As you all know I am a big supporter of home birth, natural birth and going into labor on your own. As I enter into my second trimester I am thinking a lot about what my ideal birthing experience would look like. I think and re-think every possibly outcome and pray that the most positive outcome occurs. For me I chose to have a home birth with this baby for a lot of reasons. The biggest being that I felt so unfulfilled after Alexandra's birth. I didn't hold a sense of accomplishment in her birth and felt a major let down after her birth did not turn out the way I had planned it.
Alexandra's birth ended in a c-section. Something I later found out from a midwife and an OB that was not needed. I "failed to progress," code for my labor was not moving as quickly as doctors thought it should. The doctor who delivered Alexandra is well known in town for being a c-section lover, and after talking to three other mothers who had them as their OB, I questioned the importance of my c-section. I wanted to know why and I wanted to know HOW I could avoid this situation again. I wanted a normal birth, but I quickly found that my birth WAS considered normal. With that thought, I backed up and questioned WHY it was the norm and not the exception.
Why on earth were c-sections becoming the rule rather than the exception? I was highly disappointed in what I found through research, questioning my doctors and myself. I knew in my heart that the reason I was failing to progress was not because of anything physically wrong with me, but simply put my body was NOT ready to bring this child into the world yet. I tried so hard to be brave and labor without an epidural, something that I had as a goal from the beginning of my pregnancy, but Pitocin intensified my contractions. At one point I remember trying to focus, all the while my mom and husband at my side being as supportive as possible, but I could NOT see past the pain. The intensity was indescribable. By that point, I asked for an epidural in order to better focus on bringing my daughter forth into the world. BIG MISTAKE! My cervix clamped down as tightly as it possibly could.
All of these mistakes with my birth of Alexandra brought me to questions I needed answers to. I KNEW at some point I would want to birth a child at home. I just always knew that was something I wanted to do, not because it was abnormal, but because it was something I wanted to experience. I wanted to experience bringing my child into the world in the privacy of my home. I wanted to to feel safe, secure and comfortable in a setting that no matter what I did or said, I could relax. In all of these thoughts I was led to a group called ICAN- International Cesarean Awareness Network. I can NOT say enough positive things about this group!!!
Shortly before joining an ICAN support group, I found myself pregnant. Sadly we lost that baby, but it was the catalyst I needed to take control of my birthing experience. I'm not saying c-sections don't have their place. Sometimes they are MUCH needed to save a mother's life, but I also found that much of the research I found through ICAN and through independent resources was pointing to a problem with c-sections. Especially repeat c-sections. I did NOT want to be one of those women. I knew maybe there was a chance that I could still be one of these women who could birth their child in their own home.
I found that less than 1% of VBAC (Vaginal Birth after Cesarean) end in a poor outcome. And only 3% finally end in a c-section. This meant that 96% of VBAC's had positive outcomes ending in a birth the way I wanted it. I will take those odds! With a well trained professional, I found that I could have a baby at home. There are certain warning signs that mom's scar isn't doing so well and after meeting with two midwives for baby Bean I settled on one who was extremely knowledgeable in the warning signs, and had a policy that ensured safety for both myself and our child. I love the idea of having a birth at home or in a home like setting.
So to introduce to the world, baby Bean will be "due" on May 10, 2013. That being said, we are not placing much stock in the date he/she will be born. We know baby will come when they are good and ready. We look forward to sharing stories about this child as much as we do Alexandra and loving them as much as we love her. :-)
Friday, November 2, 2012
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Christians and Voting
To say I am disappointed in my fellow Christians is an understatement. When did voting become an issue of salvation? Last time I checked the Bible is pretty mute on this subject. Yes, I DO believe as Christians it is our duty to vote, but also believe this of ALL Americans, not JUST the Christian population. I believe that it is our job to choose who will do the best job serving ALL of the people in this country. I make no pledges to one particular political party. Both parties in my opinion have pros and cons, and this post will NOT be about who I feel fits the bill for president.
What I am going to say is that I do not always agree with my fellow believers who vote straight ticket Republican/Democratic. That is just silly in my opinion. We are given choices in the country for a reason. Our duty is to choose whom we think will do the best job at protecting our rights, affording rights to its citizens, and working to keep (and in some cases restore) our country as wonderful as it has been. Our country was established to give the rights to its people, and as such I have the right to think differently than someone else might think. It doesn't make me a bad person, and it does not make me a bad Christian.
Now there are some issues in this election that I simply can not look past. I am pro-life, I always have been and always will be. I believe life starts at conception, but the abortion issue is not going to vanish in this country. Lets face it, not all people in this country believe in abstinence and it breaks my heart to say this, but if we want to solve one of our biggest abortion issues, for those who are sexually active we NEED to provide them with accurate information. This means teaching young ladies how to use contraception appropriately and allowing access to affordable birth control for the low income individuals who need it. Boys should be taught the proper way to use a condom to prevent the spread of many of the diseases and girls should be taught how to stop for a moment to make sure their partners are USING protection in addition to birth control. Many unwanted pregnancies would be prevented this way.
Many of my fellow Christians would not agree with my stance on this issue. Instead of looking at the facts, they choose to blindly ignore sex in favor of teaching nothing but abstinence. Now don't get me wrong, I intend to teach my child abstinence, but ALSO intend to inform her so that she knows ALL of her options. I believe that turning a blind eye to the issue and lack of education only perpetuates the situation, leading to more children who grow up in poverty and often times in situations that can be delicate at best. After all Jesus hung out with prostitutes, so he knew how to love those who had sex outside of marriage too.
Now I'm not saying I'm perfect, heck at this time I am considered to be in the poverty level and have one child and another on the way. That being said, I work hard to accept the responsibility I have been given and know the consequences of my actions. We both are working to better ourselves (in fact in just shy of two weeks I take my first of many classes with the end goal of being a Certified Practicing Midwife--- More on that later!!) and it shows. We are living on a tight budget, I stay at home with Alexandra to save money on child care (because it is DANG expensive) and we are saving like there is no tomorrow while paying off debt we have acquired over the last seven years. We live with David's parents to save money on housing, so that the money we WOULD be spending on rent is going to savings as well as debt. We have a tough road, but we got ourselves into this mess and intend to get ourselves out.
Now onto another issue with this election that, frankly, is going to piss some people off. I'm talking about the elephant in the room, gay marriage. Now we all know what I believe. My faith teaches that it is a sin to be gay, but I have gay "friends" and people I love who are gay, and to me it is no more sinful than looking at porn or adultry. Sin is sin in God's eyes, regardless, but I am not the one to make the judgement on their eternal well being. I am not qualified, nor do I want the job. I have my own crap that I judge myself on, and I'm frankly too busy to judge someone else on their stuff.
Now, religious beliefs out of the way, I have to say it is my opinion that they should be allowed to marry just as much as I am allowed to have married David. Frankly I think the government has no business in that either, its a PERSONAL and RELIGIOUS choice. Marriage in and of itself is a contract I believe to be made between a couple and their God. That being said, the government has gotten involved with straight couples and afforded us the rights to combine our finances, lives and property into one. Shouldn't gays be allowed that too? This is a question of basic human rights, not if it is right or wrong.
Finally the socialized medicine is an issue for me. Boy is THIS another hot button issue among Christians, probably just as much, if not more, than the the gay marriage issue. Again, I'm not saying agree with it. I don't want my taxes raised, especially on my loved ones who would REALLY be the ones paying for this, but I DO think that there needs to be something done about the state of our health care system. For example, insurance needs to be made affordable to all people. Perhaps a sliding scale? Another example, and one you most certainly will know I am passionate about, is unnecessary medical interventions, especially in the cases of birth. Women are not being given the rights to choose with whom and WHERE we want to birth our children and in many cases are stuck paying for a normal thing out of pocket. Tests are being preformed on healthy individuals because they are on medicare/medicaid and doctors know they can get more money that way. Even for people who have private insurance this is happening. Legislation needs to be made for these things to stop happening, and they only way I see that happening is if the people of American DEMAND change in the system.
I am not saying to vote for one particular candidate or the other. Honestly they both have pro's and con's in my opinion, but if I choose to vote differently from you, don't bash me or my belief system for it. Don't be hostile if I disagree with you and don't question my salvation. If there is one thing I have NEVER been more sure of, it is my eternal fate. For you simply to pronounce damnation on me because I see things DIFFERENTLY than you is wrong also. I love my God and I do my best to follow his teachings, but I also try to look at life practically, especially since having a child. Some of you are going to stand firm in what you say/feel and that is fine. YOU are given that RIGHT by the very Constitution that you hold so dear, but don't show hostility toward me because of what I believe to be right for my COUNTRY and ultimately my loved ones. And to those I have shown hostility toward in past elections, I say now that I am very sorry, it was a very unChrist-like attitude.
What I am going to say is that I do not always agree with my fellow believers who vote straight ticket Republican/Democratic. That is just silly in my opinion. We are given choices in the country for a reason. Our duty is to choose whom we think will do the best job at protecting our rights, affording rights to its citizens, and working to keep (and in some cases restore) our country as wonderful as it has been. Our country was established to give the rights to its people, and as such I have the right to think differently than someone else might think. It doesn't make me a bad person, and it does not make me a bad Christian.
Now there are some issues in this election that I simply can not look past. I am pro-life, I always have been and always will be. I believe life starts at conception, but the abortion issue is not going to vanish in this country. Lets face it, not all people in this country believe in abstinence and it breaks my heart to say this, but if we want to solve one of our biggest abortion issues, for those who are sexually active we NEED to provide them with accurate information. This means teaching young ladies how to use contraception appropriately and allowing access to affordable birth control for the low income individuals who need it. Boys should be taught the proper way to use a condom to prevent the spread of many of the diseases and girls should be taught how to stop for a moment to make sure their partners are USING protection in addition to birth control. Many unwanted pregnancies would be prevented this way.
Many of my fellow Christians would not agree with my stance on this issue. Instead of looking at the facts, they choose to blindly ignore sex in favor of teaching nothing but abstinence. Now don't get me wrong, I intend to teach my child abstinence, but ALSO intend to inform her so that she knows ALL of her options. I believe that turning a blind eye to the issue and lack of education only perpetuates the situation, leading to more children who grow up in poverty and often times in situations that can be delicate at best. After all Jesus hung out with prostitutes, so he knew how to love those who had sex outside of marriage too.
Now I'm not saying I'm perfect, heck at this time I am considered to be in the poverty level and have one child and another on the way. That being said, I work hard to accept the responsibility I have been given and know the consequences of my actions. We both are working to better ourselves (in fact in just shy of two weeks I take my first of many classes with the end goal of being a Certified Practicing Midwife--- More on that later!!) and it shows. We are living on a tight budget, I stay at home with Alexandra to save money on child care (because it is DANG expensive) and we are saving like there is no tomorrow while paying off debt we have acquired over the last seven years. We live with David's parents to save money on housing, so that the money we WOULD be spending on rent is going to savings as well as debt. We have a tough road, but we got ourselves into this mess and intend to get ourselves out.
Now onto another issue with this election that, frankly, is going to piss some people off. I'm talking about the elephant in the room, gay marriage. Now we all know what I believe. My faith teaches that it is a sin to be gay, but I have gay "friends" and people I love who are gay, and to me it is no more sinful than looking at porn or adultry. Sin is sin in God's eyes, regardless, but I am not the one to make the judgement on their eternal well being. I am not qualified, nor do I want the job. I have my own crap that I judge myself on, and I'm frankly too busy to judge someone else on their stuff.
Now, religious beliefs out of the way, I have to say it is my opinion that they should be allowed to marry just as much as I am allowed to have married David. Frankly I think the government has no business in that either, its a PERSONAL and RELIGIOUS choice. Marriage in and of itself is a contract I believe to be made between a couple and their God. That being said, the government has gotten involved with straight couples and afforded us the rights to combine our finances, lives and property into one. Shouldn't gays be allowed that too? This is a question of basic human rights, not if it is right or wrong.
Finally the socialized medicine is an issue for me. Boy is THIS another hot button issue among Christians, probably just as much, if not more, than the the gay marriage issue. Again, I'm not saying agree with it. I don't want my taxes raised, especially on my loved ones who would REALLY be the ones paying for this, but I DO think that there needs to be something done about the state of our health care system. For example, insurance needs to be made affordable to all people. Perhaps a sliding scale? Another example, and one you most certainly will know I am passionate about, is unnecessary medical interventions, especially in the cases of birth. Women are not being given the rights to choose with whom and WHERE we want to birth our children and in many cases are stuck paying for a normal thing out of pocket. Tests are being preformed on healthy individuals because they are on medicare/medicaid and doctors know they can get more money that way. Even for people who have private insurance this is happening. Legislation needs to be made for these things to stop happening, and they only way I see that happening is if the people of American DEMAND change in the system.
I am not saying to vote for one particular candidate or the other. Honestly they both have pro's and con's in my opinion, but if I choose to vote differently from you, don't bash me or my belief system for it. Don't be hostile if I disagree with you and don't question my salvation. If there is one thing I have NEVER been more sure of, it is my eternal fate. For you simply to pronounce damnation on me because I see things DIFFERENTLY than you is wrong also. I love my God and I do my best to follow his teachings, but I also try to look at life practically, especially since having a child. Some of you are going to stand firm in what you say/feel and that is fine. YOU are given that RIGHT by the very Constitution that you hold so dear, but don't show hostility toward me because of what I believe to be right for my COUNTRY and ultimately my loved ones. And to those I have shown hostility toward in past elections, I say now that I am very sorry, it was a very unChrist-like attitude.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Infant Loss, SIDS, Miscarriage and Still Birth
Wow! Its been a while. I guess I only write when I have something I need to talk about or want to share. So here goes my two cents for the time being. I'm sure there will be other updates to follow.
October is Infant Loss, Still Birth, Miscarriage and SIDS awareness month. Yes I know it is also breast cancer awareness month, but what better time to be thinking about our children than when thinking about ways we can be caring for ourselves too? I have been thinking on this subject much more than normal. Namely because we are expecting again. Most of you don't know this, but David and I suffered another miscarriage in March. My heart was shattered to say the least. I couldn't function for about a week. Laying there on the couch after receiving the news that we were really going to be loosing another child I sobbed. I held my daughter close and I sobbed. My heart was broken in to a million pieces.
I love being a mom. It is my greatest joy in life. Having Alexandra has been the best blessing I could have ever asked for, but I was shattered when I found out I was loosing yet another baby. We shared with my parents after the fact. It was hard to say the least. Yes I knew I would be met with challenges having children so close in age, but there is a little part of your soul that dies when you loose a pregnancy. I can't explain it to anyone unless they themselves have been through it, but it feels as though you will never be whole again. It takes time, sometimes a long time, to feel like you are a normal human being and even longer to feel like your heart is starting to heal. I still feel a small whole seven months later. I have fretted worse over this pregnancy that I did with Alexandra. Every little pull, stretch, cramp, or odd sensation has made me wonder "Is everything still healthy?"
This brings me to why I am posting this blog post. Its about sharing with you the ups and downs of grief. Grief, especially over a child (no matter the length they were on this earth), is somewhat circular. It is all over the place. You may have a day or two where you feel like you did before your heart was broken, only to be blindsided with something that sets you down the path of tears, fear, or any number of emotions. You are never the same person again. Be it if your child died while you were pregnant, or in some accident you are NEVER the same person again.
Here is what you can do for a family (especially a woman) who has lost a baby. First, validate her feelings. Let her know it is okay to feel angry, sad, scared, depressed or even guilty. Women have an extra special connection to their children. We grow them inside of us, knowing them from essentially the moment of conception. Being a mother is a very intimate bond. This isn't to say that men can not have this feeling about their children, but it is a different kind of bond. Especially in my case, acknowledge that the pregnancy was real and that her feelings of loss are real. Don't ignore it, instead love the parents when they need it the most.
Second is something I briefly mentioned above. Acknowledged the loss. People want to know you are thinking about them and their children. We want to know that we are being prayed for, thought of, and taken care of. This applies to all aspects of loss, but especially in early pregnancy loss. I can honestly say that I had some horrible comments made to me after loosing a baby. Yes I didn't not get to feel my baby move or even hold them yet, but I still LOVED my child. I had dreams for them. When you loose a child, all of those dreams are dashed in an instant. You dream about their careers, their personalities, their hobbies, what you will teach them or what they will teach their children. You dream about every aspect of their life. When a child dies, it is very hard with the next one to have these dreams for them. You fear that they will be gone again, and sometimes when you let your guard down (as in my case) your dreams are once again shattered.
Finally, talk about it with the family. Offer to make them a meal or to do a load of laundry. Offer to walk their pets or to just sit with them for a while. Giving the family time to grieve in whatever way works for them helps them to accept what has happened and to get back to normal. I tried to get back to normal relatively quickly with my loss in March, but it also made things much more difficult. I was traveling within a few days of finding out. I had moments of forgetting while visiting with family, celebrating a wedding, and traveling, but I never stopped hurting. My daughter was my greatest comfort. She was my ray of sunshine in my darkest moments. My husband was my rock, hugging me when I needed it, calling to check in on me and just generally loving me the way I needed it.
I urge you if you have ever experienced a loss, no matter how old your child or family member was to find a project you can do to help you heal. Right now I am doing a project called capture your grief. You take photos of various things that are important to you. To say it has been healing would be an understatement. It has given me hope for this child. It has helped me to stay relaxed and it has helped me during a month I knew would be difficult. (Our due date was November 3) We love our babies, ALL of them and it has given me a chance to show that love for them.
October is Infant Loss, Still Birth, Miscarriage and SIDS awareness month. Yes I know it is also breast cancer awareness month, but what better time to be thinking about our children than when thinking about ways we can be caring for ourselves too? I have been thinking on this subject much more than normal. Namely because we are expecting again. Most of you don't know this, but David and I suffered another miscarriage in March. My heart was shattered to say the least. I couldn't function for about a week. Laying there on the couch after receiving the news that we were really going to be loosing another child I sobbed. I held my daughter close and I sobbed. My heart was broken in to a million pieces.
I love being a mom. It is my greatest joy in life. Having Alexandra has been the best blessing I could have ever asked for, but I was shattered when I found out I was loosing yet another baby. We shared with my parents after the fact. It was hard to say the least. Yes I knew I would be met with challenges having children so close in age, but there is a little part of your soul that dies when you loose a pregnancy. I can't explain it to anyone unless they themselves have been through it, but it feels as though you will never be whole again. It takes time, sometimes a long time, to feel like you are a normal human being and even longer to feel like your heart is starting to heal. I still feel a small whole seven months later. I have fretted worse over this pregnancy that I did with Alexandra. Every little pull, stretch, cramp, or odd sensation has made me wonder "Is everything still healthy?"
This brings me to why I am posting this blog post. Its about sharing with you the ups and downs of grief. Grief, especially over a child (no matter the length they were on this earth), is somewhat circular. It is all over the place. You may have a day or two where you feel like you did before your heart was broken, only to be blindsided with something that sets you down the path of tears, fear, or any number of emotions. You are never the same person again. Be it if your child died while you were pregnant, or in some accident you are NEVER the same person again.
Here is what you can do for a family (especially a woman) who has lost a baby. First, validate her feelings. Let her know it is okay to feel angry, sad, scared, depressed or even guilty. Women have an extra special connection to their children. We grow them inside of us, knowing them from essentially the moment of conception. Being a mother is a very intimate bond. This isn't to say that men can not have this feeling about their children, but it is a different kind of bond. Especially in my case, acknowledge that the pregnancy was real and that her feelings of loss are real. Don't ignore it, instead love the parents when they need it the most.
Second is something I briefly mentioned above. Acknowledged the loss. People want to know you are thinking about them and their children. We want to know that we are being prayed for, thought of, and taken care of. This applies to all aspects of loss, but especially in early pregnancy loss. I can honestly say that I had some horrible comments made to me after loosing a baby. Yes I didn't not get to feel my baby move or even hold them yet, but I still LOVED my child. I had dreams for them. When you loose a child, all of those dreams are dashed in an instant. You dream about their careers, their personalities, their hobbies, what you will teach them or what they will teach their children. You dream about every aspect of their life. When a child dies, it is very hard with the next one to have these dreams for them. You fear that they will be gone again, and sometimes when you let your guard down (as in my case) your dreams are once again shattered.
Finally, talk about it with the family. Offer to make them a meal or to do a load of laundry. Offer to walk their pets or to just sit with them for a while. Giving the family time to grieve in whatever way works for them helps them to accept what has happened and to get back to normal. I tried to get back to normal relatively quickly with my loss in March, but it also made things much more difficult. I was traveling within a few days of finding out. I had moments of forgetting while visiting with family, celebrating a wedding, and traveling, but I never stopped hurting. My daughter was my greatest comfort. She was my ray of sunshine in my darkest moments. My husband was my rock, hugging me when I needed it, calling to check in on me and just generally loving me the way I needed it.
I urge you if you have ever experienced a loss, no matter how old your child or family member was to find a project you can do to help you heal. Right now I am doing a project called capture your grief. You take photos of various things that are important to you. To say it has been healing would be an understatement. It has given me hope for this child. It has helped me to stay relaxed and it has helped me during a month I knew would be difficult. (Our due date was November 3) We love our babies, ALL of them and it has given me a chance to show that love for them.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Postpartum Depression
I have had a very heavy heart lately concerning this topic. Its one that is very difficult to talk about, but should be more often. As you can guess from the title of this post I'm talking about Postpartum Depression.
Depression of any kind is dark, ugly, and difficult to overcome. I have struggled with the issue for years and have been medicated for it for quite some time. Its not because I'm in a dark place spiritually, and its not because I want special attention. I just have learned that its something I have to deal with, and for the most part I do a good job of coping.
With all of that being said I was unfortunate enough to have suffered from Postpartum Depression. There is NOTHING more difficult that having a new child and trying to cope with depression. I was fortunate enough to have a spouse that was educated on what to look for and I had the foresight to know I needed to be aware of it as well. I spoke with my doctor before having my daughter and asked the tough questions. I asked her if there was anything I could do after her birth to try and head it off as much as possible. I also asked her what kinds of medications I could take while nursing to help me be as high functioning as I possibly could. I'm so glad I did, because when the wave finally caught up with me; I was prepared to fight back.
With all of that being said I have faced a few challenges that many new mothers don't have to face. On top of not having the birth outcome I had envisioned, I was struggling to hold myself, my daughter and my marriage together. I felt like running from it all. In fact on more than one occasion I told my spouse I wanted to give up on everything and start over. That's when he knew I was in real trouble. We talked about it together and I (reluctantly) called my doctor to schedule a visit to see what I could do to help myself. I was already on medication (as a preventative) but they were failing me.
I'm so thankful that Doctor Eaton heard my husband's concern and talked to me about how I was feeling. She changed my medication around a little bit and suggested I take a few vitamin supplements to ease the anxiety, the stress and the feelings of inadequacy. Within a few days I was feeling back to the way I felt before our daughter was born and I was able to cope with all of the information, suggestions, and new experiences being thrown my way.
I tell you all of these things not to toot my own horn, but to share with my friends and family that are new mothers or are going to be new mothers. Its a scary feeling, but there IS help out there. I know how alone I felt when the ugly words Postpartum Depression were slung my way and I don't want other moms feeling that they are dragging themselves though the difficult journey alone. I also want other moms to feel like they have some control, especially in the world of parenting where in the early days we have so very little control over ourselves. Finally I want people to know that they can talk to me about it. I didn't have anyone that I felt I could talk to about what I was going through. Its lonely to say the least, but it can make things a little less lonely if you have someone to talk to.
Depression of any kind is dark, ugly, and difficult to overcome. I have struggled with the issue for years and have been medicated for it for quite some time. Its not because I'm in a dark place spiritually, and its not because I want special attention. I just have learned that its something I have to deal with, and for the most part I do a good job of coping.
With all of that being said I was unfortunate enough to have suffered from Postpartum Depression. There is NOTHING more difficult that having a new child and trying to cope with depression. I was fortunate enough to have a spouse that was educated on what to look for and I had the foresight to know I needed to be aware of it as well. I spoke with my doctor before having my daughter and asked the tough questions. I asked her if there was anything I could do after her birth to try and head it off as much as possible. I also asked her what kinds of medications I could take while nursing to help me be as high functioning as I possibly could. I'm so glad I did, because when the wave finally caught up with me; I was prepared to fight back.
With all of that being said I have faced a few challenges that many new mothers don't have to face. On top of not having the birth outcome I had envisioned, I was struggling to hold myself, my daughter and my marriage together. I felt like running from it all. In fact on more than one occasion I told my spouse I wanted to give up on everything and start over. That's when he knew I was in real trouble. We talked about it together and I (reluctantly) called my doctor to schedule a visit to see what I could do to help myself. I was already on medication (as a preventative) but they were failing me.
I'm so thankful that Doctor Eaton heard my husband's concern and talked to me about how I was feeling. She changed my medication around a little bit and suggested I take a few vitamin supplements to ease the anxiety, the stress and the feelings of inadequacy. Within a few days I was feeling back to the way I felt before our daughter was born and I was able to cope with all of the information, suggestions, and new experiences being thrown my way.
I tell you all of these things not to toot my own horn, but to share with my friends and family that are new mothers or are going to be new mothers. Its a scary feeling, but there IS help out there. I know how alone I felt when the ugly words Postpartum Depression were slung my way and I don't want other moms feeling that they are dragging themselves though the difficult journey alone. I also want other moms to feel like they have some control, especially in the world of parenting where in the early days we have so very little control over ourselves. Finally I want people to know that they can talk to me about it. I didn't have anyone that I felt I could talk to about what I was going through. Its lonely to say the least, but it can make things a little less lonely if you have someone to talk to.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Alexandra's Surgery
I have no idea where to start this post, so I guess I should just start at the very beginning. About two weeks ago (On Christmas day to be exact) Alexandra developed a terrible case of constipation. It was so painful for her and she couldn't go not matter how hard she tried. My normally quiet as a church mouse baby was squealing for everything she was worth. I found myself talking to David about the problem and what we could do at home. Nothing we normally did was working for her. We finally decided to make the trek to the hospital to see if there was anything they could do for her.
When we arrived at East Tennessee Children's Hospital we were immediately whisked into a room where everything seemed to happen at record pace. We knew it would happen pretty quickly given her medical history and the fact that if her bowels weren't emptied soon it could hit the point of critical very quickly. Her doctor (who truly was an ANGEL) came in and did a quick exam. She found that Alex didn't even have an opening large enough to put a suppository in to aid in passing stool. For the life of me I wish I knew this woman's name! She was so sweet to our very upset and sick baby!
After her exam Allie started to pass some stool on her own, but it was tough going. She showed me some tricks her pediatrician did not show me and ways to help the rock hard stool pass. Alexandra cried for quite a while, but she was able to empty herself out enough to be semi-comfortable until the emergency room doctor could get an x-ray to see how far she was backed up and if we needed to do anything else. After the x-ray she still was backed up into her small intestine, so the doctor proceeded with an enema. It was excruciating to watch my little girl be in so much pain, but it had to be done. The last thing we wanted was a ruptured intestine, something that is deadly in both adults and children. I knew a little bit of pain temporarily would do wonders for her in the near future, so we agreed despite knowing how uncomfortable it would be for her.
Alex started moving again and the doctor felt confident enough that she was moving plenty of stool to send us home. She called the surgeon on call with the practice we went to and asked what our next steps should be. Dr. Fowler (the doctor who also did the surgery) suggested we follow up as soon as possible with the surgeon to find out what needed to be done. We made an appointment with Dr. Jensen, her original surgeon, and he felt that it was time to do the surgery, in spite of telling us just weeks before that everything looked good for the time being. David and I were very unsure about letting Dr. Jensen operate on our child, so we did some asking around about his reputation. We found out that he was fairly new out of medical school and not very experienced at doing the imperforate anus repairs. This left me feeling ill-at-ease and I felt that we needed to get a second opinion. We called and scheduled with Dr. Fowler, who I had heard WONDERFUL things about and who was VERY competent in the repair she would be doing. She agreed with Dr. Jensen's assesment, but also felt that we needed to be further informed about the process from admitting to surgery and beyond. In doing so we found out that Dr. Jensen, who felt it should be an outpatient procedure, was wrong. The surgery was going to be a lot more involved that I initially thought, but Dr. Fowler assured me that it was important that we do it soon since Alexandra had developed a prolapsed colon.
The week leading up to her surgery was terrible. I was full of anxiety and fear. I did not want to put my child through a painful procedure, even if it meant a better quality of life for her. I was torn and I didn't sleep much. The night before her surgery, when we were admitted for bowel prep I laid in a ball praying fervently that God would protect my child and guide the hand of the surgeon and her assistants. The fear was terrible, but in spite of the fear I also had a peace about the decision that we had made. I can't tell you how many times I cried and asked what I could have done while I was pregnant to keep Allie from having been born with the problem she had. I know logically that it wasn't my fault, but there is still a part of you as a mom that blames yourself. Its hard to explain, but I kept feeling like I did something wrong.
The next morning our dear friend Kara came to sit with David and I while we waited for Alexandra to be wheeled down to surgery. My heart was full of anxiety, fear, relief, love for her, and prayers. I mostly prayed that nothing terrible would happen to her while on the operating table. I know this is me having knowledge of what CAN happen on the operating table and of course watching too many medical dramas play out on TV. I honestly think that if Kara and David hadn't been there I don't think I would have made it through surgery day with my sanity intact. I cried a little bit, but I also spent a lot of time in prayer that day. It seemed to be the only thing that could calm my anxiety.
The two hours that she was under the knife were the worst two hours of my life. A few times I literally SHOOK with fear. I was terrified for my daughter, but the doctors were amazing. With each phase of surgery, I received phone calls with updates of her progress. I was told how long each part would take and when to expect another phone call. That helped with my anxiety too. I was able to walk around the hospital a bit to clear my head and David took a shift waiting on updates. It helped me to think and to not worry as much.
Shortly after surgery was over and the doctors began to wake her up, we were allowed to head back to her room. Within about a half an hour she was with us and I was able to hold her. Allie was in a little bit of pain, but nothing that wasn't manageable with pain medication and some snuggling. I was able to do skin to skin contact with her and that seemed to do wonders for her pain management. I wanted to nurse her so badly, and I can't even begin to say how hard it was not to have my baby close to me in that manner for an entire week!
Pain medications continued at regular intervals for three days after her surgery in order to keep her from having any bowel movements. This didn't work, but it did delay her first stool a whole day, giving the fresh wound time to seal a little bit. She was given IV antibiotics every six hours until she was discharged in order to stave off any infection that could have happened. With LOTS of prayers and the hard work of Dr. Fowler and her team, this never happened. I will be ever thankful this did NOT happen, as it would have required an other surgery right away to give her a colostomy. (Something NO ONE wanted to learn to care for!)
After five days of not being allowed to nurse Alexandra was allowed to eat. There is simply no way to describe how relieved I felt to be giving my daughter the milk she needed. Having her body close to my breast was like nothing I can ever describe. Allie seemed just as eager to be nursing as I was to have her nursing. She knew right away what those cues meant and she took to it like one takes to a bicycle after years of not riding. She was a little clumsy at first, but she soon remembered the basics.
After 24 hours of nursing and one good bowel movement later, Dr. Fowler checked her wound, gave her the thumbs up and scheduled an appointment for a week later to check that everything was healing well. We were allowed to go home, and I was praising God the whole way home, knowing that he was faithful to our family the entire time. An added bonus was we made it home in time to celebrate Christmas together as a family in our own home!
I can not say enough positive things about Doctor Fowler and her team. I also can not say anything negative about East Tennessee Children's Hospital. All were very positive experiences given the circumstances and EVERYONE took excellent care of our little girl. A huge thank you must be made to everyone who helped our family and prayed for Alexandra and has continued to pray for her. She is doing amazingly well now and is growing and thriving. She continues to be under the care of Doctor Fowler, however if all goes according to her treatment plan, she should be through with regularly scheduled visits as of next week. Our journey through this has, at times been challenging, but certainly worth all of the pain and work.
When we arrived at East Tennessee Children's Hospital we were immediately whisked into a room where everything seemed to happen at record pace. We knew it would happen pretty quickly given her medical history and the fact that if her bowels weren't emptied soon it could hit the point of critical very quickly. Her doctor (who truly was an ANGEL) came in and did a quick exam. She found that Alex didn't even have an opening large enough to put a suppository in to aid in passing stool. For the life of me I wish I knew this woman's name! She was so sweet to our very upset and sick baby!
After her exam Allie started to pass some stool on her own, but it was tough going. She showed me some tricks her pediatrician did not show me and ways to help the rock hard stool pass. Alexandra cried for quite a while, but she was able to empty herself out enough to be semi-comfortable until the emergency room doctor could get an x-ray to see how far she was backed up and if we needed to do anything else. After the x-ray she still was backed up into her small intestine, so the doctor proceeded with an enema. It was excruciating to watch my little girl be in so much pain, but it had to be done. The last thing we wanted was a ruptured intestine, something that is deadly in both adults and children. I knew a little bit of pain temporarily would do wonders for her in the near future, so we agreed despite knowing how uncomfortable it would be for her.
Alex started moving again and the doctor felt confident enough that she was moving plenty of stool to send us home. She called the surgeon on call with the practice we went to and asked what our next steps should be. Dr. Fowler (the doctor who also did the surgery) suggested we follow up as soon as possible with the surgeon to find out what needed to be done. We made an appointment with Dr. Jensen, her original surgeon, and he felt that it was time to do the surgery, in spite of telling us just weeks before that everything looked good for the time being. David and I were very unsure about letting Dr. Jensen operate on our child, so we did some asking around about his reputation. We found out that he was fairly new out of medical school and not very experienced at doing the imperforate anus repairs. This left me feeling ill-at-ease and I felt that we needed to get a second opinion. We called and scheduled with Dr. Fowler, who I had heard WONDERFUL things about and who was VERY competent in the repair she would be doing. She agreed with Dr. Jensen's assesment, but also felt that we needed to be further informed about the process from admitting to surgery and beyond. In doing so we found out that Dr. Jensen, who felt it should be an outpatient procedure, was wrong. The surgery was going to be a lot more involved that I initially thought, but Dr. Fowler assured me that it was important that we do it soon since Alexandra had developed a prolapsed colon.
The week leading up to her surgery was terrible. I was full of anxiety and fear. I did not want to put my child through a painful procedure, even if it meant a better quality of life for her. I was torn and I didn't sleep much. The night before her surgery, when we were admitted for bowel prep I laid in a ball praying fervently that God would protect my child and guide the hand of the surgeon and her assistants. The fear was terrible, but in spite of the fear I also had a peace about the decision that we had made. I can't tell you how many times I cried and asked what I could have done while I was pregnant to keep Allie from having been born with the problem she had. I know logically that it wasn't my fault, but there is still a part of you as a mom that blames yourself. Its hard to explain, but I kept feeling like I did something wrong.
The next morning our dear friend Kara came to sit with David and I while we waited for Alexandra to be wheeled down to surgery. My heart was full of anxiety, fear, relief, love for her, and prayers. I mostly prayed that nothing terrible would happen to her while on the operating table. I know this is me having knowledge of what CAN happen on the operating table and of course watching too many medical dramas play out on TV. I honestly think that if Kara and David hadn't been there I don't think I would have made it through surgery day with my sanity intact. I cried a little bit, but I also spent a lot of time in prayer that day. It seemed to be the only thing that could calm my anxiety.
The two hours that she was under the knife were the worst two hours of my life. A few times I literally SHOOK with fear. I was terrified for my daughter, but the doctors were amazing. With each phase of surgery, I received phone calls with updates of her progress. I was told how long each part would take and when to expect another phone call. That helped with my anxiety too. I was able to walk around the hospital a bit to clear my head and David took a shift waiting on updates. It helped me to think and to not worry as much.
Shortly after surgery was over and the doctors began to wake her up, we were allowed to head back to her room. Within about a half an hour she was with us and I was able to hold her. Allie was in a little bit of pain, but nothing that wasn't manageable with pain medication and some snuggling. I was able to do skin to skin contact with her and that seemed to do wonders for her pain management. I wanted to nurse her so badly, and I can't even begin to say how hard it was not to have my baby close to me in that manner for an entire week!
Pain medications continued at regular intervals for three days after her surgery in order to keep her from having any bowel movements. This didn't work, but it did delay her first stool a whole day, giving the fresh wound time to seal a little bit. She was given IV antibiotics every six hours until she was discharged in order to stave off any infection that could have happened. With LOTS of prayers and the hard work of Dr. Fowler and her team, this never happened. I will be ever thankful this did NOT happen, as it would have required an other surgery right away to give her a colostomy. (Something NO ONE wanted to learn to care for!)
After five days of not being allowed to nurse Alexandra was allowed to eat. There is simply no way to describe how relieved I felt to be giving my daughter the milk she needed. Having her body close to my breast was like nothing I can ever describe. Allie seemed just as eager to be nursing as I was to have her nursing. She knew right away what those cues meant and she took to it like one takes to a bicycle after years of not riding. She was a little clumsy at first, but she soon remembered the basics.
After 24 hours of nursing and one good bowel movement later, Dr. Fowler checked her wound, gave her the thumbs up and scheduled an appointment for a week later to check that everything was healing well. We were allowed to go home, and I was praising God the whole way home, knowing that he was faithful to our family the entire time. An added bonus was we made it home in time to celebrate Christmas together as a family in our own home!
I can not say enough positive things about Doctor Fowler and her team. I also can not say anything negative about East Tennessee Children's Hospital. All were very positive experiences given the circumstances and EVERYONE took excellent care of our little girl. A huge thank you must be made to everyone who helped our family and prayed for Alexandra and has continued to pray for her. She is doing amazingly well now and is growing and thriving. She continues to be under the care of Doctor Fowler, however if all goes according to her treatment plan, she should be through with regularly scheduled visits as of next week. Our journey through this has, at times been challenging, but certainly worth all of the pain and work.
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