UGH! As I sit here this evening typing this update I am feeling not only restless, but impatient! I am feeling impatient with the timing of life and annoyed with God. Not so much to say that I am annoyed with where God is taking me, but more so in the simple fact that I can't seem to gain a foothold on my pursuit of an education. Due to some unwise choices I made when I first struck out on my own, I am living less comfortably than I would like to, thus making it more difficult to follow through on my need of an education. Simply put, its irritating.
I am feeling restless and I facing a lack of direction that I once held. Now it seems as though the only thoughts on my mind are bills, marriage, and what my future holds. Though we are not ready for parenthood, I find myself asking God when things will happen, if I'm able to carry a child, and what life will be like should we have a child at this present time. I'm not saying I want a baby right now, I know we are no where capable of sustaining the finances required to raise a child, but I find that daily I face the aching and longing for my child. I am in my truest form a nurturer and as a result of this I am constantly concerned with the needs of those around me.
It is the need for nurturing others that drives me question my career path. Should I be a nurse, a teacher, or something else? Many unanswered questions are circling around in my brain, and it seems as though I am being told to wait. I am not a waiter, I LOATH being told to wait! But unfortunately God seems to have bigger plans for me, and is yet again teaching me a lesson in understanding his timing! YUCK! I guess what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger! :-) God isn't killing me, and he IS teaching me about the importance of his timing. I long to please YHWH and I often feels as though I am failing him.
I am reminded in spite of the fact that I am frustrated that God is my creator, and that he has made me in his image. He made me to long for greater things, and he made me to desire to serve others. I am made perfectly in his image and there is no one greater that loves me, not even my husband. It is this understanding that allows me to press on and do my best to please him, even when I feel as though I am failing.
I leave you with these words of encouragement, meant not only to remind you, but also myself of God's holiness and the value of waiting on his timing.
Psalm 27:14
14 Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.
Psalm 37:7
7 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.
Many times, what God wants to give us most is the ability to trust Him more. As a good Father, he gives us what we need and not what we want. This is a difficult lesson, and I am still learning it in many ways.
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