Pregnancy after Loss

One year. Seems like a lifetime ago, when in fact it was just a drop in the hat of my life. Okay maybe not a drop in the hat, but certainly a small fraction of it. One year ago I found out I was pregnant again, imagine my surprise, since I was on the mini-pill AND nursing Alexandra. Imagine how scared silly I was since not only do I have a history (a rather long one at that) of miscarriage, but because in this wonderful world called parenting, I was still walking on sea legs! Words can not even describe how scared I was and frustrated too. David and I had been doing everything in our power to avoid another pregnancy, we didn't want another baby right away and especially not given the fact that we were struggling just to make things work on one income.

 We decided, for once in our reproductive history, to not share that I was pregnant. We wanted to make sure everything was okay and we also wanted to wait for our upcoming trip back to Virginia and Pennsylvania to share our exciting and shocking news. I think in the very back of my mind I knew something wasn't right, but I prayed over my pregnancy like I had countless times before with the others. I prayed that this time I wouldn't need medication to keep my hormones in check, and I prayed that somehow we could handle parenting two children so close in age. Seemed like the only thing I could control was to share my fears with God anyway. I went two weeks, carrying a secret that frankly for me was darn near impossible to keep.

What can I say, I'm the eternal optimist when it comes to my pregnancies.I always hope for the best, all the while entertaining the worst in the back of my mind. I even went so far as to seek out a VBAC friendly provider. I figured if this was going to happen, I wanted to have a second chance at the birth I had envisioned for Alexandra. Why not? I was already making the move to the more "crunchy" end of the spectrum of living, it just seemed logical for me to do it with my children starting from birth.

Then the worst happened. Two weeks later, on March 12, I started to have some spotting. I just figured it was the normal "implantation bleeding" I had with Alex, but yet something still felt off. I was crampy, bloated, and all around didn't feel like myself. It was late at night, like 2am or something crazy. I had gone to the bathroom after nursing Alexandra. I wrote it off to it being pregnancy symptoms, after all this was my first pregnancy after my C-section and I had heard a lot of stories from moms who said that they felt this way more after having a C-section than with their first or second (some moms I talked to have a vaginal birth with the first and section with the second). I just figured it was normal. Until it wasn't. I passed a small clot. "Nope, this isn't normal." I told myself. Call Doctor Jones and Eaton right away my brain told me. My husband reminds me to relax, it could be nothing after all, but my heart just knew.

That night I dreamt of my Grandpa. Still to this day, nearly a year later I can remember the details vividly. I honestly believe it was him, coming to tell me what I already knew, yet to gently remind me that I AM a good mom and that this isn't my fault. It was raw and so real. He was wearing a yellow and white banded polo with black horizontal pin stripes and those classic Docks Khakis he always wore with a floppy tan fishing hat and his brown leather loafers. We were sitting on a pier on what appeared to be a lake, fishing. It was bright out, so sunny in fact that I couldn't see much but a fuzz of shapes that looked like trees around me. I was wearing my favorite black peasant skirt and my Chaco sandals with a white tank top. Alexandra was no where to be found, but I could hear her in the background cooing. I sat silently while he talked and when I reached over, crying to give him a hug, David came in to wake Alex and I up for church. I remember because it was so real.

That afternoon we had our small group praying for us. I asked that my mind be eased and that it was nothing. The following morning I called my doctor and they were able to fit me in. Doctor Jones didn't feel to confident in what was happening and sent me back for an ultrasound. There was nothing to be seen except and empty sac. No baby, no heartbeat. I had what is called a blighted ovum and that since I was miscarrying naturally (again) I shouldn't need any medication or surgery. I had to have my levels checked every three days until the they went down to make certain I didn't have an ectopic pregnancy. I still thank God that I didn't have THAT going on! It was hard enough coping with a loss while caring for an infant, let alone having to have surgery. I don't think I could have done it.

Our small group was great. They prayed for us and over us. It was just what I needed at the time, until I went on my trip. A few weeks later, while I was still miscarrying, I went on a trip to visit my family. Saying I was emotional is an understatement. This was supposed to be a happy and exciting trip, not one marred with sadness, after all my cousin was getting married and I was going to see family I had not seen in a very long time. I hid it until after her wedding and managed to muster up a few genuine smiles and feelings of happiness. If only for a short time, it was the distraction I needed and I was all to happy to welcome her new husband into the family with open arms. Honestly, secretly praying that their marriage didn't have to face the trials ours had in just two years time. I still pray that for any married couple. Miscarriage and loss is no walk in the park for either party, let alone the stress it can place on a marriage. I am fortunate to have married someone just as stubborn as myself though who refuses to give up, even when we voice that we want to.

Fast forward to late August. I had been on the depo shot after this miscarriage. I wasn't taking any chances and as soon as I was given the all clear by Doctor Jones, I jumped on birth control. I didn't want an IUD, no thanks, I had read and heard of too many complications with those things and it would be just my luck that I would be one of those women whom had complications. So I elected for the shot. I figured a birth control that was effective for three months sounded like a good idea, and IF we managed to get back on our feet again we could stop and start trying for baby number two. It seems God had different plans that us. I let my birth control lapse, but as soon as I realized this, made and appointment to see a doctor to get said birth control. It was with planned parenthood, not my favorite place, but they would give it to me based on my income and that was all I needed, so I did it, knowing we would have to be SUPER careful for at least three weeks (two for the appointment and another for the birth control to take affect).

Fast forward a week. I started feeling "funny" and not quite like myself. Oh geesh, I'm getting sick, but I realize I haven't had a period yet this month. "Oh please do not let this be it" I think to myself. "The last thing we need is to have another baby!" all the while secretly thinking, okay no big deal IF you are pregnant again. I take a test, negative. YES! I'm not pregnant, or so I thought. We get a two pack "just in case," since I am prone to thinking I'm pregnant and freaking out only to find out I'm not. I wait another five days, still no period. This time I insist I take one and lo-and behold I AM pregnant. Oh geesh, I think, what am I going to do?! but I tell myself it will be okay. Its funny how a woman's brain works. She just KNOWS.

 So I go into freak-out mode, calling local midwives, knowing that at this time I don't have insurance and having a homebirth is the cheapest way to go. I'm okay with that, since its what I wanted anyway and something I had researched to death. I became almost obsessive about researching my options. I know it is because I lost a baby after having a baby and that fear just NEVER leaves the back of my mind. It never will. I still, at 30ish weeks pregnant fear that I will loose him. Its part of how I love. I love my children, ALL OF THEM, with a deepness that only a mother can understand and that starts at conception for me. (Or rather the moment I find out I'm pregnant.) When I loose a pregnancy, not matter how far along I am, it rocks me to my core. It's hard to explain to someone unless they themselves have been through it. Sorry folks, but unless you have EXPERIENCED a pregnancy loss, miscarriage, still birth or loss of a child, you JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND. I'm not saying this to be mean, I'm just stating a simple fact. You will never understand, and I thank GOD that you DON'T.

 I wouldn't want anyone to experience this fear, but the only thing that works for me is staying connected with other rainbow parents, parents of loss, and prayer. Prayer probably being the biggest one for me. I have prayed through the Psalms a lot in my lifetime, but when my heart hurts the worst, its what I turn to. Pregnancy after loss is a whole other bear I have had to face. This time around it has seemed more fraught with anxiety than with Alexandra. Probably BECAUSE I have carried a pregnancy to full term now and know the love of a mother as it came full circle. Some days are harder than others and it reveals itself through laziness, anxiety, eating more than normal (not so much binge eating, like with Alex, but more consumption than normal for sure), crying, even anger. Sometimes I don't recognize it, but its there. Pregnancy after loss is hard, hardest for those with multiple losses. Its raw, like a wound that is healing and hasn't yet had time to scar over fully. Its difficult, but it is also wonderful too.

I find myself enjoying pregnancy more than I did with Alexandra. I find myself being thankful for every little ache, pain, cramp, and crazy symptom that comes along with it. I also find myself not complaining like I did with Alex. I actually LOVE being pregnant this time around (maybe in part due to the fact that I'm not miserably sick like I was with Alexandra!) and I am finding a deeper connection to my daughter too. I'm finding that through this pregnancy I look at her and am thankful for every moment she grew within me and every moment we have had together. My love for her grows deeper daily, its just part of being a loss mom I guess.

So for those of you wondering WHY I post so much about pregnancy, there is just a small amount of insight for you. For those of you that ever wondered what it would be like to have a baby after a loss, this is for you too.. And for those of you that ever wonder what its like to lose a pregnancy, this is just a SMALL glimpse into that world. Its raw, but its the truth. Its how I have coped, but certainly not ALL of how I have coped. That, has been shared and revealed in bits and pieces over time. The process is continual, and with each passing moment, each passing day it DOES get easier. And with each anniversary of my losses, each due date that passes, I remember, but it gets easier over time. I find myself often just glancing over those days, feeling sad for just a moment, but thankful for what I have been blessed with in this life. Its those small things that make the difficult moments smaller and smaller every year.