. I didn't feel like I could go on. My life was shattered. Again, I sat on the bathroom floor. Again I held a razor to my body. Again it was a choice I couldn't go through with.
It took great strength for me to find something to be hopeful for, but I did. I found hope when I thought all hope was lost. It was by the grace of God that I found this hope. He alone was who saved me. But I have been there, and it's ugly.
Let me just say that suicide is selfish. It doesn't just affect your life, it affects everyone around you. I knew this, but in spite of this I wanted to end my life. Life didn't seem worth living. But then I was blessed. I found balance in my life and fought down my demons. I faced the music and I took ownership over my choices.
This doesn't mean that I don't feel like a screw up sometimes, but I have hope. I have found my way out of the pit. I have found love through Christ and I have found hope in knowing he loves me, no matter how I feel about myself.
I don't care what you believe, but find something to live for. Maybe a pet, a friend, a child, anything really. Seek help. Do not find shame in seeking that help. And do not let anyone tell you that your depression is made up. It's not. It's a real disease and deserves to be treated as such.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Sunday, June 29, 2014
A Glimpse at What Depression Really Looks Like
So this post has been a long while coming. I know I write off an on, but lately I have taken up journaling again. In a way it is therapeutic but also it just helps. I don't know why, but getting all of my thoughts out there, even the less than savory ones, helps me to be a better person. I find I am a bit more patient and a bit more even tempered. Though that is saying quite a bit for me (more on this in a few) to say the words patient and even tempered. These two words just generally are not in my vocabulary.
Upon reflecting about some of this stuff I had an idea that might help those around me gain some understanding about why I am the way I am. For me, I tend to more eloquently put down what needs to be said/what I'm thinking down in written word. I tend to be less confrontational this way and actually get out there what I am thinking without sounding hateful. (Or at least this is my hope.)
Soooo......drumroll please!! A day in the life of someone who suffers from depression. (Better known as a day in the life of Sarah Heselton.)
Generally speaking I am NOT a morning person. I HATE mornings with a passion. If I could stay up all night and sleep all day life would be perfect in my eyes. (Hence one of the many reasons why I love my job so much! Zero sense of time; YES PLEASE!) But life as a mostly full time stay at home mother does not allow for this. SO I struggle getting out of bed. I mean really struggle. Like wrestle with God about why life necessitates living outside of the confines of a bed struggle. Even when I'm medicated I still feel this way. I just hate morning that much. My husband can't seem to quite understand this concept, as he is an "Up to greet the sun" kind of guy. (Polar opposites anyone?!)
Once I am awoken by a child (usually my son, since he shares a bed with us), I muster up the strength to climb the stairs to start the day. It's a battle to put one foot in front of the other when I'm not medicated. I mean this. I probably can't say it enough. IT. IS. A. BATTLE!! Generally as I am climbing the stairs I am putting on my "game face" for the day. This can range from a look of anger to bright eyed and welcoming. Kind of depends on the day. Truly, it is a conscious choice every morning to attempt to be as pleasant as I can. It just isn't in my nature to be a jolly person first thing in the morning. (Save for a few circumstances.)
About this point in the day I have said some kind of prayer. One thing you may (or may not) know about me is that I have a quite active prayer life. I am constantly praying for strength to get through the day. Yes, it is a bit selfish those prayers, but truly it is what gets me through some points in my day. Morning being one of them.
After I get up the stairs usually lugging my 24lb toddler and my 35lb one on my heals, I proceed with the mundane tasks of the morning. Feeding children, putting our oldest on the toilet, getting kids dressed followed by getting myself dressed. This usually happens within a span of an hour. By this point I am less resentful about the fact that I am out of bed and generally feeling a little more cheery.
That said, on REALLY bad days I find myself getting slammed with an overwhelming sense of anxiety. Things like "Am I doing a good job with my kids?" and "Oh gracious, I have xyz chore to accomplish today." send me reeling faster than anything. Keep in mind it isn't ALWAYS like this, just on the particularly bad days. That's when my most commonly prayed prayer comes in for the day. Usually it goes something like this "Jesus, please calm my mind and help me to focus. Help me to be patient with my kids while I handle what needs done." USUALLY it works. I say usually because again, sometimes my body is just so completely out of balance that no amount of prayer is going to help me out.
I will be wickedly honest here. I am a TERRIBLE housekeeper. I mean, awful. It's getting better than it used to. (Trust me, you don't want to know how bad it really was in times past.) But part of the reason I am a terrible house keeper is I get overwhelmed by the thought of having to do this chore or that chore. And before you get all judgey (because I know some of you will) I have tried just about every method of organization for house keeping I can think of. But nothing has worked thus far, aside from staying medicated. My brain just doesn't work that way. Honestly I actually THINK and DO better when there is a bit of clutter around me. I feel closed in by rooms that are too orderly and that is a sure fire way to set in panic faster than anything else. I'm not talking filth here, just clutter. A few dirty clothes on the floor, dust on the shelves that sort of thing makes me feel at home and relaxed. It is what it is.
While we're on the topic of being medicated, I should say a few things about this. Medicated for me means a couple of things, depending on finances. Medicated for me can mean either Lexapro, a serotonin reuptake inhibitor, or some natural methods. If you know me you know I prefer natural methods FIRST over anything else BUT sometimes my brain is so out of whack even those don't fix the problem. And frankly they tend to be more exspensive than the $4 prescription.
Let me also just say that prayer doesn't always work. I am a believer in Jesus. Read my blogs of past and you can see this much, but there is a common problem in the church that drives me absolutely batty about depression. Praying the depression away doesn't work. I'm not saying God isn't the great healer, no that is not what I am saying at all, but we as believers need to step back and realize that SOMETIMES our people need medical help, therapy and many other things to help them through. It actually makes me angry when people say "I am praying for you." but offer to do little else. Thanks, I appreciate the prayers but sometimes I am silently screaming "HOW ABOUT A LITTLE HELP HERE!!" Even something as simple as offering to take my kids for an hour so I can regroup on the bad days would be nice. And trust me I have days where I think to myself "What the hell was I thinking?!"
Back on track with how the rest of my day goes. Usually after tackling chores (typically work related in nature) I spend some time with my kids. By this time I found the lunch hour has snuck up on me and I need to feed them something. So it is a quick game of "Ehh... nothing sounds good but I know I need to eat." in my brain followed by over indulging. Yeah, food and I are always at odds with each other. It's something I have been working on and battling for years.
Once lunch is wrapped up I play for a few more minutes with the kids followed by putting them down for naps. This is a battle with my son currently. Nathaniel HATES naps, but I'm a mean mommy and I make them take at least quiet time. It's my time to do what I want in the afternoons, dream and do a few more chores. Usually this is when dishes get washed, laundry gets thrown in the washer (I'm not so great at the folding and putting away part, but trying to make an effort to be better at it.) and I start gearing myself up for dinner time.
After naps it is dinner prep, where once again I have a bit of a dip in the day. By this point I am getting tired. My depression manifests itself in the form of being tired. I am one of those depressed people that could sleep my life away during the day, but at night can't sleep a wink unless I force myself to.
We go to the gym where I will try to force myself to do some kind of physical activity after dinner. Usually this involves swimming, as I am most relaxed when I am in the water, but some days it is walking on the treadmill or using the elliptical. We come home and we get the kids in bed. I nurse the youngest and read the oldest her bed time stories. Once they are in bed I get my "me time." where I go hide in my office for a while. Usually a half hour or so. I write, read and surf the web for a bit. Then I spend a little time with David before he is off to bed. Wherein I wrap up my day watching a bit of television and then head to bed myself. I wrestle with sleep for an hour or so and finally pass out around 11:30.
So you see, my life is mild compared to some I know. Here is the thing though. I can tell you all of this and to some of you, all you will see is someone who is lazy, unmotivated or directionless. I'm really not. My life is constant battle with my brain. My brain doesn't function properly. It is what it is. I don't know why God made me this way, but he did.
I also know that the dysfunctional brain also is a blessing. Some will not see it that way, but to me it allows me to look at things through a different lens. It makes me compassionate to others. It drives much of what I do concerning my job and it gives me passion. My brain has its glitches, but in it all I am not sure I would change that. It makes me who I am and honestly it helps me to understand better so that I can do my job of supporting women.
My brain is also highly intelligent. I may not come off that way to some, but my brain is full of information. Especially surrounding birth. I know many statistics, thought processes of nurses, midwives and OBs and I am a damn good doula because of that. (and I sure hope that one day I will be a damn good midwife because of it!) I research, I learn and I am constantly absorbing information about my craft. I am who I am and I accept that sometimes I am a bit glitch. And when I am, I have medication to help me be the best person I can be.
Upon reflecting about some of this stuff I had an idea that might help those around me gain some understanding about why I am the way I am. For me, I tend to more eloquently put down what needs to be said/what I'm thinking down in written word. I tend to be less confrontational this way and actually get out there what I am thinking without sounding hateful. (Or at least this is my hope.)
Soooo......drumroll please!! A day in the life of someone who suffers from depression. (Better known as a day in the life of Sarah Heselton.)
Generally speaking I am NOT a morning person. I HATE mornings with a passion. If I could stay up all night and sleep all day life would be perfect in my eyes. (Hence one of the many reasons why I love my job so much! Zero sense of time; YES PLEASE!) But life as a mostly full time stay at home mother does not allow for this. SO I struggle getting out of bed. I mean really struggle. Like wrestle with God about why life necessitates living outside of the confines of a bed struggle. Even when I'm medicated I still feel this way. I just hate morning that much. My husband can't seem to quite understand this concept, as he is an "Up to greet the sun" kind of guy. (Polar opposites anyone?!)
Once I am awoken by a child (usually my son, since he shares a bed with us), I muster up the strength to climb the stairs to start the day. It's a battle to put one foot in front of the other when I'm not medicated. I mean this. I probably can't say it enough. IT. IS. A. BATTLE!! Generally as I am climbing the stairs I am putting on my "game face" for the day. This can range from a look of anger to bright eyed and welcoming. Kind of depends on the day. Truly, it is a conscious choice every morning to attempt to be as pleasant as I can. It just isn't in my nature to be a jolly person first thing in the morning. (Save for a few circumstances.)
About this point in the day I have said some kind of prayer. One thing you may (or may not) know about me is that I have a quite active prayer life. I am constantly praying for strength to get through the day. Yes, it is a bit selfish those prayers, but truly it is what gets me through some points in my day. Morning being one of them.
After I get up the stairs usually lugging my 24lb toddler and my 35lb one on my heals, I proceed with the mundane tasks of the morning. Feeding children, putting our oldest on the toilet, getting kids dressed followed by getting myself dressed. This usually happens within a span of an hour. By this point I am less resentful about the fact that I am out of bed and generally feeling a little more cheery.
That said, on REALLY bad days I find myself getting slammed with an overwhelming sense of anxiety. Things like "Am I doing a good job with my kids?" and "Oh gracious, I have xyz chore to accomplish today." send me reeling faster than anything. Keep in mind it isn't ALWAYS like this, just on the particularly bad days. That's when my most commonly prayed prayer comes in for the day. Usually it goes something like this "Jesus, please calm my mind and help me to focus. Help me to be patient with my kids while I handle what needs done." USUALLY it works. I say usually because again, sometimes my body is just so completely out of balance that no amount of prayer is going to help me out.
I will be wickedly honest here. I am a TERRIBLE housekeeper. I mean, awful. It's getting better than it used to. (Trust me, you don't want to know how bad it really was in times past.) But part of the reason I am a terrible house keeper is I get overwhelmed by the thought of having to do this chore or that chore. And before you get all judgey (because I know some of you will) I have tried just about every method of organization for house keeping I can think of. But nothing has worked thus far, aside from staying medicated. My brain just doesn't work that way. Honestly I actually THINK and DO better when there is a bit of clutter around me. I feel closed in by rooms that are too orderly and that is a sure fire way to set in panic faster than anything else. I'm not talking filth here, just clutter. A few dirty clothes on the floor, dust on the shelves that sort of thing makes me feel at home and relaxed. It is what it is.
While we're on the topic of being medicated, I should say a few things about this. Medicated for me means a couple of things, depending on finances. Medicated for me can mean either Lexapro, a serotonin reuptake inhibitor, or some natural methods. If you know me you know I prefer natural methods FIRST over anything else BUT sometimes my brain is so out of whack even those don't fix the problem. And frankly they tend to be more exspensive than the $4 prescription.
Let me also just say that prayer doesn't always work. I am a believer in Jesus. Read my blogs of past and you can see this much, but there is a common problem in the church that drives me absolutely batty about depression. Praying the depression away doesn't work. I'm not saying God isn't the great healer, no that is not what I am saying at all, but we as believers need to step back and realize that SOMETIMES our people need medical help, therapy and many other things to help them through. It actually makes me angry when people say "I am praying for you." but offer to do little else. Thanks, I appreciate the prayers but sometimes I am silently screaming "HOW ABOUT A LITTLE HELP HERE!!" Even something as simple as offering to take my kids for an hour so I can regroup on the bad days would be nice. And trust me I have days where I think to myself "What the hell was I thinking?!"
Back on track with how the rest of my day goes. Usually after tackling chores (typically work related in nature) I spend some time with my kids. By this time I found the lunch hour has snuck up on me and I need to feed them something. So it is a quick game of "Ehh... nothing sounds good but I know I need to eat." in my brain followed by over indulging. Yeah, food and I are always at odds with each other. It's something I have been working on and battling for years.
Once lunch is wrapped up I play for a few more minutes with the kids followed by putting them down for naps. This is a battle with my son currently. Nathaniel HATES naps, but I'm a mean mommy and I make them take at least quiet time. It's my time to do what I want in the afternoons, dream and do a few more chores. Usually this is when dishes get washed, laundry gets thrown in the washer (I'm not so great at the folding and putting away part, but trying to make an effort to be better at it.) and I start gearing myself up for dinner time.
After naps it is dinner prep, where once again I have a bit of a dip in the day. By this point I am getting tired. My depression manifests itself in the form of being tired. I am one of those depressed people that could sleep my life away during the day, but at night can't sleep a wink unless I force myself to.
We go to the gym where I will try to force myself to do some kind of physical activity after dinner. Usually this involves swimming, as I am most relaxed when I am in the water, but some days it is walking on the treadmill or using the elliptical. We come home and we get the kids in bed. I nurse the youngest and read the oldest her bed time stories. Once they are in bed I get my "me time." where I go hide in my office for a while. Usually a half hour or so. I write, read and surf the web for a bit. Then I spend a little time with David before he is off to bed. Wherein I wrap up my day watching a bit of television and then head to bed myself. I wrestle with sleep for an hour or so and finally pass out around 11:30.
So you see, my life is mild compared to some I know. Here is the thing though. I can tell you all of this and to some of you, all you will see is someone who is lazy, unmotivated or directionless. I'm really not. My life is constant battle with my brain. My brain doesn't function properly. It is what it is. I don't know why God made me this way, but he did.
I also know that the dysfunctional brain also is a blessing. Some will not see it that way, but to me it allows me to look at things through a different lens. It makes me compassionate to others. It drives much of what I do concerning my job and it gives me passion. My brain has its glitches, but in it all I am not sure I would change that. It makes me who I am and honestly it helps me to understand better so that I can do my job of supporting women.
My brain is also highly intelligent. I may not come off that way to some, but my brain is full of information. Especially surrounding birth. I know many statistics, thought processes of nurses, midwives and OBs and I am a damn good doula because of that. (and I sure hope that one day I will be a damn good midwife because of it!) I research, I learn and I am constantly absorbing information about my craft. I am who I am and I accept that sometimes I am a bit glitch. And when I am, I have medication to help me be the best person I can be.
Friday, April 11, 2014
It's about time
It's no big secret I struggle with weight. For years I have battled with my waist line. By some standards I could be considered to have an eating disorder. Though I'm not sure I'm willing to go to that extreme in labeling my love and obsession with food, I am a freely admitting I have a problem.
Here's the thing, I LOVE to eat. I love foods of all kinds. In fact, I can safely assume that I have ALWAYS liked to eat. I come from a family of excellent cooks, well meaning grandparents that overfeed, and family members that love to eat equally as much as I do. Heck, most of our family gatherings growing up involved food in some capacity or other. Simply put, I can't escape food, and frankly who would want to?!
So what's a girl like me to do when they want to find a healthy balance between food and life? Limiting calories didn't work, I always walked away hungry and I was cranky at the end of the day. Gluten free didn't work. It was far too difficult for me and my family HATED it. Vegetarianism? Forget it! I love me some meat! Atkins? Nope! Not gonna work, I enjoy eating fruit too much. Weight Watchers? Too time consuming, not cost effective and I never felt satisfied. See my dilemma?
New on the scene in many churches, women's study groups and dieters circles is a program called Trim Healthy Mama. Dare I try it? Could this be the answer I have been looking for to shed the unwanted weight, feel healthy again and still satisfy my family? So I got the book starting on Sunday evening and have been giving it a good read through. I have to say, so far I am enjoying the read, have found myself to agree with **most** of the information and have seen plenty of success stories to feel like it is worth an honest try.
The kicker, NO FOOD GROUP IS OFF LIMITS! I am praying that through working through the book, learning this style of eating and LOTS of focus I am able to shed the weight. What's more is that I am deeply praying that I can lift the bondage food has held over me for years. I'm not sure why, but food has always been a coping mechanism for me. It's the way I deal with emotional situations and it's my way of avoiding what is truly bothering me.
Now for me to be this transparent with you, there is something one should understand. As a general rule, when it comes to my eating habits I am not very honest with myself. It is painful to be this transparent but it's something I am learning I NEED to be more honest about. I will never overcome this sinful mentality about food (often bordering on gluttonous) if I don't share with others what i'm really struggling with.
I'm a control freak too. Being unable to control 100% of my life, my children's behavior or other people's behavior drive me crazy. Food IS the one thing I CAN control. I have had an unhealthy relationship with food for years and that HAS to stop or I am going to eat myself into an early grave. For the sake of my children and husband I just can't do that. There are certain people and situations in my life that make it worse. Frankly, the fact that I march to the beat of my own drum creates some of those situations.
My husband doesn't quite understand either. Oh, he TRIES to understand, but unless you have had a power struggle with food or emotional eating, it's difficult for people to understand. But I'm prayerfully letting it go. Did you read that? I'M LETTING IT GO! Food will no longer have the power of me.
Does that mean I am going to stop eating or enjoying food? No way! God made me to enjoy food and he made food enjoyable for his people. That's why we can't survive on just water, sunshine or the air! We HAVE to have food. So why not enjoy it? Why not find joy in it again? With some hard work, lots of prayer and a little encouragement I can and WILL do this! It's about time after all.
Here's the thing, I LOVE to eat. I love foods of all kinds. In fact, I can safely assume that I have ALWAYS liked to eat. I come from a family of excellent cooks, well meaning grandparents that overfeed, and family members that love to eat equally as much as I do. Heck, most of our family gatherings growing up involved food in some capacity or other. Simply put, I can't escape food, and frankly who would want to?!
So what's a girl like me to do when they want to find a healthy balance between food and life? Limiting calories didn't work, I always walked away hungry and I was cranky at the end of the day. Gluten free didn't work. It was far too difficult for me and my family HATED it. Vegetarianism? Forget it! I love me some meat! Atkins? Nope! Not gonna work, I enjoy eating fruit too much. Weight Watchers? Too time consuming, not cost effective and I never felt satisfied. See my dilemma?
New on the scene in many churches, women's study groups and dieters circles is a program called Trim Healthy Mama. Dare I try it? Could this be the answer I have been looking for to shed the unwanted weight, feel healthy again and still satisfy my family? So I got the book starting on Sunday evening and have been giving it a good read through. I have to say, so far I am enjoying the read, have found myself to agree with **most** of the information and have seen plenty of success stories to feel like it is worth an honest try.
The kicker, NO FOOD GROUP IS OFF LIMITS! I am praying that through working through the book, learning this style of eating and LOTS of focus I am able to shed the weight. What's more is that I am deeply praying that I can lift the bondage food has held over me for years. I'm not sure why, but food has always been a coping mechanism for me. It's the way I deal with emotional situations and it's my way of avoiding what is truly bothering me.
Now for me to be this transparent with you, there is something one should understand. As a general rule, when it comes to my eating habits I am not very honest with myself. It is painful to be this transparent but it's something I am learning I NEED to be more honest about. I will never overcome this sinful mentality about food (often bordering on gluttonous) if I don't share with others what i'm really struggling with.
I'm a control freak too. Being unable to control 100% of my life, my children's behavior or other people's behavior drive me crazy. Food IS the one thing I CAN control. I have had an unhealthy relationship with food for years and that HAS to stop or I am going to eat myself into an early grave. For the sake of my children and husband I just can't do that. There are certain people and situations in my life that make it worse. Frankly, the fact that I march to the beat of my own drum creates some of those situations.
My husband doesn't quite understand either. Oh, he TRIES to understand, but unless you have had a power struggle with food or emotional eating, it's difficult for people to understand. But I'm prayerfully letting it go. Did you read that? I'M LETTING IT GO! Food will no longer have the power of me.
Does that mean I am going to stop eating or enjoying food? No way! God made me to enjoy food and he made food enjoyable for his people. That's why we can't survive on just water, sunshine or the air! We HAVE to have food. So why not enjoy it? Why not find joy in it again? With some hard work, lots of prayer and a little encouragement I can and WILL do this! It's about time after all.
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Musings of a late night rambler
I know, I haven't updated or written a post in FOREVER. Shocker! Alas, it seems life has taken over and things like my joy of writing, even if it is about myself/family, has been placed on the back burner in favor of the everyday task of caring for my growing family.
SOOOO....here is a mini-update for my non-facebook readers as well as a few of my ramblings to follow.
Update #1
Alexandra is now talking in full sentences. I know, a bit delayed, but still a victory nevertheless. Her favorite one right now is "I did it!" She is also potty training, a task that is proving to be herculean, but that she eems to be making progress in. She LOVES Sophia the First. It is usually her choice of television shows for TV time. We **try** to limit television time to one hour a day, but some days it is just a task not worth fighting over, so she ends up getting more. (Admittedly, today she was feeling under the weather with what appears to be the cold everyone else has had, so I let it slide. Tomorrow we will do better.) We balance life out with lots of play time and she has recently discovered finger painting. She also enjoys her bath time and looks forward to it to finger "paint" the tub walls.
Update #2
Nathaniel is CRAWLING! **Insert nostalgic glance at baby** Oh how this tired mama longs for the days when he was just content to cuddle all day. Don't get me wrong, its fun having a curious baby who is eager to explore his world, but it sure makes things a bit more challenging. He is also jabbering up a storm. He loves books, just like his sister, and he LOVES food! Bath time is becoming more of a challenge too, as he has figured out how to pull up on furniture and the bath tub is the perfect height for little hands to grasp.
Update #3
David and I are doing well and seem to be adjusting to a new routine with his work schedule. It's tough, but manageable. It makes bedtime routines sometimes a challenge, as we have started working on getting Nathaniel to sleep by about 7pm, but it is doable on my own. Alexandra is going through a phase right now where she doesn't want to sleep without mommy snuggles before bed, so I will admit putting the baby to bed can be tough when it is just me.
Update #4
My job is starting to pick up again somewhat. :-) I am learning whole new side to birth and LOVING it! I mean really, who gets this excited about a job, unless they love it. No joke, my favorite part of the day is studying the placenta. LOL! Most people are grossed about by this thought, but I find that organ fascinating. It's great fun to me. I am also going to be starting my journey this summer into birth assisting. I'm not sure quite yet how that is going to fit in with my family, but I am excited to see. I know it is going to be a blessing for us both financially, but also as it will press me further in the direction I want to go as a midwife. Without a doubt I can say it is my dream, and while it is a long way off, it is attainable with some hard work, LOTS of births and a great preceptor. I'm a little intimidated by how long it may take, but I'm up for the challenge. Truth be told, I've NEVER been this passionate about ANYTHING in my entire life. Just finding the funds to achieve it all will be difficult, as student loans do not pay for the majority of it. At some point in the very near future I will be making a major "wish list" of midwifery related books and tools I will be needing at some point. We plan to prioritize and purchase as we can.
Now that I've got the obligatory update out of the way, I will share some more about what I have been mulling over in my head this evening.
I recently read a blog post by one of my fellow mamas that really smacked me in the face. She spoke about our personalities and how God created her just the way she is. It really hit home for me on a lot of levels.
Recently I have been struggling some as a mom. My own fear of failure sometimes creeps into my relationship with my kids. Frankly it has been tougher than I thought adjusting to having two children. The first initial weeks were easy, but as time has gone on I had a harder time adjusting than I thought I would.
So how does this relate to the blog post you ask? It occurred to me that, as I was reading this post, I realized my struggles with my kids came down to personalities. See, here it the thing, when I feel overly criticized, I shut down. Parents can't escape the critics, doesn't matter where you go, everyone has an opinion about how you should raise your children. So, as is my nature, I have been shutting down some to criticism.
Well, I have one child that is very much like me, and one child that seems to be very much like her father, with a few things smattered in there that belong to me. Everyone has a comment to make about one child or the other and I find that incredibly unfair to them and to me. Let me just start off by saying, I do the best I can. Yes, I fall short in A LOT of areas, but I honestly do my best. Some days are just better than others.
Recently I noticed I was becoming distant from my daughter and couldn't figure out why I felt like there was a void there. I just couldn't put my finger on it until my husband pointed out that she is at an age where she likes to DO things with me. So I have started to make an effort to put down the phone, the computer, the TV, or whatever and spend quality time with her. It's hard. I'll admit it. Technology is a HUGE part of my job, especially social media, and becoming unplugged is a challenge that is often difficult to overcome.
So as I unplug for those times I am playing with her I have noticed something. Her personality is growing and changing before my eyes. I am seeing unfold before me a beautiful soul I never realized existed. She is so LOVING. She is so compassionate and she is incredibly sensitive. I found myself reading that blog post tonight and silently crying knowing I had missed on too much of my toddler's life. I'm too busy doing and accomplishing that I had forgotten to soak in this beautiful life I had a part in creating. And I found myself suddenly sad for the parts I have missed over the last six or so months. I have been so busy creating this image of a "put together" mom that I forgot to love on my daughter.
So I challenge you all to unplug. Even if for just five minutes. Observe. Observe the lives before you, especially if you have children and soak in the little moments. It goes by far to quickly and you are likely to miss something important, especially something you may find insightful about their personalities. Instead, put it to the side and wait until the children are in bed, when you spouse is in bed or when all is quite to be with technology. It can wait. I can wait. And trust me I am going to TRY my hardest to do better and make things wait until my kids are asleep, my daughter doesn't need me or my son doesn't need me so that I can be the best mama to my two beautiful children. Who knows what you might learn, but I can guarantee you won't have a regret about it.
SOOOO....here is a mini-update for my non-facebook readers as well as a few of my ramblings to follow.
Update #1
Alexandra is now talking in full sentences. I know, a bit delayed, but still a victory nevertheless. Her favorite one right now is "I did it!" She is also potty training, a task that is proving to be herculean, but that she eems to be making progress in. She LOVES Sophia the First. It is usually her choice of television shows for TV time. We **try** to limit television time to one hour a day, but some days it is just a task not worth fighting over, so she ends up getting more. (Admittedly, today she was feeling under the weather with what appears to be the cold everyone else has had, so I let it slide. Tomorrow we will do better.) We balance life out with lots of play time and she has recently discovered finger painting. She also enjoys her bath time and looks forward to it to finger "paint" the tub walls.
Update #2
Nathaniel is CRAWLING! **Insert nostalgic glance at baby** Oh how this tired mama longs for the days when he was just content to cuddle all day. Don't get me wrong, its fun having a curious baby who is eager to explore his world, but it sure makes things a bit more challenging. He is also jabbering up a storm. He loves books, just like his sister, and he LOVES food! Bath time is becoming more of a challenge too, as he has figured out how to pull up on furniture and the bath tub is the perfect height for little hands to grasp.
Update #3
David and I are doing well and seem to be adjusting to a new routine with his work schedule. It's tough, but manageable. It makes bedtime routines sometimes a challenge, as we have started working on getting Nathaniel to sleep by about 7pm, but it is doable on my own. Alexandra is going through a phase right now where she doesn't want to sleep without mommy snuggles before bed, so I will admit putting the baby to bed can be tough when it is just me.
Update #4
My job is starting to pick up again somewhat. :-) I am learning whole new side to birth and LOVING it! I mean really, who gets this excited about a job, unless they love it. No joke, my favorite part of the day is studying the placenta. LOL! Most people are grossed about by this thought, but I find that organ fascinating. It's great fun to me. I am also going to be starting my journey this summer into birth assisting. I'm not sure quite yet how that is going to fit in with my family, but I am excited to see. I know it is going to be a blessing for us both financially, but also as it will press me further in the direction I want to go as a midwife. Without a doubt I can say it is my dream, and while it is a long way off, it is attainable with some hard work, LOTS of births and a great preceptor. I'm a little intimidated by how long it may take, but I'm up for the challenge. Truth be told, I've NEVER been this passionate about ANYTHING in my entire life. Just finding the funds to achieve it all will be difficult, as student loans do not pay for the majority of it. At some point in the very near future I will be making a major "wish list" of midwifery related books and tools I will be needing at some point. We plan to prioritize and purchase as we can.
Now that I've got the obligatory update out of the way, I will share some more about what I have been mulling over in my head this evening.
I recently read a blog post by one of my fellow mamas that really smacked me in the face. She spoke about our personalities and how God created her just the way she is. It really hit home for me on a lot of levels.
Recently I have been struggling some as a mom. My own fear of failure sometimes creeps into my relationship with my kids. Frankly it has been tougher than I thought adjusting to having two children. The first initial weeks were easy, but as time has gone on I had a harder time adjusting than I thought I would.
So how does this relate to the blog post you ask? It occurred to me that, as I was reading this post, I realized my struggles with my kids came down to personalities. See, here it the thing, when I feel overly criticized, I shut down. Parents can't escape the critics, doesn't matter where you go, everyone has an opinion about how you should raise your children. So, as is my nature, I have been shutting down some to criticism.
Well, I have one child that is very much like me, and one child that seems to be very much like her father, with a few things smattered in there that belong to me. Everyone has a comment to make about one child or the other and I find that incredibly unfair to them and to me. Let me just start off by saying, I do the best I can. Yes, I fall short in A LOT of areas, but I honestly do my best. Some days are just better than others.
Recently I noticed I was becoming distant from my daughter and couldn't figure out why I felt like there was a void there. I just couldn't put my finger on it until my husband pointed out that she is at an age where she likes to DO things with me. So I have started to make an effort to put down the phone, the computer, the TV, or whatever and spend quality time with her. It's hard. I'll admit it. Technology is a HUGE part of my job, especially social media, and becoming unplugged is a challenge that is often difficult to overcome.
So as I unplug for those times I am playing with her I have noticed something. Her personality is growing and changing before my eyes. I am seeing unfold before me a beautiful soul I never realized existed. She is so LOVING. She is so compassionate and she is incredibly sensitive. I found myself reading that blog post tonight and silently crying knowing I had missed on too much of my toddler's life. I'm too busy doing and accomplishing that I had forgotten to soak in this beautiful life I had a part in creating. And I found myself suddenly sad for the parts I have missed over the last six or so months. I have been so busy creating this image of a "put together" mom that I forgot to love on my daughter.
So I challenge you all to unplug. Even if for just five minutes. Observe. Observe the lives before you, especially if you have children and soak in the little moments. It goes by far to quickly and you are likely to miss something important, especially something you may find insightful about their personalities. Instead, put it to the side and wait until the children are in bed, when you spouse is in bed or when all is quite to be with technology. It can wait. I can wait. And trust me I am going to TRY my hardest to do better and make things wait until my kids are asleep, my daughter doesn't need me or my son doesn't need me so that I can be the best mama to my two beautiful children. Who knows what you might learn, but I can guarantee you won't have a regret about it.
Friday, September 6, 2013
Parenting
I'll admit it, I am less than "conventional" in my parenting choices. This much is evident just by looking at my photos on Facebook or having a five minute conversation with me. We co-sleep so I can get the maximum amount of sleep that feeding a newborn/infant demands, I babywear, I believe in natural child birth, my son is uncircumcised, I believe in using natural medicine the majority of the time (but acknowledge that Western Medicine DOES have it's place), and I believe in gentle disciple. While home this weekend visiting family I was given many "are you crazy?!" looks when some of these facts came to light. It's true, in some people's eyes I am a bit crazy, but it is okay.
Here is the thing. I don't feel that as a mom I should have to constantly defend my choices to parent the way I feel is most effective. I don't question you when you make a choice that I am not on board with. I do what is best for my family in my personal opinion. Sometimes those choices are not even the same amongst myself and my spouse, but we do the best that we can because that's what we know we should do. We aren't perfect, but we love our two children.
I don't usually broadcast to the world about my feelings concerning circumcision, so I had one person that was highly surprised to find out that we did not have Nathaniel circumcised. The biggest reason for me was that I did not want to put my child under the knife for a cosmetic surgery when it was not needed. If he chooses to have it done later in life, it was his choice and I will support that. Truthfully, having my daughter's ears pierced without her having a say about it was one of my biggest parenting regrets. I believe that circumcision is a HIGHLY personal choice, just as personal as who you vote for or your religious faith and not one that should EVER be questioned. You don't know my reasons and I don't feel I have to explain them to you.
Yet another example is my choice to breastfeed. Please people, if a mom is breastfeeding, PLEASE, PLEASE ,PLEASE, PLEASE, do not suggest to her that "maybe they are still hungry" or "maybe a little formula wouldn't hurt them." There are some people that are so "old school" on this thought that they have a closed mind and are not willing to be educated on breastfeeding a baby. Yes, I know my babies eat frequently and sometimes for super long periods of time, but that is NORMAL for them. I don't mind (most days) and know that this is but a short season in their lives, before long he will be too busy and too independent for me to enjoy this special time. All this does is to accomplish is discourage a breastfeeding mom and make her feel as though she is inadequate.
And finally, please be respectful of our choices. No matter if you are a friend or family, if a mom or dad says something concerning their child, respect their wishes. If a mom says "I do not want my child to have too much television time." then the logical thing would be to honor her wish and limit television time. If a dad says "We don't let them have sweets." honor that wish, regardless of how you feel about the parents choices, if they are not directly harming their children, who cares what they choose? Shut your mouth, sit down and honor their requests, it isn't your place to interject your thoughts or feelings unless they ASK you.
Yes I know in recent years I have become more outspoken about my feelings, but the fact of the matter is when it comes to my children I really don't give a darn what you think, they are my children and I will parent them how I feel is best. I know that this whole post is a bit of a rant, but there so many more things I could cover that I didn't even get into.
Here is the thing. I don't feel that as a mom I should have to constantly defend my choices to parent the way I feel is most effective. I don't question you when you make a choice that I am not on board with. I do what is best for my family in my personal opinion. Sometimes those choices are not even the same amongst myself and my spouse, but we do the best that we can because that's what we know we should do. We aren't perfect, but we love our two children.
I don't usually broadcast to the world about my feelings concerning circumcision, so I had one person that was highly surprised to find out that we did not have Nathaniel circumcised. The biggest reason for me was that I did not want to put my child under the knife for a cosmetic surgery when it was not needed. If he chooses to have it done later in life, it was his choice and I will support that. Truthfully, having my daughter's ears pierced without her having a say about it was one of my biggest parenting regrets. I believe that circumcision is a HIGHLY personal choice, just as personal as who you vote for or your religious faith and not one that should EVER be questioned. You don't know my reasons and I don't feel I have to explain them to you.
Yet another example is my choice to breastfeed. Please people, if a mom is breastfeeding, PLEASE, PLEASE ,PLEASE, PLEASE, do not suggest to her that "maybe they are still hungry" or "maybe a little formula wouldn't hurt them." There are some people that are so "old school" on this thought that they have a closed mind and are not willing to be educated on breastfeeding a baby. Yes, I know my babies eat frequently and sometimes for super long periods of time, but that is NORMAL for them. I don't mind (most days) and know that this is but a short season in their lives, before long he will be too busy and too independent for me to enjoy this special time. All this does is to accomplish is discourage a breastfeeding mom and make her feel as though she is inadequate.
And finally, please be respectful of our choices. No matter if you are a friend or family, if a mom or dad says something concerning their child, respect their wishes. If a mom says "I do not want my child to have too much television time." then the logical thing would be to honor her wish and limit television time. If a dad says "We don't let them have sweets." honor that wish, regardless of how you feel about the parents choices, if they are not directly harming their children, who cares what they choose? Shut your mouth, sit down and honor their requests, it isn't your place to interject your thoughts or feelings unless they ASK you.
Yes I know in recent years I have become more outspoken about my feelings, but the fact of the matter is when it comes to my children I really don't give a darn what you think, they are my children and I will parent them how I feel is best. I know that this whole post is a bit of a rant, but there so many more things I could cover that I didn't even get into.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
VMA Debacle
Well, as you can guess my title, I am writing about the VMA's. Without hesitation I will proudly admit that I did not watch it. In recent years I have decided to consciously quite watching much MTV, though admittedly I DO still watch re-runs of Teen Mom and 16 and Pregnant when my kid's aren't around, I have made a conscious effort in recent history to try and set an example of positive television for my children.
Okay, now that I have admitted that I did not watch them, I will write what I have to. I am a mom, and as such I look at the world through a whole new set of eyes. I see things in both positive and negative lights. I read enough on the VMA debacle to feel confident is saying that it was just exactly that, a debacle of the greatest proportions.
First let's address the Miley situation. I'm sorry, this was not appropriate in the least bit. I do NOT want my daughter watching her and thinking it is okay to behave in such an awful manner. Sexuality is fine. I have no problem with it. In fact, I feel it is healthy... in the right context. For me, that is in a loving committed relationship (yes, I'm talking marriage here) and in the privacy of your own home. There is no way I would be caught dead prancing around groping a man's crotch (who is MARRIED and a FATHER!) or behaving so lewdly! And heaven help either of my children if they were caught behaving this way. No joke, they would not see the light of day for a month. Yeah, I'm that mom.
When did it become okay for a woman to behave this way. Look, I'm all for women's rights. I fancy myself somewhat of a feminist, but being a feminist does not equate to being a slut. Being a feminist equates to respect for yourself, loving your body no matter what it looks like and loving other women just the way they are. It also means giving women a voice. I'm not talking about a voice that gives them an excuse to behave in such a manner as to disrespect themselves, but a voice to speak up for what is right. And what is right here is for her to have enough self respect to say "I'm beautiful, just the way I am. I don't need a man's attention to prove that and I don't need the world's attention to prove that."
We have fallen so far away from what it means to have self respect that girls are now finding it attractive to thrust themselves upon men like they are some consolation prize. Girls, I have news for you. You deserve so much more respect than this! You are not a conquest. You deserve to find a man that treats you as a special gift, perfect and beautiful just the way you are. You deserve to find a man who will work with you, being your partner and helpmate, building you up along the way. You do not deserve to feel that being immodest is going to get you the attention you so desire. In fact all it does is end up in a broken heart and a lonely home. Having the courage to stand up in the face of what the world tells us is sexy is what it means to have self respect. Having faith that you are beautiful just the way you are is enough and the sexiest thing in the world.
Now that I have said all of that on the girls, let me address the boys. Robin Thick, you are disgusting. Taking advantage of a young girl in a vulnerable state is no way to be a man! You are a father for goodness sake, stand up and act like one! Would you want your children to behave in this manor. I certainly hope not, because if you think it is okay for a man to treat a young lady in such a manner you, my sir, need to have your head examined. Yeah, I know I just said it bluntly and (to some) hatefully but let me tell you folks, if a scum bag like this were to come around my daughter there would be hell to pay. Then again, I hope I am raising my child to know she is beautiful no matter what and that this attention is not what she should be getting.
On that note, if I EVER caught my son behaving this way I would definitely be kicking his butt from here to kingdom come. Again, this is about self respect. My son better not think it is okay to be giving ladies this kind of attention. You bet your bottom dollar if he did, I did not do my job as a parent correctly. There is no reason at all for a man to behave in such a manner as to give positive reinforcement to this kind of behavior.
While I'm at it, here is another fact that ticks me off. Where in his right mind did he think it is okay to start talking/singing about blurred lines? Hello!! No woman (okay so maybe there are a few out there, but see above rant) wants to feel so objectified! Why would you think it is fun to sing about sex in such a manner? How disrespectful can you be?
What happened to honoring and cherishing your wedding vows? For someone who is married, don't you think it wise to take some stock in those vows you quoted before your partner? I'm sorry, but if my spouse were to sing a song about that, I may have to stop and take stock in his faithfulness to me. Luckily I don't have to worry about that though, since my in-laws raised their boys to be respectful of women. By the way, where is this man's self respect?
Why on earth is he encouraging this young girl to behave in such a manor. I have to wonder how a father could look at this once clean cut young lady and encourage such a behavior. I would certainly hope that a decent father would be ashamed of her behavior, especially when so many young girls STILL look up to her.
With all of this being said, I want you all to know I have nothing against feeling sexy. In fact I am all for it, but there is a line that needs to be drawn and it has been crossed over on many regards. You can still be sexy while leaving yourself covered. In fact, often times men find the mystery more sexy than the "nothing left to the imagination" look.
Okay, now that I have admitted that I did not watch them, I will write what I have to. I am a mom, and as such I look at the world through a whole new set of eyes. I see things in both positive and negative lights. I read enough on the VMA debacle to feel confident is saying that it was just exactly that, a debacle of the greatest proportions.
First let's address the Miley situation. I'm sorry, this was not appropriate in the least bit. I do NOT want my daughter watching her and thinking it is okay to behave in such an awful manner. Sexuality is fine. I have no problem with it. In fact, I feel it is healthy... in the right context. For me, that is in a loving committed relationship (yes, I'm talking marriage here) and in the privacy of your own home. There is no way I would be caught dead prancing around groping a man's crotch (who is MARRIED and a FATHER!) or behaving so lewdly! And heaven help either of my children if they were caught behaving this way. No joke, they would not see the light of day for a month. Yeah, I'm that mom.
When did it become okay for a woman to behave this way. Look, I'm all for women's rights. I fancy myself somewhat of a feminist, but being a feminist does not equate to being a slut. Being a feminist equates to respect for yourself, loving your body no matter what it looks like and loving other women just the way they are. It also means giving women a voice. I'm not talking about a voice that gives them an excuse to behave in such a manner as to disrespect themselves, but a voice to speak up for what is right. And what is right here is for her to have enough self respect to say "I'm beautiful, just the way I am. I don't need a man's attention to prove that and I don't need the world's attention to prove that."
We have fallen so far away from what it means to have self respect that girls are now finding it attractive to thrust themselves upon men like they are some consolation prize. Girls, I have news for you. You deserve so much more respect than this! You are not a conquest. You deserve to find a man that treats you as a special gift, perfect and beautiful just the way you are. You deserve to find a man who will work with you, being your partner and helpmate, building you up along the way. You do not deserve to feel that being immodest is going to get you the attention you so desire. In fact all it does is end up in a broken heart and a lonely home. Having the courage to stand up in the face of what the world tells us is sexy is what it means to have self respect. Having faith that you are beautiful just the way you are is enough and the sexiest thing in the world.
Now that I have said all of that on the girls, let me address the boys. Robin Thick, you are disgusting. Taking advantage of a young girl in a vulnerable state is no way to be a man! You are a father for goodness sake, stand up and act like one! Would you want your children to behave in this manor. I certainly hope not, because if you think it is okay for a man to treat a young lady in such a manner you, my sir, need to have your head examined. Yeah, I know I just said it bluntly and (to some) hatefully but let me tell you folks, if a scum bag like this were to come around my daughter there would be hell to pay. Then again, I hope I am raising my child to know she is beautiful no matter what and that this attention is not what she should be getting.
On that note, if I EVER caught my son behaving this way I would definitely be kicking his butt from here to kingdom come. Again, this is about self respect. My son better not think it is okay to be giving ladies this kind of attention. You bet your bottom dollar if he did, I did not do my job as a parent correctly. There is no reason at all for a man to behave in such a manner as to give positive reinforcement to this kind of behavior.
While I'm at it, here is another fact that ticks me off. Where in his right mind did he think it is okay to start talking/singing about blurred lines? Hello!! No woman (okay so maybe there are a few out there, but see above rant) wants to feel so objectified! Why would you think it is fun to sing about sex in such a manner? How disrespectful can you be?
What happened to honoring and cherishing your wedding vows? For someone who is married, don't you think it wise to take some stock in those vows you quoted before your partner? I'm sorry, but if my spouse were to sing a song about that, I may have to stop and take stock in his faithfulness to me. Luckily I don't have to worry about that though, since my in-laws raised their boys to be respectful of women. By the way, where is this man's self respect?
Why on earth is he encouraging this young girl to behave in such a manor. I have to wonder how a father could look at this once clean cut young lady and encourage such a behavior. I would certainly hope that a decent father would be ashamed of her behavior, especially when so many young girls STILL look up to her.
With all of this being said, I want you all to know I have nothing against feeling sexy. In fact I am all for it, but there is a line that needs to be drawn and it has been crossed over on many regards. You can still be sexy while leaving yourself covered. In fact, often times men find the mystery more sexy than the "nothing left to the imagination" look.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
The birth of Nathaniel Josiah
WOW! Where on earth do I begin?! Our little guy is FINALLY here after what felt like the LONGEST week of my life! On May 22, 2013 at 5:19pm Nathaniel Josiah made his way into this big world quickly, wonderfully, and beautifully in the water at our midwife's cottage. I can not even put into words the beauty and challenge of the whole experience, but I will try. :-)
On May 17 sometime in the wee hours of the morning I started having contractions. I noticed it felt differently than the contractions I had been having for weeks and decided I would time them to see what they were doing. To my disappointment they were only about 15 minutes apart and still mild so I went back to bed. At about 2:30am (not quite an hour from when I finished timing contractions) I was woken up by one that was particularly strong. I turned to David and asked him what I should do. He suggested I time them again and move around for a bit to see if things changed at all. After pacing the hall for a while and having to focus through some of the contractions he and I decided to try and rest a while longer. I couldn't get comfortable though, no matter what way I tried to lay it seemed to be uncomfortable, but I decided to let David rest since I figured we would likely be in for a long day. By about 4:00am I woke David up, hearing me focusing through contractions he came to rub my back. I just KNEW at that point that something was happening! We decided to call my mom and dad to come and get Alexandra, as we were SURE that if today wasn't the day, tomorrow surely would be.
Mom and Dad came and got Alexandra while David ran his mom over to work. My contractions were still fairly mild, but were picking up in intensity. David made it back to the house in time to tell Alexandra goodbye and to load our car up. We were so excited to be starting our journey but had little idea exactly HOW long it would take to get to the final result. We decided at that point to text our midwife and let her know that things seemed to be getting into motion and that we would be in contact with her throughout the day as things progressed. We went to the gym where I could swim in the pool for a while to help things move along. Being in the water had been a true blessing my entire pregnancy and this was no exception. During that period of being in the water my contractions picked up in frequency, but not in intensity. I was thankful for this since I was ready for them to be every four minutes apart.
After the pool our midwife suggested that I get some rest for a while, since they didn't want me to be exhausted once "active" labor started. I was considered in labor by this point any how, since my contractions did have a regular pattern to them but we knew that more intense work was to come. I rested for a while and we decided to go to the mall for a while where I could walk around indoors (it had been raining off and on all day long). While there I lost my plug and started spotting some. I knew at this point there was no turning back, this baby's arrival would be soon, yet still I had no idea how much longer I would have to wait. We continued to labor through the night, David by my side supporting me when I needed it and being attentive to my needs, all the while juggling the phone calls, texts and Facebook messages I had been receiving. People started to assume something was up, as I am typically appear online most of the time, but my computer was down for this period of time so that I would not be distracted away from what I needed to focus on.
The next morning came with the same pattern and no baby. By this point I was getting frustrated that there seemed to be nothing happening. One of the midwives checked me to see how I was progressing and things were indeed moving in the right direction, although very slowly. We laughed and joked some about how most women only dream of having a labor this "easy" and David and I kept things light hearted during the day. Honestly, being checked for progress was the only thing that kept me sane during our long wait. I continued to labor on and on and on until Monday when we made the choice to go home and get some rest in our own beds, with the hopes that MAYBE I would be able to settle enough to relax and things would progress more quickly. I had one more check before baby came and I was very close to active labor. Our midwife was so encouraging and helped to convince me that my body was doing what it needed to do to have our baby naturally. Labor that is like this is called Prodromal (not sure if I spelled that correctly) and is quite normal.
On Tuesday we decided to do a few things to get labor headed more quickly in the direction of active labor. They didn't work that day, but on Wednesday it seemed to be the day. At about 8:30am I woke up for the day, showered, got dressed and went about pumping to try and stimulate harder contractions. Within a few hours it worked! David diligently sat and timed contractions. When one was 2.5 minutes long he texted the midwife from my phone saying "Two and a half minute long contraction. This is David." This text when I later read it struck me as hilarious, though honestly I am not sure why. While in the car on the way to the midwife's my contractions were every three to four minutes apart and were quite painful. I remember thinking to myself "Holy Crap! I'm going to have a baby today!!!" David said during this time I remained extremely calm, only saying occasionally "Ouch! This hurts!"
We got to the cottage and my contractions were not getting any easier to get through. David was offering me drinks, holding my hand when I needed him and generally just taking care of me when I needed him. I was content to labor on my own for a while and he would read unless I asked him to do something. At that point he would immediately put his book down and do whatever I needed of him. I am so proud of him! The birth team sat up the birthing pool for me and as soon as it was ready I slipped into the water. Almost instantly I found myself relaxing into the contractions and handling things much more easily than before. Truly the water was a God-sent for me! At some point I started to get hot and wanted out of the water for a time.
One of the midwives suggested I try a new position to help move things along and I remember being very angry with her over this. I know I said a few curse words during this time (oops! Sorry Kim!!) and even told her that I hated her. (Again sorry Kim!!) Disclaimer** I don't hate her, in fact I love all of the ladies there were there, sometimes your mouth just gets away from you when you're in labor!** All I wanted to do was lay down because it hurt so badly. I labored in the shower for a few minutes, squatting into each contraction but resisting it because it hurt. David kept telling me I couldn't lean or sit and at one point I snapped at him and said "I know David, but it hurts!" I then sat on the birth stool for a while. I leaned into David between contractions and would do my best to be forward keeping things pushing against my cervix during a contraction. At some point I got to lay down again so that they could check baby and I was given some herbs (I know arnica was one of them and something that started with a "G") to help with swelling. I had developed a cervical lip and I will be honest, that was the most challenging part of my labor.
At some point I begged to get back into the water because I was so cold. Time frame really does become relative when you are in labor. I can remember specific events, but for the life of me I did not pay attention to the clock. I know at some point David told me it was three o'clock and me telling him that I didn't care what time it was. (Sorry honey!) During my time in the water I was given Black and Blue Cohosh tincture to help strengthen my contractions. I was feeling the need to push, but because of that cervical lip I needed to work through it some more. Its true what women say about the need to push! You feel like you have to take the world's biggest poop and can't stop yourself from doing it!
Kim checked me again and this was the point where we found I needed a little help with the cervical lip. With the encouragement of David, Doran, Misty, Tiffany and Kimberly I began pushing. Tiffany and Doran helped me to hold my legs back while Kimberly helped me to push past my cervical lip. I'm not going to mince words about this, it HURT! I was able to get it mostly pushed over his head and Misty helped me the rest of the way. It was probably more painful that transition contractions, BUT lasted a whole lot shorter of a time. I remember saying "Ow! Ow! Ow! That HURTS!!" but the relief was almost instantaneous once I pushed past it.
Everyone kept encouraging me and David stayed by my head holding my hand until Doran asked him if he wanted to see his son crowning. I remember looking up between pushes to see him looking at me, camera in hand and the look of awe on his face was unforgettable. I still get misty eyed thinking about it. I, being curious, reached between my legs to feel what was going on and I could feel his head. What an incredible feeling!!! At that point I mustered everything I had in me and gave a few more pushes and he was out. He crowned so quickly he shot out of me and landed on the bottom of the pool! My original hope was to catch him as he was coming out, but since he came so quickly that just didn't happen. David witnessed it all unfold before him. He was never planning on watching the actual birth part (he was afraid he would pass out or get queasy) but somehow it happened so quickly he did.
The feeling of victory I had when I pushed him out was incredible. I have never had so much pride in something in my entire life. I remember saying "I did it! I really did it!!" and making comments about those who doubted that I could. While Alexandra's birth story is totally different from her brother's it also helped to shape Nathaniel's story and because of that I am proud of her birth too. That isn't something I could have said even a year ago.
Nathaniel did have to have a little suctioning after birth since my bag of waters broke sometime during the pushing stage and there was meconium in the water. We aren't exactly sure WHEN it happened, just that it did. He was fine though and pinked up really quickly after birth. My placenta came quickly too, so I am also thankful about that! I did have a tear (one that did not require stitches) but my recovery has been very easy so far compared to Alexandra's birth. (I will take a tear over a surgical cut any day!!) His newborn exam said everything was normal and Nathaniel is a healthy baby boy. He weighed 7pounds 10 ounces, and was 22.5 inches long.
For those of you wondering how life has been so far with two under two, I have to say it hasn't been as difficult as I had anticipated it would be, granted I'm only a week in at this point. Alexandra is my little helper and LOVES her baby brother! She is always touching him, checking on him and says "me baby" when you ask her who he is. She seems to be doing fairly well with sharing mommy, although we have had a few jealous moments. Daddy and I try to sneak in as much one on one time with her as we can so that she doesn't feel left out, especially after we have had a particularly difficult moment or two with her. We want her to make sure she knows she is still loved by both of us. I find it funny how in spite of all of my worries that Alex would feel loved, she has handled things like a seasoned pro. Both of my babies are such blessings and I look forward to watching them grow up together and seeing the differences in their personalities as time marches on. Alexandra is such a unique person and I pray and look forward to seeing the unique person Nathaniel will be.
On May 17 sometime in the wee hours of the morning I started having contractions. I noticed it felt differently than the contractions I had been having for weeks and decided I would time them to see what they were doing. To my disappointment they were only about 15 minutes apart and still mild so I went back to bed. At about 2:30am (not quite an hour from when I finished timing contractions) I was woken up by one that was particularly strong. I turned to David and asked him what I should do. He suggested I time them again and move around for a bit to see if things changed at all. After pacing the hall for a while and having to focus through some of the contractions he and I decided to try and rest a while longer. I couldn't get comfortable though, no matter what way I tried to lay it seemed to be uncomfortable, but I decided to let David rest since I figured we would likely be in for a long day. By about 4:00am I woke David up, hearing me focusing through contractions he came to rub my back. I just KNEW at that point that something was happening! We decided to call my mom and dad to come and get Alexandra, as we were SURE that if today wasn't the day, tomorrow surely would be.
Mom and Dad came and got Alexandra while David ran his mom over to work. My contractions were still fairly mild, but were picking up in intensity. David made it back to the house in time to tell Alexandra goodbye and to load our car up. We were so excited to be starting our journey but had little idea exactly HOW long it would take to get to the final result. We decided at that point to text our midwife and let her know that things seemed to be getting into motion and that we would be in contact with her throughout the day as things progressed. We went to the gym where I could swim in the pool for a while to help things move along. Being in the water had been a true blessing my entire pregnancy and this was no exception. During that period of being in the water my contractions picked up in frequency, but not in intensity. I was thankful for this since I was ready for them to be every four minutes apart.
After the pool our midwife suggested that I get some rest for a while, since they didn't want me to be exhausted once "active" labor started. I was considered in labor by this point any how, since my contractions did have a regular pattern to them but we knew that more intense work was to come. I rested for a while and we decided to go to the mall for a while where I could walk around indoors (it had been raining off and on all day long). While there I lost my plug and started spotting some. I knew at this point there was no turning back, this baby's arrival would be soon, yet still I had no idea how much longer I would have to wait. We continued to labor through the night, David by my side supporting me when I needed it and being attentive to my needs, all the while juggling the phone calls, texts and Facebook messages I had been receiving. People started to assume something was up, as I am typically appear online most of the time, but my computer was down for this period of time so that I would not be distracted away from what I needed to focus on.
The next morning came with the same pattern and no baby. By this point I was getting frustrated that there seemed to be nothing happening. One of the midwives checked me to see how I was progressing and things were indeed moving in the right direction, although very slowly. We laughed and joked some about how most women only dream of having a labor this "easy" and David and I kept things light hearted during the day. Honestly, being checked for progress was the only thing that kept me sane during our long wait. I continued to labor on and on and on until Monday when we made the choice to go home and get some rest in our own beds, with the hopes that MAYBE I would be able to settle enough to relax and things would progress more quickly. I had one more check before baby came and I was very close to active labor. Our midwife was so encouraging and helped to convince me that my body was doing what it needed to do to have our baby naturally. Labor that is like this is called Prodromal (not sure if I spelled that correctly) and is quite normal.
On Tuesday we decided to do a few things to get labor headed more quickly in the direction of active labor. They didn't work that day, but on Wednesday it seemed to be the day. At about 8:30am I woke up for the day, showered, got dressed and went about pumping to try and stimulate harder contractions. Within a few hours it worked! David diligently sat and timed contractions. When one was 2.5 minutes long he texted the midwife from my phone saying "Two and a half minute long contraction. This is David." This text when I later read it struck me as hilarious, though honestly I am not sure why. While in the car on the way to the midwife's my contractions were every three to four minutes apart and were quite painful. I remember thinking to myself "Holy Crap! I'm going to have a baby today!!!" David said during this time I remained extremely calm, only saying occasionally "Ouch! This hurts!"
We got to the cottage and my contractions were not getting any easier to get through. David was offering me drinks, holding my hand when I needed him and generally just taking care of me when I needed him. I was content to labor on my own for a while and he would read unless I asked him to do something. At that point he would immediately put his book down and do whatever I needed of him. I am so proud of him! The birth team sat up the birthing pool for me and as soon as it was ready I slipped into the water. Almost instantly I found myself relaxing into the contractions and handling things much more easily than before. Truly the water was a God-sent for me! At some point I started to get hot and wanted out of the water for a time.
One of the midwives suggested I try a new position to help move things along and I remember being very angry with her over this. I know I said a few curse words during this time (oops! Sorry Kim!!) and even told her that I hated her. (Again sorry Kim!!) Disclaimer** I don't hate her, in fact I love all of the ladies there were there, sometimes your mouth just gets away from you when you're in labor!** All I wanted to do was lay down because it hurt so badly. I labored in the shower for a few minutes, squatting into each contraction but resisting it because it hurt. David kept telling me I couldn't lean or sit and at one point I snapped at him and said "I know David, but it hurts!" I then sat on the birth stool for a while. I leaned into David between contractions and would do my best to be forward keeping things pushing against my cervix during a contraction. At some point I got to lay down again so that they could check baby and I was given some herbs (I know arnica was one of them and something that started with a "G") to help with swelling. I had developed a cervical lip and I will be honest, that was the most challenging part of my labor.
At some point I begged to get back into the water because I was so cold. Time frame really does become relative when you are in labor. I can remember specific events, but for the life of me I did not pay attention to the clock. I know at some point David told me it was three o'clock and me telling him that I didn't care what time it was. (Sorry honey!) During my time in the water I was given Black and Blue Cohosh tincture to help strengthen my contractions. I was feeling the need to push, but because of that cervical lip I needed to work through it some more. Its true what women say about the need to push! You feel like you have to take the world's biggest poop and can't stop yourself from doing it!
Kim checked me again and this was the point where we found I needed a little help with the cervical lip. With the encouragement of David, Doran, Misty, Tiffany and Kimberly I began pushing. Tiffany and Doran helped me to hold my legs back while Kimberly helped me to push past my cervical lip. I'm not going to mince words about this, it HURT! I was able to get it mostly pushed over his head and Misty helped me the rest of the way. It was probably more painful that transition contractions, BUT lasted a whole lot shorter of a time. I remember saying "Ow! Ow! Ow! That HURTS!!" but the relief was almost instantaneous once I pushed past it.
Everyone kept encouraging me and David stayed by my head holding my hand until Doran asked him if he wanted to see his son crowning. I remember looking up between pushes to see him looking at me, camera in hand and the look of awe on his face was unforgettable. I still get misty eyed thinking about it. I, being curious, reached between my legs to feel what was going on and I could feel his head. What an incredible feeling!!! At that point I mustered everything I had in me and gave a few more pushes and he was out. He crowned so quickly he shot out of me and landed on the bottom of the pool! My original hope was to catch him as he was coming out, but since he came so quickly that just didn't happen. David witnessed it all unfold before him. He was never planning on watching the actual birth part (he was afraid he would pass out or get queasy) but somehow it happened so quickly he did.
The feeling of victory I had when I pushed him out was incredible. I have never had so much pride in something in my entire life. I remember saying "I did it! I really did it!!" and making comments about those who doubted that I could. While Alexandra's birth story is totally different from her brother's it also helped to shape Nathaniel's story and because of that I am proud of her birth too. That isn't something I could have said even a year ago.
Nathaniel did have to have a little suctioning after birth since my bag of waters broke sometime during the pushing stage and there was meconium in the water. We aren't exactly sure WHEN it happened, just that it did. He was fine though and pinked up really quickly after birth. My placenta came quickly too, so I am also thankful about that! I did have a tear (one that did not require stitches) but my recovery has been very easy so far compared to Alexandra's birth. (I will take a tear over a surgical cut any day!!) His newborn exam said everything was normal and Nathaniel is a healthy baby boy. He weighed 7pounds 10 ounces, and was 22.5 inches long.
For those of you wondering how life has been so far with two under two, I have to say it hasn't been as difficult as I had anticipated it would be, granted I'm only a week in at this point. Alexandra is my little helper and LOVES her baby brother! She is always touching him, checking on him and says "me baby" when you ask her who he is. She seems to be doing fairly well with sharing mommy, although we have had a few jealous moments. Daddy and I try to sneak in as much one on one time with her as we can so that she doesn't feel left out, especially after we have had a particularly difficult moment or two with her. We want her to make sure she knows she is still loved by both of us. I find it funny how in spite of all of my worries that Alex would feel loved, she has handled things like a seasoned pro. Both of my babies are such blessings and I look forward to watching them grow up together and seeing the differences in their personalities as time marches on. Alexandra is such a unique person and I pray and look forward to seeing the unique person Nathaniel will be.
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