Late Night Ponderings

Friends and Family,

Life has been somewhat difficult in the following month since moving to our apartment. To no avail I have been attempting to control attacks of anxiety and depression that have plagued me almost daily until about two weeks ago. I have struggled to complete the most mundane of tasks; washing dishes was a nightmare, laundry: forget about it, and sleep seemed to elude me. Nothing I tried helped, often times I would find myself crawling into bed at 4 or 5 in the morning only to rise a few hours later for the work day or to spend a small amount of time with my husband before he headed to work for the day. Night time has been both my friend and my enemy.

Two weeks ago today I had one of the worst panic attacks I have ever suffered, leaving my husband to cope with a spouse that could not be consoled no matter what he did. I felt it coming all day long and prayed with everything in me that it would be done and gone before David returned home for the day after working. I wanted so desperately for him to be away so that he would not witness the uncontrolled crying that occurs. Thankfully however he was home and his presence was, even in the most tumultuous of moments, helpful. He embraced me when I needed a hug, brought me water and even attempted to help slow my breathing with a paper bag. I can only thank God for the support he offered me when I wanted it the least.

The next morning I was scheduled to see a doctor for some stomach issues I have been struggling with (mostly due to the anxiety) and I asked about what he could possibly do to help me with the depression and anxiety. That was simply a bust and the doctor would not listen to me as I listed off my medical history. He refused to treat my PCOS in a manner that would be helpful and instead chose to test me for diabetes; knowing full well that I was not a diabetic I agreed anyway hoping he would see my slightly elevated blood glucose level and help me to treat my PCOS in an appropriate manner. Oh well, all I can say is that Doctor Kim was a quack and wouldn't listen. All he did was preach about my weight!

I called my parents and spoke with them about what had been happening over the last several days and the fragile emotional state I had been in. Thank GOD that my mom and dad offered to help me by getting the right treatment so that I could see a doctor and begin treating my anxiety and depression (that I should also mention is directly related to my PCOS) in an appropriate manner. I can honestly say now that thanks to the medication the doctor perscribed (thankfully on the discount med list!) has been doing wonders and I am finally starting to feel like myself again.

One thing I am learning through this experience is that sometimes you have to swallow your pride and ask for help. Thats what family and friends are for. I know its embarrassing, but its certainly a humbling thing for me as well. That being said I am also learning to finally come to terms with the fact that I suffer from a disease that I will have to manage all of my life. Its not fair, and its not fun, but God only gives us what we can handle and I truly believe that he has placed the right people in my life to help me cope with the uncertainty this disease holds. Maybe one day they will find a cure for PCOS and depression and we'll all be in a better state, but until then, I have to do my part to stay well and to manage the disease the best that I can. I need to educate myself as much as possible on the disease and how I can manage it in a way that will have as little as possible impact on my spouse and eventually our children.

I love you all and I thank you from the depths of my heart for your love and support over the last seven months. Your thoughts and prayers are heard and felt! We ask that you continue to pray for us as we grow and face challenges. Pray that God will continue to strengthen our marriage and that David and I do our best to do his will. We pray that we can love like Christ loved his church.

Sending you all hugs and kisses!

Sarah, David, Lucy and Odin