Dare I approach this subject. I don't know, but I'm going to.
Last night it was announced to the world that Robin Williams took his life in an apparent suicide. Needless to say I was shocked. I always pictured him in my minds eye as a happy-go-lucky man with little worry. But what is seen by the public is far from accurate, as it has been revealed.
I have read many articles, blog posts and comments today about this man's death. His personal struggles, that I in my naïve way knew little of, were the demons that ultimately lead to him taking his own life.
But what do we say to someone struggling with depression? Why is it such a taboo subject to discuss? And why, in this day and age, do we refuse to acknowledge it's existence?
Robin Williams' death got me really thinking. Thinking about my own personal darkness. I have been there. I have been so deep in a pit that had it not been for a few things I would have chosen the path he chose. I have felt hopeless and I have felt the despair that can not be resolved.
Here is something many don't know about me. I have contemplated suicide. At nineteen I sat in my bathroom in college with a razor blade pointed at my wrists, ready to slice my arm up. I felt hopeless. I felt alone. I felt dark. And I felt like no one cared. I dealt with a lot of demons, and the therapist I saw at the time will never know just how much I am thankful for her. My roommate will never know just how close I was to laying waste to my life. They just won't be able to understand how hopeless I felt. It's real. It's an ugly place to be.
But that wasn't the last time I felt this way. Bless David. Truly, he was the reason I didn't go through with suicide the second time I considered it. He and Lucy gave me something to live for. I had lost a baby. I didn't feel like I could go on. My life was shattered. Again, I sat on the bathroom floor. Again I held a razor to my body. Again it was a choice I couldn't go through with.
It took great strength for me to find something to be hopeful for, but I did. I found hope when I thought all hope was lost. It was by the grace of God that I found this hope. He alone was who saved me. But I have been there, and it's ugly.
Let me just say that suicide is selfish. It doesn't just affect your life, it affects everyone around you. I knew this, but in spite of this I wanted to end my life. Life didn't seem worth living. But then I was blessed. I found balance in my life and fought down my demons. I faced the music and I took ownership over my choices.
This doesn't mean that I don't feel like a screw up sometimes, but I have hope. I have found my way out of the pit. I have found love through Christ and I have found hope in knowing he loves me, no matter how I feel about myself.
I don't care what you believe, but find something to live for. Maybe a pet, a friend, a child, anything really. Seek help. Do not find shame in seeking that help. And do not let anyone tell you that your depression is made up. It's not. It's a real disease and deserves to be treated as such.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Sunday, June 29, 2014
A Glimpse at What Depression Really Looks Like
So this post has been a long while coming. I know I write off an on, but lately I have taken up journaling again. In a way it is therapeutic but also it just helps. I don't know why, but getting all of my thoughts out there, even the less than savory ones, helps me to be a better person. I find I am a bit more patient and a bit more even tempered. Though that is saying quite a bit for me (more on this in a few) to say the words patient and even tempered. These two words just generally are not in my vocabulary.
Upon reflecting about some of this stuff I had an idea that might help those around me gain some understanding about why I am the way I am. For me, I tend to more eloquently put down what needs to be said/what I'm thinking down in written word. I tend to be less confrontational this way and actually get out there what I am thinking without sounding hateful. (Or at least this is my hope.)
Soooo......drumroll please!! A day in the life of someone who suffers from depression. (Better known as a day in the life of Sarah Heselton.)
Generally speaking I am NOT a morning person. I HATE mornings with a passion. If I could stay up all night and sleep all day life would be perfect in my eyes. (Hence one of the many reasons why I love my job so much! Zero sense of time; YES PLEASE!) But life as a mostly full time stay at home mother does not allow for this. SO I struggle getting out of bed. I mean really struggle. Like wrestle with God about why life necessitates living outside of the confines of a bed struggle. Even when I'm medicated I still feel this way. I just hate morning that much. My husband can't seem to quite understand this concept, as he is an "Up to greet the sun" kind of guy. (Polar opposites anyone?!)
Once I am awoken by a child (usually my son, since he shares a bed with us), I muster up the strength to climb the stairs to start the day. It's a battle to put one foot in front of the other when I'm not medicated. I mean this. I probably can't say it enough. IT. IS. A. BATTLE!! Generally as I am climbing the stairs I am putting on my "game face" for the day. This can range from a look of anger to bright eyed and welcoming. Kind of depends on the day. Truly, it is a conscious choice every morning to attempt to be as pleasant as I can. It just isn't in my nature to be a jolly person first thing in the morning. (Save for a few circumstances.)
About this point in the day I have said some kind of prayer. One thing you may (or may not) know about me is that I have a quite active prayer life. I am constantly praying for strength to get through the day. Yes, it is a bit selfish those prayers, but truly it is what gets me through some points in my day. Morning being one of them.
After I get up the stairs usually lugging my 24lb toddler and my 35lb one on my heals, I proceed with the mundane tasks of the morning. Feeding children, putting our oldest on the toilet, getting kids dressed followed by getting myself dressed. This usually happens within a span of an hour. By this point I am less resentful about the fact that I am out of bed and generally feeling a little more cheery.
That said, on REALLY bad days I find myself getting slammed with an overwhelming sense of anxiety. Things like "Am I doing a good job with my kids?" and "Oh gracious, I have xyz chore to accomplish today." send me reeling faster than anything. Keep in mind it isn't ALWAYS like this, just on the particularly bad days. That's when my most commonly prayed prayer comes in for the day. Usually it goes something like this "Jesus, please calm my mind and help me to focus. Help me to be patient with my kids while I handle what needs done." USUALLY it works. I say usually because again, sometimes my body is just so completely out of balance that no amount of prayer is going to help me out.
I will be wickedly honest here. I am a TERRIBLE housekeeper. I mean, awful. It's getting better than it used to. (Trust me, you don't want to know how bad it really was in times past.) But part of the reason I am a terrible house keeper is I get overwhelmed by the thought of having to do this chore or that chore. And before you get all judgey (because I know some of you will) I have tried just about every method of organization for house keeping I can think of. But nothing has worked thus far, aside from staying medicated. My brain just doesn't work that way. Honestly I actually THINK and DO better when there is a bit of clutter around me. I feel closed in by rooms that are too orderly and that is a sure fire way to set in panic faster than anything else. I'm not talking filth here, just clutter. A few dirty clothes on the floor, dust on the shelves that sort of thing makes me feel at home and relaxed. It is what it is.
While we're on the topic of being medicated, I should say a few things about this. Medicated for me means a couple of things, depending on finances. Medicated for me can mean either Lexapro, a serotonin reuptake inhibitor, or some natural methods. If you know me you know I prefer natural methods FIRST over anything else BUT sometimes my brain is so out of whack even those don't fix the problem. And frankly they tend to be more exspensive than the $4 prescription.
Let me also just say that prayer doesn't always work. I am a believer in Jesus. Read my blogs of past and you can see this much, but there is a common problem in the church that drives me absolutely batty about depression. Praying the depression away doesn't work. I'm not saying God isn't the great healer, no that is not what I am saying at all, but we as believers need to step back and realize that SOMETIMES our people need medical help, therapy and many other things to help them through. It actually makes me angry when people say "I am praying for you." but offer to do little else. Thanks, I appreciate the prayers but sometimes I am silently screaming "HOW ABOUT A LITTLE HELP HERE!!" Even something as simple as offering to take my kids for an hour so I can regroup on the bad days would be nice. And trust me I have days where I think to myself "What the hell was I thinking?!"
Back on track with how the rest of my day goes. Usually after tackling chores (typically work related in nature) I spend some time with my kids. By this time I found the lunch hour has snuck up on me and I need to feed them something. So it is a quick game of "Ehh... nothing sounds good but I know I need to eat." in my brain followed by over indulging. Yeah, food and I are always at odds with each other. It's something I have been working on and battling for years.
Once lunch is wrapped up I play for a few more minutes with the kids followed by putting them down for naps. This is a battle with my son currently. Nathaniel HATES naps, but I'm a mean mommy and I make them take at least quiet time. It's my time to do what I want in the afternoons, dream and do a few more chores. Usually this is when dishes get washed, laundry gets thrown in the washer (I'm not so great at the folding and putting away part, but trying to make an effort to be better at it.) and I start gearing myself up for dinner time.
After naps it is dinner prep, where once again I have a bit of a dip in the day. By this point I am getting tired. My depression manifests itself in the form of being tired. I am one of those depressed people that could sleep my life away during the day, but at night can't sleep a wink unless I force myself to.
We go to the gym where I will try to force myself to do some kind of physical activity after dinner. Usually this involves swimming, as I am most relaxed when I am in the water, but some days it is walking on the treadmill or using the elliptical. We come home and we get the kids in bed. I nurse the youngest and read the oldest her bed time stories. Once they are in bed I get my "me time." where I go hide in my office for a while. Usually a half hour or so. I write, read and surf the web for a bit. Then I spend a little time with David before he is off to bed. Wherein I wrap up my day watching a bit of television and then head to bed myself. I wrestle with sleep for an hour or so and finally pass out around 11:30.
So you see, my life is mild compared to some I know. Here is the thing though. I can tell you all of this and to some of you, all you will see is someone who is lazy, unmotivated or directionless. I'm really not. My life is constant battle with my brain. My brain doesn't function properly. It is what it is. I don't know why God made me this way, but he did.
I also know that the dysfunctional brain also is a blessing. Some will not see it that way, but to me it allows me to look at things through a different lens. It makes me compassionate to others. It drives much of what I do concerning my job and it gives me passion. My brain has its glitches, but in it all I am not sure I would change that. It makes me who I am and honestly it helps me to understand better so that I can do my job of supporting women.
My brain is also highly intelligent. I may not come off that way to some, but my brain is full of information. Especially surrounding birth. I know many statistics, thought processes of nurses, midwives and OBs and I am a damn good doula because of that. (and I sure hope that one day I will be a damn good midwife because of it!) I research, I learn and I am constantly absorbing information about my craft. I am who I am and I accept that sometimes I am a bit glitch. And when I am, I have medication to help me be the best person I can be.
Upon reflecting about some of this stuff I had an idea that might help those around me gain some understanding about why I am the way I am. For me, I tend to more eloquently put down what needs to be said/what I'm thinking down in written word. I tend to be less confrontational this way and actually get out there what I am thinking without sounding hateful. (Or at least this is my hope.)
Soooo......drumroll please!! A day in the life of someone who suffers from depression. (Better known as a day in the life of Sarah Heselton.)
Generally speaking I am NOT a morning person. I HATE mornings with a passion. If I could stay up all night and sleep all day life would be perfect in my eyes. (Hence one of the many reasons why I love my job so much! Zero sense of time; YES PLEASE!) But life as a mostly full time stay at home mother does not allow for this. SO I struggle getting out of bed. I mean really struggle. Like wrestle with God about why life necessitates living outside of the confines of a bed struggle. Even when I'm medicated I still feel this way. I just hate morning that much. My husband can't seem to quite understand this concept, as he is an "Up to greet the sun" kind of guy. (Polar opposites anyone?!)
Once I am awoken by a child (usually my son, since he shares a bed with us), I muster up the strength to climb the stairs to start the day. It's a battle to put one foot in front of the other when I'm not medicated. I mean this. I probably can't say it enough. IT. IS. A. BATTLE!! Generally as I am climbing the stairs I am putting on my "game face" for the day. This can range from a look of anger to bright eyed and welcoming. Kind of depends on the day. Truly, it is a conscious choice every morning to attempt to be as pleasant as I can. It just isn't in my nature to be a jolly person first thing in the morning. (Save for a few circumstances.)
About this point in the day I have said some kind of prayer. One thing you may (or may not) know about me is that I have a quite active prayer life. I am constantly praying for strength to get through the day. Yes, it is a bit selfish those prayers, but truly it is what gets me through some points in my day. Morning being one of them.
After I get up the stairs usually lugging my 24lb toddler and my 35lb one on my heals, I proceed with the mundane tasks of the morning. Feeding children, putting our oldest on the toilet, getting kids dressed followed by getting myself dressed. This usually happens within a span of an hour. By this point I am less resentful about the fact that I am out of bed and generally feeling a little more cheery.
That said, on REALLY bad days I find myself getting slammed with an overwhelming sense of anxiety. Things like "Am I doing a good job with my kids?" and "Oh gracious, I have xyz chore to accomplish today." send me reeling faster than anything. Keep in mind it isn't ALWAYS like this, just on the particularly bad days. That's when my most commonly prayed prayer comes in for the day. Usually it goes something like this "Jesus, please calm my mind and help me to focus. Help me to be patient with my kids while I handle what needs done." USUALLY it works. I say usually because again, sometimes my body is just so completely out of balance that no amount of prayer is going to help me out.
I will be wickedly honest here. I am a TERRIBLE housekeeper. I mean, awful. It's getting better than it used to. (Trust me, you don't want to know how bad it really was in times past.) But part of the reason I am a terrible house keeper is I get overwhelmed by the thought of having to do this chore or that chore. And before you get all judgey (because I know some of you will) I have tried just about every method of organization for house keeping I can think of. But nothing has worked thus far, aside from staying medicated. My brain just doesn't work that way. Honestly I actually THINK and DO better when there is a bit of clutter around me. I feel closed in by rooms that are too orderly and that is a sure fire way to set in panic faster than anything else. I'm not talking filth here, just clutter. A few dirty clothes on the floor, dust on the shelves that sort of thing makes me feel at home and relaxed. It is what it is.
While we're on the topic of being medicated, I should say a few things about this. Medicated for me means a couple of things, depending on finances. Medicated for me can mean either Lexapro, a serotonin reuptake inhibitor, or some natural methods. If you know me you know I prefer natural methods FIRST over anything else BUT sometimes my brain is so out of whack even those don't fix the problem. And frankly they tend to be more exspensive than the $4 prescription.
Let me also just say that prayer doesn't always work. I am a believer in Jesus. Read my blogs of past and you can see this much, but there is a common problem in the church that drives me absolutely batty about depression. Praying the depression away doesn't work. I'm not saying God isn't the great healer, no that is not what I am saying at all, but we as believers need to step back and realize that SOMETIMES our people need medical help, therapy and many other things to help them through. It actually makes me angry when people say "I am praying for you." but offer to do little else. Thanks, I appreciate the prayers but sometimes I am silently screaming "HOW ABOUT A LITTLE HELP HERE!!" Even something as simple as offering to take my kids for an hour so I can regroup on the bad days would be nice. And trust me I have days where I think to myself "What the hell was I thinking?!"
Back on track with how the rest of my day goes. Usually after tackling chores (typically work related in nature) I spend some time with my kids. By this time I found the lunch hour has snuck up on me and I need to feed them something. So it is a quick game of "Ehh... nothing sounds good but I know I need to eat." in my brain followed by over indulging. Yeah, food and I are always at odds with each other. It's something I have been working on and battling for years.
Once lunch is wrapped up I play for a few more minutes with the kids followed by putting them down for naps. This is a battle with my son currently. Nathaniel HATES naps, but I'm a mean mommy and I make them take at least quiet time. It's my time to do what I want in the afternoons, dream and do a few more chores. Usually this is when dishes get washed, laundry gets thrown in the washer (I'm not so great at the folding and putting away part, but trying to make an effort to be better at it.) and I start gearing myself up for dinner time.
After naps it is dinner prep, where once again I have a bit of a dip in the day. By this point I am getting tired. My depression manifests itself in the form of being tired. I am one of those depressed people that could sleep my life away during the day, but at night can't sleep a wink unless I force myself to.
We go to the gym where I will try to force myself to do some kind of physical activity after dinner. Usually this involves swimming, as I am most relaxed when I am in the water, but some days it is walking on the treadmill or using the elliptical. We come home and we get the kids in bed. I nurse the youngest and read the oldest her bed time stories. Once they are in bed I get my "me time." where I go hide in my office for a while. Usually a half hour or so. I write, read and surf the web for a bit. Then I spend a little time with David before he is off to bed. Wherein I wrap up my day watching a bit of television and then head to bed myself. I wrestle with sleep for an hour or so and finally pass out around 11:30.
So you see, my life is mild compared to some I know. Here is the thing though. I can tell you all of this and to some of you, all you will see is someone who is lazy, unmotivated or directionless. I'm really not. My life is constant battle with my brain. My brain doesn't function properly. It is what it is. I don't know why God made me this way, but he did.
I also know that the dysfunctional brain also is a blessing. Some will not see it that way, but to me it allows me to look at things through a different lens. It makes me compassionate to others. It drives much of what I do concerning my job and it gives me passion. My brain has its glitches, but in it all I am not sure I would change that. It makes me who I am and honestly it helps me to understand better so that I can do my job of supporting women.
My brain is also highly intelligent. I may not come off that way to some, but my brain is full of information. Especially surrounding birth. I know many statistics, thought processes of nurses, midwives and OBs and I am a damn good doula because of that. (and I sure hope that one day I will be a damn good midwife because of it!) I research, I learn and I am constantly absorbing information about my craft. I am who I am and I accept that sometimes I am a bit glitch. And when I am, I have medication to help me be the best person I can be.
Friday, April 11, 2014
It's about time
It's no big secret I struggle with weight. For years I have battled with my waist line. By some standards I could be considered to have an eating disorder. Though I'm not sure I'm willing to go to that extreme in labeling my love and obsession with food, I am a freely admitting I have a problem.
Here's the thing, I LOVE to eat. I love foods of all kinds. In fact, I can safely assume that I have ALWAYS liked to eat. I come from a family of excellent cooks, well meaning grandparents that overfeed, and family members that love to eat equally as much as I do. Heck, most of our family gatherings growing up involved food in some capacity or other. Simply put, I can't escape food, and frankly who would want to?!
So what's a girl like me to do when they want to find a healthy balance between food and life? Limiting calories didn't work, I always walked away hungry and I was cranky at the end of the day. Gluten free didn't work. It was far too difficult for me and my family HATED it. Vegetarianism? Forget it! I love me some meat! Atkins? Nope! Not gonna work, I enjoy eating fruit too much. Weight Watchers? Too time consuming, not cost effective and I never felt satisfied. See my dilemma?
New on the scene in many churches, women's study groups and dieters circles is a program called Trim Healthy Mama. Dare I try it? Could this be the answer I have been looking for to shed the unwanted weight, feel healthy again and still satisfy my family? So I got the book starting on Sunday evening and have been giving it a good read through. I have to say, so far I am enjoying the read, have found myself to agree with **most** of the information and have seen plenty of success stories to feel like it is worth an honest try.
The kicker, NO FOOD GROUP IS OFF LIMITS! I am praying that through working through the book, learning this style of eating and LOTS of focus I am able to shed the weight. What's more is that I am deeply praying that I can lift the bondage food has held over me for years. I'm not sure why, but food has always been a coping mechanism for me. It's the way I deal with emotional situations and it's my way of avoiding what is truly bothering me.
Now for me to be this transparent with you, there is something one should understand. As a general rule, when it comes to my eating habits I am not very honest with myself. It is painful to be this transparent but it's something I am learning I NEED to be more honest about. I will never overcome this sinful mentality about food (often bordering on gluttonous) if I don't share with others what i'm really struggling with.
I'm a control freak too. Being unable to control 100% of my life, my children's behavior or other people's behavior drive me crazy. Food IS the one thing I CAN control. I have had an unhealthy relationship with food for years and that HAS to stop or I am going to eat myself into an early grave. For the sake of my children and husband I just can't do that. There are certain people and situations in my life that make it worse. Frankly, the fact that I march to the beat of my own drum creates some of those situations.
My husband doesn't quite understand either. Oh, he TRIES to understand, but unless you have had a power struggle with food or emotional eating, it's difficult for people to understand. But I'm prayerfully letting it go. Did you read that? I'M LETTING IT GO! Food will no longer have the power of me.
Does that mean I am going to stop eating or enjoying food? No way! God made me to enjoy food and he made food enjoyable for his people. That's why we can't survive on just water, sunshine or the air! We HAVE to have food. So why not enjoy it? Why not find joy in it again? With some hard work, lots of prayer and a little encouragement I can and WILL do this! It's about time after all.
Here's the thing, I LOVE to eat. I love foods of all kinds. In fact, I can safely assume that I have ALWAYS liked to eat. I come from a family of excellent cooks, well meaning grandparents that overfeed, and family members that love to eat equally as much as I do. Heck, most of our family gatherings growing up involved food in some capacity or other. Simply put, I can't escape food, and frankly who would want to?!
So what's a girl like me to do when they want to find a healthy balance between food and life? Limiting calories didn't work, I always walked away hungry and I was cranky at the end of the day. Gluten free didn't work. It was far too difficult for me and my family HATED it. Vegetarianism? Forget it! I love me some meat! Atkins? Nope! Not gonna work, I enjoy eating fruit too much. Weight Watchers? Too time consuming, not cost effective and I never felt satisfied. See my dilemma?
New on the scene in many churches, women's study groups and dieters circles is a program called Trim Healthy Mama. Dare I try it? Could this be the answer I have been looking for to shed the unwanted weight, feel healthy again and still satisfy my family? So I got the book starting on Sunday evening and have been giving it a good read through. I have to say, so far I am enjoying the read, have found myself to agree with **most** of the information and have seen plenty of success stories to feel like it is worth an honest try.
The kicker, NO FOOD GROUP IS OFF LIMITS! I am praying that through working through the book, learning this style of eating and LOTS of focus I am able to shed the weight. What's more is that I am deeply praying that I can lift the bondage food has held over me for years. I'm not sure why, but food has always been a coping mechanism for me. It's the way I deal with emotional situations and it's my way of avoiding what is truly bothering me.
Now for me to be this transparent with you, there is something one should understand. As a general rule, when it comes to my eating habits I am not very honest with myself. It is painful to be this transparent but it's something I am learning I NEED to be more honest about. I will never overcome this sinful mentality about food (often bordering on gluttonous) if I don't share with others what i'm really struggling with.
I'm a control freak too. Being unable to control 100% of my life, my children's behavior or other people's behavior drive me crazy. Food IS the one thing I CAN control. I have had an unhealthy relationship with food for years and that HAS to stop or I am going to eat myself into an early grave. For the sake of my children and husband I just can't do that. There are certain people and situations in my life that make it worse. Frankly, the fact that I march to the beat of my own drum creates some of those situations.
My husband doesn't quite understand either. Oh, he TRIES to understand, but unless you have had a power struggle with food or emotional eating, it's difficult for people to understand. But I'm prayerfully letting it go. Did you read that? I'M LETTING IT GO! Food will no longer have the power of me.
Does that mean I am going to stop eating or enjoying food? No way! God made me to enjoy food and he made food enjoyable for his people. That's why we can't survive on just water, sunshine or the air! We HAVE to have food. So why not enjoy it? Why not find joy in it again? With some hard work, lots of prayer and a little encouragement I can and WILL do this! It's about time after all.
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Musings of a late night rambler
I know, I haven't updated or written a post in FOREVER. Shocker! Alas, it seems life has taken over and things like my joy of writing, even if it is about myself/family, has been placed on the back burner in favor of the everyday task of caring for my growing family.
SOOOO....here is a mini-update for my non-facebook readers as well as a few of my ramblings to follow.
Update #1
Alexandra is now talking in full sentences. I know, a bit delayed, but still a victory nevertheless. Her favorite one right now is "I did it!" She is also potty training, a task that is proving to be herculean, but that she eems to be making progress in. She LOVES Sophia the First. It is usually her choice of television shows for TV time. We **try** to limit television time to one hour a day, but some days it is just a task not worth fighting over, so she ends up getting more. (Admittedly, today she was feeling under the weather with what appears to be the cold everyone else has had, so I let it slide. Tomorrow we will do better.) We balance life out with lots of play time and she has recently discovered finger painting. She also enjoys her bath time and looks forward to it to finger "paint" the tub walls.
Update #2
Nathaniel is CRAWLING! **Insert nostalgic glance at baby** Oh how this tired mama longs for the days when he was just content to cuddle all day. Don't get me wrong, its fun having a curious baby who is eager to explore his world, but it sure makes things a bit more challenging. He is also jabbering up a storm. He loves books, just like his sister, and he LOVES food! Bath time is becoming more of a challenge too, as he has figured out how to pull up on furniture and the bath tub is the perfect height for little hands to grasp.
Update #3
David and I are doing well and seem to be adjusting to a new routine with his work schedule. It's tough, but manageable. It makes bedtime routines sometimes a challenge, as we have started working on getting Nathaniel to sleep by about 7pm, but it is doable on my own. Alexandra is going through a phase right now where she doesn't want to sleep without mommy snuggles before bed, so I will admit putting the baby to bed can be tough when it is just me.
Update #4
My job is starting to pick up again somewhat. :-) I am learning whole new side to birth and LOVING it! I mean really, who gets this excited about a job, unless they love it. No joke, my favorite part of the day is studying the placenta. LOL! Most people are grossed about by this thought, but I find that organ fascinating. It's great fun to me. I am also going to be starting my journey this summer into birth assisting. I'm not sure quite yet how that is going to fit in with my family, but I am excited to see. I know it is going to be a blessing for us both financially, but also as it will press me further in the direction I want to go as a midwife. Without a doubt I can say it is my dream, and while it is a long way off, it is attainable with some hard work, LOTS of births and a great preceptor. I'm a little intimidated by how long it may take, but I'm up for the challenge. Truth be told, I've NEVER been this passionate about ANYTHING in my entire life. Just finding the funds to achieve it all will be difficult, as student loans do not pay for the majority of it. At some point in the very near future I will be making a major "wish list" of midwifery related books and tools I will be needing at some point. We plan to prioritize and purchase as we can.
Now that I've got the obligatory update out of the way, I will share some more about what I have been mulling over in my head this evening.
I recently read a blog post by one of my fellow mamas that really smacked me in the face. She spoke about our personalities and how God created her just the way she is. It really hit home for me on a lot of levels.
Recently I have been struggling some as a mom. My own fear of failure sometimes creeps into my relationship with my kids. Frankly it has been tougher than I thought adjusting to having two children. The first initial weeks were easy, but as time has gone on I had a harder time adjusting than I thought I would.
So how does this relate to the blog post you ask? It occurred to me that, as I was reading this post, I realized my struggles with my kids came down to personalities. See, here it the thing, when I feel overly criticized, I shut down. Parents can't escape the critics, doesn't matter where you go, everyone has an opinion about how you should raise your children. So, as is my nature, I have been shutting down some to criticism.
Well, I have one child that is very much like me, and one child that seems to be very much like her father, with a few things smattered in there that belong to me. Everyone has a comment to make about one child or the other and I find that incredibly unfair to them and to me. Let me just start off by saying, I do the best I can. Yes, I fall short in A LOT of areas, but I honestly do my best. Some days are just better than others.
Recently I noticed I was becoming distant from my daughter and couldn't figure out why I felt like there was a void there. I just couldn't put my finger on it until my husband pointed out that she is at an age where she likes to DO things with me. So I have started to make an effort to put down the phone, the computer, the TV, or whatever and spend quality time with her. It's hard. I'll admit it. Technology is a HUGE part of my job, especially social media, and becoming unplugged is a challenge that is often difficult to overcome.
So as I unplug for those times I am playing with her I have noticed something. Her personality is growing and changing before my eyes. I am seeing unfold before me a beautiful soul I never realized existed. She is so LOVING. She is so compassionate and she is incredibly sensitive. I found myself reading that blog post tonight and silently crying knowing I had missed on too much of my toddler's life. I'm too busy doing and accomplishing that I had forgotten to soak in this beautiful life I had a part in creating. And I found myself suddenly sad for the parts I have missed over the last six or so months. I have been so busy creating this image of a "put together" mom that I forgot to love on my daughter.
So I challenge you all to unplug. Even if for just five minutes. Observe. Observe the lives before you, especially if you have children and soak in the little moments. It goes by far to quickly and you are likely to miss something important, especially something you may find insightful about their personalities. Instead, put it to the side and wait until the children are in bed, when you spouse is in bed or when all is quite to be with technology. It can wait. I can wait. And trust me I am going to TRY my hardest to do better and make things wait until my kids are asleep, my daughter doesn't need me or my son doesn't need me so that I can be the best mama to my two beautiful children. Who knows what you might learn, but I can guarantee you won't have a regret about it.
SOOOO....here is a mini-update for my non-facebook readers as well as a few of my ramblings to follow.
Update #1
Alexandra is now talking in full sentences. I know, a bit delayed, but still a victory nevertheless. Her favorite one right now is "I did it!" She is also potty training, a task that is proving to be herculean, but that she eems to be making progress in. She LOVES Sophia the First. It is usually her choice of television shows for TV time. We **try** to limit television time to one hour a day, but some days it is just a task not worth fighting over, so she ends up getting more. (Admittedly, today she was feeling under the weather with what appears to be the cold everyone else has had, so I let it slide. Tomorrow we will do better.) We balance life out with lots of play time and she has recently discovered finger painting. She also enjoys her bath time and looks forward to it to finger "paint" the tub walls.
Update #2
Nathaniel is CRAWLING! **Insert nostalgic glance at baby** Oh how this tired mama longs for the days when he was just content to cuddle all day. Don't get me wrong, its fun having a curious baby who is eager to explore his world, but it sure makes things a bit more challenging. He is also jabbering up a storm. He loves books, just like his sister, and he LOVES food! Bath time is becoming more of a challenge too, as he has figured out how to pull up on furniture and the bath tub is the perfect height for little hands to grasp.
Update #3
David and I are doing well and seem to be adjusting to a new routine with his work schedule. It's tough, but manageable. It makes bedtime routines sometimes a challenge, as we have started working on getting Nathaniel to sleep by about 7pm, but it is doable on my own. Alexandra is going through a phase right now where she doesn't want to sleep without mommy snuggles before bed, so I will admit putting the baby to bed can be tough when it is just me.
Update #4
My job is starting to pick up again somewhat. :-) I am learning whole new side to birth and LOVING it! I mean really, who gets this excited about a job, unless they love it. No joke, my favorite part of the day is studying the placenta. LOL! Most people are grossed about by this thought, but I find that organ fascinating. It's great fun to me. I am also going to be starting my journey this summer into birth assisting. I'm not sure quite yet how that is going to fit in with my family, but I am excited to see. I know it is going to be a blessing for us both financially, but also as it will press me further in the direction I want to go as a midwife. Without a doubt I can say it is my dream, and while it is a long way off, it is attainable with some hard work, LOTS of births and a great preceptor. I'm a little intimidated by how long it may take, but I'm up for the challenge. Truth be told, I've NEVER been this passionate about ANYTHING in my entire life. Just finding the funds to achieve it all will be difficult, as student loans do not pay for the majority of it. At some point in the very near future I will be making a major "wish list" of midwifery related books and tools I will be needing at some point. We plan to prioritize and purchase as we can.
Now that I've got the obligatory update out of the way, I will share some more about what I have been mulling over in my head this evening.
I recently read a blog post by one of my fellow mamas that really smacked me in the face. She spoke about our personalities and how God created her just the way she is. It really hit home for me on a lot of levels.
Recently I have been struggling some as a mom. My own fear of failure sometimes creeps into my relationship with my kids. Frankly it has been tougher than I thought adjusting to having two children. The first initial weeks were easy, but as time has gone on I had a harder time adjusting than I thought I would.
So how does this relate to the blog post you ask? It occurred to me that, as I was reading this post, I realized my struggles with my kids came down to personalities. See, here it the thing, when I feel overly criticized, I shut down. Parents can't escape the critics, doesn't matter where you go, everyone has an opinion about how you should raise your children. So, as is my nature, I have been shutting down some to criticism.
Well, I have one child that is very much like me, and one child that seems to be very much like her father, with a few things smattered in there that belong to me. Everyone has a comment to make about one child or the other and I find that incredibly unfair to them and to me. Let me just start off by saying, I do the best I can. Yes, I fall short in A LOT of areas, but I honestly do my best. Some days are just better than others.
Recently I noticed I was becoming distant from my daughter and couldn't figure out why I felt like there was a void there. I just couldn't put my finger on it until my husband pointed out that she is at an age where she likes to DO things with me. So I have started to make an effort to put down the phone, the computer, the TV, or whatever and spend quality time with her. It's hard. I'll admit it. Technology is a HUGE part of my job, especially social media, and becoming unplugged is a challenge that is often difficult to overcome.
So as I unplug for those times I am playing with her I have noticed something. Her personality is growing and changing before my eyes. I am seeing unfold before me a beautiful soul I never realized existed. She is so LOVING. She is so compassionate and she is incredibly sensitive. I found myself reading that blog post tonight and silently crying knowing I had missed on too much of my toddler's life. I'm too busy doing and accomplishing that I had forgotten to soak in this beautiful life I had a part in creating. And I found myself suddenly sad for the parts I have missed over the last six or so months. I have been so busy creating this image of a "put together" mom that I forgot to love on my daughter.
So I challenge you all to unplug. Even if for just five minutes. Observe. Observe the lives before you, especially if you have children and soak in the little moments. It goes by far to quickly and you are likely to miss something important, especially something you may find insightful about their personalities. Instead, put it to the side and wait until the children are in bed, when you spouse is in bed or when all is quite to be with technology. It can wait. I can wait. And trust me I am going to TRY my hardest to do better and make things wait until my kids are asleep, my daughter doesn't need me or my son doesn't need me so that I can be the best mama to my two beautiful children. Who knows what you might learn, but I can guarantee you won't have a regret about it.
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